Bootlick: Mr. President it’s really great to be here in your awe-inspiring presence. I feel as those who witnessed the Sermon on the Mount must have felt.
Trump: You know my crowd at the inauguration was much larger than the crowd at the Sermon on the Mount. Not even close. Jesus really did not know how to pack them in lik I do. If you look at the photographs of the TRUMP National Mall during the inauguration and the photographs of the SOM, my crowd is huge. Jesus’ – not so much. So you are really one lucky bastard to be sitting in the same room with me.
Bootlick: Let’s get right to torture. I love torture, y0u love torture, Americans love torture. Are we going to be able to say that the Trump administration was a pro-torture administration?
Trump: As you know, torture works. People will confess to almost anything when tortured and that is what will win the war on terror – more forced confessions. You know some of my advisors have said in their confirmation hearings that they won’t use torture – and I respect that. Once we waterboard them, however, I think they will change their minds. So our first resort will be to torture and it will be beautiful torture. We will winning bigly with our torture.
Bootlick: Okay, on to the wall. It looks like you don’t need Congress to build the wall.
Trump: That’s right. Congressional approval will never slow me down. What a bunch of clowns. That’s why 46% of American voters chose me – to build that wall. And it will be a real wall, a beautiful wall, probably about 700 feet tall and a half-mile wide. And Mexico is not only going to pay for it, I am going to make them say they love it. And if they won’t pay, then I’ll play the trade war card. So what if they are our third largest trading partner and next door neighbor. I’ll just go to Mexico and get elected President there too. The Mexican people love me and the crowd at my Mexican inauguration will be even larger than the one last week.
Bootlick: Okay finally, the media. Those scum-sucking bastards keep calling you a liar for saying things that might possibly be true in an alternative universe. What is your response to these pathetic leaches on a free society that should be worshipping exalted leaders like you who drink at the trough of conservative ideology?
Trump: Well you couldn’t be more right. The media – and by that I mean everyone one but you Dobbs, Limbaugh and the guys at Breitbart – truly are the most vile, repulsive creatures to walk the planet. I’m wrong there – most of them slither actually. They are the most disgusted, perverted and really pathetic wretches that I have ever encountered – and remember I ran a casino in Atlantic City. Back in the day I would have just had Carlo, Tony and Guido take them into the back room and well – you get the picture. Here’s how you can tell what is a lie and what isn’t. If I say it – it’s the God’s truth. If you see it on CNN or in the NY Times are any of these other failed and rat-infested enterprises – it is a lie. It’s that simple. I tell the beautiful truth and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. For example, I am the most talented, handsomest, gifted and divinely inspired man to ever hold this great office. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Coolidge – they all look up to me and just marvel at my brilliance. Anyone who says otherwise is a disease-ridden piece of walking human filth. Simple, really. So don’t watch TV news or read your paper, I will tell you everything you need to know and it will be the beautiful truth.
Bootlick: Well, what more can I possibly say.
Trump: Nothing and keep it that way until I tell you what to say.