Parity has not been the NFL’s strong suit this year. The top teams are pretty clearly separated from the pretenders, the also rans and the pathetic – with lots more pathetic than usual.

1. Kansas City Chiefs – Rolling, rolling, rolling.
2. Philadelphia Eagles – Jalen Hurts – MVP, MVP, MVP.
3. Buffalo Bills – The road to the Superb Owl still leads through KC.
4. Miami Dolphins – Tua looking like second coming of Dan Marino.
5. Minnesota Vikings – Will the bed-shitting against the Cowboys matter at playoff time?
6. Dallas Cowboys – Primed for the annual December swoon?
7. Baltimore Ravens – Will be dangerous if they figure out how to close out games.
8. Cincinnati Bengals – Impressive take down of Titans
9. Tennessee Titans – Move aside for Mr. Henry – or get run over – your choice unless wearing Bengals uniform.
10. San Francisco 49ers – Still getting lots of buzz. Red wonders?
11. Washington Commanders – Odds on favorite for biggest surprise of 2022.
12. Seattle Seahawks – Not headed in the right direction. Defense has fallen apart.
13. New York Jets – The “Mike White Era” begins with a bang.
14. Los Angeles Chargers – A few more wins – an early playoff exit.
15. New England Patriots – More down than up, but still dangerous.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Red’s dream of a 6-10 making the playoffs died with the addition of game 17. He still holds out hope for 7-10.
17. New York Giants – The third best team in New York.
18. Atlanta Falcons – One goal pick away from a better rating.
19. Indianapolis Colts – A season in disarray.
20. Arizona Cardinals – Is Kingsbury packing his bags yet?
21. Detroit Lions – Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Didn’t.
22. Jacksonville Jaguars – Wait til next year!
23. Pittsburgh Stealers – Wait til 2025.
24. New Orleans Saints – Still the best fans, not a very good team.
25. Las Vegas Raiders – Some people are high on the Raiders after two consecutive OT wins. Of course, some people are high.
26. Carolina Panthers – Does Red really need to comment on this team?
27. Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers to the Rams?
28. Cleveland Browns – If Lovie Smith doesn’t rush 7 or 8 on every play against D. Watson he needs to go.
29. Chicago Bears – We have probably seen the last of Justin Fields this season. And who doesn’t want to watch some Trevor Semien highlights?
30. Denver Broncos – Murphy’s Law in action.
31. Houston Texans – Red predicts win over Browns.
32. Los Angeles Rams – Red giving the Texans a break this week.

If you need an explanation, Red pities you.

Red failed to note last week that Jeff Saturday was the first NFL Head Coach to win his debut without ever having coached at the collegiate or professional level (NFL or CFL) since the immortal Norm Van Brocklin was hired by the Minnesota Vikings in 1961. The Dutchman also won his debut. Hats off to Saturday, but the celebration in Indianapolis did not last very long.

1. Kansas City Chiefs – The Andy Reid Show starring Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce was back on the air this week. A hit with the viewers outside of So Cal.
2. Philadelphia Eagles – Losing the coin toss for the No. 1 spot this week. C’mon Eagles.
3. Miami Dolphins – VirTUAlly a lock for the playoffs right now.
4. Tennessee Titans – Count them out at your peril – as long as Mr. Henry is on the field.
5. Baltimore Ravens – Unimpressive against the Panthers, but they keep on winning after rocky start.
6. Buffalo Bills – A much needed course correction may be in process, but the surging Lions will be a challenge on Turkey Day.
7. Dallas Cowboys – What a freaking beatdown of the Vikings.
8. Minnesota Vikings – What a freaking beatdown by the Cowboys.
9. Seattle Seahawks – Still in the MixMaster – surprisingly.
10. New York Giants – Could be staggering around looking for a place to fall down.
11. New England Patriots – You cannot count them out – but the Pats have 5 likely playoff teams left on the schedule.
12. Cincinnati Bengals – Seeking redemption is going to be hard with the Titans, Chiefs, Bucs, Patriots, Bills and Ravens still on the schedule.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 5-5 record gets you first place in the sad sack of misery that is the NFC South.
14. San Francisco 49ers – The Niners offense is good enough to win a lot of games. Four winnable games left on the schedule.
15. New York Jets – Jets may find a place to fall right next to the Giants. Sad times in the Big Apple after a promising start.
16. Washington Commanders – On the frothy bubble of the playoffs with Heineke in command (pun intended).
17. Los Angeles Chargers – Continuing to find ways to lose winnable games.
18. Atlanta Falcons – Marcus Mariota hanging in there despite the criticism. Falcons may have played more close games than any other team so far this season.
19. Detroit Lions – Can Red’s 2022 Team of Destiny finally win a Thanksgiving Day game again after losing 5 straight (they lost 8 straight from 2004 -11). Bills are a tall order.
20. Indianapolis Colts – Saturday bombed on Sunday.
21. Arizona Cardinals – Red has to rank them somewhere. Your guess is as good as his.
22. Green Bay Packers – It will be a long, cold Wisconsin winter.
23. New Orleans Saints – Rusty Rifle throws 3 TDs. Arm is somehow still attached to shoulder.
24. Las Vegas Raiders – Signs of life have been detected in the desert.
25. Cleveland Browns – Jacoby Brisett doing the best he can – will be rewarded somewhere.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Somewhere someone cares what happens to the Jags. Maybe in the East End.
27. Denver Broncos – The line is flat. Very flat.
28. Pittsburgh Stealers – The vaunted defense keeps getting shredded.
29. Carolina Panthers – If you can’t say anything nice . . .
30. Chicago Bears – Should not be this bad.
31. Los Angeles Rams – Red hears that Hawaii is nice in January.
32. Houston Texans – No. 1 pick next season almost locked up. Don’t screw it up.

After an extended trip to our friendly neighbors across the North Atlantic (where is discovered something called the European League of American Football or something to that effect (Red’s new favorite team is the Berlin Thunder just because Berlin teams suck so badly in the Bundesleague) Red is ready to get back in the game.

1. Minnesota Vikings – The typical Vikings game is get big lead, blow it, get lead back, blow it, win on last drive. Can this keep up?
2. Philadelphia Eagles – Red pledged to rank them No. 1 until defeated. But defeated by the Commanders – by double digits? That’s like a double loss.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – They just keep finding ways to win with different players every week.
4. Miami Dolphins – Sights are now set on the AFC Championship. But see KC Chiefs.
5. New York Giants – Daniel Jones doubters are having second thoughts.
6. Baltimore Ravens – Lamar Jackson seems unstoppable at times.
7. Buffalo Bills – Josh Allen cannot continue to be a turnover machine as he was in loss to Vikings.
8. Tennessee Titans – Even a slightly pathetic passing attack is enough to win as long as Derrick Henry is on the field.
9. San Francisco 49ers – Screw the Garrapolo haters. He is the best thing to happen to the Niners in quite a while.
10. New York Jets – You can’t lose much ground if you don’t play.
11. New York Giants – You play the Texans. You beat the Texans, or else Red punishes you.
12. Dallas Cowboys – Crushing loss to the reeling Packers could spell the end for Dak P.
13. Cincinnati Bengals – A good time for a bye week. Next up – crushing the Stealers.
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tom Brady is wondering if they can play all their games in Bavaria.
15. Seattle Seahawks – Who isn’t happy for Geno Smith? Maybe Broncos fans?
16. New England Patriots – Slowly creeping back towards relevancy. The last wildcard spot may be within reach at this rate.
17. Washington Commanders – Who had the Commanders beating the Eagles? Anyone, anyone, Bueller, anyone?
18. Los Angeles Chargers – Should be better. Aren’t.
19. Arizona Cardinals – Amazingly, not out of it yet after another crappy start to the season. Tired old Colt McCoy not looking either tired or old saves the bacon.
20. Chicago Bears – Topping this week’s list of teams Red wishes would just go away.
21. Detroit Lions – Could a win over the Bears turn this season around for the Lions. Red is going all in on the Lions finishing at 9-8.
22. New Orleans Saints – Who dat? Who cares?
23. Atlanta Falcons – Unfortunately, Marcus Mariota is now sucking.
24. Cleveland Browns – Just let D. Watson sit another season. This one is slipping away.
25. Pittsburgh Stealers – They can beat worse teams. Unfortunately there are a whole lot of them left.
26. Indianapolis Colts – The Reich Reich ends as all riechs must. Long live Jeff Saturday. NFL GM’s now scouring the ranks of high school football coaches.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars – Somehow the Jags have won 3 games. Please explain to Red.
28. Carolina Panthers – They should be ranked lower, but how low can you go?
29. Los Angeles Rams – Red enjoyed typing this.
30. Las Vegas Raiders – Red predicts a Las Vegas team will never win anything. The A’s beware.
31. Denver Broncos – Eeeeew!
32. Houston Texans – The Texans lick the sweat off a dead man’s balls.

Red will be out of pocket for the next couple of weeks, so loyal readers may have to wait until Week 10 to partake from the weekly fountain of wisdom from Paradise in Hell.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles are number one until someone beats them and then maybe even after that.
2. Buffalo Bills – The Bills are probably the best team going. But see the Eagles.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Coming off the bye week they face this generation’s best running back in Derrick Henry – who single-handedly (or footedly) carried the Titans to victory last week.
4. Minnesota Vikings – Continuing to romp through the weakened NFC North. After the Commanders this week, however, things are going to get tougher.
5. Tennessee Titans – Something very strange would have to happen for the Titans to lose the AFC South.
6. Dallas Cowboys – Can they beat the Eagles? Or any good team for that matter?
7. Miami Dolphins – Tua is healthy and impressive. A tough out for any team.
8. Baltimore Ravens – After some stumbles, the Ravens seem pointed in the right direction after dismantling the Buccaneers.
9. Seattle Seahawks – If you had the Seahawks to be on top of the NFC West at this point in the season, please send Red your stock picks.
10. New York Giants – Red chalks up the loss to the Seahawks to the triple-reverse time zone hex, but this team needs to snap back quickly. A bye week and then the Texans and Lions should be a cure for whatever ails you.
11. New York Jets – Still hanging around but could go 3-6 to close the season.
12. New England Patriots – Just when you were ready to call Bellicheat down for the count . .
13. Atlanta Falcons – With a relatively weak remaining schedule a 6-3 finish is not out of the question and neither are the playoffs.
14. Los Angeles Chargers – Unleash Justin Herbert!!!!
15. San Francisco 49ers – If they play like they did against the Rams they could win the NFC West. But they may have to beat the Seahawks twice. Good luck with that.
16. Washington Commanders – This may be is as good as it gets but it’s way better than anyone predicted so far.
17. Cleveland Browns – Nick Chubb saved the season last night. Maybe D. Watson can get them into the playoffs.
18. Cincinnati Bengals – The hardest team to figure in the league right now.
19. New Orleans Saints – Beating up a bad Raiders team is a step in the right direction.
20. Los Angeles Rams – We’ve got trouble, right here in the City of Angels and that starts with T and that rhymes with C and that stands for Superb Owl Curse.
21. Indianapolis Colts – Apparently, Matty Ice was not the problem.
22. Green Bay Packers – Failing in all aspects of the game right now.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Brady looks tired and old but don’t count him out just yet.
24. Denver Broncos – Topping the “Who Gives a Shit” List this week.
25. Chicago Bears – Staying in games for a half isn’t good enough.
26. Arizona Cardinals – Last chance to save the season against the Seahawks this week.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars – Trevor Lawrence, let me introduce you to Mr. David Carr.
28. Pittsburgh Stealers – Ugh!
29. Carolina Panthers – Double Ugh!
30. Las Vegas Raiders – Still the biggest disappointment of the season.
31. Houston Texans – Dameon Pierce is making a case for Offensive Rookie of the Year – a bright spot in another dismal season.
32. Detroit Lions – The Lions have taken their rightful place in the cellar at last.

Red has been down for almost the full count for about 10 days but he is coming back as strong as the Lions’ offense – hopefully, the early season version and not the bottom of the barrel shitshow of the last two weeks. As the season rounds to what used to be the halfway point, the pretenders are getting exposed and the surprises are making a case.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles are a 2nd quarter powerhouse sending dispirited opponents to the locker room at halftime because they have scored 112 second-quarter points in their first 6 games this season – the most points in any quarter in NFL history over that stretch. With upcoming schedule 9-0 is in the headlights.
2. Buffalo BIlls – Spank the Chiefs and then get a week off? Probably needed as the remaining schedule looks much tougher than it did at the beginning of the season with two games against the Jets and the coming alive Patriots.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Patrick Mahomes is still in love with his ability to make difficult throws. The only problem is that those passes are getting regularly picked off as of late. Andy needs to get morning out of the running game and take pressure of his QB.
4. Minnesota Vikings – At 5-1, Red has to put them here. Realistically, there might only be 3-4 more losses on the schedule if the Vikings keep playing like this.
5. New York Giants – Saquon Barkley looks healthy, happy and ready to roll. But the Giants can’t keep falling behind by double digits and have their opponents pull defeat from the jaws of victory.
6. New York Jets – If the Jets beat the Patriots this week, then 11-6 is definitely on the table. That would go a long way towards building confidence that they can at least play with the BIlls.
7. Los Angeles Chargers – The most inconsistent team this season, but with a winning record going to their bye week.
8. Dallas Cowboys – Best rushing offense in the league is offset by the worst passing game and a thoroughly mediocre defense.
9. Cincinnati Bengals – Unleash Ja’marr Chase and good things will happen. Burrow seems to be returning to last season’s form.
10. Baltimore Ravens – Finding new and imaginative ways to lose. The Ravens have already lost three games in which they were up by 10 or more. No team has ever done that more times in one season.
11. Los Angeles Rams – Are the Rams on the precipice of a winning or losing season already? A crumbling offensive line does not bode well for the Rams.
12. San Francisco 49ers – Meanwhile up the road, the Niners defense has been plagued by injuries. Doubtful that the offense can score enough to hold on.
13. Tennessee Titans – There doesn’t seem to be too much in the way of an AFC South crown at this point – especially if they dispatch the Colts on Sunday.
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Red is not one to write off Tom Brady just yet, but at this rate – check back in a couple of weeks.
15. Miami Dolphins – If Tua is the real deal, the Dolphins will be back after big prime time game against the Stealers.
16. Atlanta Falcons – If not for the Jets and Giants, the Falcons might be the surprise come-back team of the year at this point in the season. And Marcus Mariota is looking like come back player of the year.
17. Green Bay Packers – There isn’t much here that doesn’t look pretty ugly right now.
18. New England Patriots – The best of the also-rans with a legitimate shot at the playoffs. Will the smoke and mirrors make it the rest of the way? It’s anybody’s guess.
19. New Orleans Saints – Should be better. Aren’t. The Rusty Rifle needs to go back above the mantel and conclude a sad end to a once promising career.
20. Indianapolis Colts – The Matty Ice experiment is still in the lab after a nice win on Sunday. Is Sam Ehlinger the savior waiting in the wings?
21. Seattle Seahawks -Yep, this is the point where Red is losing interest in having to come up with something. Pete Carroll Lives!!
22. Denver Broncos – Either the best or the worst 2-4 team and it doesn’t make a bit of difference.
23. Chicago Bears – If the Bears give Red a good blizzard game this season he will say nice things about them.
24. Cleveland Browns – Mr. Watson coming back will help but it will be too little too late for this sad sack franchise.
25. Washington Commanders – Are there really 7 teams worse than the Commanders? Apparently so.
26. Arizona Cardinals – How can they be this bad with decent talent?
27. Pittsburgh Stealers – It’s been a long time since the Stealers stunk it up like this.
28. Las Vegas Raiders – Finally able to beat the Texans. Big whoop!
29. Jacksonville Jaguars – Will be better when they move and are rebranded as the London Lords.
30. Houston Texans – Took a step in the right direction after the bye week by showing troublemaker Jack Easterby the door. Davis Mills is not showing that he is the answer on South Main.
31. Detroit Lions – 6 points in two weeks after scoring 140 in the first 4. Utterly inexplicable.
32. Carolina Panthers – Back to the norm after knocking off the Bucs. House cleaning in progress.

Lots of big games and action in Week 6. Let’s get right to it.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles have taken charge in the highly competitive NFC East and the win over the Cowboys was not as close as it looked.
2. Buffalo Bills – After handily dispatching AFC rival Chiefs it looks like all paths to the Superb Owl lead through Orchard Park.
3. Minnesota Vikings – Playing in a weak NFC North probably keeps them in the mix all season long.
4. New York Giants – Second best team in New York continues to roll. Win over the Ravens was impressive.
5. Kansas City Chiefs – Need to reevaluate offensive scheme. Mahomes appears to be overly in love with his ability to make difficult plays which have lately turned into a lot of INTs.
6. New York Jets – The third best team in New York. It’s fun to be a fan in the Empire State.
7. Los Angeles Chargers – Seem to be headed in a better direction winning close games instead of losing them.
8. Baltimore Ravens – Are better than they have shown so far.
9. Tennessee Titans – Weak division helps as the season goes on.
10. Dallas Cowboys – The third best team in the NFC East still gets you in the top ten, but just barely.
11. Cincinnati Bengals – Could go either way. Probably going down.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Making incantations to the war gods while dancing around the flames of what seemed like a Superb Owl contender.
13. Miami Dolphins – Showing just how important the backup QB position really is.
14. San Francisco 49ers – Leading the mediocrity pack this week.
15. Los Angeles Rams – Looking decidedly mediocre in all phases of the game.
16. Green Bay Packers – Hoping to look mediocre in all phases of the game. Not succeeding.
17. Atlanta Falcons – The happiest of the mediocrities.
18. New England Patriots – The mediocrity with the most upside right now.
19. Seattle Seahawks – The worst mediocre team?
20. Indianapolis Colts – Topping the “who gives a shit” list this week.
21. Cleveland Browns – Wasting a great season by Chubb to this point.
22. Denver Broncos – Right where they belong.
23. Pittsburgh Stealers – Time to think about a rebuilding project.
24. Chicago Bears – Always rebuilding, never succeeding.
25. Arizona Cardinals – The Kliff KIngsbury NFL experiment is on life support.
26. New Orleans Saints – Just play Taysom Hill so that we can enjoy the spectacle.
27. Houston Texans – Two wins in a row almost seems possible given the state of the Raiders.
28. Oakland Raiders – A loss to the Texans could move them to the bottom.
29. Washington Commanders – Red likes Carson Wentz but the guy cannot stay on the field.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars – ZZZZZZZZZZZ.
31. Detroit Lions – Red believed. Red was wrong.
32. Carolina Panthers – The house cleaning has just begun.

Recent news that Texas school districts are distributing DNA kits to parents has raised some serious hackles. Our Poor Idiot Governor Greg Abbott signed a law mandating that DNA kits be made available after the slaughter of 19 students and 2 teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde.

Some parents seem strangely dissatisfied with the law passed in spring 2021 requiring the Texas Education Agency to give inkless in-home fingerprint and DNA identification cards to each public school system in Texas. But the GOP seems to be pleased that the lifeless battered corpses of school children will be more easily identified after the inevitable next school massacre. Why bother with proactive measures to reduce gun violence in schools and elsewhere when you can just make it easier to clean up the mess afterwards?

Things have sorted themselves out a bit in Week 5. Week 6 will likely resulting in some more culling of the herd. One think is certain – for now New York fans have something to shout about.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – Red thought the Eagles were good, but not this good. Showdown at home against the Cowboys Sunday night will tell us how good the Eagles really are.
2. Buffalo Bills – Continuing to romp even though the defense has been off a bit – but don’t tell that to the Stealers. The other big showdown of the week against the Chiefs on Sunday.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Doing just enough to win on a consistent basis won’t be good enough against the Bills.
4. New York Giants – Red just looked down and the Giants were 4-1.
5. Minnesota Vikings – Some thought the Vikings were going to be good. Some might have been right.
6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Will always have the Refs in their back pocket.
7. Dallas Cowboys – Mr. Rush continues to win. Is he doing to Dak what Dak did to Tony?
8. San Francisco 49ers – The best in the west.
9. Baltimore Ravens – Have yet to put a complete game together. Watch out when they do.
10. Miami Dolphins – May I speak to Mr. Kaepernick please?
11. Green Bay Packers – Other than that how did you enjoy your trip to London Mr. Rodgers?
12. Tennessee Titans – Winning 3 straight puts them on top in the saddest division in the NFL.
13. Los Angeles Chargers – You never know which Chargers team is going to show up on Sunday or Monday or Thursday or any other day.
14. New York Jets – Those who have the over on Jets W/L have to feel pretty good right now.
15. Los Angeles Rams – Underperforming in all phases of the game.
16. Cincinnati Bengals – One day Red will learn to spell Cincinnati on the first try.
17. Cleveland Browns – The supposedly strong defense can’t stop anyone right now.
18. New England Patriots – Never count them out.
19. Indianapolis Colts – The only .500 team in the league looks to be in trouble.
20. New Orleans Saints – Mr. Hill put on a performance for the ages. If you started him at TE on your fantasy team and didn’t win last week – just give it up.
21. Atlanta Falcons – Not the first or last team playing against Tom Brady to get screwed by the Refs.
22. Seattle Seahawks – An appropriate entry for the beginning of the “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass” section of the rankings.
23. Arizona Cardinals – See picture next to “disappointment” in the dictionary.
24. Houston Texans – If only they could schedule 17 games against the Jaguars.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars – Losing to the Texans – Huh, huh -Wuss!
26. Las Vegas Raiders – Could have beaten the Chiefs. Did not beat the Chiefs.
27. Detroit Lions – How this offense goes from averaging about 35 ppg to getting skunked is something of a mystery.
28. Denver Broncos – Nothing is going right in the Mile High City.
29. Chicago Bears – Ugh!
30. Pittsburgh Stealers – Double Ugh!!
31. Carolina Panthers – Baker gets baked and taken out of the oven under new regime. It makes no difference.
32. Washington Commanders – When Al Michaels calls for your head on national TV you know the end times are near.

The latest missive to hit Red’s inbox is particularly juicy. Read on.

Friend,

We are living in dark and scary times (I’m not dead or in prison yet)…

This is a GIANT Scam (take it from a professional scammer), a SICK continuation of the greatest Witch Hunt in United States history (except of course for the actual Witch Hunts – so a few skanks got burned at the stake – big deal).

The FBI raid of my home was a complete weaponization (or lawful exercise as the case may be) of the Justice Department, FBI, Democrat District Attorneys, and Attorney Generals (everybody hates me, nobody likes me, think I’ll go eat worms). It was controlled by the VERY SAME PEOPLE (those commie bastards) that brought you Russia, Russia, Russia, Mueller, Impeachment Hoax 1, Impeachment Hoax 2, and more (pay no attention to the fact that I repeatedly asked for Russia’s help and got it, tried to extort the leader of another country to help my campaign, and fomented and supported an insurrection to overturn a lawful election – those are mere details).

This is unlike ANYTHING that has ever happened to a former President (because no other President tried to pull off such shit and oops did I just admit I’m not the rightful president), and the American people will not stand for “Weaponization” (my new favorite word) any longer.

Friend, you have been with me since the very beginning, so I am calling on you to PUBLICLY STAND WITH ME (but not too close with your germs and diseases).

Together, Republicans will WIN in November, and we will END these corrupt WITCH HUNTS against YOUR President (there, I corrected myself).

I’m counting on you, Friend (or if you prefer Rube, Sucker, Dupe or Moron). The Democrats don’t want us to win – they want to stay in power and control you (well duh!). WE CAN’T LET THEM (THEY MIGHT PUT ME IN JAIL WHERE I BELONG)!

Please contribute ANY AMOUNT IMMEDIATELY to make a statement that the Left will NEVER take me down (because there is no end to the con that I am running).

Thank you (for being such a fool),

Donald J. Trump
45th President of the United States (Federal Prison ID number yet to be assigned)