Sportswriter Rick Reilly’s new book Commander in Cheat – How Golf Explains Trump details Individual 1’s cheating ways on the green field of honor. As a longtime golfer, Red understands that golf is a gentleman’s game where the players largely call penalties on themselves and follow the rules because it is the right thing to do. Red has played with some cheats over the years. One playing companion (for a short while) could only be described as “The Master of the Leather Wedge.” And is one thing to cheat yourself so that you can feel better about a friendly Saturday afternoon round by taking a mulligan or two, but it is entirely another to cheat when you are in an actual tournament or there is money on the line. Apparently, Individual 1 cheats in both of those situations and any golfer worth his salt knows that such behavior tells you everything you need to know about the man. Trump claims some absurd number of bogus club championships and claims a 2.8 handicap. Pro golfers in there 70s don’t have 2.8 handicaps. By all accounts Trump is an above average golfer, but that’s not good enough for someone with an extreme narcissistic personality disorder for whom every waking moment is an exercise in personal glorification and continued building of the worst personality cult that our country has ever seen. And it’s not like there wasn’t enough information out there to inform the public that Trump’s entire life story presented to the public in his 2016 campaign is just one giant lie after another. But this is golf! This is a line in the sand! If you are a golfer and still support this lying, cheating pathetic excuse for a human being, then you have no honor. And Red is done with you.
My fellow Americans (aka suckers ripe for the taking): Tonight, I am speaking to you because there is a growing humanitarian (no Trump golf courses – imagine the horror) and security crisis at our southern border (mostly my fault but I’ll never let on). Every day, Customs and Border Patrol agents encounter thousands of illegal immigrants trying to enter our country. We are out of space to hold them (Jr., Eric are you listening – new brand idea – Trump Detention Centers), and we have no way to promptly return them back home to their country (maybe we can revive Trump Air). America proudly welcomes millions of lawful immigrants who enrich our society and contribute to our nation (never met one, but they must exist somewhere). But all Americans are hurt by uncontrolled, illegal migration (except my clubs who hire oodles of them on the cheap). It strains public resources and drives down jobs and wages (I’m making this last part up). Among those hardest hit are African Americans and Hispanic Americans (again totally made up).
Our southern border is a pipeline for vast quantities of illegal drugs, including meth, heroin, cocaine, and fentanyl (but a trickle compared to legal ports of entry and we aint doing shit about that because my donors would scream). Every week, 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90 percent of which floods across from our southern border (again through legal ports – but details, details). More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War (take it from Cadet Bone Spurs – I avoided that mess like the plague). . . .
This is a humanitarian crisis — a crisis of the heart and a crisis of the soul (my doctors tell me I have a heart – an excellent heart, the finest heart of any President ever – as far as my soul goes – not so much). Last month, 20,000 migrant children were illegally brought into the United States — a dramatic increase. These children are used as human pawns (think voters here) by vicious coyotes and ruthless gangs. One in three women are sexually assaulted on the dangerous trek up through Mexico (where do I get this stuff?). Women and children are the biggest victims, by far, of our broken system. This is the tragic reality of illegal immigration on our southern border. This is the cycle of human suffering that I am determined to end (by sending them back to their home countries to be killed there – out of sight, out of mind as they say). My administration has presented Congress with a detailed proposal to secure the border and stop the criminal gangs, drug smugglers, and human traffickers (or so I am told – it was more than one paragraph so I didn’t read it). It’s a tremendous problem (and I know about problems). . . .
We have requested more agents, immigration judges, and bed space (Jr. Eric – pay attention here) to process the sharp rise in unlawful migration fueled by our very strong economy (had to throw that one in). Our plan also contains an urgent request for humanitarian assistance and medical support. Furthermore, we have asked Congress to close border security loopholes so that illegal immigrant children can be safely and humanely returned back home (again to be killed there). Finally, as part of an overall approach to border security, law enforcement professionals have requested $5.7 billion for a physical barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico was going to pay for).
At the request of Democrats, it will be a steel barrier rather than a concrete wall (my base might actually believe this BS – so why not say it). This barrier is absolutely critical to border security. It’s also what our professionals at the border want and need. This is just common sense. The border wall would very quickly pay for itself (trust me, I only ran almost every business I controlled myself into the ground). The cost of illegal drugs exceeds $500 billion a year — vastly more than the $5.7 billion we have requested from Congress. The wall will also be paid for, indirectly, by the great new trade deal we have made with Mexico (don’t ask me to explain or provide numbers because I can’t). . . .
Democrats in Congress have refused to acknowledge the crisis (created by me). And they have refused to provide our brave border agents with the tools they desperately need to protect our families and our nation (except for the billions already appropriated). The federal government remains shut down for one reason and one reason only: because Democrats will not fund border security (I know I said I will own the shut down – but who on earth would believe anything I say). My administration is doing everything in our power to help those impacted by the situation. But the only solution is for Democrats to pass a spending bill that defends our borders and re-opens the government (or for me to cave).
This situation could be solved in a 45-minute meeting (or as I count time – 3 holes of golf). I have invited congressional leadership to the White House tomorrow to get this done. Hopefully, we can rise above partisan politics in order to support national security (because I am really desperate here). Some have suggested a barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico is going to pay for – but I repeat myself) is immoral (and of course I am an expert on immoral behavior). Then why do wealthy politicians build walls, fences, and gates around their homes (because people have dogs maybe?)? They don’t build walls because they hate the people on the outside (the poor), but because they love the people on the inside (the swells). The only thing that is immoral is the politicians to do nothing and continue to allow more innocent people to be so horribly victimized (by seeking a better life here). . . .
This is a choice between right (me and my promised agenda) and wrong (anything the Democrats want), justice and injustice (that sounds good, I think). This is about whether we fulfill our sacred duty to the American citizens we serve. When I took the Oath of Office, I swore to protect our country (meaning doing whatever is necessary to save my fat ass). And that is what I will always do (until I am impeached or resign in disgrace), so help me God (and God I need the help because of the bozos I’ve surrounded myself with). Thank you and goodnight (it’s Big Mac time).
Well, President Individual 1 has been at it again. This time while speaking to our troops in Iraq. Red can’t really commend I-1 for his trip as this should have been done in the first couple of months of his presidency. But maybe it’s better late than never to visit our soldiers in the field and tell them some really big (and easily disproved) whoppers. Here are a few excerpts:
Well, first of all, at ease. At ease. Let’s have a good time (that’s usually 18 holes and a hooker or two but I know times are tough here). And we had an incredible meeting that lasted for about an hour (way past my usual attention span), and you have no idea what we’ve come up with (and neither do I). You’re going to be so happy. You’re going to be so happy (I always promise happiness because a promise of happiness makes people happy).
So Melania and I are thrilled to be here (God, I wish we were at Mar-a-Lago but those f’ing Democrats) with the extraordinary men and women of the American Armed Forces — the greatest military (now that I’m in charge anyway – before me you were a bunch of hapless losers), and — especially as we get all of this billions and billions of dollars of new equipment that I approved over (screw Congress) the last two years (I love equipment almost as much as real estate). You’re getting such new equipment, your eyes are popping, right? Your eyes are popping (I have no idea what I’m talking about but it sounds impressive). You’re getting the best equipment in the world.
The men and women stationed at Al Asad have played a vital role in the military defeat of ISIS in Iraq and in Syria (not as much as me but still). Because of these gains, our service members in Syria can now return home to their families (and hopefully rent from Trump Enterprises – in your dreams suckers). Some will come here for a stay, but a lot of them are going to be going back home, where they want to be, with their families (just stay away from me). They’ve done a fantastic job (something I know nothing about).
Originally, years ago, they came here (or so I am told – you know I was really busy losing lots of money on casinos, steaks, airlines, wine, magazines, etc.). And it was supposed to be for three to four months, and that was a long time ago (Stupid Bushes or Obama I forget which). That was many years ago. But what a job you have done. What a job they have done. I made it clear from the beginning that our mission in Syria was to strip ISIS of its military strongholds; we’re not nation building. Rebuilding Syria will require a political solution (Way above my pay grade). And it’s a solution that should be paid for by its very rich neighboring countries, not the United States. Let them pay for it. And they will. They will (Just like Mexico).
In fact, Saudi Arabia yesterday — you probably read — stepped up to the plate and has already made a commitment of substantial funds for development (Nothing is better than having other rich people pay for stuff – trust me I know what I am talking about, right Dad?). And President Erdogan of Turkey (A really cool guy who gets what he wants because there are no Democrats in Turkey) has also agreed to take out any remnants of ISIS (and if the Kurds get slaughtered well, what is a Kurd anyway? I don’t like cottage cheese), and we’ll be working with them. We’re going to be working with them.
While American might can defeat terrorist armies on the battlefield (Please don’t mention Afghanistan ever again), each nation of the world must decide for itself what kind of future it wants to build for its people, and what kind of sacrifices they are willing to make for their children (Like that $300,000 a year I was earning at age 5. Thanks again Dad.). America shouldn’t be doing the fighting for every nation on Earth not being reimbursed (It’s all about the money after all), in many cases, at all.
If they want us to do the fighting, they also have to pay a price (Money, money money)— and sometimes that’s also a monetary price (Told ya!)— so we’re not the suckers of the world (And believe me a con man like me can spot a sucker from a mile away). We’re no longer the suckers, folks (except when it comes to elections). And people aren’t looking at us as suckers (more like utter morons). And I love you folks because most of you are nodding your head this way (Damn it why aren’t they bowing down?). We’re respected again as a nation. We’re respected again (polling to the contrary be damned).
No force in history has done more for the cause of justice and peace (side benefits of protecting oil reserves and absolute monarchy). I want each and every one of you to know that we will always protect those who protect us (except when it comes to benefits and health care). You protect us. We are always going to protect you. And you just saw that because you just got one of the biggest pay raises you’ve ever received — unless you don’t want it. (Applause.) (God, they are actually eating this BS up). Does anybody here — is anybody here willing to give up the big pay raise you just got? Raise your hands, please. Ah, I don’t see too many hands. Okay, don’t give it up.
It’s great. You know what? Nobody deserves it more (except me). You haven’t gotten one in more than 10 years — more than 10 years (make it 20 it’s such BS it doesn’t really matter). And we got you a big one. I got you a big one. I got you a big one. (A bigly big one) (Applause.)
They had plenty of people that came up. They said, “You know, we could make it smaller. We could make it 3 percent. We could make it 2 percent. We could make it 4 percent.” I said, “No. Make it 10 percent (Where do I come up with this stuff?). Make it more than 10 percent.” (Or 2.6% but who’s counting?) Because it’s been a long time. It’s been more than 10 years. It’s been more than 10 years (or since last year -but again these folks clearly aren’t paying attention). That’s a long time (and I’ll be long gone before you figure it out – in typical con man fashion).
Individual 1 aka Trumph – the Insult Comic President is pulling our troops out of Syria against the advice of – well, everyone except Vlad Putin and Tayyip Erdogan. This will leave our Kurdish allies who have really carried the fight against ISIS in Syria to the tender mercies of the Turks who consider them to be a terrorist group. But Individual 1 desperately needs to change the news cycle for a few days so what does it matter if a whole bunch of Kurds get slaughtered. So Red has taken the time to translate Individual 1’s thinking on the matter. You’re welcome.
We (that means me of course) have won (remember I promised lots of winning) against ISIS. We’ve (me again) beaten them (no one believes this other than me – but you know “fake news” and all) and we’ve beaten them badly (or bigly if you prefer). We’ve taken back the land (now available for development – are you listening all you Russians needing to launder money) and now it’s time for our troops to come back home (where I can ignore them in safety and comfort). I get very saddened (it’s all about me after all and my sadness which is a great sadness of course) when I have to write letters (they stopped letting me actually write letters because I kept misspelling “deer” – or so they say) or call parents or wives or husbands of soldiers who have been killed fighting for our country (really me again).
“Get me out of here.”
Donald Trumph – the Insult Comic President™ commenting as he walked off the stage at the G-20 Summit in Argentina.
Interestingly, at any given point in time about 55-60% of Americans would agree and gladly get him out of here. Red would agree as well but for the prospect of a Groveling Mike administration.
The latest craze (in the literal sense of the word) to hit the stuffed animal market is Trumpy Bear – an orange haired, red tie wearing, sort of scowling stuffed “grizzly bear” that unzips in the back to reveal an American flag. TB is not a spoof. It’s merely a joke of real product that fairly well mirrors the “Reality TV Show Joke of Presidency” that is the Trumph administration. TB is sold by a real Dallas-based company, Exceptional Products Inc. Exceptional Products is a “direct response” company. Such companies typically employ glib hucksters on extended TV commercials that urge gullible TV viewers to call now and get some miracle product that will enhance their lives in every possible way. One of the company’s signature products is Plaque Attack — a dental spray to remove plaque and cure bad breath of dogs and cats – a major scourge for our nation.
Fortunately for his readers, Red has the inside track on some of the lesser known features of Trumpy Bear.
Optional Russian flag to represent Trumpy Bear’s true allegiance.
Secret toy knife for backstabbing disloyal loyalists.
Pre-programmed to grab genitals of any woman with 8+ rating.
Not suitable for playing in the rain – might get hair mussed.
Big Mac secret sauce stains on tie.
Also available – Very hot Trumpy Bear Wife No. 4.
Made in China so as to Make America Great Again.
Free to Fox News employees.
Golf ball storage compartment in butthole. When your ball is lost and you don’t want to drop a stroke, TB secretly shits you a new one.
Red is now privy to a top-secret White House memorandum which outlines the fascinating process by which the Trumph administration vets and selects candidates to fill the most sensitive and important positions in the executive branch. As a marker of his efficiency, Trumph has streamlined the process which under previous presidents was unduly onerous and time consuming. It is now a straightforward four step inquiry.
- Does this person have a well-established track record as a conservative partisan political hack (bonus points for appearances on Fox News praising me – extra bonus points for being a Fox News employee)?
- Has this person engaged in unethical, fraudulent or questionable business practices involving the fleecing of average Americans?
- When push comes to shove, will this person set aside any moral convictions they might have, any allegiance to the rule of law or the U.S. Constitution, any consideration of past precedent or institutional norms and cover my fat ass at all costs without consideration of damage to their personal or political reputations?
- If yes, yes and yes – hire them!