While Red is still encouraging everyone to show up and vote, it is looking more and more like Texans (and probably the nation as well) will have to put up with Sen. Rafael Edward “Lyin’ Ted” Cruz (TP – Texas) for another six years. In the most recent Quinnipiac University Poll, LT has a nine-point lead over El Paso Congressman Beto O’Rourke. LT leads Beto with a 54% to 45% gap among likely voters. That means that there are very few undecided voters out there and unless there is an October surprise, Red will still have LT to kick around for six more years – which is admittedly fun. Red credits Beto with having run an enthusiastic campaign – but if in the age of Trumpism, the charismatic Beto cannot get more than 45% of the vote after having raised over $23 million, there is little hope that any Democrat will win statewide office in Texas for another decade at least.
Well, Ol’ Red was a sad 2-4 last week having picked the Texans and the Patriots to win and the Cowboys to lose. Red is used to disappointment from the Texans – but the Pats are another story. Red may soon be eating his preseason words about the apparently mighty Jags.
Your Game of the Week Game – Buccaneers over Stealers. Ryan Fitzpatrick is living proof of Bill O’ the Clown’s (and that’s Texans’ Head Coach Bill O’Brien as if you couldn’t guess) gross inability to manage even a moderately competent professional quarterback. Fitz has proved himself to be more than moderately competent while subbing in for the suspended Jameis Winston and JW may have trouble reclaiming the huddle if Fitz continues his winning ways. Not to mention the sartorial splendor he sported at the post-game presser after the Bucs tore up the Eagles for an impressive win. Fitz wore . . . Fitz displayed . . . – oh hell, Red has to show the photo
If this doesn’t convince you that the Bucs are a team to reckoned with – nothing will. And the Stealers are no slouch either. Right now these are the top two offenses overall and top two passing offenses in the league – which is somewhat amazing given the way the Chiefs have been tearing it up. So Red thinks this could be the highest scoring game of the entire season (topping the 88 put up by the Bucs and Saints in Week 1). Have the coffee table fully prepped on Monday night (chips, queso, guacamole, brownies (laced or otherwise) and a full cooler loaded with beverages of preference on the floor. You don’t want to miss a minute of this one. Tampa Bay 51 Pittsburgh 48.
Your Texas Game of the Week – Seahawks over Cowboys. Red has to credit the Cowboys pass rush last week who made Eli Manning look either like an old man with a walker or a clueless rookie. They probably try the same act against R. Wilson who still can actually move. It is somewhat effective but not effective enough to overcome the Cowboys offensive ineptitude on the road. Red will send Pete the Cheat a reminder that the Red Rule is in place this week. Seattle 14 Arlington 10.
Your National TV Game of the Week – Browns over Jets. Surely someone will be watching this game on Thursday night when the Browns finally get their act together and win a game for the first time since the days of Lou “The Toe” Groza – okay really since the days of Bernie Kozar. The only problem here is that the Jets look to be this season’s “Inconsistent Team of the Year.” Meaning that you will never know from week-to-week which Jets team is going to show up – the one featured potential Rookie of the Year Sam Darnold and rolled and smoked the Lions or the one that crapped their Under Armour against the Dolphins. This week Red thinks the Jets should pull out the brown pants. They can borrow them from the Browns. Cleveland 24 New Jersey 16.
Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Falcons over Saints. You might expect offensive fireworks and a highly entertaining game when these NFC South rivals meet. Not this week. Red predicts a tight defensive struggle and both Brees and Matty Ice falter and both defensive lines excel. Atlanta 17 New Orleans 14.
Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Dolphins over Raiders. Right now the Raiders don’t need a hex working against them to lose big to halfway decent teams. The Gruden offense is terrible and the Khalil Mack trade was a complete blunder. How often has the best defensive player in the entire freaking NFL been traded away! So we will see how Genius Jon handles a triple forward time zone hex in the swamps of South Florida. Red guesses – not so well. Meanwhile, the Dolphins are playing like an actual professional football team and sit alone atop the AFC East – much to Red’s shock and dismay. The secure that spot this week with a brutal beatdown of the hapless Raiders. Miami 39 Oakland 16.
This Week’s Shit Bowl – Texans over Giants. Texans finally come back to the not-so-friendly confines of NRG Stadium on the South Loop. Just look for the rusting heap of the Astrodome – a fitting paradigm for what appears to be the rusting heap of another wasted Texans’ season. Ah, but you say hopefully, “The Giants are coming to town!” That may be a one-week fix for all that ails the average team, but remember these are your perennially disappointing Texans – coached by Bill O’ the Clown who shows no hope of ever becoming even a halfway decent game day coach. Every Texans game is marred by some blundering decision regarding either challenging a call on the field, clock management, inept play calling or as featured Sunday a complete breakdown on special teams. Last week it was a mistake that even Junior High teams don’t make when the Texans left a gunner on the Titans punt team uncovered who scooped in a lob from the upback and scampered 67 yards untouched to the end zone. John Madden was rolling over on his couch. Maybe just maybe, the Texans can beat a sad sack team like the Giants. Or maybe Saquon Barkley breaks the all time NFL record for total yards from scrimmage. All things are possible when the Texans play. Red will not be attending this beastly bowel battle and if you are watching please remember to remove all sharp objects from your man or woman cave lest ye be tempted to open up a vein in dismay sometime during the third quarter. Houston 13 New Jersey 9.
[M]ost Democratic senators have made clear they have no intention of giving Kavanaugh fair consideration. Eager to show they are part of the anti-Trump “resistance,” Senate Democrats are resorting to absurd, outrageous and shameful behavior in a desperate attempt to keep President Trump’s nominee off the high court.
Hans A. von Spakovsky, Senior Legal Fellow at The Heritage Foundation.
Hans, Hans – did you write this with a straight face? Substitute Merrick Garland for Brett Kavanaugh, Obama for Trump and Republicans for Democrats and this quote might have the ring of truth to it.
Sen. Rafael Edward “Lyin’ Ted” Cruz (TP-Texas) has been sending out letters soliciting campaign funds which are disguised as an “Official [Insert County Here] Summons” and as shown above state in big bold letters “SUMMONS ENCLOSED – OPEN IMMEDIATELY”. This is an attempt to use a deceptive but apparently legal tactic to increase the rate at which recipients open the letter instead of immediately tossing into the trash can (or recycling – something that would no doubt piss off the Senator). As deceptive as the envelope is – the tactic is legal as long as the contents are clear that it is coming from a campaign. But you have to wonder at this desperate of a tactic. Well you might have to wonder if this wasn’t coming from Lyin’ Ted. As much as Trumph The Insult Comic President™ has gotten wrong – he seems to have been spot on with his characterization of Cruz’s true nature. Red is only surprised that Cruz is not telling Red that he “May Already be a Winner!” or that he is the favored nephew and only heir of the late former minister of oil development of Cote d’Ivoire and needs some help transferring $26,000,000 to a U.S. account.
Red missed the opening week of the season due to unavoidable commitments and trouble with his Ipad. Be advised, however, that he would not have picked the Texans to win on the road in New England, but would have taken the Saints over the Buccaneers, the Chiefs over the Chargers, the Bears over the Packers, the Panthers over Cowboys, Jaguars over Giants. That would be a hypothetical 4-2, but it doesn’t count unless you tell someone about it. Red also doesn’t give any betting advice this week because it is too early in the season for accurate throwing away of hard-earned cash.
Your National TV Game of the Week – Giants over Cowboys. The Red Rule is back – and for you new readers out there, the rule is very simple – SCORE 13 POINTS AND BEAT THE COWBOYS. It only took 9 last week, but Red won’t quibble. The Cowboys’ offense looks truly terrible even with E. Elliott at full speed. Red has a funny feeling that Zeke may make him forget all about Steve Slayton (who as long-time readers will remember – Licks the sweat off a dead man’s balls!). It’s way too early to make that call, but here’s hoping. Other than Zeke and Cole Beasley, the Boys are devoid of weapons and unless Sean Lee is playing lights out – the defense aint much to write home about either. On the other hand, there are the Giants – led by tired old Eli Manning and relying on probable Rookie of the Year Saquon Barkley. The future ROY gets it done this week. New Jersey 14 Arlington 6.
Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Titans. Red likes Marcus M. but the dude cannot stay on the field and that may be a good thing this week as he would be relying on the shambles of an offensive line the Titans will trot out at home on Sunday. The Titans may be missing both starting tackles and all-world TE Delanie Walker is gone for the season – a real shame for lovers of excellent TE play like Red. If Mercilus, Watt and Clowney cannot tee off on this bunch – the vaunted Texans defense probably isn’t all that. Texans need a competent offensive performance – something that even Bill O’ the Clown should be able to whip up after getting gob-smacked in week one. This is probably a snoozefest for most of the game with a flurry of activity at the end. Houston 28 Tennessee 17.
Your Must Watch Game of the Week – Chiefs at Stealers. The Patrick Mahomes Show featuring Tyreek Hill and Kareem Hunt debuted last week to rave reviews. Episode 2 can be disappointing for a new series. However, with head writer Andy Reid in charge, Red expects new and exciting scripts with lots of drama for most of the season. This week’s episode has an interesting subplot with Travis Kelce playing a big role in solving the mystery of the Steel Curtain. This one has hit series written all over it. Stay tuned for more. Kansas City 44 Pittsburgh 28.
Your Overrated Game of the Week – Patriots over Jaguars. Normally, you might think that a matchup between the defending AFC Champs and a team that reversed about a decade of franchise futility last season would be an interesting watch. Not so this week. While the Patriots have the mirrors finely polished and the smoke machines pumping out thick dense dark smoke, it just doesn’t make for very exciting games right now. That they have two master magicians on the team doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t matter this week. Jags are overmatched and get another lesson in how it is done this week. New England 27 Jacksonville 17.
Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week Chargers over Bills. As you know, Red is big believer in the time zone hex and the reverse triple time zone, longitudinal inverse hex is very powerful. However, no hex can stand up to the mighty negative power of the Bills. Chargers are lucky to get one hex out of the way early while Bills are still floundering for a solution to the eternal problem – Why are we still living and playing games in Buffalo? Los Angeles 45 Bills 13.
And – This Week’s Shit Bowl – OTNAs over Colts. The Colts have to win a few games this year based on having A. Luck at quarterback alone. Don’t get Red wrong, he would not want the Luckster on his team, but he is a competent quarterback capable of beating the lesser teams. And while the OTNAs are a lesser team, they bitch-slapped the Cardinals last week on the road. So while it is a bit unfair to put them in this week’s Shit Bowl, Red is pretty sure that it will hold up by the end of the season. With apologies to Alex Smith, Red has them winning this turgid turd tussle. Landover, Md. 24 Indianapolis 17.