Author Archives: Red from Texas

About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Red NFL Playoff Predictions 2020 – Conference Championships

Red was 2-2 last week losing out on the Ravens and Saints. Red hedged his bet on the Ravens who he picked because he was being true to his pre-season pick of the Ravens to play for the AFC Championship. The same for the Saints who Red thought might make it to one last Superb Owl before the end of the Brees era. No such luck.

Chiefs over Bills – Once again Red stays true to his preseason pick of the Chiefs repeating as NFL Champions. But again, he does not in anyway discount the real possibility that the Bills win this game. And the Bills certainly have a chance regardless of whether Patrick Mahomes plays. Early signs seem to point PM being ready on Sunday. Mahomes has been less steady for weeks with 7 total turnovers since mid-December and he is playing behind a somewhat rickety offensive line. He still has weapons and the Andy Reid/Eric Bienemy combo to pull out the stops. Ask yourself, is there any other coach in the NFL who would have called the play that won the game against the Browns last week? Your opponent had no time outs, less than a minute on the clock and a punt would almost certainly have had the Browns needing to go 80+ yards to win the game. But with a backup quarterback and the season on the line, Andy Reid throws the ball! That’s some cajones. It’s hard not to account for the Reid factor in any close game. And this will likely be a close one. The Bills defense is very good but that unit is not going to shut down the Chiefs like it did the Ravens – even if Chad Henne is at the helm. Red’s hat is completely and thrown into the bullring in salute of what the Bills have done this season and Josh Allen and crew in particular. But Stephon Diggs is going to need a world-class performance to keep the Bills going. At the end, Red thinks that the Chiefs superior run attack wears down the Bills just enough to eke out a win. Kansas City 33 Buffalo 31.

Packers over Buccaneers – Tom Brady’s record in Conference Championship games is pretty darn impressive. Okay there was that interregnum in the Teens when he lost 3 Conference Championship games in 4 years. In the 2012 playoffs he lost to the Ravens and in 2013 and 2015 to the Broncos (there was a SB win tucked in there in 2014). Can you imagine how insanely happy most NFL fans would be with their team playing in a Conference Championship game four years in a row? Anyhow, since that less than spectacular (in the literal sense) period – TB has been not lost a CC game even though the last season at New England was disappointing. Brady’s ability to will his team over the finish line is unassailable. Can he do it with the Buccaneers? Red was surprised at how easy it looked against the Saints – but Brees is simply not the player he used to be and New Orleans’ offensive scheme looked as tired and old as Brees. Meanwhile in Wisconsin, Aaron Rodgers has put together a remarkable season. But the pressure here is Rodgers to burnish his legacy. Expectations are always high in Green Bay and a decade of playoff mediocrity does not sit well. Since winning the Superb Owl after the 2010 season, the Packers have played in three NFC Championship games and lost all three – in 2014 to the Seahawks, 2016 to the Falcons and 2019 to the 49ers. Can this year be different – if not the Rodgers will go down as a playoff choker. Red thinks this is the Packers year. He was admittedly skeptical preseason but the Packers have vanquished most comers – but not the Buccaneers who wiped the floor with them in Tampa in October. That was Rodgers’ worst game of the season with no TDs, 16 for 35 with 160yds passing and 4 sacks. That kind of performance guarantees a loss. Don’t expect a repeat on Sunday. With even an average day the Packers should be good enough to best TB and TB. But don’t expect the TBs to go down easily. This will be another Battle of the Bays nailbiter. Oh and the temperature will be in the 20s with a chance of snow. Please God, let it be a blizzard game (and a night blizzard game at that). Green Bay 24 Tampa Bay 20.

President Joe Biden

Despite it being such a common name, the USA has never had a President Joe (or Joseph). In fact, other than Biden and Joe Lieberman (who could forget Joementum!) Red can’t recall another serious presidential candidate named Joe. In fact, who was the most famous political Joe until Biden – the alcoholic, womanizing, deceitful, corrupt piece of shit Joe McCarthy.

It’s high time for Joe to be something more than the representation of the common man – as in Average Joe, GI Joe, Joe Public, Joe Six-Pack or the slightly more upper class Joe College. A recent article even pointed out that we don’t even have movie stars named Joe. Has there been a major leading man since Joseph Cotton? Okay, Joe Pesci but is that our avatar? Rock and Roll is not so elitist with Joe Walsh, Joe Cocker, Joe Strummer, Joe Perry, Joe Jackson etc. It’s the same for the sports world with starts like Joe Montana, Joe Louis, Joe DiMaggio, Shoeless Joe, Joe Theisman and many more.

But now we have President Joe. It’s about damn time.

Former Megachurch Pastor Will Get to Continue his Ministry – in Prison

Kirbyjon Caldwell, the former pastor of Windsor Village UMC was sentenced to six years in federal prison on Thursday. Caldwell had previously pled guilty in March of 2020 to a charge of conspiracy to commit wire fraud. The charges were based on his participation in a scheme that roped people into investing about $3.5 million in historical former Republic of China bonds. The bonds were issued before the People’s Revolution that installed the People’s Republic of China as the governing power over mainland China in 1949. The PRC does not recognize the validity of such bonds and they have no value other than as possible collector’s items.

The scheme dating back to 2013-14 time frame was hatched by Caldwell and Gregory Smith, a Shreveport financial planner previously sentence to prison, who duped investors into buying the worthless bonds based on Caldwell’s influence as a pastor, community leader and author of several books in the “prosperity gospel” vein. Smith promised high returns on the investment, but the approximately $3.5 million stolen from victims was simply divided between Smith, Caldwell and others. Prosecutors alleged that Caldwell used over $900,000 of the money to maintain his wealthy preacher lifestyle.

Caldwell did not engage in a classic Ponzi Scheme where new investors funds are used to pay off previous investors to attract more dupes. This appears to be a more straightforward lie about the investment and just take the money and run. The only place Caldwell will be running for the next six years will be in the prison yard. Hopefully, he will attempt to make amends during his time in prison. He should have plenty of time to contemplate his sins and pray for forgiveness.

Quote for the Day

You can either go down in history as a patriot, or you can go down in history as a pussy.”

Donald J. Trump to Mike Pence

Of course, Trump was asking Pence to effectively steal the election by refusing to allow the counting of electoral college votes which had been certified in six states that Trump lost. Trump was delusional in thinking that the Constitution gives the Vice-President sole authority to reject duly certified electoral college votes.

Oddly, Trump was correct in making this statement. Pence will go down in history as a patriot for this act in following the Constitution and resisting pressure from a President who was hell bent on the treasonous act of stealing an election. And Pence would have been a total “pussy” if he had kowtowed to Trump’s demand. Red has no love lost for Groveling Mike and his sycophantic act over the last four years, but he did show some spine when he was asked and refused to betray everything this country stands for.

Hitting Trump Where it Hurts

The PGA has announced that it is pulling the 2022 PGA Tournament (one of the 4 majors) from Trump Bedminster Golf Club in New Jersey. Trump has plans to build a mausoleum on the site and be buried there. The mausoleum will be deemed an immovable obstruction with free relief and designated as a spot for golfers to relieve themselves.

The Royal and Ancient also announced that Trump Turnberry in Scotland will not be hosting The Open at anytime in the future and probably not as long as it is owned by Trump or family members. Trump is losing money hand over fist at Turnberry and this will only accelerate the decline as golfers lose interest in a site that will not be hosting a major tournament.

The fact that Trump is a notorious golf cheat should have precluded these organizations from ever even considering hosting a tournament at one of his branded courses. The PGA tour needs to ensure that no tournaments will be played at a Trump-tainted course every again – or at least until 25 years after Trump is dead (and buried at Bedminster) and there has been no association or ownership by any Trump family member for at least that long. The stench might wear off in that time period.

Nothing could really hurt Trump in a more personal way than not getting to strut while a major tournament is played at one of his courses. This is kicking a man in the balls while he is down, then lining up for another shot straight at his scrotum. Red heartily approves.

Red’s NFL Playoff Predictions – Divisional Round

Red was 4 of 6 in his picks last weekend. The Seahawks and FTs failed to come through. Those picks were not against the spread and Red would have done okay in that regard. The Bills failed to cover but the FTs did so Red was also 4-2 against the line. Not a bad day. On to this week:

Saturday:

Packers over Rams – Beating the Seahawks in the playoffs is no mean feat – even in a sloppy game featuring a lot of punts, turnovers (by Seattle) and field goals. Despite a good record the Seahawks had been inconsistent all season and it proved fatal on Saturday. Beating the Packers at Lambeau Field in January is another matter altogether. Beating a team led by arguably the best passer in NFL history is also another matter altogether. While the temp will be in the teens or twenties at kickoff it doesn’t look like snow in the forecast right now. Even so, Red just doesn’t see the Rams knocking off a well-rested team with the best record in the NFC. Green Bay 27 Los Angeles 17.

Ravens over Bills – A very tough call here. But Red has to stick with his preseason prediction of a Chiefs-Ravens AFC title game. The Bills late-season offense was very impressive but was not really on display against a game Colts defense on Saturday. The Ravens were equally unimpressive in eking out a win over the Titans. Maybe both squads come alive on Saturday and give us the barn-burner we deserve. It won’t even be that cold on Saturday with temperatures at game time around freezing. Red won’t be surprised in the least to see the Bills win. Baltimore 38 Buffalo 33.

Sunday:

Chiefs over Browns – The Browns won a playoff game for the first time since defeating the Patriots in 1995 and won a playoff game on the road for the first time since crushing the Cowboys in the Cotton Bowl in 1969 (a game that featured the first ever playoff appearance of one Roger Staubach – in garbage time). The Browns beat down the Stealers from the get-go. That is all well and good, but the Chiefs are a different matter altogether. The biggest problem for the Chiefs will protecting Mahomes from the Browns deadly serious pass rush. Andy and crew need to come up with some plays to slow down the Browns front four, force more blitzes and take advantage of matchups down field. Browns need to control the ball and get lucky on turnovers to have a chance. They’ve got a chance – just not a very good one. Kansas City 30 Cleveland 21.

Saints over Buccaneers – The Saints have only won more than one playoff game in a season one time. That was in their NFL Championship run in 2009. They will change that this week. While everyone was raving about Tom Brady – Red was impressed that the FTs hung in this game this long despite giving up huge chunks of yardage. The Bucs won’t torch the Saints defense for 500+ yards. Meanwhile in Louisiana, the Saints just took care of business against the Bears on Sunday – albeit with some help from the refs. Back to back questionable calls against the Bears secondary helped put the game almost out of reach. Who will the refs favor this week – Red votes for the Saints again. New Orleans 24 Tampa Bay 20.

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Red knows he said he might have already done this for the last time with Trump in office, but oh what the hell – it’s almost too easy.

I would like to begin by addressing the heinous attack on the United States Capitol (instigated by yours truly). Like all Americans, I am outraged by the violence, lawlessness and mayhem (mostly because it didn’t work). I immediately deployed the National Guard and federal law enforcement (well, it was immediately after I refused to do it and Weaselly Mike did it instead but details, details) to secure the building and expel the intruders (aka Trump Voters). America is and must always be a nation of law and order (me leaving office will certainly help restore that). The demonstrators (who I love) who infiltrated the Capitol have defiled the seat of American democracy (second only to Trump Tower). To those who engaged in the acts of violence and destruction (it sure was fun to watch until it wasn’t), you do not represent our country (you represent me). And to those who broke the law, you will pay (and if you thought for a minute that I wasn’t going to throw your asses under the bus to try and save me – well, you haven’t been paying very close attention now have you).

We have just been through an intense election and emotions are high (mostly because of my bullshit and lies but Canadian Ted helped too). But now tempers must be cooled and calm restored (only because this totally backfired on me and I am in really deep doo-doo). We must get on with the business of America (keeping my ass out of jail). My campaign vigorously pursued every legal avenue (and a number of illegal ones but why quibble) to contest (and flat lie about) the election results. My only goal was to ensure the integrity of the vote (and steal the election if at all possible). In so doing, I was fighting to defend American democracy (and keep my ass out of jail). I continue to strongly believe that we must reform our election laws to verify the identity and eligibility of all voters and to ensure faith and confidence in all future elections (the faith and confidence that I have worked tirelessly to destroy in hopes of keeping my ass out of jail).

Now, Congress has certified the results (led by that son of a bitch McConnell). A new administration will be inaugurated on January 20 (I would vomit in my mouth if I said Joe Biden’s name here). My focus now turns to ensuring a smooth orderly and seamless transition of power (and keeping my ass out of jail). This moment calls for healing and reconciliation (or if there is the slightest chance it would keep me in office and keep my ass out of jail for four more years some violence would be okay too). 2020 has been a challenging time for our people (because of my utter incompetence and stupidity but let’s move on from that). A menacing pandemic has upended the lives of our citizens (and more importantly my march to re-election which would have kept my ass out of jail), isolated millions in their homes (my hotels are fucking dying man), damaged our economy and claimed countless lives. (a hundred thousand dead here – a hundred thousand dead there – I mean really, what’s the big deal?). Defeating this pandemic and rebuilding the greatest economy on earth will require all of us working together (the white people anyway). It will require a renewed emphasis on the civic values of patriotism, faith, charity, community and family (because everyone of those was missing in my administration). We must revitalize the sacred bonds of love and loyalty that bind us together as one national family (I tried to kill those off but was not entirely successful).

To the citizens of our country, serving as your president has been the honor of my lifetime (right behind that ace I made on the 8th hole at Trump National). And to all of my wonderful supporters (many of whom are probably going to jail), I know you are disappointed (but more importantly think how I feel), but I also want you to know that our incredible journey is only just beginning (and I just might see you in jail). Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America (bitches).

Who Could Have Predicted This?

Who could have predicted that the administration of Trump – the Reality TV Show Joke of a President – would end in utter chaos with the economy reeling, unemployment rising, the deficit ballooning, our enemies gloating, our friends dismayed and the nation divided – oh, and not to mention people dying by the thousands each day from a pandemic that could have been minimized or controlled and an insane mob storming the Capitol in an attempt to subvert an election?

Well, just about anybody who was paying the slightest bit of attention to the history of one Donald J. Trump who will live in infamy as the worst president in the history of the country (hopefully) and also as the greatest American con man to have ever walked the face of the earth. Just think for one minute about the failures of this “man”:

Trump Air, Trump Steaks, Trump Wine, Trump’s American Pale Ale, Trump: The Game, Trump University (a sucker is born . . .), Trump Charities (closed down, fined and barred from running another charity ever), the New Jersey Generals (really his stupidity caused the entire USFL to fail), Trump Taj Mahal (who loses money running a casino?), Trump Marina (bankrupt), Trump Castle (bankrupt), Trump Plaza (bankrupt), Trump Plaza Hotel (bankrupt), Trump Entertainment Resorts, Trump Style and Trump World Magazines, Trump Mortgage, GoTrump.com (travel site), Trumpnet (supposed communications company that never got off the ground), Trump Tower Tampa (in fairness, Trump just got paid to stick his name on this one), Trump Vodka (sold by a teetotaler), Trump Menswear (you gotta be kidding), Tour de Trump (bike race), Success by Trump and Empire by Trump colognes (it seems the smell of defeat isn’t as popular as you might think).

And now we can add to the list the biggest failure of them all:

The Trump Administration.

Red just thanks God that the U.S.A. has not been added to the list of things that Trump has destroyed – not yet anyway.

And by the way, if you are still supporting Trump after the events of this week (not to mention the last four years), Red has some parting thoughts for you:

Oh, no he doesn’t because he doesn’t give a damn what you think about matters of politics, ethics, morality or just about anything else.

Red Takes Some Comfort

Red takes some comfort in knowing that every second of Trump’s life for the next 14 days at least (and hopefully longer) will be utterly consumed by the gnawing agony of defeat and abject fear of the real possibility that prison time is in his future. After all, in Trump’s own words Joe Biden was the “worst candidate in the history of presidential politics.” What does it say about you if you can’t beat the worst. Oh wait, we have a quote for that too.

“Could you imagine if I lose? My whole life – what am I going to do? I’m going to say I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics. . . . Maybe I have to leave the country, I don’t know,”

As much as Red would love for Trump to have to resort to exile in the suburbs of Moscow, he would much rather have his not inconsiderable butt sitting in a prison cell in New York.