I want to know who’s the person, who’s the person who gave the whistle-blower (scum-sucking weasel) the information (the evidence of my crimes). Because that’s close to a spy (and I know from spies because I’ve been a Russian agent for years). Basically, that person never saw the report (Thank God), never saw the call (and a perfect call it was), he never saw the call (say it twice so they’ll remember), heard something and decided that he or she, or whoever the hell they saw (I’m losing my train of thought here)- they’re almost a spy (see above). You know what we used to do in the old days when we were smart (I’m thinking Spanish Inquisition here)? Right? The spies and treason (because it’s treason to expose my crimes – look it up – it’s right after Art. II where it says as President I can do whatever I want), we used to handle it a little differently than we do now (Are you listening out there? Please somebody kill these mofos now).
Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the whistleblower that just might take him down
One of the true treats of attending the Texas State Fair in Dallas is the chance to chomp on a freshly fried Fletcher’s Corny Dog. Careful not to burn the roof of your mouth. But there is trouble brewing and a full-fledged corny dog war is about to break out it would seem. Various wings of the Fletcher family are now fighting over the trademark name.
In a lawsuit filed Thursday in Texas federal court, Fletcher’s Original State Fair Corny Dogs have sued mother and daughter Victoria Fletcher and Jace Christensen for selling corny dogs under the name “Fletch” to confuse consumers into buying their products. FOSFCD claim that Victoria and Jace are “estranged members” of the Fletcher family and are planning to open a “Fletch” restaurant right before the Texas State Fair begins next week to capitalize on the confusion. .
FOSFCD dates back to 1942 when two brothers who had previously worked as vaudeville performers began selling corny dogs at the Texas State Fair. Victoria Fletcher is divorced from the grandson of one of the original founders and neither she nor her daughter have any ownership interest in the family business according to the complaint. But since February Victoria and Jace have been selling Fletch Corny Dog at various events, causing “a substantial amount of actual confusion” as to whether the two brands are related. However, Fletch is not selling corny dogs at the State Fair, so the likelihood of confusion seems limited at that venue.
And for the record, Red loves a good corn dog.
I never met her (she was like maybe a 5 at best so why bother). She never treated me nicely (because she told the truth about me). But I would like to wish her family well (the guys in the press office made me say that). She was a professional, and I respect professionals (like Stormy Daniels). I respect you guys a lot, you people a lot (for a bunch of lying scum that is). She was a real professional. Never treated me well (you know, because it’s all about me all the time), but I certainly respect her as a professional (if i say professional enough maybe someone will think that I am one too).
Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the death of Cokie Roberts.
Red gets to cheat a bit on this one as he ran out of time before the season started to make his selection in the former NFL Division of Excellence. Oh yes, there was a time when the AFC South routinely put up the best numbers of any division in football. That has long since passed. The AFC South did post two play-off teams last season – that is, if you considered the Texans to actually be a playoff team after getting rolled and smoked by the Colts in January. Jacksonville regressed to recent form and perhaps the Titans did not get the love they deserved for their close to the play-offs 9-7 record last season under new coach Mike Vrabel. So with the benefit of Week One under his belt, Red goes all in.
Tennessee Titans – Again, yet another pick that Red will likely regret. The Titans were at best erratic last season. They started 3-1, then lost three in a row (including 2 one-point losses to the Bills and Chargers before blowing out the Cowboys and Patriots in back to back weeks to seemingly right the ship at 5-4. Then they get smacked by the Colts and Texans before winning four in a row against the weakest of the weak sisters last season (Jets, Jags, Giants and OTNA’s) and then blew amy shot at the playoffs in the last game to the surging Colts. The Colts probably had all the tie-breakers anyway, but . . . The Titans bring basically the same team back – with a few additions. Derrick Henry leads the league in rushing and M&M proves that he is a serviceable NFL QB if not a star. Tennessee is 10-6 and back in the mix.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Losing Nick Foles in the first quarter of the first game might not be the end for the Jags. They still have a rough-house defense (ask Patrick Mahomes how he feels this week) and strong running game. Rookie QB Tyler Minshew made an impressive and record-setting debut (completing his first 13 NFL passes in a row) before the Jags simply could not keep up with the Andy Reid show feature Patrick Mahomes and the Powerhouse Chiefs Offense Band (words that will be written many times this season). Jags will win low scoring ugly games and just enough for an 8-8 finish.
Houston Texans – Disorder be an easy one. The problem starts riot at the top. What is up with Cal “the Idiot Son of Deceased former owner and once-hailed Houston football savior Bob” McNair? Is he stupid or just morass than previously thought? Here’s Red’s tangle on the situation. Janice McNair needs to cut discord with Idiot Son and find a real person to ruin the franchise. Otherwise, Red will be one pandemonium all season about the Texans. The trouble will travel from the owner’s box down to the sideline and into the muddle on the field before plays. Before the season is over, attendance drops, ticket resale lags, and tickets will be free for all practical purposes. Even turning tumult-iple formations on the field doesn’t revive fan interest. Disarray of different offensive schemes can’t cure the problems with management. The problems compound and even moving the bollix a problem for the offense. In the last game of the season, angry maelstrom the field and call for Cal’s sizeable head on a pole. Has Red made his chaos? Texans tough schedule and rudderless front office lead to anarchy on South Main 7-9 rat’s nest.
Indianapolis Colts – Red hates the Colts. The Colts would hate Red if they ever thought about him – which of course they don’t. Red tempers his hate by season end and gets some much needed help. Indianapolis is lucky to finish 7-9 as well.
Time is running short. So here’s the skinny.
Kansas City Chiefs – What can Red say. The Andy Reid Show featuring Patrick Mahomes, Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce will be a huge hit yet again this season. No. 1 in the Nielsen Ratings. No. 1 in the AFC West. No. 1 in the AFC. No. 1 in the NFL. Even the sad sack defense which couldn’t stop the Pats in the AFC Championship game (rules change please) is better. What is not to like. Oh yeah, the sob sisters are talking about how Mahomes can’t possible repeat some of the earth scorching performances of last season. Wanna bet? Take the Chiefs and the over in every game this season and see how that works out for you. Red is not sure who they will lose to. Kansas City goes 15-1 – Wow!
Los Angeles Chargers – Red likes the Chargers. He always has. The Chargers usually disappoint Red. The Chargers play every game on the road. The Chargers waste the careers of future NFL Hall of Famers. Poor LT. But the Chargers make the playoffs just often enough to make them a good bet in a weakened west. Look for LA to make it o 10-6.
Oakland Raiders – What a shit show Jon Gruden is putting up! JG seems like a nice guy on HBO, but Red suspects that his inner asshole will out this season. This is an organization that makes the Texans look like a well-oiled machine. Disappointment reigns in the final season of the Oakland Raiders 7-9.
Denver Broncos – Simple answer: They suck! Denver goes 6-10 behind the walking corpse of Flacco Joe.
Usually a tough division to pick (with the notable exception of the Cleveland Browns for about two decades). This season is no different. One betting site refers to the AFC North as “one hell of a puzzle box for NFL bettors.” Fortunately for you, Red is pretty damn good at puzzle boxes.
Baltimore Ravens – The Ravens have traditionally featured a ferocious defense, decent special teams and an offense just good enough to win close games. The Ravens are now an offensive juggernaut. Discount QB Lamar Jackson’s poor in the playoff game against the Chargers who lined up 7 defensive backs at times. LJ is a better passer than anyone knows right now and his legs will keep defenses honest. The additions of RB Mark Ingraham and rookie Justice Hill (Red’s pick for All Rookie Team) will add to a triple headed rushing monster for the Ravens. The Ravens ran more than any team last season and that clock-eating offense only helps what is still a very good defense – now shored up with Earl Thomas. Baltimore shocks a lot of folks going 12-4.
Cleveland Browns – The Browns were Red’s off the dung heap pick to make the playoffs last season and they almost pulled it off despite blowing at least 3 winnable games with questionable play calling and clock management. New Head (and former interim) Coach Freddie Kitchens won’t be making those same mistakes. He has lots of talent to work with in Baker Mayfield, OBJ and Nick Chubb and a decent O-line. Browns are 3-3 before their week 7 bye. They turn season around by beating Pats in Foxboro in week 8. A bit of a sugar high, but they hold on against the Broncos and Bills to be 6-3 and facing the easier part of their schedule. Cleveland is 10-6 and in as a Wild Card.
Cincinnati Bengals – Will not be as bad as expected. But won’t be very good either. They have an easy schedule but not easy enough. Cincinnati is 6-10 and continues league worst streak for lack of playoff wins.
Pittsburgh Stealers – The window is closed. Ben is tired and old and his main weapons are gone. JuJu will still be spectacular but it won’t be enough. The pathetic defense of last season did not get any better (15 takeaways in a division filled with turnover machines). They get drubbed by the Pats in week 1 and it is downhill from there. Pittsburgh brings up the rear at 5-11.