Trump Begs, Red Translates

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Friend (or Rube, Sucker, Mark, Pigeon – you choose), 

While I’m on the campaign trail (mostly in the Breakfast Room at M-a-L) I keep hearing voters (the morons who voted for me anyway) say…    “Nothing matters until we have valid elections.” (That is when I tell them to say that). Friend (try a different moniker here – it will make you feel important) – I hear you loud and clear.   That’s why our campaign has launched an initiative to beat the Democrats at their own game of ballot harvesting (also known as winning votes) in the states where it’s still legal (or illegal if need be).   We are now about 48 hours away from the FIRST fundraising deadline with the Federal Election Commission (scum to a man) since we launched our Ballot Harvesting Fund (also known as my Legal Defense Fund).  
  We all saw what happened to Kari Lake in Arizona (lost bigly).   On Election Day, Kari had lines so long they were unbelievable (mostly lines of sorrow in her made-for-TV face) – but people couldn’t vote because a big percentage of the machines in Republican areas were broken (don’t bother looking for the real facts here, just take my word for it)…    Meanwhile, her left-wing opponent (who shall remain nameless) had already “harvested” (won) so many ballots leading up to that point, that she walked away with the election (like one of those shoplifters I see in the videos).   If we want to be competitive with the Democrats (Commies) we have to fight fire with fire (creating a fire so big that it burns down what is left of our democratic traditions, but that’s a price I’m willing to pay if it gets me elected) .   We need to have the infrastructure (goons) in place to start ballot harvesting as soon as early voting begins, and in EVERY state where it’s allowed (which if true you might ask, why am I begging for money?).   We cannot risk having machines malfunction on Election Day (also known as recording votes for my opponent).   43 states have allowed some degree of ballot harvesting (which up until now I have denounced as criminal but you know – if you can’t beat ’em, cheat ’em).   That’s why I’m planning this initiative so far out from the 2024 election. There is NO time to wait (Waiter, waiter where is Egg McMuffin?).   But I need YOU to help lay the groundwork for victory (or failing that line my pockets some more)  
Thank you,
Donald J. Trump
45th President of the United States (and Soon to be Defendant)











 

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