Recap of Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. This truism works for the NFL prediction game as well as major political and military blunders. As such, every season, Red does a light critical analysis of his previous season predictions. Red usually isn’t too far off the guys and gals who actually get paid for such heavy lifting. Last season was no different. Well, maybe a little different.
NFC – Red had the Eagles, Falcons, Vikings and Rams as division champs and the Bears and Saints as wild card entrants. That was 4 out of the 6 playoff teams. Red missed bigly on the Falcons who had a horrid start and have never regained their 2016 form. The Vikings just plain sucked. The biggest surprise here was the Cowboys 7 of their last 8 and then eking out a win over the Seahawks in the playoffs.
AFC – Red had the Patriots, Stealers, Texans and Chiefs as division winners and the Chargers and Browns as wild card winners. Again 4 out of 6. The Colts making the dance were the biggest surprise to Red – especially starting 1-5 and then going on a tear culminating with them ripping the Texans a new one in the first round of the playoffs (on the road no less). The Ravens earned their spot the hard way starting 4-5 and lucked out when Flacco Joe went down and Lamar Jackson rallied the troops. The Stealers had too many injuries, holdouts and other excuses, while the Browns blew at least 3 games they should have won which would have put them in the hunt.
Overall – Picking 8 of the 12 playoff teams is about Red’s average. He had 10 correct one year, but most years he bounces around between 7 and 9. So, if you had gone to Vegas on Red’s picks to make the playoffs, you might have done okay.
Playoffs – Red had the Chiefs as his NFL Champion (beating the Falcons – ugh!). And as for the rest of the playoffs, Red screwed the pooch with his only correct prediction being the Chiefs actually playing in the AFC Championship game. Well, they were just one completion (and/or an overtime rule change) short of beating the Pats and if that had happened the Superb Owl would have been something with the high-powered Chiefs and Rams offenses marching up and down the field. Instead, there was a pathetic 13-3 snooze-fest won by the undeserving Pats. Oh well.

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The 2018 NFL Deadman of the Year Award

Every season Red kicks-off with the Annual Deadman of the Year Award – which goes to player who contributed about as much to his team’s success last season as would a dead man. The award can only go to a player who at times has shown signs of actual life in being a true contributor on the field. And injuries rarely factor into the DMOTY Panel’s decision making.

There were several worthy candidates. Jacksonville Jaguars QB Blake Bortles endured an awful start to the season losing 9 of his 12 starts while boasting a QB rating of 79.8 and ultimately making way for Cody “Who’s He” Kessler. New Jersey Jets WR Terrelle Pryor was similarly unimpressive totaling 14 catches in the six games he played before being escorted to the door only to be picked up by the Bills and released again after two games. Pittsburgh Stealers K Chris Boswell cost his team at least 2 games with errant kicking and made only 65% of his attempts – making only 5 of his 10 attempts from 40-49 yards (he missed 5 PATs to boot). Red discounts the candidacy of Washington OTNAs QB Mark Sanchez because he might have been technically dead since 2016.


But the undisputed winner of the 2018 Dead Man of the Year Award goes to Arizona Cardinals QB Sam Bradford (make that former Arizona Cardinals QB Sam Bradford). After signing a one-year $20 million contract in March, Bradford was expected to start for a full season while highly regarded rookie Josh Rosen learned the ropes. SB lasted all of three games before being dumped in a ditch in the desert. In his three starts Bradford went 50 for 80 (not awful), for 400 yards (quite pathetic), 2 TDs (aaarg!), 4 INTs (that don’t work) and 2 lost fumbles (oops). Amazingly, no other NFL team picked up SB (instead of Colin Kaepernik). And although the oft-injured Sad Sack Sam has never really had what one could call a “good NFL season”, he has not been horrid since 2011 when playing for the hapless St. Louis Rams. Still his remarkable 2018 season of ineptitude will not go unnoticed here at PinH. Congratulations Sam, you are last season’s Dead Man of the Year.

PS:  Red likes how the only trading card image he could find of Bradford shows him in training camp attire.

Quote for the Day

“You know, I was looking at a story recently…where Antifa is posting, you know they want to come down to El Paso and do a 10-day siege. Clear message to Antifa: Stay out of El Paso.”

Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick in the wake of the slaughter of 20 people in El Paso by an avowed white supremacist.

Remind Red how many people Antifa has killed over the last decade.  Oh that’s right – absolutely none.  Leave it to Pontificating Patrick to aim in precisely the wrong direction while throwing some red meat to his base.

Chocolate Penis Spells Trouble in Waco

The Waco Tribune-Herald reports that Thomas Gourneau of Cedar Hill has been charged with criminal harassment after sending a penis-shaped chocolate candy bar to a McLennan County Sheriff’s employee.  The prank, which targeted Tracy Chance who formerly worked for the Sheriff and is now a jailer, was based on a romantic rivalry between the two men over Gourneau dating Chance’s ex-wife.

The posting of the problematic pecker has been turned into a criminal case by an overzealous prosecutor likely because the target worked in law enforcement.  Even though there are allegations of long-standing animosity between Gourneau and Chance, it is hard to imagine that a local DA would be interested in such antics if the target of the prank had not been working for the Sheriff.  The chocolate cock was sent anonymously, so it required actual detective work investigating Gourneau’s bank and credit card records.  Red is glad to see that the McLennan County Sheriff and DA are doing God’s work after completely botching the prosecution of bikers in the wake of the fatal Twin Peaks shootout.  But it’s no laughing matter for Gourneau who faces up so six months in jail and a $2000 fine for his actions in sending the delicious dick to Chance.

Gourneau’s attorney, Cody Cleveland, questions the motives behind prosecution for sending a phony phallus. In his interview with the Tribune-Herald, Cleveland expressed his dismay with a complaint over a  succulent schlong.

“I question whether if I or somebody not involved in law enforcement had called 911 and said we had a matter that needed to be investigated and told them I had received a chocolate candy bar in the shape of a penis, how long I would be sitting before they arrived at my office or my house to investigate that crime,” Cleveland said. “I wonder whether or not there would be any kind of follow-up as far as a warrant issued or an arrest made.  I just think because this guy works for the sheriff’s office and it got delivered to him at the sheriff’s office that it was easy for him to walk across the hall and get a detective to look into the case. That’s the reason they went forward.”

Well, Waco has never been known as the most tolerant of Texas towns.  So if you are thinking of sending any edible genitalia (vanilla vagina?) in that direction, be forewarned.

 

Quote for the Day

“Many of those affected were firefighters, police officers and other first responders. And I was down there also, but I’m not considering myself a first responder. But I was down there. I spent a lot of time down there with you.”

Trumph – the Insult Comic President – speaking to first responders after signing legislation to extend the 911 Victims Compensation Fund.   Curiously, there is no evidence that Trump ever was at Ground Zero in the aftermath of 911.  You know germs!

The remark provoked considerable derision with the best coming from a variety of Tweeters who noted some other remarkable accomplishments that Trump was involved in and will undoubtedly be taking credit for in the future.  Check out #LostTrumpHistory

Red’s contribution:

Thank God, Trump was the lone survivor of the massacre at the Alamo so he could later lead the Texian Army’s victory at San Jacinto!

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Trump Picks Texas Toady for Director of National Intelligence

The Director of National Intelligence is a crucial job which calls for a steady hand who can analyze the threats to our national security and fairly and objectively advise the President and other officials regarding those threats and the best response to them.   Over the weekend steady Dan Coats was summarily dismissed. In fact it’s something a miracle that he hung as long as he did after repeatedly contradicted Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the threats posed by Russia to our elections and the threats emanating from North Korea and Saudi Arabia.   That a truth teller could survive so long in this Reality TV Show Joke of a Presidency is truly remarkable.  But something finally broke and Trumph ousted Coats.

So who does Trumph pick?  Rep. John Ratcliffe of Texas 4th Congressional District.  Ratcliffe is a former small town Texas mayor and U.S. Attorney who apparently was bucking for Attorney General only to be out-sycophanted by Bill Barr.  So Ratcliffe upped his game during Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s testimony last week.  Ratcliffe has been a skeptic of the Mueller investigation into Russian election interference, but he made the headlines after his aggressive questioning of Mueller. Ratcliffe accused Mueller of denying Trump due process, stating that the president was not above the law “but he damn sure shouldn’t be below the law.” Good enough for Trumph to reward Ratcliffe this time despite his apparent complete lack of national intelligence experience.  To be fair, Ratcliffe was appointed to be Chief of Anti-Terrorism and National Security for the Department of Justices in that hotbed of international intrigue and espionage that is the Eastern District of Texas.

As directed by statute, “under ordinary circumstances, it is desirable” that either the director or the principal deputy director of National Intelligence be an active-duty commissioned officer in the armed forces or have training or experience in military intelligence activities and requirements.  See 50 U.S.C. § 403-3a.  Red goes back to the principals for any Trump appointment.  Qualification No. 1 – are you now and will you be in the future a complete and total toady for Trumph?  If yes, ask no more.

Donald Trump Reads Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution

Since most of you out there (much like Trump) won’t take the time to actually read Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, Red will give you the Article as Trump would read it – as if he could be bothered with such triviality.

The executive Power (totally unlimited despite what follows) shall be vested in a President of the United States of America (that’s me). He shall hold his Office (it’s all mine) during the Term of four Years  (or more if I feel like it), and, together with the Vice President (usually a bozo like Sleepy Joe), chosen for the same Term, be elected, as follows

Each State shall appoint, in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a Number of Electors, equal to the whole Number of Senators and Representatives to which the State may be entitled in the Congress: but no Senator or Representative, or Person holding an Office of Trust or Profit under the United States, shall be appointed an Elector (this stuff is only important because it’s the only way I could get elected). 

* * *

The Congress may determine the Time of chusing (good spelling) the Electors, and the Day on which they shall give their Votes; which Day shall be the same throughout the United States.

No Person except a natural born Citizen (hear that Lying Ted?), or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years (unless really hot like Ivanka!), and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States (or one of Jeffrey Epstein’s houses).

In Case of the Removal of the President from Office, or of his Death, Resignation, or Inability to discharge the Powers and Duties of the said Office (never gonna happen so forget this shit), the Same shall devolve on the Vice President, and the Congress may by Law provide for the Case of Removal, Death, Resignation or Inability, both of the President and Vice President, declaring what Officer shall then act as President, and such Officer shall act accordingly, until the Disability be removed, or a President shall be elected.

The President shall, at stated Times, receive for his Services, a Compensation (a pittance), which shall neither be encreased nor diminished during the Period for which he shall have been elected, and he shall not receive within that Period any other Emolument from the United States, or any of them (is that like an unguent?).

Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, he shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:—”I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States (as long as it doesn’t get in my way).”

Section. 2.

The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States (because, you know, I am really good at war), and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States; he may require the Opinion (as if I needed that – or would read it), in writing, of the principal Officer in each of the executive Departments, upon any Subject relating to the Duties of their respective Offices, and he shall have Power to grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offences against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment.

He shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate (pack of weasels), to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

The President shall have Power to fill up all Vacancies (I’ve filled a few vacancies in my life – if you know what I mean) that may happen during the Recess of the Senate, by granting Commissions which shall expire at the End of their next Session.

Section. 3.

He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union (totally great from the minute I took office – a complete shithole before that), and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient; he may, on extraordinary Occasions, convene both Houses, or either of them, and in Case of Disagreement between them, with Respect to the Time of Adjournment, he may adjourn them to such Time as he shall think proper; he shall receive Ambassadors and other public Ministers (please bring presents); he shall take Care that the Laws be faithfully executed (if I feel like it), and shall Commission all the Officers of the United States.

Section. 4.

The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors (pay no attention to this part).

Section 5

And most importantly, he can do whatever he wants to.