This week’s NFL Prediction Six-Pack

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.”

Frank Zappa

Many a war could have been won by simply dropping beer on the enemy’s troops.

Last week 2-4. For the season 13-17.  This is my week, for sure.

Your Budweiser Sucks and So Does the Local Team Pick of the Week

49ers over Rams. 49ers will be tough at home coming off of the bye week.  Meanwhile, the Rams are coming off a tour of duty as punching bag for the Chiefs who drubbed them 34-7.  So much for my short-lived Austin Davis mancrush.  Jeff Fischer (notorious for having an enormous stick up his butt) has a knack for getting the least amount possible out of his available talent pool. San Francisco 35 St. Louis.10.

Your Beer Pong Pick of the Week.

Cardinals over Cowboys. The two best teams in the NFC line up this week.  This would be the game of the week but for the Broncos-Patriots game. The Cowboys really need to take advantage of this week at home.  After Sunday, they play just 2 more games in the friendly confines of the PissDome.  But if you haven’t noticed, the Cardinals are matching the Boys win for win.  Last week I wondered if this season was worth the price of Jerry Jones’ soul – because that was the only explanation for what was going on in North Texas.  But the Colt McCoy and the OTNA’s came to town.  I suppose even the Devil gets his due once in a while. The Devil doubles down in the desert this week. Arizona 25 Arlington, TX 21.

Your Nuclear Bomb Pick of the Week.

Eagles over Texans. Okay the Texans staggered back to life against the undead Titans on Sunday.  If only they could play such cannon fodder every week they might have a chance.  So far the Texans are playing to form – beating the NFL equivalent of the walking dead and losing close games to any team with an actual pulse.  Yet, the remarkably mediocre Giants are the only team to have put a true ass-whippin’ on the Texans.  The Eagles are having a similar experience having only beaten one good team in the Colts and feasting on the little sisters of the poor.  They are licking their chops when looking at the Texans.  Since I will be in attendance at this one, I really hope I am wrong, but I don’t see the Texans defense containing the Eagles multi-faceted attack or being able to score the 36 necessary to beat the Eagles. Philadelphia 35 Houston 25.

Your In Heaven There is no Beer Pick of the Week.

Stealers over Ravens.  All of a sudden this looks like a remarkably watchable matchup of 5-3 teams fighting for the division lead over the struggling Bengals.  Big Ben was beyond marvelous last week.  Flacco Joe is having his moments too under Kubiak’s offense.  Justin Forsette is playing better than Ray Rice would have.  And Le’Veon Bell looks like the real deal.  Why am I picking so many hard games to call this week?  Perhaps because I suck at the easy ones. Pittsburgh 29 Baltimore 27.

Your Sam Adams Was A Lousy Coach Pick of the Week.

Broncos over Patriots. A clear favorite for game of the week – which typically means it will suck.  Not this time.  Patriots are fresh off of dropping 51 points on the Bears’ defense.  Broncos were clearly slackers in only whipping the Chargers by 14.  This might be the last regular season meeting of the two future Hall of Fame QB’s who have defined football for the last 15 years.  Who has the bigger legacy – Tom with his 3 rings and 2 defeats in the SB or Peyton with his individual record setting but only 1 ring and 1 loss in the big one.  That’s as tough a call as this game.   I might even try to watch this one.  Lucky viewers on the west coast will get the Raider-Seahawks debacle instead. It’s a big number at 55, but I still think the bet of the week is to take the over here. Denver 42 New England 33.

Your Beer Shits Pick of the Week.

Vikings over OTNA’s. I like Teddy Bridgewater.  I wish he was a Texan.  I also like RG3, but I don’t wish he was a Texan.  Bridgewater’s Vikings are operating under the “Score 14 Points and Beat the Vikings” Rule. Meanwhile, the OTNA’s are suddenly not desperate at QB with Colt McCoy having a fairly remarkable turn as the spot starter.  Anyhow, RG3 can’t stay on the field and he isn’t that good when he does.  I seem to have been very wrong about him.  Am I also wrong about Teddy?  With the presence of Colt and Teddy – this week is the all-too-rare actually watchable Shit Bowl game of the year.  Nonetheless, standard protocol requires me to warn viewers to put away their handguns lest there be an “incident” while watching this turgid turd tussle. Minnesota 17 Landover, Md. 13.