The University of Texas at Austin President Gregory Fenves has issued new rules regarding guns on the 40 Acres that has achieved the near impossible goal of making everyone angry. Peaceniks are upset that guns will be allowed in classrooms and other public areas. Dedicated gun owners are upset over being denied the right to pack heat in their dorm rooms. Red completely sympathizes here. Red can hardly count the times when a simple show of basic firepower might have discouraged freeloading dorm mates who felt entitled to yet another hit on the bong before tackling differential equations. If your average college student can’t protect their weed in their own room then we’re on a slippery slope leading to frat boys invading and carrying off every Tequila bottle that isn’t nailed down.
Then there are the curious exceptions. Concealed handguns will be allowed in dorms’ common areas; people who work in the dorms will be able to carry; and family members visiting the dorms will also be allowed to carry. So when confronting that German student who has charmed away one’s girlfriend with promises of endless strudel and a slightly used 5 Series BMW, the showdown will have to take place in the lounge. You won’t be able to pistol whip the little Hun bastard in his bunk bed anymore. The exception for dorm workers makes more sense to Red. Whining about meatloaf Monday will be considered a dangerous proposition and you won’t dare get caught leaving your food tray on the table. Admonitions to police up after yourself will have a new and sinister meaning. A few rounds fired randomly in the air by Lunch Lady will have the cafeteria sporting tables that you can actually eat off of. As for family members, Red fondly remembers his Dad brandishing his 7mm Ruger in one hand and a bottle of Jack Black in the other to the dismay of the RA calling curfew. Dad liked a good party.
Which brings us to the classrooms – where a free fire zone has been declared. Unhappy with old Professor Fannypack calling on you when you haven’t read the assignment. Perhaps a simple pat on the chest indicative of the relative location of your Smith & Wesson .38 Special will be enough for the old fart to move on to a more prepared and less lethal classmate.
But when visiting your professor in his office beware. Faculty members who don’t share an office with anyone else can ban guns in their specific areas. Aggrieved students will have to employ more subtle forms of influence to raise grades that seem likely to keep them out of the law school of their choice. Red suggests wresting that bottle of Jack Black out of Dad’s hands and bringing it to your next student-teacher conference.
Meanwhile, the privileged few attending private colleges in Texas have no such worries about when and where they will or will not be allowed to strap one on. Every private college that has spoken out so far has made the decision to opt out of campus carry. Watch out for the Germans.