Author Archives: Red from Texas

About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Quote for the Day

“Well, what I would do is, we would, we have tremendous military capability and what we can do without planes, to be honest with you, without 44 year-old jets, what we can do is enormous, and we should be doing it and we should be helping them to survive and they’re doing an amazing job.”

Donald J. Trump – when asked by Fox News on what he would do differently than Pres. Biden on Ukraine.

This makes about as much sense as any of his other incoherent, fact free and stream of consciousness rambling.

Red’s 2022 NFL Conference Championship Picks

For the Divisional Round, Red was 3-1 only missing out on the utter collapse of the Buffalo Bills. That loss was especially hurtful because Red had picked the Bills to win it all this season. His second choice in the AFC was Kansas City which is still alive despite a less than inspiring performance against a game Jacksonville team. Red was particularly happy that the “Red Rule” was back in place. If not familiar, that Rule simply reads “Score 13 points and beat the Cowboys.” It was violated repeatedly this season as the Cowboys cranked out points, but it was back in play when it was really needed. On to the penultimate week of the season.

Chiefs over Bengals – A lot of this prediction depends on the state of the right ankle of one Mr. P. Mahomes. Question for the day: Is a high ankle sprain better or worse than a low ankle sprain? Question for tomorrow: When the Bengals go after Mr. P. Mahomes lower legs, will the redoubtable Chad Henne be able to step up again? Before answering, Red must give all imaginable props to Henne for coming in as cold as any quarterback since say, hmm Brock Purdy, and leading the Chiefs on the game-defining 98 yard drive that really set the tone for the Chiefs. Answers: Yes and yes. Then there is Travis Kelce who continues to break his own records (14 catches in a playoff game) and a defense which never let T. Lawrence get comfortable and played good enough to win. And of course there is Mr. Mahomes himself – who is a better quarterback on one leg than any quarterback in the history of at least one franchise (Yes, Texans Red is talking about you). Of course, the Bengals have a very different story line than the Cinderella tale played out by the Jags over the last half of the season. The Bengals started slow and so far have finished like a steamroller. Ask the Bills who were never really in the game on Sunday. The Bills missing Von Miller and their No. 1 run stopper allowed the Bengals relatively pathetic running game to resemble something akin to the reincarnation of Larry Csonka and Mercury Morris. And with Mahomes hobbled, there seems to be no question that Joe Burrow is the top quarterback in the AFC this week, (while somewhere Josh Allen is still wondering what hit him). Red does not count the Bengals out in any way. They have been the best team in the AFC since about Week 6 and have everything needed to win this game. But the Chiefs have home field and are playing in the AFC Championship for the 5th straight year. Add to that, the fact that Mahomes has never beaten Burrow and you have the makings of a very close win. Hold on to your war bonnets. Kansas City 34 Cincinnati 30.

Eagles over 49ers – The Eagles choked the Giants to death on their dust on Saturday. No one can really be too surprised by that outcome. They got ahead early and then literally ran the Giants into the ground with 268 yards rushing on 44 attempts. For once J. Hurts did not have to carry the load which was handled nicely by Gainwell and Sanders. The Eagles defense played extremely well with the lead. It is easy to get the lead when your opponent’s first six possessions are Downs, Interception, Punt, Punt, Punt, Punt. S. Barkley was a non-factor once the Eagles were up by 21. So this game really did not tell us too much about the Eagles except that they can readily dispatch inferior competition. On the other side, the Cowboys were not supposed to be inferior competition according to the pundits. Turns out the pundits were wrong. This is a team that continues to underachieve in the big moments and Sunday night was no exception. The Niners were methodical and frankly rather unimpressive on offense. The Niners defense is the real reason that they are playing for the NFC crown. They have been the best defensive unit this season. And when you make whopping errors like Dak P. did – well, turn out the lights. Losing Tony Pollard definitely hurt the Cowboys, but still 76 yards on the ground is not going to cut it. All that said, the Niners should have their hands full with Mr. Hurts and company. The Brock Purdy story has been rather incredible, but all incredible stories eventually seem to realize that they are in fact incredible. The Eagles were the best team in the NFC despite their late season stumbles. The Niners were the second best team. These are the matchups fans want to see (except in large parts of North Texas). This is likely to be a low scoring game decided by whoever wins the 4th quarter. In other words, a complete toss up. Philadelphia 19 San Francisco 17.

Red’s 2022 NFL Divisional Round Playoff Picks

Last week Red chose the 49ers, Chargers, Bills, Vikings, Bengals and Bucs to win. And for his effort Red was 3-3. The Vikings and Chargers had legitimate shots at winning. The Bucs had a legitimate shot at complete embarrassment and pretty much took it. Despite his rather mediocre showing from “Super Wild Card Weekend” Red trudges on. Again, let’s take them in order.

Chiefs over Jaguars – Trevor Lawrence and the Jags pulled out a minor miracle last week by turning the ball over 5 times, falling behind 27-0 and still managing to win largely because of a gutsy decision to go for 2 points when a simple try would have closed the gap to 3 points. That allowed a last minute field goal to seal the victory of the “licking their wounds on the way back to California” Chargers. Never let it be said that the Chargers will not disappoint you given half the chance. Meanwhile the Chiefs have not really disappointed their supporters in the playoffs since getting butt-whipped by the Buccaneers in SB (insert Roman Numeral here) in 2020 playoffs. Sure the Chiefs lost to the Bengals in a barnburner of an AFC Championship game last year to a team that had not won a playoff game in the previous 30+ seasons, but it was a close game. And the whipping that the Bucs put on the Chiefs was largely because the Chiefs were decimated in the offensive line and Patrick Mahomes was running for his life on practically every play. The Jags have an average defense at best and second-rate secondary. That does not inspire abject fear or bode well for the fearsome Chiefs passing attack. The Chiefs pass to set up the run and always seem to manage to have a running back ready to pounce. At the beginning of the season, it was thought to be Clyde E-H, but the Chiefs quickly turned to I. Pacheco who has looked great since taking over in Week 6. And many forget about Jerrod McKinnon who has 56 receptions and 9 receiving touchdowns. Mahomes spreads the wealth around as 11 players have receiving TDs this season with only All-Pro TE T. Kelce in double digits with 12. Simply put, you don’t know who is going to beat you on any given Sunday (but its more likely to be Kelce). If Mahomes overcomes his love affair with his arm and doesn’t make stupid plays, the Chiefs are damn near unbeatable. It’s been a magic year for the Jags, but the smoke machines sometimes fail and the mirrors always need polishing. Kansas City 31 Jacksonville 17.

49ers over Cowboys – The Cowboys must be on a high after finally beating Tom Brady and winning a road playoff game for the first time in 30 years. And while Red puts no real stock in such matters, the Cowboys playoff record in San Francisco is spotty at best. Coincidentally, the Cowboys last road playoff win before Monday night was against the 49ers in 1992. Expect the 49ers to rely heavily on their excellent rushing attack against a Cowboys defense that is mediocre at best in stopping the run. That sets up likely offensive Rookie of the Year Brock Purdy for the short passing game that will negate the Cowboys fearsome pass rush. If the 49ers can hold the Cowboys defense to 2-3 sacks and limit the hurries and knock-downs, the Cowboys will be in trouble. On the other side, the vaunted Cowboys rushing attack has been a bit suspect despite cranking out 128 yards (aided by garbage time) against the Bucs. Can the Cowboys play another near perfect game (except for the kicking disaster) with no turnovers, only 1 sack and Dak with 4 passing TDS and a 143.7 QB rating? Who knows, but they certainly could win with those kind of stats. Face it, the Bucs were probably the crappiest team of the 14 in the playoffs even with TB at the helm. The Niners are probably number 4 or 5 and playing on par with the Eagles in the NFC. They have two days extra rest and a decided home field advantage. The Cowboys are playing on a short schedule and have to be wondering what time zone they are in. As noted before, Red is perfectly okay with the Cowboys winning one playoff game every decade. They did that last week. San Francisco 24 Dallas 20.

Bills over Bengals – This is clearly the hardest call of the Divisional round games. The Bengals have been playing as well as any team over the last half of the season despite having some trouble with the Ravens last week. But for Tyler Hundley’s goal line foolishness, the Bengals could be sitting at home this weekend. The Bengals have everything it takes to reach the Superb Owl. Meanwhile the Bills have been less than impressive over the last half of the season living on a diet of one score wins. And they were certainly less than fearsome in having the Dolphins (led by a 3rd string quarterback) take them down to the wire. All those who had heard of Skylar Thompson before the beginning of the season, please raise their hand. Red thought so. Josh Allen needs to step up on Sunday. He has been a turnover machine the last half of the season and seems to be suffering from Patrick Mahomes Disease (main symptom is love affair with arm) or alternatively, holding on the ball too long and refusing to just throw it away (sacked 7 times by a less than awesome Dolphins defense). This one probably comes down to turnovers and special teams play – the most unpredictable of factors. As for the other bizarre factors – including the expected appearance of Damar Hamlin and the Bengals enormous shoulder chip about the cancelled game and the decision to not play this one at a neutral site, your guess is as good as anyone’s. And unfortunately, while it may snow on Sunday it will likely be too warm for a true blizzard game. Buffalo 28 Cincinnati 27.

Eagles over Giants – The Eagles should beat the Giants. Almost every other team in the playoffs (except for the Bucs and Vikings obviously) should beat the Giants. But D. Jones and S. Barkley are probably the most unique running combination in the playoffs right now and the Giants are on the rise. Predicting an Eagles victory is assuming that the Eagles will try to keep Jalen Hurts primarily behind the line of scrimmage or only running for the sidelines when absolutely necessary. Realistically, all indications are that the Giants are peaking and the Eagles are on the decline. And there is the third matchup jinx. It’s hard to beat any team three times in one season – mostly because if you made the playoffs despite losing twice to a division rival it’s fairly likely that you don’t completely suck. Red thinks this one comes down to the best one/two receiving combo left in the playoffs in Brown and Smith (not to mention a more than capable TE in Goedert). If Miles Sanders still has some gas in the tank and can have a decent day on the ground, it will be hard for the Giants to contain the two big WRs. But this one pretty much comes down to the shoulder of Mr. Hurts. It’s playoff time, the choices should be difficult. Philadelphia 23 New York 21.

Some Final Thoughts on “Super” Wildcard Week

Red is sticking with the Bills winning it all.  The Bills, Chiefs and Eagles are the only teams Red views as being able to beat all comers (except of course when matched against one another).   Every other team can lose depending on the breaks.

Red includes the Niners in the un-invincible group based on the rather poor track record of QBs in their first playoff game and the even worse record of rookie QBs in their first playoff game.  According to J. Breech (my new favorite NFL analyst):  “Since 2002, quarterbacks making their first career playoff start in the wild-card round are 12-35 straight-up, including 1-4 last year and that one win only happened because two first-time playoff starters were facing each other (Joe Burrow vs. Derek Carr).”  But Red you say, “Isn’t Geno Smith also making his playoff debut?”  A rather large turd plops into Red’s morning latte.   We shall see which playoff newbie pulls through on the west coast.  

Jaguars/Chargers and Vikings/Giants are likely the most entertaining games from a disinterested fan viewpoint.   Chargers cannot stop the run and Jags cannot stop the pass.  At 47, I would take the over and run.  Meanwhile, the Vikings and Giants both have negative point differentials and earn the highest O/U of the week at 48.   Red likes a parley here.  Bet the over on the first game and then all or nothing on the over on Sunday. 

Red also thinks that it is just possible that the Bucs run the Cowboys out of the building with the ghost of Dandy Don singing “Turn out the Lights” in the middle of the 4th quarter.  But if not look for the Cowboy’s usual last second loss scenario to play out.  As the old joke goes, this one is like watching your ex-wife drive over a cliff in your new Cadillac.  On second thought, Red isn’t sure that analogy makes any sense at all.  Maybe the Iran-Iraq war will have to do.

Finally, Red was so excited about the Bills/Dolphins game that he booked an 11:45 tee time on Sunday.  His over/under right now is about 87 –if playing from the old man tees.  Probably taking the over on Sunday. 

Red’s 2022 NFL WildCard Weekend Picks

Red hasn’t picked games all season long, so he is a bit Rusty. Maybe next year he will go back to the old weekly six-pack of games. He misses picking the Shit Bowl every week. But for now, the only thing left to do is pick the playoff games as they come. Let’s go in order.

Niners over Seahawks – Believe Red that nothing would make him happier (short of winning the lottery) than to see Geno Smith win a playoff game even if it means making Pete the Cheat happy. Unfortunately, he just doesn’t see it. The Niners completely shut down the Seahawks offense in two meeting this season. This will be closer but not that close. San Francisco 27 Seattle 19.

Chargers over Jaguars – The Chargers must overcome the triple forward time zone hex on Saturday. Jaguars beat two playoff teams (Cowboys and Ravens) but lost to the Colts, Texans and Broncos. Plus they played in the sad sack AFC South. Meanwhile, the Chargers only beat one playoff team – the Dolphins and lost to the Broncos in the season finale. At least a playoff game won’t be a comedown. This one is really a toss-up. Los Angeles 24 Jacksonville 23.

Bills over Dolphins – Does Red really need to say much about this one? Actually it is easy to forget that these two teams split their games this season and both were decided by 3 points. It’s a different story come January – especially since both Tua and Teddy are banged up. Third-string quarterbacks usually don’t win playoff games. Buffalo 34 Miami 17

Vikings over Giants – The Vikings are pretenders. Fortunately for them the Giants are almost as bad. These teams did play a real barn burner in week 16 decided on a 61 yard field goal. This could be the most entertaining game of the weekend. Minnesota 35 New York 33.

Bengals over Ravens – Bengals have had a chip on their shoulder all season long. Don’t expect the Ravens to knock it off Sunday night. This is another intra-division match up where the teams split during the regular season. The Ravens desperately need Lamar Jackson to have a chance here. He will likely be rusty after having been laid up for six weeks. Without him, the Ravens are toast. Cincinnati 19 Baltimore 13.

Buccaneers over Cowboys – The Cowboys have never beaten Tom Brady – not once – which seems pretty remarkable. In fact, they got stomped by the Bucs in Week 1 scoring an anemic 3 points. And then the Pokes closed out their season with an almost as anemic 6 points in getting dominated by the Commandos. Bottom line: if there is one team in the playoff that the Bucs can beat – it is the Cowboys. Tampa Bay 27 Dallas 10.

Red’s Weekly 2002 NFL Roundup – Week 18

It was a fairly interesting ending to a reasonably interesting regular season. There were a few playoff spots up for grabs, a couple of “win and in” games and a few surprises. Here is Red’s final ranking before the real fun begins.

  1. Buffalo Bills – The Bills trounced old rival Patriots from the get go. Red cannot remember the last time there were 2 touchdowns on kick returns in one game.
  2. Philadelphia Eagles – It weren’t pretty but the Eagles took care of business, locked down the No. 1 seed and two weeks rest for Jalen “Hurts”. Expect the Eagles to be ready to face whomever is coming down the pike.
  3. San Francisco 49ers – The most improbable story of the season has an unknown third-string quarterback leading the late season charge after the team secures one of the best RBs available. Will Mr. Purdy be able to handle the playoff pressure?
  4. Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs looked better in stomping the Raiders. But it was the Raiders after all.
  5. Cincinnati Bengals – Still playing as well as any team right now. They can beat any team on any given Sunday.
  6. Los Angles Chargers – Are they just satisfied to have finally made the post-season.
  7. Seattle Seahawks – Don’t discount Pete Carrol in the playoffs. He has won games with worse teams than this. What a glorious season for Geno Smith – almost certainly the comeback player of the year.
  8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tom Brady in the playoffs is always dangerous.
  9. Jacksonville Jaguars – All of London celebrates their team making the playoffs. Pubs will be crowded on Sunday.
  10. Dallas Cowboys – Looked inept in every phase of the game against a Commanders team with nothing to play for except hatred of the Cowboys – admittedly a powerful motivation. It’s a bad time for your rushing game to disappear.
  11. Baltimore Ravens – Unlikely to surprise anyone in the playoffs, but their defense could keep it close.
  12. Minnesota Vikings – The only playoff team with a negative point differential based on a few blowout losses.
  13. Miami Dolphins – Crawled over the finish line with 9-6 win over Jets.
  14. New York Giants – Some team has to be the worst team in the playoffs.
  15. Detroit Lions – It turns out that Red’s 2022 NFL Team of Destined was only destined to keep the Packers out of the playoffs. Watch out next season.
  16. Pittsburgh Stealers – Definitely headed in the right direction after disastrous start to season.
  17. New England Patriots – Bellicheat is back for season 24.
  18. Green Bay Packers – A pathetic end to an absurd season. Who wants the damaged goods that is A. Rodgers? Anyone, anyone, Bueller, anyone?
  19. Washington Commanders – With a real quarterback, they could be dangerous but only to themselves.
  20. New Orleans Saints – With a real quarterback, they could be average which would be a big improvement.
  21. Atlanta Falcons – With a real quarterback, they could be a football team or win the North American Cornhole Championship.
  22. Las Vegas Raiders – With a real quarterback, they will still suck – but to be fair they will suck anyway.
  23. Tennessee Titans – With a real quarterback, they will still be in Nashville and not talked about in the right circles.
  24. Cleveland Browns – Have a real quarterback (and problem child); still going nowhere.
  25. New York Jets – Novels could be written about the Jets 2022 season. Publishers are waiting with bated breath or possibly baited breath (minnows).
  26. Carolina Panthers – Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anyone really care? Just asking for a friend.
  27. Los Angeles Rams – It was fun while it lasted. Well not that much fun.
  28. Arizona Cardinals – Just got better with the firing of Kliff K.
  29. Denver Broncos – Did they play some games this season? Red forgets.
  30. Chicago Bears – Technically the worst team. Spiritually the best.
  31. Houston Texans – Blew the No. 1 pick, but worth it to beat the hated Colts in Indy.
  32. Indianapolis Colts – Pathetic in every phase of the game including the coin toss.

Red’s Weekly 2022 NFL Roundup – Week 17

Calling it a “Weekly” Roundup is a bit misleading because Red has missed a few weeks here and there – try last week for example. But loyal readers should not be too distressed as they were likely distracted by the many intriguing match-ups. Not to mention a couple of real barn burners in the College Football playoffs that Red also forgot to predict (TCU and OSU would have been the choices- but Red digresses). Overall it was a strange week ending on a hopefully not tragic note with the Bills- Bengals game suspended/postponed after Damar Hamlin was critically injured. It’s a violent game and basically our form of modern day gladiation but no one should lose their life for our entertainment. Let’s hope DH pulls through. The unusual situation does make this week’s ratings at least somewhat tenuous.

  1. Buffalo Bills – Who is to say that the Bills are not the best team in the league with the continuing struggle of the Eagles missing Jalen Hurts? Certainly not Red.
  2. Cincinnati Bengals – Playing better than any team over the last half of the season. They have everything needed for another deep playoff run.
  3. Kansas City Chiefs – Chiefs are continuing to eke out wins over inferior competition. That will not get it done in the playoffs.
  4. Philadelphia Eagles – Unless Hurts is back this week, the seemingly secure No. 1 seed and NFC East division crown are up for grabs.
  5. San Francisco 49ers – Can they continue their unbelievable run after losing their top two quarterbacks? It appears so.
  6. Dallas Cowboys – An impressive regular season. Will the playoff woes continue?
  7. Los Angeles Chargers – Finally playing up to their potential but are still pretty clearly the 4th best team in the AFC. Of course, people thought that or worse about the Bengals last season.
  8. Baltimore Ravens – Another team that needs their leader back on the field. The Ravens could surprise a lot of folks if Lamar Jackson is back for the playoffs.
  9. Minnesota Vikings – Could be the worst 12-4 team in the history of the NFL.
  10. Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jaguars in the top ten? Well it’s because with a win they are in.
  11. New York Giants – The Giants are in the playoffs. The Giants are in the playoffs. The Giants are in the playoffs. Sorry no pennant.
  12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The reports of Tom Brady’s football death have been greatly exaggerated. Red is utterly ambivalent about a Bucs-Cowboys playoff match up.
  13. New England Patriots – Not striking fear into the hearts of anyone? Be fearless at your peril in the playoffs (assuming that happens)
  14. Detroit Lions – Red’s 2022 NFL Team of Destiny needs some serious help to make the playoffs. The Lions should beat the Bears, but also need the Seahawks to lose to the Rams (unlikely) and the Packers to lose to the Vikings who have nothing to play for it would seem.
  15. Seattle Seahawks – Unlike the Lions, the Seahawks control their destiny and have a very winnable game against a crippled opponent.
  16. Green Bay Packers – That the Packers have a shot at the playoffs is kind of amazing after such a turbulent season. Red doesn’t buy it.
  17. Miami Dolphins – Seem to have been following the path of Tesla stock. Can they knock off the Patriots and end Bellicheat’s dream?
  18. Pittsburgh Stealers – Yet another team that Red cannot believe still has playoff aspirations – however faint.
  19. Tennessee Titans – Clinging to the thinnest thread of playoff hopes. Who is going all in on the Titans beating the Cowboys and the Jaguars losing to the Texans? Red thought so.
  20. New York Jets – Well it was fun while it lasted. Congratulations on being the best team to be eliminated as of Week 17.
  21. Washington Commanders – The sad losing legacy of Carson Wentz continues. But don’t feel too bad, he will probably be around for another 6 years as a backup quarterback that everyone hopes never plays again.
  22. New Orleans Saints – It’s not quite time to break out the paper sacks yet. But keep ’em handy.
  23. Cleveland Browns – Another season, another failure, another excuse.
  24. Carolina Panthers – It’s hard to see a path back to success for this floundering franchise.
  25. Atlanta Falcons – Newsflash – Marcus Mariota is done.
  26. Las Vegas Raiders – Newsflash – Derek Carr is done in the desert. Is Carolina stupid enough to pick him up?
  27. Los Angeles Rams – The Superb Owl curse is real, but probably worth it.
  28. Denver Broncos – They gambled, they lost. Time to pick up the pieces.
  29. Chicago Bears – Should not be this bad.
  30. Indianapolis Colts – Every move they made this season was wrong. Every last one.
  31. Arizona Cardinals – The new Chargers when it comes to disappointment. JJ Watt will never win a championship which is a bit sad.
  32. Houston Texans – Will Texans blow the No. 1 pick again?

Trump Writes (Begs) – Red Translates

Friend (and easy mark),

Many people are talking about it (mostly me and a couple of senile geezers over bagels at Mar-a-Lago) and YES, IT’S TRUE (and also FALSE) my plane, Trump Force One (Clever, huh?), is looking BETTER THAN EVER (BETTER THAN IVANKA and we know she is the best looking woman God ever created).

I told my team (of ever shrinking sycophants) I want YOU to have the chance (1 in a million if there enough suckers out there – but I’m telling you there’s a chance) to see it for YOURSELF.

THAT’S RIGHT, YOU COULD WIN A TOUR of TRUMP FORCE ONE (5 minutes max so you don’t stink it up and the we will run you back to Motel 6).

But, not only will you get your own EXCLUSIVE tour of my plane (I’ll show you where they keep the Depends)… but we’ll even take a picture (with a cardboard cut out of me) so that we can remember the moment forever (what was your name again?).

An invitation like this can only be extended to a very small and select group of my very BEST supporters (meaning everyone on the mailing list) , and I want YOU to have this opportunity of a lifetime (they taught me this pitch at Con Man U).

I’ve NEVER done this before (I mean this exact con), and I might not be able to do it ever again (Because I’ll either be in jail or TF1 will be repossessed). I need you to ENTER NOW before it’s too late (Because I need money like a fish needs water).

Contribute ANY AMOUNT IMMEDIATELY (but anything less than C-Note gets ignored) for a chance to win a TOUR of Trump Force One and meet your FAVORITE President (before he goes to jail).

Friend, my team needs to finalize the arrangements soon (getting out the Dustbusters and wet wipes), so I need to know if you want this EXCLUSIVE TRUMP FORCE ONE experience to be YOURS (but don’t worry too much because there are as many ways to fleece the rubes as there are blades of grass at Mar-a-Lago).

My team activated a link for you below to claim your offer. This offer won’t be around forever, so please don’t wait (Money Now!!!!).

Please contribute $50 or more RIGHT NOW (DAMN IT) to secure your chance to win a trip to tour Trump Force One and meet yours truly (or a reasonable facsimile thereof).

Thank you,

Donald J. Trump (Inmate Number to be assigned)

Red’s Weekly 2022 NFL Roundup – Week 16

After the Argentina-France barn-burner Sunday morning, Red had pretty much had his fill of sports excitement for the day. Red did tune in just in time to see the latest version of Tom Brady sucking – so it was a good day. For the rest of the season, Red will be providing a bit more commentary for each team – time permitting.

  1. Philadelphia Eagles – WIth Jalen Hurts out can Gardner Minshew aka Leroy the Redneck Reindeer step up for a week or two and keep the Eagles run of excellence alive? The 2019 version of Minshew would have made him an all-pro in the 70’s.
  2. Buffalo Bills – Josh Allen is making a case for MVP and with Hurts hurt he just might get it. It’s a tough road to the Superb Owl if it leads through Orchard Park in January.
  3. Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are barely beating bad teams. That is not a good look in mid-December.
  4. Cincinnati Bengals – Still the hottest team in the AFC and reaching for the top seed if they can hang on the next couple of weeks with some key defenders out. A show down against Buffalo looms on Jan. 2. That is must-see TV.
  5. San Francisco 49ers – Red will be seasoning his crow with thyme and lemon if the Niners keep it together for another 3 weeks.
  6. Minnesota Vikings – Rallying back from 33 down is impressive even if it was against the Colts. That kind of game can turn a season around.
  7. Baltimore Ravens – The NFL called – it’s looking for the Ravens’ offense.
  8. Los Angeles Chargers – The Chargers get the 8 spot based on their relatively easy remaining schedule. If they can’t beat the Raiders, Colts and Broncos to close it out then they deserve to be sitting at home in January.
  9. Dallas Cowboys – The Pokes have looked bad two weeks in a row against inferior competition. The annual Cowboys December Swoon looks like a real possibility if they can’t find a way to beat the Eagles on Sunday.
  10. New York Giants – The Giants are back from the dead after beating the Commandos. However, remaining games against the Vikings and Eagles could return them to the morgue.
  11. Miami Dolphins – Speaking of morgues – the Dolphins are the team most currently staggering around looking for a place to fall after three straight losses. An absolute must win game against the Packers this week.
  12. Tennessee Titans – It pains Red to have put the Titans anywhere near the top half of the league. Fortunately a game against the Texans is a tonic for what ails you. It still looks like a showdown on Week 18 against the Jags for the faded crown of the AFC South.
  13. Washington Commanders – Losing to the previously staggering around Giants could be the death knell for playoff hopes. Some team will probably beat the Niners down the stretch – but it won’t be this one.
  14. Detroit Lions – Red’s 2022 NFL Team of Destiny has three very winnable games against the Panthers, Bears and Packers.
  15. Seattle Seahawks – After two straight losses and with KC looming on the horizon this is probably the high point for the Seahawks from here in.
  16. Jacksonville Jaguars – It is nice to have your fate in your own hands. Win 3 and the Jags are in the playoffs.
  17. New York Jets – It was fun while it lasted.
  18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – On track to be the worst team to make the playoffs since the 2018 Texans.
  19. Las Vegas Raiders – The wildest victory of the year has kept Raiders’ hopes alive.
  20. New England Patriots – The wildest loss of the year has kept Bellicheat’s cardiologist in business.
  21. Green Bay Packers – Yes, the Packers can still make the playoffs. No the Packers won’t make the playoffs.
  22. Cleveland Browns – The second best 6-8 team in the league. Big Whoop!
  23. Atlanta Falcons – Mariota is done, but the Falcons aren’t quite yet. The NFC South is totally up for grabs.
  24. New Orleans Saints – The NFC South is totally up for grabs.
  25. Carolina Panthers – The NFC South is totally up for grabs. Are you sensing a trend here?
  26. Pittsburgh Stealers – The Steal Crew is not going down without a fight, but it is going down.
  27. Arizona Cardinals – The most under-achieving team in the league this season, last season and probably next season.
  28. Chicago Bears – Bad news doesn’t begin to describe this season.
  29. Los Angeles Rams – It will be a very long road back to relevancy.
  30. Denver Broncos – Will need a road map to even find the road back to relevancy.
  31. Houston Texans – Showing signs of life in taking the Cowboys and Chiefs down to the wire in consecutive weeks. Red predicts a couple of wins to close out the season and still not spoil the No. 1 draft spot.
  32. Indianapolis Colts – Any time you blow a 33 point lead, Red is going to rank you dead last.

Red’s 2022 NFL Weekly Roundup – Week 15

Red played golf on Sunday rather than watch what seemed to be a rather mediocre line-up of games. When a Dolphins-Chargers game is the marquee match-up, it’s time to get out the sticks and get some fresh air. Read on.

  1. Philadelphia Eagles – Still appear to be the class of the league after dismembering the fading Giants.
  2. Kansas City Chiefs – A bit creaky in a close win over a bad Broncos team. Three INTs from Mahomes almost cost them a win.
  3. Buffalo Bills – It’s a toss-up for the best team in the AFC right now.
  4. Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals are playing as good as any team right now. 7-1 over the last 8 games.
  5. San Francisco 49ers – Brock Purdy leads absolute beat down of the Buccaneers. Is Mr. Irrelevant the real deal? He has a chance to prove it with 4 more winnable games and a chance at No. 1 seed in NFC.
  6. Dallas Cowboys – Still on track for the No. 1 seed, but a last minute drive to beat the hapless Texans is not a good sign. Cowboys are going to have to win it on the road with only an Eagles home game left.
  7. Baltimore Ravens – The Birds need to win the next three because they aint beating the Bengals in Cincy to close out the regular season.
  8. Minnesota Vikings – Looking more and more like pretenders – not contenders.
  9. Miami Dolphins – The aquatic mammals are the only 8-5 team in the league. That alone gets them in Red’s top ten.
  10. Seattle Seahawks – It’s gut check time for the Falconos Marinos with games against the Niners and Chiefs up next. Two wins and they will probably be in as a Wildcard.
  11. Washington Commanders – Are in Red’s top ten. The end times are near.
  12. New York Giants – Staggering around looking for a place to fall after getting thrashed by Eagles.
  13. New York Jets – Will have to trip over the Giants to find their place on the ground. Scored an impressive 5 points in the 4th quarter of a winnable game against the underperforming Bills.
  14. Tennessee Titans – Will they hoist another NFC South Champions banner? Does anyone care?
  15. Los Angeles Chargers – The Chargers and every team listed above could make the playoffs. How sad is that?
  16. Detroit Lions – Red’s 2022 NFL Team of Destiny have scored more than 30 points six times this season. If the defense ever shows up . . .
  17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Right now an 8-9 finish looks like a big ask.
  18. New England Patriots – The only 6-6 team looks to be going nowhere fast as the season closes with the Bengals, Dolphins and Bills.
  19. Atlanta Falcons – Which shitty team heads the list of teams all but out of it? Why the Falcons of course.
  20. Carolina Panthers – Red puts them here just to insult the Packers.
  21. Green Bay Packers – Have packed it in.
  22. Cleveland Browns – Will have to wait 3 years to play the Texans again.
  23. Pittsburgh Stealers – A missed FG away from beating the Ravens.
  24. Jacksonville Jaguars – After beating the Titans , the Jags are still – incredibly- in the hunt for the AFC South Crown (curiously shaped like a dunce cap). If they beat the Cowboys next week all bets are off.
  25. New Orleans Saints – Are nothing if not boring.
  26. Denver Broncos – Are boring.
  27. Arizona Cardinals – You heard it here first – Kliff Kingsbury to Jackson State. Let’s hope his middle name doesn’t start with K.
  28. Los Angeles Rams – Beating the Raiders is but a rung on the long ladder back to relevancy.
  29. Las Vegas Raiders – Do they have slot machines at home games?
  30. Chicago Bears – Red is starting wonder if the Bears are in for a long haul of sucking.
  31. Indianapolis Colts – It is with great satisfaction that Red ranks the Colts at No. 31.
  32. Houston Texans -Beating the Cowboys would have been sweet.