Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Fortunate Son Writes – Red Translates

Red is taking a break from translating the intense presidential gibberish flooding the airwaves right now. Even Red has a breaking point. But fear not, Red is tackling the multi-generational tripe flowing from the campaign to re-elect the Reality TV Show Joke of a President. It’s Junior’s turn in the spotlight!

Red,

Do you want to go to one of my father’s (Please love me Daddy) upcoming Make America Great Again Rallies (aka Superspreader Events)?

He’s going to host one lucky supporter (or unlucky as the case may be) as his VIP GUEST (or super-sucker), and he specifically asked me to reach out to YOU (Yes, that’s right the President ignored the crucial business of trying to control the “China Virus” and the staggering economy to say, “Hey Jr., find out if we can suck some money out of Red’s wallet since we have squandered a billion bucks and are really desperate”).

My father has always said his favorite part of being President is meeting REAL American Patriots, like Joe from Texas (Well, next to scarfing up federal dollars at his hotels and golf courses, getting foreign agents to bribe him by doing the same, abusing the power of his office to try and indict his opponents, blabbing on Fox and Friends, and insulting anyone who tries to check his grab for unlimited power. Believe me after that meeting you is first on the list). He’s excited to host you at an EPIC Rally (estimated COVID cases more than 1000 and at least 25 deaths), so don’t wait to enter to win this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (that’s right you only get one chance to die supporting your president).

100 more Patriots (Trumpians) can enter today before we hit our goal (Daddy won’t love me if we miss. I’m really begging you here). Will you be one of them (please, please, please)?

Remember, if you win, we’ll cover your flight and hotel (but not your medical bills), we’ll give you VIP ACCESS to a rally (after you are stripped and sanitized and covered in Saran Wrap), AND you’ll get to bring a guest of your choice (Is there anyone you’ve been wanting to kill off? Now is your chance). You’ll even get to take a photo (photo shopped of course) with President Trump so you can remember it forever (which may be about a week depending on your overall health).

My father will be reviewing the list of entrants (Kool-Aid drinkers) tomorrow morning – will your name be on his list (or will I have to send a Proud Boy to your home)?

Thank you,

Donald Trump Jr.

Red’s NFL Roundup – Week 6

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks since Red last checked in. Multiple games had to be rescheduled because of COVID-19 infections. Dak Prescott is out for the season. Bill O’Brien has been cast aside. The Patriots are reeling and the Bears are rising. Red has more:

Red’s NFL Top Ten

  1. Pittsburgh Stealers. Red is a bit surprised, but not shocked that the Stealers have moved to the top of the heap in the AFC. Red pretty much had the Chiefs permanently parked in this spot. Everything is clicking for the Stealers. But can they hang on to No.1 after a tough road game coming up in Nashville?
  2. Seattle Seahawks. Playing in the toughest division in the NFL and dominating the weaker sisters so far. Aha, you say – they have yet to begin division play. That is correct and the Seabirds will face their first true test against the Cardinals who are looking very real.
  3. Kansas City Chiefs. They dispatched what Red thought would be their No. 1 rival in the AFC in beating the Bills handily on Monday afternoon (Yes. Monday afternoon). The loss the the Raiders notwithstanding, Red still thinks at the end of the season, the Chiefs are the team to beat in the AFC. The game with Tampa Bay after Thanksgiving is looming as a stretch drive show down.
  4. Tennessee Titans. The Titans will displace the Stealers from the heap top with a win this week. Derrick Henry is unstoppable, A.J. Brown is shaking off early season sophomore slump and Ryan Tannehill is proving to be more than serviceable. The defense is questionable. Red is calling it now Titans take control with win over Stealers.
  5. Baltimore Ravens. That makes 4 of the top 5 AFC franchises. They hit the bye week at a good time having feasted on weaklings and getting waxed by the Chiefs. The next 5 weeks after that will tell if the Ravens are for real. They play Stealers twice, the Titans, the unpredictable Colts and the still dangerous Patriots. 3-2 might be good against that lineup.
  6. Chicago Bears. Who’d have thunk it? But don’t get too excited. The Bears have only one quality win over the Buccaneers. See below.
  7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It’s not so much the Tom Brady show as the fearsome Tampa defense that has the Buccaneers this high in Red’s rankings. A weak schedule favors their chances.
  8. Buffalo Bills. Bills are hanging in there despite dispiriting back-to-back losses to the Titans and Chiefs. They have an off week against the Jets and then will trounce the Patriots before the make or break point of the season with games against the Seahawks and Cardinals.
  9. Arizona Cardinals. Red is still a believer. Teams are doubling up D. Hopkins and paying the price. Kyler M. is rounding to form and the defense aint half bad either. Do they have a chance against the Seahawks. Hell yes.
  10. Indianapolis Colts. Showing signs of life, the Colts eke out the Saints, Rams and Browns for No. 10 on Red’s list.

The Bottom Feeders

  1. New Jersey Jets. Sad in every possible way.
  2. Houston Texans. Sad but showing signs of life under new management. They should have beat the Titans. They should have fired Bill O the Clown a long time ago too. A friend of Red’s observed that the Texans don’t rebuild, they collapse. See 2006 and 2013 seasons. At least they are keeping on their 7 year cycle. The only interesting question is – Will they trade JJ Watt to make up for the empty draft cupboard and give him a shot at playing for a contender?
  3. Dallas Cowboys. Aren’t the brilliant schedulers happy that they put this team up for 12 prime time and national TV appearances? That alone could affect the NFL’s overall ratings as even die-hard Cowboys haters aren’t going to be interested in this train wreck much longer. A sad end of the line for the Red RIfle.
  4. Washington Football Team. What else is new?
  5. Cincinnati Bengals. They might want the Red Rifle back after blowing a 21-0 lead against the Colts.

Teams to Watch

Red still has his eye on the Saints, Rams and Packers in the NFC. There is still a lot of talent in New Orleans and the Packers can’t be counted out just yet. The Rams are a bit of a mystery.

In the AFC, the Browns and Raiders are potential playoff teams.

Vote Early – Red and Family Did!

Red, Mrs. Red and Red Jr. all voted on Friday. For the first time in his life, Red would have voted straight party for all Democratic candidates. But as you are probably aware, the Texas Republicans killed off that option once they thought it not longer benefitted them. So Red went down the ballot and voted for every race except one where even the Democrat did not deserve his vote. Red is fair-minded after all.

Red was forced to vote against 2-3 Republican judges that he thinks have actually done a pretty good job. Red is sorry, but at this point if you are still clinging to the Trumpian Party (f/k/a the GOP), Red has no sympathy for you going down with the ship – if that is what is to be. If you haven’t stood up and called out the insanity that pervades this administration, you do not deserve to be elected dogcatcher. Would that we still elected dogcatchers- a job that Ted Cruz and John Cornyn might actually be qualified for!

So if you are inclined in the only proper direction – which is to vote out the Reality TV Show Joke of a President and his sycophantic cohorts then GO VOTE. If you are on the fence, do us all a favor and STAY HOME. If you are voting for Trump, may God have mercy on your soul. Red will pray for you because you need help.

Katy Bar the Door – Trump Begs – Red Translates

The Trump campaign’s naked desperation is cutting closer to home. The latest missive from the Reality TV Show Joke of a President directed to Red is focused on the horrors that will befall Texas should Joe Biden be elected. But most curiously, Trump is asking Red to get his mail ballot – you know, the one that is rife with the potential for fraud. As usual, Red decodes the meaning.

Red,

There’s no time to waste (I need to get back to watching Hannity) . This is your LAST opportunity to stand with President Trump in defense of Texas (it’s like the fucking Alamo, man). The deadline to mail in your ballot request application is quickly approaching in Texas (fraud be damned if you’re voting for me). Request your Ballot NOW!

Joe Biden and his band of Democrat cronies (Commies) would DESTROY Texas with their Radical Socialist agenda (there will actually be a giant gap in the map surrounded by New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana and Mexico, but on the plus side it will cut down on the miles of border wall needed). The reality (irony is lost on me)? In a Biden Presidency, Texas will see jobs lost, taxes increased, and safety defunded (and roving gangs of Negro youths). The choice is clear. Joe Biden would be a DISASTER owned by the Radical Left (much worse than me being owned by Putin and the Russian Mob).

President Trump and Republicans across Texas are relying on you to Request your Ballot ahead of the approaching deadline. Can they count on you? Request your Ballot today (request two if you think you can get away with it)!

DEFEND TEXAS FROM THE RADICAL DEMOCRATS. REQUEST YOUR BALLOT IMMEDIATELY. >>

Ballot Request Status 

Red F. Texas
REQUEST NOW >> Make no mistake (well, no mistake bigger than electing me as President in the first place): Joe Biden is the MOST Progressive (what a dirty word) candidate in our Country’s history (He makes Eugene Debs look like Ross Perot). He WILL raise your taxes by 4 trillion dollars (I love made-up numbers – ask any of my bankers or the IRS), grant mass amnesty to 11 million illegal aliens (the brown ones anyway), and pack our Supreme Court with Radical Liberal Justices (as opposed to the Federalist Society automatons that I have installed).

YOU are Texas’s greatest line of defense against Biden’s radical agenda (that and your AK-47 after I lose). Fight back (detailed instructions to follow in the event of my defeat) and Request a Ballot ahead of Texas’s deadline (because my voters are true and honest and Democrats are lying, thieving, leftist scum).

President Donald Trump

NFL at the Quarter Pole

Red is posting a bit early as there are two games tonight that will affect his ratings, but Red is pressing on because who knows what tomorrow may bring.

Red’s Top Ten NFL Teams

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Is there really any argument here. Red expects the Chiefs to beat a Cam Newtonless Patriots outfit tonight. Assuming an average performance, the Chiefs will be near the top in points scored and near the bottom in points allowed. Plus they have made in through without significant injuries.
  2. Seattle Seahawks. They just keep on winning and Russell Wilson wants that MVP trophy on his mantle.
  3. Buffalo Bills. Red welcomes all the latecomers to the Bills bandwagon. Josh Allen is getting serious consideration as an elite QB.
  4. Baltimore Ravens. The Blackbirds would be rated higher but for their pathetic performance against the Chiefs. They will be in good company there by season’s end.
  5. Pittsburgh Stealers. Year in, year out always competitive – except when they aren’t.
  6. Green Bay Packers. So far the smoke machine is pumping out thick dense clouds and the mirrors have been brilliantly polished. Red is skeptical but can’t ignore the results.
  7. Tennessee Titans. A nice run so far, but we will see how the schedule change and the virulent locker room affect a team that could go either way.
  8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. An easy schedule keeps this team in it all the way. Some old dude playing quarterback may help as well.
  9. Indianapolis Colts. Put Red down in the “Surprised” column. Very close to qualifying for the “Astonished” column.
  10. Los Angeles Rams. A tough call between the Rams and the Bears. The Rams have feasted on the decaying corpses of the NFC East. The Bears have three wins over the scrubs of three different divisions. The Rams win the coin toss.

The Bottom Feeders.

  1. The NFC East. Eagles, Cowboys, Giants and Football Team. This division is 3-12-1 collectively through 16 total games. The teams have won exactly 2 games against non-division opponents including the Cowboys miraculous win against the Falcons and the Eagles possibly righting the ship yesterday with a nice win against a still respectable 49ers squad. Someone has to win this division and maybe, just maybe, Red’s dream of a 6-10 team making the playoffs will finally come true.
  2. Houston Texans. The only question seems to be – When will Bill O’ the Clown be fired? A team underperforming on all cylinders in every facet of the game. They would be the number one bottom feeder but for the pathetic excuse of a professional football division that is the NFC East.
  3. New Jersey Jets. This can come as no surprise.
  4. Atlanta Falcons. What is wrong with this team?
  5. Jacksonville Jaguars. Red has seen teams suck before but they are the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. With apologies to Homer Simpson.
  6. Miami Dolphins. Sadness reigns in S. Florida.

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – Playoffs

Red is going all in on the Chiefs to repeat as NFL Champions. Here is the breakdown

AFC Division Champs – 

Chiefs (a tough choice Red knows)

Ravens (another tough one),

Bills (as previously noted it is spineless and weak to pick the Patriots every year – but also a winning strategy)

Titans (the AFC South wins most pathetic division in NFL yet again)

AFC Wildcards –

Broncos (I think Elway has finally found a QB after a long meandering walk in the woods)

Raiders (Vegas Baby Vegas)

Patriots (why not?)

NFC Division Champs –

Eagles (already looking questionable)

Saints (not questionable)

Packers (by default)

Cardinals (every season one team rises from the dead)

NFC Wildcards –

Seahawks (unfortunately still good)

Falcons (I must be insane)

49ers (eke into the last spot because the NFC sucks)

Division Championships

Chiefs and Ravens –  Chiefs win in a thriller

Saints and Seahawks – Saints get revenge

NFL Championship

Chiefs repeat 

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – AFC West

Last but certainly not least.

Kansas City Chiefs

Everything’s up to date in Kansas City – especially the Chiefs offense. Whiz! Bang! Boom! Defensive coordinators everywhere start thinking about that next career defusing explosives on the bomb squad as a restful alternative to playing against the Chiefs. The Chiefs seemingly don’t score more than 40 points every game only because they don’t want to. Somewhere Jack Pardee is wondering why he missed this era of professional football and couldn’t break through with his “Run and Shoot” scheme back in the day. Sorry Jack. It is almost sinful that the Chiefs secured the likely offensive rookie of the year with the 32nd pick in the draft when they wisely scooped up Clyde Edwards-Helaire. With him, Sammy Watkins, Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce, et al. the Chiefs offensive can score from anywhere on the field. The Chiefs’ schedule is no walk in the park, but with an improved defense they probably only need to score 28 per game to dispatch most opponents. Oh, and Red probably should mention a guy named Mahomes. Chiefs managed to stumble a few times but still finish 13-3.

Denver Broncos

Drew Lock convinced Red that he was the real enough deal when watching him dismantle the Texans in Houston late last season. It has been a long dry spell for the Broncos since P. Manning retired – culminating in the Flacco Joe debacle. Now that he may finally have his man, John Elway is going to give Lock the tools to succeed.  The team took receivers Jerry Jeudy and KJ Hamler and tight end Albert Okwuegbunam in the draft for an immediate upgrade. Melvin Gordon and Phillip Lindsay are a serviceable tandem in the backfield. Von Miller still leads an above average defense. The Broncos are going to surprise a lot of folks. Denver is 10-6 and in as a wild card.

Las Vegas Raiders

Red will have to get used to that one. The new swanky location lifts the team spirits and opposing teams will be a bit discombobulated coming into the not so high desert (elevation approx. 2030 feet which makes it the second highest franchise in the league). Red is being contrarian here but for some reason he thinks what happens in Vegas, will not stay in Vegas and the Raiders are headed for the last wild card spot at 9-7.

Los Angeles?? Chargers

This team has burned Red over and over again. Not this year baby. LA goes 4-12.

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – AFC East

Buffalo Bills

Bills have a legitimate shot at 4-0 start before facing Titans and Chiefs in weeks 4 and 5. If they do that and split the next two, they have a legitimate shot at keeping the Patriots from a 12th straight division title. The Bills may have the best secondary in the AFC with All-Pro cornerback Tre’Davious White and excellent safeties Micah Hyde and Jordan Poyer. The front seven are good too. The defensive line is deep and the Bills do not have to drop into nickel and dime packages near as often as other defenses because Tremaine Edmunds and Matt Milano can cover tight ends, running backs and wide outs as needed. Some are touting QB Josh Allen as a potential MVP candidate playing behind a good but not great O line and tossing it around to Stefon Diggs and John Brown. The running game may be questionable as will be some decisions by Allen, but if the Bills get out of the box hot, watch out. This team should have beat the Texans and moved on to the second round of the playoffs last season but they came out about as flat as any team could. Red is going all in on the Bills to win the AFC East at 12-4.

New England Patriots

Every year Red writes that it is spineless and weak to pick the Patriots to win the AFC East and then goes on to pick the Patriots to win the AFC East. That has been a winning if cynical strategy. Red will regret this. There is a reason that the Pats have won the AFC every year but two since the realignment after the 2001 season. That reason is the best head coach in all of football if not all of professional sport. Yes, Tom Brady was the steady rock upon which BB anchored his ketch (does that make sense?). Now TB has gone on to warmer pastures before being put out to pasture. They are both desperate to disengage their legacies from each other. BB is going to win this one. If TB had moved on 4 or 5 years ago he would have had a shot, but not at age 43. BB can continue to coach forever as he is too mean to die. If anyone can get the most out of Cam Newton and cast of mediocre offensive weapons it is BB. Cam cannot run 15 times a game. But 5 may be enough to keep defenses honest. And the Pats defense is always and has always been about 60% of the reason for the Patriots dynasty. That unit is still largely intact. Patriots are good but not quite good enough to win the East. A wild card spot awaits at 11-5.

New Jersey Jets

The smart money is on the Jets sucking in 2020. Red has only dumb money. The Jets went on a 6-2 tear to close out 2019 with Darn old Sam Darnold looking like a reasonably competent NFL quarterback even while running for his life. This season will be different as the Jets have committed to talent up front. They selected a potential franchise left tackle in Mekhi Becton with the 11th overall pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, picked up another offensive lineman Cameron Clark in the fourth round and signed center Connor McGovern and guard Greg Van Roten as free agents. Darnold should have time to throw if he can find an open receiver. If not there is the tired old combination of LeVeon Bell and Frank Gore in the backfield. And for their trouble, the Jets were rewarded with a tough schedule playing the Patriots and BIlls twice of course along with Seahawks, Chiefs, Cardinals and 49ers. If they aren’t stick a fork in them done yet – back to back trips in weeks 14 and 15 to Seattle and LA should finish the Jets off. Wait til next year. Jets are a respectable 7-9 or possibly 8-8 given the tough hand dealt them.

Miami Dolphins

Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Ryan Fitzpatrick walk into a bar. The bartender asks for an ID. Brady says, I’m Tom Brady, the GOAT, screw you. Brees says, nobody in New Orleans ever asks me for an ID, I’m Drew Brees. Fitzpatrick pulls out six different driver’s licenses. The bartender says “That’s an impressive collection, what’s the matter can’t you hold down a job?” Okay, there’s a better joke in there somewhere. The big joke this season will be the Dolphins. Hopefully, the powers that be in S. Florida recognize this and don’t rush Tua Tagovailoa into action. Miami is 4-12. .

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – AFC North

Remind Red who is actually in this division?

Baltimore Ravens

It’s a mystery why the Ravens are in the AFC North and the Bills are in the AFC East, but then again several divisions make little sense in that regard. As an initial matter Red asks, if not the Ravens – who would you pick to win this division? The Bengals? LOL funny. The Browns? Cue Jim Nabors singing the Impossible Dream from Man of LaMancha. The Stealers? Here we are at least in the area of remote possibility. The Ravens are the Nabobs of the North. Led by MVP Lamar Jackson who has 3-4 capable RBs at his disposal, and excellent TE and a corps of serviceable WRs, the Ravens offense will simply overwhelm much of the competition by averaging 35 points per game. Jackson does need to run less than his 190 some carries last season. There are other guys. In fact the Ravens run offense gained more yards than all but five pass offenses in 2019. Combine that powerhouse with what may be the easiest schedule in the league for any returning division champion in facing the pathetic excuses for a professional football division that are the AFC South and NFC East, the Birds look capable of a spectacular season. Red has the marked for potential losses only against the Chiefs, Patriots, Titans and Stealers on the road. If they go 2-2 there, then a 14-2 season is not out of the question. Can you say AFC North Champs.

Pittsburgh Stealers

The Stealers are good, but they are not in the same class with the Chiefs and Ravens, and probably are not as good as the Bills and Titans. Of course, the Stealers play an even easier schedule than the Ravens in not having to play the Chiefs or Patriots and that will help – just not enough. Hey, the Stealers defense is good as always and T.J. Watt may have a shot at Defensive MVP. The offense line is still anchored by Pouncey but the offensive weapons just do not seem to be there. The Stealers will win a bunch of games by scoring 17 points but not enough games. Pittsburgh goes 8-8 and out the door.

The Browns

Always a sexy underdog, downtrodden, homeless alcoholic guy kind of pick, but Red is not getting fooled this year. It was fool me twice last season and Red is not going down for the third time with the Browns schooner. This team just should not suck as much as it does. But alas, there we are. Now that the OTNAs are history, maybe good folks in Cleveland can give up the legacy of the late great Paul Brown and get a name that does not evoke the grosser bodily functions. Bring on the Cleveland Presidents. Red will give the Browns a break and have them also at 8-8.

Cinncinatti Bengals

Long-suffering Bengals fans are hopeful that Joe Burrow can turn this thing around. Red sees that as a distinct possibility but not this year. Cinncinatti goes 2-14.

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – AFC South

Okay, from here on out this is cheating a bit because Week 1 is almost in the books, but here goes anyway.

Tennesee Titans

Tennesee’s surprising run to the AFC Championship game last season was remarkable. After back-dooring into the playoffs with a win in Houston against a Texans team that was resting a bunch of starters and having lost the previous two games, the Titans went on a tear. With Derrick Henry being all but unstoppable and Rookie A J Brown looking like a future hall-of-famer and Ryan Tannehill all of the sudden looking like a professional football quarterback, the Titans dispatched the Patriots (first win in Foxboro since 1993) and the Ravens (again on the road) before going out with a respectable (they were up by 10 at one point) effort against the Chiefs. Some expect AJB to have a sophomore slump and Henry to show signs of overuse. Not Red. Henry is an amazing athlete and Brown will be a top 10 receiver. The defense is more than solid and will finish as a top-5 run defense in 2020. The only big question mark is whether Tannehill will continue to perform at the next level. It will be a step down, but the Titans have the goods to win it all in this most pathetic excuse for a professional football division. Tennessee at 11-5.

Jacksonville Jaguars

This is really cheating. Jacksonville’s young talent was showcased yesterday. They will not be great at anything, but mere competence will make you competitive in this division.  It is hard to remember that this team was in the AFC Championship Game a mere three years ago, but is now in a complete rebuild. Maybe this is a good season for that. Questions abound. Is Gardner Minshew actually a franchise quarterback or just good enough to not lose games for you? Does Doug Marrone know what he is doing? Will DJ Chark be a top WR? Who is going to run the ball? Red doesn’t have the answers. But he thinks that enough pieces fall into place for a 7-9 campaign.

Houston Texans.

What have the Texans done right lately? Dumping DeAndre Hopkins (arguably the second best receiver in the game) for oft-injured one season wonder David Johnson. Paying absurd amounts to good players. Refusing to upgrade talent in the depleted secondary. Running outdated defensive schemes. Thinking they can win on the arm and legs of DeShaun Watson alone. Facing down a brutal opening stretch that could ruin the season. The reports on S. Main are not good. The Texans are routinely looked at as a laughing-stock of the league. Red is chuckling. Texans go 6-10 and finally show Bill O’ the Clown the door.

Indianapolis Colts

Tired old Phillip Rivers shows that he is tired and old. He will beat the Texans twice simply because T Y Hilton refuses to lose to that team. They bring up the rear at 5-11 to grab the worst division in the NFL crown.