“If my mother put on a helmet and shoulder pads and a uniform that wasn’t the same as the one I was wearing, I’d run over her if she was in my way. And I love my mother.” Bo Jackson

Wonder how he feels about his Dad?

Last Week 3-3.  For the Season 3-3.  Meh.

Your Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow up to be Cowboys Pick of the Week.

Texans over Cowboys.  If you were a Texan player and looked at the actual results on the field over the last 5 seasons, would you be somewhat miffed that the Cowboys get all the attention, all the national TV games, all the adoration, all the hate?  Over the last 5 years the Cowboys have won exactly 2 more games than the Texans.  Throw in the playoffs and the Boys have a 1 game advantage.  And speaking of playoffs, the Boys haven’t sniffed them in 4 years despite playing in a division that more often than not just plain sucks.  So maybe the Texans are motivated to win this game and pick up a few hearts and minds along the way.  Given their play the last 2 weeks there is no reason to think they should win.  The defense is playing like a playoff caliber squad, the special teams are pretty damn good, but the offense blows.  Two outa three aint bad. Houston 31 Arlington 27.

Your Mama Told Me Not to Come Pick of the Week.

Browns over Titans.  It is always satisfying on an aesthetic level to have the Browns in the week’s Shit Bowl.  And a “Brown Titan” matchup seems to hold the prospect of an enormous turd being laid smack dab on the 50 yard line at LP Field on Sunday.  To be fair, this game does pit a decent Browns ground game against a slightly above mediocre Titans run defense.  Other than that it holds little interest.  Keep the No-Doz handy if you plan to watch this beastly bowel battle in Nashville. Cleveland 25 Tennessee 13.

 Your He’s a Bad Mother – Shut Your Mouth Pick of the Week.

Vikings over Packers. This game poses an early answer to the question “Is Teddy B. the real deal?”  My answer to that back on draft day was “Hell Yes.”  And I was very disappointed when the Texans did not move up one pick (one lousy measly pick) to take the Louisville Launcher.  He made mincemeat of the Falcons last week and made my pick of the Falcons look absurd.  Dom Capers will throw the book at him on Thursday and Teddy will pick it up and clock Capers in the head with it. Minnesota 42 Green Bay 35.

Your Mother Goose is Cooked Pick of the Week.

Saints over Buccaneers. A decent candidate for Shit Bowl, but instead comes in as the Must Win game of the week.  Whoever loses this one is clearly on the outside looking in at the playoffs with a 1-4 record.  Quick, who was the last 1-4 team to make the playoffs?  Saints should have enough in the tank to win this one at home.  If they don’t, say Adieu to the Saints’ season. New Orleans 28 Tampa Bay 14.

Your Mother of Battles Pick of the Week.

Cardinals over Broncos. Fox’s late showpiece has Game of the Week written all over it.  Cardinals come in as one of the last two undefeated teams.  Broncos are still formidable despite showing some cracks.  QB is a huge question for the Cards if Palmer is still out, but they have other weapons galore on offense.  And despite predictions of the Cards defense falling down because of personnel losses, they have kept it together so far.  Get the hoses out for this barn burner. Arizona 42 Denver 34. 

 Your Mother Superior Pick of the Week.

Chargers over Jets.  Yes, Sister Alegna told you not to gamble away your allowance money on football games and put it in the offering plate instead.  You didn’t listen to her, did you?  Chargers are minus 7 against the Jets at home.  Normally, Red doesn’t like to give away more than 6, but factoring in the triple time zone hex and the reverse latitudinal shift coefficient, the computer boys tell us that the Chargers are a lock.  Forget what I told you last week. Forget the 3 large you squandered on the Falcons.  Forget my address when this one goes south. San Diego 33 New Jersey 10.

Answer:  Nine teams have made the playoffs after starting 1-4; the last being the 2009 Packers.