Ted Cruz Complains – Red Translates

Dear Red ,

I’m about to ask you to make a sacrifice (I’m an Old Testament Christian after all) in the next 48 hours. But before I do, I want you to know: I wouldn’t ask you if I hadn’t already done it myself   (If you don’t believe me check out the burned doves and occasional ripped open sheep on my back patio).

Please let me briefly explain.

You see, running for President of the United States is a significant sacrifice (mostly of the opportunity to vote in the Senate – the job I was elected to do). Only through prayer and many late night discussions (I love pillow talk) with my wife, family, and closest friends did I make THE decision (Not that the outcome was ever in doubt).
And I must share with you — I’ve committed to sacrificing a great deal for our campaign:

Time with my family: Spending almost every day on the campaign trail or fighting on the Senate floor (at least once a month) means precious little time spent with my wife, Heidi, (I think that’s her name) and my daughters (I forget their names but damn they’re cute) — the very family that gives me the motivation and drive to fight (well that along with my raging narcissism).

Health and sleep: My runoff campaign for the Senate in 2012 took a toll (I wouldn’t wish my varicose veins on my worst enemy), but now I’m sacrificing even more sleep with long nights and constant travel (which explains some of my bizarre outbursts). And the pizza diet (you know I prefer Canadian bacon) is a staple on the campaign trail.

Finances: the cost of campaigning back and forth across the country for president is increasingly expensive (but paid for with other people’s money), but Heidi and I are willing to invest our livelihoods into this sacrifice (because win or lose a big book deal is coming).

Personal time: You think of this the least, but as a candidate, my days are no longer my own (in fact, they are bought and paid for by the Koch brothers). Days start before dawn and many times don’t end until early the next morning (only the adulation of the crowds keeps me going). There is almost no personal time when you run for president (it takes three aides to help me take a shit).

Red, I’ve chosen to sacrifice part of mine and my families lives (our lives, damn it, our lives – I’m just like Abraham) to run for President (my lifelong dream)— but I think you will agree with me that the sacrifice is well worth it (or maybe not).

 Unless courageous conservatives (and a good number of misled dupes) are willing to make tough sacrifices to stand up and fight, we will not be able to restore America (you know, flood damage from the Obama years and all).

Today, I’m asking you to make a sacrifice —–. Will you join me by making a special, one-time (did I say one time?  Jeez, the staff is going to be pissed off about that one) gift (it’s like Christmas every day at the Cruz headquarters) to my campaign?
I’ve asked my staff to put together these secure links below so you can make an instant and secure sacrificial gift — it can be done in just 5 minutes.

 I CAN SACRIFICE $35 (a dove) TO RESTORE AMERICA >>  I CAN SACRIFICE $100 (a lamb) TO RESTORE AMERICA >> 

 I CAN SACRIFICE $250 (a cow) TO RESTORE AMERICA >> 

 I CAN SACRIFICE $1000 (a bull elephant) TO RESTORE AMERICA >> 

Will you be a courageous conservative and make a special gift today to help restore America? I can only reach this goal with your help.


I wouldn’t ask you if 1f I wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifice myself (I managed to work in sacrifice 15 times – if that doesn’t get the evangelicals all riled up and ready to get out the credit cards – nothing will); and 2) the stakes weren’t so high (later tonight, they are going to drive the stakes through my hands – how’s that for sacrifice).

Red (I used your name 3 times, Red, make that 4, Red, oh shit now it’s 5 – please make me stop)—, time is critical, and if you will, please make this special gift in the next 48 hours — I would be so grateful (I’ll raise your taxes just to prove it).

For liberty (and the greater glorification of all things Ted Cruz,

Ted Cruz

 

 

 

   
    
   
   

 

 

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