Author Archives: Red from Texas

About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Republican Presidential History – If Red Could Go Back in Time

If Red could go back in time with the power to alter some events, Republican presidential history for the last 90 years or so would look far different.

  1. Red would make Donald Trump an actually successful businessman who didn’t need to run for president to pump up his failing brand. Alternatively, he would have Trump successfully prosecuted for tax fraud, bank fraud, wire fraud and sexual assault of a minor. Somehow that sounds better now.
  2. Red would make George W. Bush the Commissioner of Major League Baseball – a job he might actually have done well at.
  3. Red would have George H.W. Bush win his attempt to become a U.S. Senator and be satisfied there.
  4. Red would make sure that Ronald Reagan won two Academy Awards (one for Best Actor and one for Best Actor in a Supporting Role) so that he would have never left Hollywood for the political realm.
  5. Red would make Gerald Ford an NFL Head Coach or at least a defensive coordinator.
  6. Red isn’t sure what he could do about Nixon other than have someone bitch slap Eisenhower every time his name came up.
  7. Red would have Eisenhower run for President as a Democrat.
  8. Red would leave Herbert Hoover alone. He set things up pretty well for Roosevelt.

Red’s NFL Roundup – Week 7

Is the cream rising to the top or are the dregs settling to the bottom? A bit of both this week as there were some interesting developments.

Red’s Top Ten

  1. Pittsburgh Stealers – This team did nothing to deserve a bump down this week in winning what should have not been a squeaker over the Titans. But for a pushed S. Gostkowski last second field goal, the Stealers might have been staring at a downward trend with tough upcoming game against the Ravens. Look for a slight upset with the Ravens showing some mettle.
  2. Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs come off the clean execution of the Broncos with a bye week against the Jets. A win puts them at No. 1 next week – maybe.
  3. Baltimore Ravens. This make or break week for the Ravens as an elite team. If they dispatch the Stealers as Red expects, then it is a wide open race for the No. 1 seed in the AFC.
  4. Green Bay Packers. After the uncharacteristic ass-whomping at the hands of the Buccaneers, the Pack showed that it still has what it takes to dominate. Albeit they were dominating the Texans, but you only play who is on the schedule.
  5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Many think this is the most well-rounded team in the league and that even Antonio Brown can’t mess it up. Red isn’t so sure.
  6. Arizona Cardinals. Another well-rounded team that is playing up to its potential. Not many gave them a chance against the Seahawks. Red has the Cards finishing 6-3 for an 11-5 season and a NFC West title.
  7. Seattle Seahawks. A team that desperately needs some defensive help. Are they No. 1 in line for the J J Watt raffle?
  8. Tennessee Titans. Red has to knock them down after relatively poor showing against the Stealers until the 4th quarter. Still a very dangerous team.
  9. Buffalo Bills. On any given Sunday, the Bills could be the best team in the league. Unfortunately, not every Sunday is given.
  10. Cleveland Browns. Another team that could finish 6-3 and make some noise in the playoffs. You heard it here.

The Best of the Rest

The Saints, 49ers, Colts, Rams and Bears all could make the playoffs. Someone has to.

The Bottom Feeders

  1. Atlanta Falcons. There are worse teams, but no other teams lose in worse ways. This week’s fiasco featured Todd Gurley failing to fall down until it was too late and giving the Lions just enough rope to hang the Falcons with.
  2. Dallas Cowboys. Will the Cowboys win another game? The Falcons and Giants wins were both gifts. Some other team may be generous enough to hand them a win. Red is really looking forward to the NFC East showdown between the Boys and the Eagles on Sunday night. Not!
  3. Houston Texans. It’s a close call for the worst NFL team in Texas these days. Red gives it to the Cowboys. The Texans at least look they are trying to win at times.
  4. New Jersey Jets. Red gives the Jets a break this week. Enjoy it boys.
  5. Jacksonville Jaguars. They would be the biggest disappointment if disappointment was not already their middle name.

The Final Countdown

Red avoided the actual debate last night as nothing good was likely to come from that. Red just bought a new big screen and did not want to enrage the household by taking a 9-iron to the on screen image of the Reality TV Show Joke of a President who cannot but lie when he speaks. Instead, Red waiting this morning for the punditry to provide its two-cents. Here is a sampling.

For all the muted microphone hype and anticipation, in the end, the two septuagenarians and tonight’s tepid event probably didn’t change a single voters’ mind in a nation where more 40 million have already cast their ballots.

Dominic Patten and Ted Johnson at Deadline

Trump used every opportunity possible — his “super-spreader” rallies, Fox News, social media — to discredit and debase his “extraordinarily unfair,” “no good” and “radical left Democrat” opponent. And he wasn’t referring to Biden. The target of his attacks, moderator Kristen Welker of NBC News, may as well have been wielding Wonder Woman’s protective shield when she finally faced off with her tormentor. The seasoned Washington reporter appeared unscathed by his attacks. A picture of composure and professionalism, she clearly had no intention of being anyone’s scapegoat and Trump got the message.

Lorraine Ali at LA Times.

During the debate Trump did not lay out any kind of real plan to mitigate the worst public health crisis in the United States in a century. If he had done so, he might have won over some undecided voters, but he seems incapable of doing so.

Peter Bergen CNN

Biden’s team could take heart tonight because Trump eventually slipped backward into his more pugilistic, bullying mode that is a turn-off for most of the country. His attacks on the finances of the Biden family were particularly offensive; notably, most mainstream media outlets don’t think the story is worthy of coverage. It was also true, as CNN’s key fact checker Daniel Dale argued, that Trump may have been better behaved but he lied a lot more. That the CNN instant poll found Biden won by a 53-39% margin seemed right on the mark.

David Gergen CNN

As for the actual debate, the candidates largely drew even on style, but that usually signals a win for the guy leading in the polls. Trump was in an impossible situation — go full-on aggressive, and you risk a replay of the first debate. Sit back and behave, and you miss the chance to provoke Biden into a campaign-altering gaffe. Trump finally acted like an adult, but in doing so, failed to change the race in any way.

Christian Schneider USA Today

If one single thing shone through in Thursday’s debate, it was that Donald Trump has absolutely nothing to say. He has no agenda. He has no plan. He has no ideals or hopes or purpose. All he has is the raw pursuit of power – for his own benefit, no one else’s.

Trump failed to put forward even one specific policy he will push in his second term. He offered some vague hand-waving – he (or the US supreme court) will get rid of Obamacare and he’ll replace it with something better, no you haven’t seen his plan, even though he’s had four years to create it, but he’s working on it, it’s almost done, he swears – but gave Americans no vision for a second-term Trump presidency.

Jill Filipovic The Guardian

Biden holds the lead. Trump shouting down the questions was not what he needed to score an upset and make up lost ground in the final debate. Dredging up Rudy Giuliani’s escapades trying to dig dirt on Biden’s family isn’t selling with the public. Trump failed to slow down Biden just days before the election. The president needed a big win, but Biden maintained his ground with that one statement, looking straight into the camera: “You know who he is.”

Art Cullen The Guardian

The Fortunate Son Writes – Red Translates

Red is taking a break from translating the intense presidential gibberish flooding the airwaves right now. Even Red has a breaking point. But fear not, Red is tackling the multi-generational tripe flowing from the campaign to re-elect the Reality TV Show Joke of a President. It’s Junior’s turn in the spotlight!

Red,

Do you want to go to one of my father’s (Please love me Daddy) upcoming Make America Great Again Rallies (aka Superspreader Events)?

He’s going to host one lucky supporter (or unlucky as the case may be) as his VIP GUEST (or super-sucker), and he specifically asked me to reach out to YOU (Yes, that’s right the President ignored the crucial business of trying to control the “China Virus” and the staggering economy to say, “Hey Jr., find out if we can suck some money out of Red’s wallet since we have squandered a billion bucks and are really desperate”).

My father has always said his favorite part of being President is meeting REAL American Patriots, like Joe from Texas (Well, next to scarfing up federal dollars at his hotels and golf courses, getting foreign agents to bribe him by doing the same, abusing the power of his office to try and indict his opponents, blabbing on Fox and Friends, and insulting anyone who tries to check his grab for unlimited power. Believe me after that meeting you is first on the list). He’s excited to host you at an EPIC Rally (estimated COVID cases more than 1000 and at least 25 deaths), so don’t wait to enter to win this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (that’s right you only get one chance to die supporting your president).

100 more Patriots (Trumpians) can enter today before we hit our goal (Daddy won’t love me if we miss. I’m really begging you here). Will you be one of them (please, please, please)?

Remember, if you win, we’ll cover your flight and hotel (but not your medical bills), we’ll give you VIP ACCESS to a rally (after you are stripped and sanitized and covered in Saran Wrap), AND you’ll get to bring a guest of your choice (Is there anyone you’ve been wanting to kill off? Now is your chance). You’ll even get to take a photo (photo shopped of course) with President Trump so you can remember it forever (which may be about a week depending on your overall health).

My father will be reviewing the list of entrants (Kool-Aid drinkers) tomorrow morning – will your name be on his list (or will I have to send a Proud Boy to your home)?

Thank you,

Donald Trump Jr.

Red’s NFL Roundup – Week 6

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks since Red last checked in. Multiple games had to be rescheduled because of COVID-19 infections. Dak Prescott is out for the season. Bill O’Brien has been cast aside. The Patriots are reeling and the Bears are rising. Red has more:

Red’s NFL Top Ten

  1. Pittsburgh Stealers. Red is a bit surprised, but not shocked that the Stealers have moved to the top of the heap in the AFC. Red pretty much had the Chiefs permanently parked in this spot. Everything is clicking for the Stealers. But can they hang on to No.1 after a tough road game coming up in Nashville?
  2. Seattle Seahawks. Playing in the toughest division in the NFL and dominating the weaker sisters so far. Aha, you say – they have yet to begin division play. That is correct and the Seabirds will face their first true test against the Cardinals who are looking very real.
  3. Kansas City Chiefs. They dispatched what Red thought would be their No. 1 rival in the AFC in beating the Bills handily on Monday afternoon (Yes. Monday afternoon). The loss the the Raiders notwithstanding, Red still thinks at the end of the season, the Chiefs are the team to beat in the AFC. The game with Tampa Bay after Thanksgiving is looming as a stretch drive show down.
  4. Tennessee Titans. The Titans will displace the Stealers from the heap top with a win this week. Derrick Henry is unstoppable, A.J. Brown is shaking off early season sophomore slump and Ryan Tannehill is proving to be more than serviceable. The defense is questionable. Red is calling it now Titans take control with win over Stealers.
  5. Baltimore Ravens. That makes 4 of the top 5 AFC franchises. They hit the bye week at a good time having feasted on weaklings and getting waxed by the Chiefs. The next 5 weeks after that will tell if the Ravens are for real. They play Stealers twice, the Titans, the unpredictable Colts and the still dangerous Patriots. 3-2 might be good against that lineup.
  6. Chicago Bears. Who’d have thunk it? But don’t get too excited. The Bears have only one quality win over the Buccaneers. See below.
  7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It’s not so much the Tom Brady show as the fearsome Tampa defense that has the Buccaneers this high in Red’s rankings. A weak schedule favors their chances.
  8. Buffalo Bills. Bills are hanging in there despite dispiriting back-to-back losses to the Titans and Chiefs. They have an off week against the Jets and then will trounce the Patriots before the make or break point of the season with games against the Seahawks and Cardinals.
  9. Arizona Cardinals. Red is still a believer. Teams are doubling up D. Hopkins and paying the price. Kyler M. is rounding to form and the defense aint half bad either. Do they have a chance against the Seahawks. Hell yes.
  10. Indianapolis Colts. Showing signs of life, the Colts eke out the Saints, Rams and Browns for No. 10 on Red’s list.

The Bottom Feeders

  1. New Jersey Jets. Sad in every possible way.
  2. Houston Texans. Sad but showing signs of life under new management. They should have beat the Titans. They should have fired Bill O the Clown a long time ago too. A friend of Red’s observed that the Texans don’t rebuild, they collapse. See 2006 and 2013 seasons. At least they are keeping on their 7 year cycle. The only interesting question is – Will they trade JJ Watt to make up for the empty draft cupboard and give him a shot at playing for a contender?
  3. Dallas Cowboys. Aren’t the brilliant schedulers happy that they put this team up for 12 prime time and national TV appearances? That alone could affect the NFL’s overall ratings as even die-hard Cowboys haters aren’t going to be interested in this train wreck much longer. A sad end of the line for the Red RIfle.
  4. Washington Football Team. What else is new?
  5. Cincinnati Bengals. They might want the Red Rifle back after blowing a 21-0 lead against the Colts.

Teams to Watch

Red still has his eye on the Saints, Rams and Packers in the NFC. There is still a lot of talent in New Orleans and the Packers can’t be counted out just yet. The Rams are a bit of a mystery.

In the AFC, the Browns and Raiders are potential playoff teams.

Vote Early – Red and Family Did!

Red, Mrs. Red and Red Jr. all voted on Friday. For the first time in his life, Red would have voted straight party for all Democratic candidates. But as you are probably aware, the Texas Republicans killed off that option once they thought it not longer benefitted them. So Red went down the ballot and voted for every race except one where even the Democrat did not deserve his vote. Red is fair-minded after all.

Red was forced to vote against 2-3 Republican judges that he thinks have actually done a pretty good job. Red is sorry, but at this point if you are still clinging to the Trumpian Party (f/k/a the GOP), Red has no sympathy for you going down with the ship – if that is what is to be. If you haven’t stood up and called out the insanity that pervades this administration, you do not deserve to be elected dogcatcher. Would that we still elected dogcatchers- a job that Ted Cruz and John Cornyn might actually be qualified for!

So if you are inclined in the only proper direction – which is to vote out the Reality TV Show Joke of a President and his sycophantic cohorts then GO VOTE. If you are on the fence, do us all a favor and STAY HOME. If you are voting for Trump, may God have mercy on your soul. Red will pray for you because you need help.

Katy Bar the Door – Trump Begs – Red Translates

The Trump campaign’s naked desperation is cutting closer to home. The latest missive from the Reality TV Show Joke of a President directed to Red is focused on the horrors that will befall Texas should Joe Biden be elected. But most curiously, Trump is asking Red to get his mail ballot – you know, the one that is rife with the potential for fraud. As usual, Red decodes the meaning.

Red,

There’s no time to waste (I need to get back to watching Hannity) . This is your LAST opportunity to stand with President Trump in defense of Texas (it’s like the fucking Alamo, man). The deadline to mail in your ballot request application is quickly approaching in Texas (fraud be damned if you’re voting for me). Request your Ballot NOW!

Joe Biden and his band of Democrat cronies (Commies) would DESTROY Texas with their Radical Socialist agenda (there will actually be a giant gap in the map surrounded by New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana and Mexico, but on the plus side it will cut down on the miles of border wall needed). The reality (irony is lost on me)? In a Biden Presidency, Texas will see jobs lost, taxes increased, and safety defunded (and roving gangs of Negro youths). The choice is clear. Joe Biden would be a DISASTER owned by the Radical Left (much worse than me being owned by Putin and the Russian Mob).

President Trump and Republicans across Texas are relying on you to Request your Ballot ahead of the approaching deadline. Can they count on you? Request your Ballot today (request two if you think you can get away with it)!

DEFEND TEXAS FROM THE RADICAL DEMOCRATS. REQUEST YOUR BALLOT IMMEDIATELY. >>

Ballot Request Status 

Red F. Texas
REQUEST NOW >> Make no mistake (well, no mistake bigger than electing me as President in the first place): Joe Biden is the MOST Progressive (what a dirty word) candidate in our Country’s history (He makes Eugene Debs look like Ross Perot). He WILL raise your taxes by 4 trillion dollars (I love made-up numbers – ask any of my bankers or the IRS), grant mass amnesty to 11 million illegal aliens (the brown ones anyway), and pack our Supreme Court with Radical Liberal Justices (as opposed to the Federalist Society automatons that I have installed).

YOU are Texas’s greatest line of defense against Biden’s radical agenda (that and your AK-47 after I lose). Fight back (detailed instructions to follow in the event of my defeat) and Request a Ballot ahead of Texas’s deadline (because my voters are true and honest and Democrats are lying, thieving, leftist scum).

President Donald Trump

NFL at the Quarter Pole

Red is posting a bit early as there are two games tonight that will affect his ratings, but Red is pressing on because who knows what tomorrow may bring.

Red’s Top Ten NFL Teams

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Is there really any argument here. Red expects the Chiefs to beat a Cam Newtonless Patriots outfit tonight. Assuming an average performance, the Chiefs will be near the top in points scored and near the bottom in points allowed. Plus they have made in through without significant injuries.
  2. Seattle Seahawks. They just keep on winning and Russell Wilson wants that MVP trophy on his mantle.
  3. Buffalo Bills. Red welcomes all the latecomers to the Bills bandwagon. Josh Allen is getting serious consideration as an elite QB.
  4. Baltimore Ravens. The Blackbirds would be rated higher but for their pathetic performance against the Chiefs. They will be in good company there by season’s end.
  5. Pittsburgh Stealers. Year in, year out always competitive – except when they aren’t.
  6. Green Bay Packers. So far the smoke machine is pumping out thick dense clouds and the mirrors have been brilliantly polished. Red is skeptical but can’t ignore the results.
  7. Tennessee Titans. A nice run so far, but we will see how the schedule change and the virulent locker room affect a team that could go either way.
  8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. An easy schedule keeps this team in it all the way. Some old dude playing quarterback may help as well.
  9. Indianapolis Colts. Put Red down in the “Surprised” column. Very close to qualifying for the “Astonished” column.
  10. Los Angeles Rams. A tough call between the Rams and the Bears. The Rams have feasted on the decaying corpses of the NFC East. The Bears have three wins over the scrubs of three different divisions. The Rams win the coin toss.

The Bottom Feeders.

  1. The NFC East. Eagles, Cowboys, Giants and Football Team. This division is 3-12-1 collectively through 16 total games. The teams have won exactly 2 games against non-division opponents including the Cowboys miraculous win against the Falcons and the Eagles possibly righting the ship yesterday with a nice win against a still respectable 49ers squad. Someone has to win this division and maybe, just maybe, Red’s dream of a 6-10 team making the playoffs will finally come true.
  2. Houston Texans. The only question seems to be – When will Bill O’ the Clown be fired? A team underperforming on all cylinders in every facet of the game. They would be the number one bottom feeder but for the pathetic excuse of a professional football division that is the NFC East.
  3. New Jersey Jets. This can come as no surprise.
  4. Atlanta Falcons. What is wrong with this team?
  5. Jacksonville Jaguars. Red has seen teams suck before but they are the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. With apologies to Homer Simpson.
  6. Miami Dolphins. Sadness reigns in S. Florida.

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – Playoffs

Red is going all in on the Chiefs to repeat as NFL Champions. Here is the breakdown

AFC Division Champs – 

Chiefs (a tough choice Red knows)

Ravens (another tough one),

Bills (as previously noted it is spineless and weak to pick the Patriots every year – but also a winning strategy)

Titans (the AFC South wins most pathetic division in NFL yet again)

AFC Wildcards –

Broncos (I think Elway has finally found a QB after a long meandering walk in the woods)

Raiders (Vegas Baby Vegas)

Patriots (why not?)

NFC Division Champs –

Eagles (already looking questionable)

Saints (not questionable)

Packers (by default)

Cardinals (every season one team rises from the dead)

NFC Wildcards –

Seahawks (unfortunately still good)

Falcons (I must be insane)

49ers (eke into the last spot because the NFC sucks)

Division Championships

Chiefs and Ravens –  Chiefs win in a thriller

Saints and Seahawks – Saints get revenge

NFL Championship

Chiefs repeat 

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – AFC West

Last but certainly not least.

Kansas City Chiefs

Everything’s up to date in Kansas City – especially the Chiefs offense. Whiz! Bang! Boom! Defensive coordinators everywhere start thinking about that next career defusing explosives on the bomb squad as a restful alternative to playing against the Chiefs. The Chiefs seemingly don’t score more than 40 points every game only because they don’t want to. Somewhere Jack Pardee is wondering why he missed this era of professional football and couldn’t break through with his “Run and Shoot” scheme back in the day. Sorry Jack. It is almost sinful that the Chiefs secured the likely offensive rookie of the year with the 32nd pick in the draft when they wisely scooped up Clyde Edwards-Helaire. With him, Sammy Watkins, Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce, et al. the Chiefs offensive can score from anywhere on the field. The Chiefs’ schedule is no walk in the park, but with an improved defense they probably only need to score 28 per game to dispatch most opponents. Oh, and Red probably should mention a guy named Mahomes. Chiefs managed to stumble a few times but still finish 13-3.

Denver Broncos

Drew Lock convinced Red that he was the real enough deal when watching him dismantle the Texans in Houston late last season. It has been a long dry spell for the Broncos since P. Manning retired – culminating in the Flacco Joe debacle. Now that he may finally have his man, John Elway is going to give Lock the tools to succeed.  The team took receivers Jerry Jeudy and KJ Hamler and tight end Albert Okwuegbunam in the draft for an immediate upgrade. Melvin Gordon and Phillip Lindsay are a serviceable tandem in the backfield. Von Miller still leads an above average defense. The Broncos are going to surprise a lot of folks. Denver is 10-6 and in as a wild card.

Las Vegas Raiders

Red will have to get used to that one. The new swanky location lifts the team spirits and opposing teams will be a bit discombobulated coming into the not so high desert (elevation approx. 2030 feet which makes it the second highest franchise in the league). Red is being contrarian here but for some reason he thinks what happens in Vegas, will not stay in Vegas and the Raiders are headed for the last wild card spot at 9-7.

Los Angeles?? Chargers

This team has burned Red over and over again. Not this year baby. LA goes 4-12.