Individual 1 a/k/a Trumph – the Insult Comic President has declared a national emergency on the southern border to enable a raid on Department of Defense funds to build the “wall” that he showed no interest in building while the GOP had complete control of government for 2 years (long windup). Like most things, once a leader gets a taste of exercising power, he or she will be looking around for other opportunities to flex their presidential muscle. Fortunately for you, Red has chopped open some chickens and can make a few predictions about future crisis, that Trumph will claim require use of his extraordinary emergency powers. To list just a few:
Critical shortages of orange hair dye and skin bronzer requires emergency confiscation of existing supplies for executive use.
Three triple bogeys in a row at Mar-a-Lago requires emergency change in rules of golf – US President starts each hole at -1 strokes.
Pending threat of incarceration requires executive action declaring presidential children immune from federal prosecution.
New bimbo eruptions require creation of emergency detention camps in California desert for presidential accusers and their attorneys.
Putin’s threats of exposure of Trump organization’s rampant criminal activity requires emergency action turning over all nuclear weapons to Russia -shipping to be paid by U.S.
Drop in viewership requires emergency executive order requiring all citizens to watch 3.5 hours of Fox News every day – with test to follow.
Emergence of 2020 GOP primary challengers sparks emergency roundup and detention of declared candidates for re-education in ways of all things Trumpian.
Possibility of loss in 2020 election requires declaration establishing Trumph as “President for Life.”
From the Annals of the Blue Northers – In 1899, the coldest temperature ever recorded in Texas occurred in Tulia. Thermometers recorded a temperature of minus 23 degrees Fahrenheit. The frigid air was part of the “Big Freeze” (a/k/a the Great Blizzard of 1899) perhaps the most famous blue norther ever to reach the state. Record lows that still stand today were recorded across much of the eastern U.S. including the only subzero temperature ever recorded in Florida. In Texas, the blizzard killed thousands of head of livestock and damaged crops.
Somehow Red must have been sleeping or engaged in important activity like smoking ribs, but he completely missed the inaugural game at the Alamodome of the San Antonio Commanders – Texas’ entry into the new Alliance of American Football. The new league which kicked off this weekend is composed of 8 teams in Atlanta, Birmingham, Memphis and Orlando in the East and San Antonio, San Diego, Arizona and Salt Lake City in the West.
The Commanders are headed by former San Diego Chargers coach Mike Riley and Dallas Cowboys legend Daryl Johnston is the General Manager of the team. The Commanders name is a tribute to San Antonio’s military history complete with sword, Alamo profile and one lone star.
The AAF has some interesting rules. There are no kickoffs (possession starts at the 25 yard line), no extra points (teams must go for a 2-point conversion) and no onside kicks (under certain conditions, after scoring teams can opt for a 4th and 12 from their own 28 yard line). Teams are allowed 2 coaches challenges and there are no replays (but there is a 9th “Sky Official” who can review calls and overturn the on-field decision. And most critically to fans of all stripes, the league is streamlining time-outs and aims to complete games in 2.5 hours. And most commendably, the league is outsourcing head injury reviews to a neutral third-party.
Oh, and the Commanders defeated the San Diego 15-6 in their first game.
From the Annals of the Republic – In 1842, sailors and marines stationed on the Texas Navy schooner San Antonio mutinied. The SA was anchored in the Mississippi River at New Orleans at the time. Most of the officers were allowed shore leave but sailors and marines were confined aboard because of fear of desertion. Some enterprising New Orleans citizen smuggled liquor to the ensconced sailors and marines who under marine sergeant Seymour Oswalt, began an unsuccessful mutiny demanding shore leave. Lt. Charles Fuller ordered the marine guard to stand ground at which point Oswalt attacked Fuller with a tomahawk. In the ensuing fight, Lt. Fuller was shot and killed. Most of the mutineers fled the ship where they were captured and placed in jail in New Orleans. Louisiana refused to extradite them back to Texas, but a few mutineers who had not escaped the ship met a different fate. The head of the Texas Navy, Commodore Edwin Moore court-martialed some of the remaining mutineers. Three were sentenced to flogging, and four were hanged from the yardarm of the Austin on April 6, 1843. Sgt. Oswalt himself escaped from jail in New Orleans and was never brought to justice. Shortly afterward, the San Antonio was dispatched to Campeche but was lost at sea.
All of which is an utter and complete fabrication brought to you by an AG facing criminal prosecution for deceptive activity. Red is still waiting for the retraction.
“Trump’s trip to El Paso is the equivalent of a criminal returning to the scene of the crime.”
Todd Curry, UTEP political science professor – referring to Individual 1’s enforcement of forced family separation, the death of child asylum seekers, inadequate detention facilities and force-feeding of hunger strikers in the El Paso area.
From the Annals of the War Presidents – In 1966, U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson met with South Vietnamese Premier Nguyen Cao Ky in Honolulu. At the time, American involvement in the Vietnam War was already spiraling out of control and the motivation for the talks may have been to address growing public opinion against the war. The talks resulted in the issuance of a joint declaration in which the United States promised to help South Vietnam “prevent aggression” and establish “the principles of self-determination of peoples and government by the consent of the governed.” As part of his public relations campaign for continuing the war, Johnson declared: “We are determined to win not only military victory but victory over hunger, disease, and despair.” Johnson referred to this as “The Other War” meaning the supposed effort to improve the lives of the South Vietnamese through increased security, and economic and social programs to win the so-called “hearts and minds.” Red does not need to point out the utter failure of all of this.