At the first full-fledged Cabinet Meeting of the Trump presidency, the various secretaries, czars and other sycophants took turns praising the exalted leader in hagiographic style. For a full analysis of the stomach-turning cabinet session cum personality cult worship service, take a look at the CNN coverage. Meanwhile, Red has done some additional digging and discovered a few of the deserving praises that didn’t make the cut. But stay tuned!
Mr. President, it is an honor to serve the undoubtedly greatest man to ever hold this office. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt – Pah! To quote Jeff Spicoli, “Those guys were fags.” Not one of them is worthy of licking the shit off your shoes – which are clearly the finest most elegant shoes that any President has ever worn on such perfectly proportioned and beautiful feet. And as long as we are on extremities, I will note that the Presidential hands are perfectly normal- sized, fabulously manicured, graceful and exquisitely used to outmaneuver any other world leader in the old handshake department. The visceral grip exerted by those extraordinary hands brings even powerful men to their knees who immediately acquiesce to the brilliance of your strategic thinking. And these Adonis-like hands are perfectly complimented by the more than respectable bulge which emanates from finely tailored zipper region of the Presidential trousers – which are made of the finest wool selected by expert tailors who were rightfully stiffed by you when asked for payment. Those ingrate haberdashers should have been thankful for the opportunity to give their finest garments to one so divinely proportioned to display them for the world to see and admire. Given the powerful presence of your manhood, it is no wonder that your children are such paragons of perfection. The Donald Jr. and Eric – who have so tirelessly worked to eliminate carbon-emitting large game animals who were destroying the planet and who have glorified your genius by their dutiful incompetence in business and charity. Not to mention the lovely and elegant Ivanka. And I think I speak for everyone present including Elaine Chao, Betsy DeVos and you most worshipful leader – when I say what a privilege and honor it would be to shtup her. Not that any of us are worthy – except you – oh glorious and possibly incestual master of your domain. And Tiffany – well oh great one, even your mistakes are magnificent. But let us move on from such outward appearances. The words, the words – the words of the master. Never a false statement, untruth or teensy white lie has ever emanated from the glorious lips of our revered commander. The truth and Donald Trump are one and indivisible. Years from now, your sayings and wisdom will adorn the front, sides and back of our grandest public buildings. Entire departments of our finest institutes of higher education will be devoted to Trump Studies and only the top students from around the globe (Muslim countries excepted of course) will be admitted to bask in the glow of your eternal brilliance. Academicians holding endowed chairs (funded by admirable authoritarians) will insure that the flag of Trump will never be lowered or surrendered. This will lead to a world-wide acceptance of the new religion of Trumpism. And as in the days of Ancient Rome, Congress will inevitably realize that you – like Augustus Caesar – must be deified. Magnificent temples will be built and sacrifices (primarily Democrats and illegal aliens) will be made to honor and appease you. A thousand year reign of peace and prosperity (for the worthy 1% anyway) will come to pass in the wake of your glorious administration. Which, by the way, shall continue well past 8 years when you are repeatedly re-elected by popular acclaim dispensing with the tired and antiquated notions of democracy which could only impede the glorious age – the dawn of which we are privileged to witness. And when the end times come and Jesus returns, you shall shove him aside like a Latvian president and personally preside over the final glory that must inevitably result from the divine plan which has made you our eternal leader.
Oh, and I almost forgot golf and the sweet swing and perfection surrounding your game. Vardon, Jones, Hagen, Sarazen, Hogan, Nelson, Snead, Palmer, Player, Nicklaus, Trevino. Watson, Mickelson and Woods wish they had such a swing. It is such a privilege to watch the finest golfer to ever hold this office in action. The professionals of the PGA are just damn lucky that you chose business and politics over what clearly would have been the greatest career in the history of golf.