Category Archives: President Trump

Trump Begs – Red Translates

Red shares with you the latest from the daily onslaught of Trump campaign emails – with his usual translation for your EXCLUSIVE benefit. READ this today. DON’T WAIT. Act now and Red will match your reading pleasure. Let Red know that you stand with him. Okay, here goes:

“When children are [not in school] (you’ve got to wonder what the brilliant FOTUS actually said here – When children are not being taken hostage? – not being assaulted by school police?), they are missing more than just time in the classroom… (Absolutely correct – the US has gone almost 4 months without a school shooting – they are clearly missing the opportunity to dodge bullets) ”
– Melania Trump, First Lady of the United States

Friend,

Our First Lady is right (apparently really far right).

If schools around our Nation choose not to reopen soon (who knew we had so many sentient schools?), our children will miss so much more than just an education (see above) . The Invisible Enemy (okay people complained about my racist term for the virus so now I have a really clever new one – but the real invisible enemy would be my tax returns – good luck at ever seeing those) has already taken so much from our Country (I’ve obviously got to avoid talking about more than 100K that could have been prevented if I wasn’t such an imbecile – because it is so clear that I don’t give a shit about people and their silly little problems like unnecessary deaths. But what I really mean is that it has taken away my best shot at re-election) and we cannot allow it to take away our kids’ childhood too (soon they will be too old for even good ol’ Jeffrey Epstein).

As your President, I will not stand for that (I stand for the greater glorification of all things Donald J. Trump) America needs to get back on track (or my re-election is doomed).

It’s important that EVERY American (I almost choked on that one) comes together at a time like this to send a united message that SCHOOLS MUST RE-OPEN IN THE FALL (Again, my re-election comes first – the lives of your children are a such a small price to pay for another four years of my glorious leadership). I’m calling on YOU to make a public statement and add your name to stand with your President and our First Lady.

The Radical Left (the cancel everything party (Note from Red – Trump is apparently catching on to Red’s use of parentheses)) will try and keep our schools closed FOREVER (Where do I come up with this stuff? First, we claim that the schools are educating our children to by homo-loving Marxists and then I claim that Marxist homo-lovers want to keep the schools closed FOREVER – fortunately no one seems to pay attention to my BS). We need 1 MILLION signatures to show them where Real Americans (Democratic leftist pinkos need not apply) stand.

Thank you,

Donald J. Trump

Benedict Donald Wants Your Money

As Red has mentioned, the Greatest Con Man Who Has Ever Walked the Face of the Earth (aka Pres. Trump) somehow got Red’s email and now regularly – and by that Red means at least 5-6 times a day – sends an email begging for money. The typical email is filled to the brim with typical con man hype and Red finds it hard to believe that there is anyone who would fall for such utter bullshit. But then again, Trump – who clearly appears to be a traitor to our country – is still polling in the high 30’s, so as usual Red is behind the times. Here’s one of the latest most “con manny” emails with Red’s usual translation.

Friend (and by that I mean “mark”),

What I’m about to tell you is NOT public knowledge (except to the 5 million other marks who got this same email).

I am hosting a very important event soon (if I find time between rounds – maybe at the turn I can squeeze in 10 minutes) and I’ve requested that YOU (yes You) be my VIP guest. You’ve always been one of our TOP supporters, (despite having never given me a dime) so I’ve decided to do something extra special (Ivanka show the man what’s behind Curtain No. 1)…
 

I’ve unlocked an exclusive DOUBLE-ENTRY (see it’s like a game show) for YOU and YOU ONLY (and the 5 million)!
All you have to do is contribute ANY AMOUNT (but it had better be a lot) or more (a lot more) and you’ll automatically be entered TWICE to win a trip (yep, game show) to meet your favorite President (Lincoln’s dead so I’ll have to do) at my upcoming event (no mask required).

This offer is ONLY for you, Friend, so please DO NOT share this. (and if you are stupid enough to fall for this you probably won’t).

TRUMP PENCE MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN


Double-Entry: Unlocked. Meet President Trump. Contribute Now.

Remember, if you win (in addition to some lovely parting gifts),

  • We’ll cover your flight (a $500 value)
  • We’ll cover your stay at a very nice hotel (Trump Ramada Inn)
  • You’ll get VIP ACCESS (Virtually Ignored by President)
  • You’ll get to bring a guest of your choice (as long as she is young and hot)
  • And, you’ll even get to take a photo with me so we can remember it forever. (for a small additional charge).

This offer expires at 11:59 PM TONIGHT, Friend, so don’t wait until it’s too late.

This Didn’t Age Well

Red is on the Trump campaign’s email list.  From time to time, Red likes to share some of the joy coming from the Reality TV Show Joke of a President’s campaign begging – along with commentary of course.  Red got this one on Saturday.

I’m about to go on stage (because I’m playing the role of POTUS – the part of a lifetime)  in Tulsa, Oklahoma to hold my very first Trump MAGA Rally in three months (deprived of oxygen I am).

I know the Fake News media (now including Fox News) won’t ever tell you the FACTS (it must be true if I put it in ALL CAPS) about what’s REALLY (REALLY) going on in our Nation (total shit storm) or about all of my administration’s hard work (that’s 11 am to 3 pm at least 4 days a week) to Keep America Safe, (Hey, if we can’t be great at least let’s be safe) which is why tonight is so important (uh oh!).
But, before I get on that stage for what will be our most EPIC rally ever (it was epic all right), I need to know that you’re still in this fight with me (killing an Antifa member would prove it).

I’ve asked my team to hand me an updated list of donors (what a bunch of suckers) who choose to step up at this critical time (one foot in a prison cell and the other on a banana peel), and I’ll be disappointed (more disappointed than I am in Eric) if I don’t see your name on there (does anyone really believe this BS?).

I’m going to review the Presidential Donor List right before the rally starts (I’ll be sitting on the can for my traditional pre-show shit), and I want to see that Red from Texas gave to show your dedicated support (and if not fuck you and the horse you rode in on).

 

 

The Worst President?

Red was talking with Red Jr. the other day and a thought crossed his mind.  Red was thinking, “at least Lil’ Red is somewhat lucky in that he has already almost lived through the worst American President he will ever see in his lifetime in Donald Trump.”

Red was about to speak up but then another thought came to mind.  When Red was a young man, someone older and wiser might have said to him, “Red you have just lived through the Nixon presidency and you will never see a worse American president for the rest of your days.”

Red kept quiet because he now knows that Tricky Dick has been lapped by the field.

Cornyn Giving New Meaning to the Term Toadie

Sen. John Cornyn’s utter spinelessness in the face of another Trumpian stunt was on full display today.  Cornyn defended the use of tear gas and truncheons to clear the peaceful protesters in front of the White House yesterday so that Donald “Bunker Boy” Trump could have his photo op with “a Bible” in front of a church whose priest and bishop later denounced his actions.

Claiming that it was “for security purposes” Cornyn argued that BBT had the right to order tear gassing and forcible removal of protesters.  Cornyn claims that the protesters were asked to clear “but refused to do so.”   Notably, the 7 pm curfew was to kick in just a few minutes after Bunker Boy unleashed his shock troops on American citizens exercising their right to peaceably assemble.  But Trump is too important to wait a couple of minutes.

Cornyn then played the ultimate Trump card – going after the press.  According to Cornyn, the media is “never going to find any good or any positive development in anything.”  Well  Sen. Cornyn (Scumbag – TX), Red is looking hard to find the positive in using violent methods against peaceful protesters so that Bunker Boy can try to shed his cowardly image by walking across the street under an absurd amount of security to waive “a Bible” in front of the cameras.  A Bible that he probably could not quote a single word from and surely has never read unless forced to.

It is painfully obvious that Bunker Boy prefers groveling bootlicks and Cornyn is willing to lick long and hard.  How is the taste of leather John?   Please vote this embarrassment out of office in November.

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Red hasn’t had a big steaming bowl of Wolf Brand Chili or had the chance to translate the unbelievable gibberish of Pres. Trump in far too long.  So here goes.

Thank you.  Oh, that social distancing.  Look at you people all spread out, six feet (soon to be six feet under).  That’s pretty impressive.  But we like it the old way a little bit better, don’t we (much easier to grab ’em by the p#$$y when you’re closer)?

And we’ll be back.  We’ll be back to that soon, I think.  I really believe it (because if I believe something it must be true).  And we were received by thousands and thousands of people coming in.  And they came in from all over and all the way from the airport to here (all these wonderful people willing to die just for the chance to see me).  It was really something special.  So it was really great (but don’t expect me to come to your funerals).

In the heart of the Lehigh Valley — now, just so you know, I have brother who is a great brother.  Passed away a long time ago.  Fred (what a loser).  And he went to Lehigh University (like I said, loser)  I’ve been up here many times actually.  And I gave a commencement address years ago at Lehigh University (to other losers).  It’s a great school (for losers).  But whenever I think of this area, I think about my brother (and how I cut off his sick kids’ medical insurance after he died as revenge for them suing).

I was with some of your representatives.  Associates, they call themselves.  I don’t know — I assume if they’re associates, you’re all making the same money (a pittance I’m sure).  I hope so.   They call themselves associates.  Sounds nice, right (much better than sacrificial lambs for their corporate masters)?

But they’re talking about so much of the product now is made in the USA, whereas in the past, it wasn’t.  It wasn’t.  But they were talking about 90 percent — 80 to 90 percent is made — of what you distribute is now made in the USA, and that’s taken a long while for us to get it (I totally made this up).  I started that right from the beginning (and don’t bother to look at the statistics about the decline in American manufacturing – Fake News!).  It’s probably one of the major reasons that I’m here.  It’s called “America First.”  We want America first (first in deaths from COVID-19 anyway).  We love the world (except our former allies and the shithole countries).  We want America first (white America anyway).

Today we’re announcing a groundbreaking initiative to replenish and modernize our Strategic National Stockpile.  The cupboards were bare (not a Big Mac in sight).  You’ve heard me say it a lot (which is the first clue to know that it’s utter bullshit).  When we came into this administration, those cupboards were bare (see, I said it again).

From the moment this terrible virus reached our shores, each of you has worked relentlessly to get the vital supplies to our healthcare warriors (pay no attention to the six weeks that I tried to ignore the problem).  And they are warriors, aren’t they?  When you see them going into those hospitals and they’re putting the stuff that you deliver.  But they’re wrapping themselves (in garbage bags), and the doors are opening, and they’re going through the doors, and they’re not even ready to go through those doors.  They probably shouldn’t.  But they can’t get there fast enough (even Red can’t figure this one out).

And they’re running into death just like soldiers run into bullets, in a true sense.  I see that with the doctors and the nurses and so many of the people that go into those hospitals.  It’s incredible to see.  It’s a beautiful thing to see (Democrats dying).  But I really call them “warriors.”  We’re all warriors; everyone in our country is a warrior (and all you warriors better get ready because I’m starting a civil war if I lose in November).  We have to be because of what happened.  And it should have never happened (if there was a halfway competent person left in the White House).  It should have been stopped at the source.

Just as the men and women of Allentown have done in every generation — I know it well — the workers at this facility have answered the call in America’s hour of need (just like I did during Vietnam).  Many of you are working long before dawn.  You get up and you go to work, and long after midnight.  I know your hours.  I was talking to your people and your representatives.  They say, “You wouldn’t even…” — I’m saying, “What are the hours?”  They said, “You won’t even believe it.”  I said, “But I work those hours too (you  have to get up  pretty early to watch 12 hours of TV a day).  We all work.  We’re all working hard (or hardly working, huh!).”

Now as our country begins a safe and gradual reopening, we’re launching a monumental effort to replenish and rebuild the Strategic National Stockpile (who knew such a thing existed).  We also did that, by the way, with fuel.  When oil went down, we replenished our Strategic National Reserve.

And we got it for a great price (buy low – sell high).  Would you believe what went on with fuel?  But now it’s starting to go back, and we’re saving our energy industry, because people didn’t need too much gasoline when there were no cars on the road.  And I said to the governors — I said, “You know, there are no cars on the road.  This is a good time to fix your highways.  Fix your highways now.” (absolutely no one else thought of this)  Some did and some didn’t.  Right?  They didn’t (Democrats).  They were worried that two people working 35 feet away from each other or driving a tractor, or whatever they might be doing, they’ll catch the virus (what a bunch of weenies).

But the ones that did were really helped because you went from being these massive traffic jams to having no traffic (yes, they fixed all of their traffic problems in 2 months).  And I can tell you Florida was a state (finally I said something correct – Florida is a state).  Great governor.  And Ron was — was — he told me he; he said, “I’m doing it.”  I said, “That’s a good thing.”  Not everybody did it.  Ron DeSantis of Florida.  Governor of Florida (I lose Florida and its game over).

Under the previous administration, the Stockpile was depleted and never fully refilled (ignore that I had 3 years to do that).  Most of the N95 masks were distributed during the N1H1 (should have let them die then).  Now, you know who says that, right?  “N1H1.”  Who says that?  Sleepy Joe Biden (because you should always ridicule your opponent)   Remember?  He said the “N1H1.”  I said, “Isn’t it the other way around?”  They said, “Yes, sir.”  But he said it, so it doesn’t make any difference.  (once again, Red is at a loss here)

But during the H1N1 — and that’s the swine flu — and it was a pandemic in ’09 that was not well handled at all (at least one person died).  It got very poor marks (and I have a bridge to sell you).

Never again will another President inherit empty shelves or expired products (again ignore my first 3 years).  At least — hopefully, in five years you’re talking about.  It may be 9 years, it may be 13 years (I’ll still be President).  But you’ll never have to deal with empty shelves, and you’ll never have to deal with a depleted military (always pivot to the military)  The military that we took over was depleted and in horrible shape (despite spending more than the rest of the world combined).  We’ve now spent $1.5 trillion rebuilding our military (so that we can cut and run from everywhere in the world)  We have the strongest military we’ve ever had, by far (World War II was nothing).  And this is a good time to have it too (remember second civil war coming)

Sorry, Red really can’t take anymore of this right now.

You could knock Red over with an AK-47

Current polling indicates that the Lone Star State is in play for November.  As reported by the Dallas Morning News – not exactly a bastion of left-wing reporting – Trumph – the Insult Comic President and Joe Biden are in a statistical deadheat.

A new Dallas Morning News/University of Texas at Tyler poll shows that Trump and Biden are backed by 43% of poll respondents, with 5% opting for “other” candidates and only 9% undecided. Trump’s overall approval rating was 45%.

Red really will have to engage in some willing suspension of disbelief before he buys into the notion that Uncle Joe has a chance to carry Texas.  But if that well-below 50% approval rating holds, Trump’s reality TV show joke of a Presidency is in serious trouble.  If this polling is accurate and holds through the summer, then Trump absolutely must  divert some of his massive campaign war chest to Texas – a state he must win to prevail in 2020.  The result will be less time and resources to devote to the other “Battleground States” that are also critical to Trump being able to stay in office and out of the pokey.

Brother Trump’s Traveling Salvation Show

As Red has acknowledged, Trump is without doubt the greatest con man who has ever walked the face of the earth.  But as Red has also acknowledged it is hard to keep the con going for the long haul.  In presidential terms, the long haul is anything beyond the first six months or so.

Trump’s cons on the American people have been extensive.  In no particular order he has conned a good portion of Americans into believing: (1) his massive tax cut was not an enormous give back to the wealthiest among us and would benefit the middle class; (2) we are winning trade wars that would benefit working Americans; (3) Russia did not interfere in the 2016 election to help him get elected; (3) our military was in a shambles until Trump took over; (4) he is a self-made man who received a mere pittance of a $1 million loan from his father when he actually inherited more than $400 million in current dollars; (5) he is an expert on the military, science, climate change, foreign policy, economics and any other subject that happens to come up; (6) North Korea is no longer a threat; (7) Ukraine intervened to attempt to get Hillary elected; (8) it was a perfect telephone call; (9) he has drained the “swamp” in DC; (10) he is an extremely stable genius.

But now we have entered in what can only be called the “Snake Oil” phase of Trump’s Reality TV Show Joke of a Presidency.  Faced with a real crisis, Trump clearly has no plan of action.  He lurches from moment to moment falling prey to whatever the Fox or OAN talking heads are saying.  First it was hydroxychlorquine that would be the miracle cure all that would rid of the scourge of COVID-19.  Hallelujah Brother!  Then it was a combination of that chemical with a Z-Pack that cure what ails us.  Can I get an Amen? Then it was that the virus would just magically disappear in April. A Miracle Cure Indeed!  But the latest and greatest of Trump’s con on America is something that would make even the most jaded con man blush.  We can now be healed and brought back to vitality simply by injected ourselves with disinfectant and somehow lighting up our insides.  Wash Me Clean Sister!  Red is reeling in the pure ecstasy of Trump’s divine revelation.  Red will be retiring to his private tanning bed and mainlining some Mr. Clean.

But seriously folks, Trump is nothing more than a pure Snake Oil salesman.  He isn’t traveling anymore but he has his own reality TV show.  But if this latest utter farce does not reveal Trump as the dishonest huckster that he is and always has been – there is no hope for us.   If you are still considering voting for this piece of walking human filth in November – you are an IDIOT.  There is no other way to put it.

 

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Red translates some excerpts from Trump’s speech to the nation last night.  It was so reassuring that financial markets are now in a complete panic.

My fellow Americans: Tonight, I want to speak with you about our nation’s unprecedented (unprecedented in its incompetence) response to the coronavirus outbreak that started in China and is now spreading throughout the world.
Today, the World Health Organization officially announced that this is a global pandemic (I heard that was bad so I lied about it as long as possible).
We have been in frequent contact with our allies (Putin, Kim Jung Un and Bibi), and we are marshalling the full power of the federal government and the private sector to protect the American people (and more importantly my bottom line).
This is the most aggressive and comprehensive effort to confront a foreign virus in modern history (you know the one that last week I told you would be down to zero cases in a few days). I am confident that by counting and continuing to take these tough measures, we will significantly reduce the threat to our citizens, and we will ultimately and expeditiously defeat this virus (because “I am really good at war”).
From the beginning of time, nations and people have faced unforeseen challenges (like utterly incompetent leadership), including large-scale and very dangerous health threats. This is the way it always was and always will be (some live, some die, some get rich in the process). It only matters how you respond, and we are responding with great speed and professionalism (working on a time machine actually)
Our team is the best anywhere in the world (Be Best!). At the very start of the outbreak, we instituted sweeping travel restrictions on China and put in place the first federally mandated quarantine in over 50 years. We declared a public health emergency (which I pooh-poohed) and issued the highest level of travel warning on other countries as the virus spread its horrible infection.
And taking early intense action, we have seen dramatically fewer cases of the virus in the United States than are now present in Europe (aka our former Allies).
After consulting with our top government health professionals (that’s me in case you were wondering), I have decided to take several strong but necessary actions to protect the health and well being of all Americans.
To keep new cases from entering our shores, we will be suspending all travel from Europe (except countries where my golf resorts are located) to the United States for the next 30 days. The new rules will go into effect Friday at midnight. These restrictions will be adjusted subject to conditions on the ground.
These restrictions will also not apply to the United Kingdom (again – golf resorts).
Earlier this week, I met with the leaders of health insurance industry who have agreed to waive all copayments for coronavirus treatments, extend insurance coverage to these treatments, and to prevent surprise medical billing (in the meantime, I am desperately trying to figure out how to blame this on Obamacare).
We are cutting massive amounts of red tape (also known as scientific protocols) to make antiviral therapies available in record time (wait for the October surprise). These treatments will significantly reduce the impact and reach of the virus.
The vast majority of Americans: The risk is very, very low (really non-existent in my expert medical opinion). Young and healthy people (who unfortunately don’t vote for me) can expect to recover fully and quickly if they should get the virus. The highest risk is for elderly population with underlying health conditions. The elderly population must be very, very careful (and try to stay alive until November so you can vote for me).
Because of the economic policies that we have put into place over the last three years, we have the greatest economy anywhere in the world, by far (it had to come back to me at some point).
Our banks and financial institutions are fully capitalized and incredibly strong. Our unemployment is at a historic low. This vast economic prosperity (boy can I spin the bullshit)  gives us flexibility, reserves, and resources to handle any threat that comes our way (except electing a Democrat).
This is not a financial crisis (I’m an expert on that – see, e.g., my multiple bankruptcies), this is just a temporary moment of time that we will overcome together (please God, before November) as a nation and as a world (you ever notice how when things go wrong, it’s not all about me anymore).
Using emergency authority (and my Article 2 powers to  do whatever I want), I will be instructing the Treasury Department to defer tax payments, without interest or penalties, for certain individuals and businesses (mostly those who don’t need it) negatively impacted. This action will provide more than $200 billion of additional liquidity to the economy (and wouldn’t it be nice if I hadn’t already blown the deficit out of control with my rich guy tax cut).
We are at a critical time in the fight against the virus. We made a life-saving move with early action on China. Now we must take the same action with Europe. We will not delay. I will never hesitate to take any necessary steps to protect the lives, health, and safety of the American people. I will always put the well being of America first (and if you believe that, I have a failed casino to sell you and a bogus University for you to attend and a fake charity for you to contribute to and . . . I could go on for days here really).
If we are vigilant — and we can reduce the chance of infection, which we will — we will significantly impede the transmission of the virus. The virus will not have a chance against us (dramatic music rising in the background – I’m thinking theme from Patton).
No nation is more prepared or more resilient than the United States. We have the best economy, the most advanced healthcare, and the most talented doctors, scientists, and researchers anywhere in the world (and of course the best President – but that goes without saying).
We are all in this together. We must put politics aside, stop the partisanship (cancel the election), and unify together as one nation and one family (scum-sucking Democrats aside).
Our future remains brighter than anyone can imagine (I’ve gotta wear shades). Acting with compassion and love (and no one is more compassionate or loving than me – ask Stormy if you don’t believe me), we will heal the sick, care for those in need, help our fellow citizens (I asked for a picture of Jesus to be smiling at me from above, but they said no), and emerge from this challenge stronger and more unified (behind Trump that is) than ever before.

Cornyn Speaks – Red Translates

Sen. John Cornyn (Trumpian -Texas) gave his explanation for voting against a War Powers Resolution seeking to limit the ability of Trumph – the Insult Comic President –  to use authorization from 2001 to start a war with Iran.  The measure passed in the House and Senate, but Trump has vowed to veto it.

What I read this resolution (worthless piece of paper) to do is to try to tie the president’s hands (Lord knows we can’t keep him from grabbing Iran  – or anything else for that matter – by the pussy because he’s a star).  We’ve (me and the other spineless Trump sycophants) all seen enough of how Congress operates (money talks, bullshit walks) to say that Congress (meaning those despicable Democrats) doesn’t operate with the necessary efficiency (unless motivated by fraud, graft and corruption) to deal with a national security crisis (either real or made up to enhance Trump’s re-election chances) particularly involved in self-defense (or more importantly something that might affect my re-election).