Category Archives: President Trump

Donald Trump Reads Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution

Since most of you out there (much like Trump) won’t take the time to actually read Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, Red will give you the Article as Trump would read it – as if he could be bothered with such triviality.

The executive Power (totally unlimited despite what follows) shall be vested in a President of the United States of America (that’s me). He shall hold his Office (it’s all mine) during the Term of four Years  (or more if I feel like it), and, together with the Vice President (usually a bozo like Sleepy Joe), chosen for the same Term, be elected, as follows

Each State shall appoint, in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a Number of Electors, equal to the whole Number of Senators and Representatives to which the State may be entitled in the Congress: but no Senator or Representative, or Person holding an Office of Trust or Profit under the United States, shall be appointed an Elector (this stuff is only important because it’s the only way I could get elected). 

* * *

The Congress may determine the Time of chusing (good spelling) the Electors, and the Day on which they shall give their Votes; which Day shall be the same throughout the United States.

No Person except a natural born Citizen (hear that Lying Ted?), or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years (unless really hot like Ivanka!), and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States (or one of Jeffrey Epstein’s houses).

In Case of the Removal of the President from Office, or of his Death, Resignation, or Inability to discharge the Powers and Duties of the said Office (never gonna happen so forget this shit), the Same shall devolve on the Vice President, and the Congress may by Law provide for the Case of Removal, Death, Resignation or Inability, both of the President and Vice President, declaring what Officer shall then act as President, and such Officer shall act accordingly, until the Disability be removed, or a President shall be elected.

The President shall, at stated Times, receive for his Services, a Compensation (a pittance), which shall neither be encreased nor diminished during the Period for which he shall have been elected, and he shall not receive within that Period any other Emolument from the United States, or any of them (is that like an unguent?).

Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, he shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:—”I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States (as long as it doesn’t get in my way).”

Section. 2.

The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States (because, you know, I am really good at war), and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States; he may require the Opinion (as if I needed that – or would read it), in writing, of the principal Officer in each of the executive Departments, upon any Subject relating to the Duties of their respective Offices, and he shall have Power to grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offences against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment.

He shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate (pack of weasels), to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

The President shall have Power to fill up all Vacancies (I’ve filled a few vacancies in my life – if you know what I mean) that may happen during the Recess of the Senate, by granting Commissions which shall expire at the End of their next Session.

Section. 3.

He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union (totally great from the minute I took office – a complete shithole before that), and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient; he may, on extraordinary Occasions, convene both Houses, or either of them, and in Case of Disagreement between them, with Respect to the Time of Adjournment, he may adjourn them to such Time as he shall think proper; he shall receive Ambassadors and other public Ministers (please bring presents); he shall take Care that the Laws be faithfully executed (if I feel like it), and shall Commission all the Officers of the United States.

Section. 4.

The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors (pay no attention to this part).

Section 5

And most importantly, he can do whatever he wants to. 

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“Crazy Train” aka the Trump Reality TV Show Joke of a Presidency

Ozzy Osburne (through wife Sharon) has demanded that Trump immediately stop using his classic 1980 hit “Crazy Train.”  Trump (or the usual sycophants) had played the song over a clip of the Democratic Debate.   Now if Trump wanted to use the song for his own campaign or to characterize his presidency, Red thinks Ozzy could hardly object.

The song lyrics (complete with Red commentary):

Crazy, but that’s how it goes (crazy like a fox – like an old orange demented fox)
Millions of people living as foes (except the Russians of course)
Maybe it’s not too late (9:00 am tee time)
To learn how to love and forget how to hate (but what would the GOP be without hate? A bunch of old white guys mumbling in their coffee?)

Mental wounds not healing (enough said)
Life’s a bitter shame (unless Daddy gives you $400 million)
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

I’ve listened to preachers, I’ve listened to fools (hard to tell the difference among the evangelicals)
I’ve watched all the dropouts who make their own rules (would have dropped out but again Daddy)
One person conditioned to rule and control (that’s me suckers)
The media sells it and you live the role (God bless Roger Ailes) 

Mental wounds still screaming (you try marriage to Ivana)
Driving me insane (it was a short ride)
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

I know that things are going wrong for me (lying, f#(king pollsters)
You gotta listen to my words (off script of course)
Yeah

Heirs of a cold war, that’s what we’ve become (again I love the Russians)
Inheriting troubles, I’m mentally numb (inheriting oodles more like it – mentally ???)
Crazy, I just cannot bear
I’m living with something that just isn’t fair (fake news, Mueller, Biden, AOC, immigrants, the list goes on . . .)

Mental wounds stop healing (what?  I was contemplating this birdie putt) 
Who and what’s to blame (see above)
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train (our country’s going off the rails with a crazy con man)

Trumph (the Insult Comic President) Speaks – Red Translates

They were fake polls (you know the ones I previously claimed did not exist – well they actually exist but since they don’t look very good they must be fake under the irrefutable formula:  Makes me look bad = Fake!!) that were released by somebody (my treasonous paid pollsters apparently) that is — it’s ridiculous.  They’re giving out phony polls (phony, fake, whatever – I would consult a thesaurus if I knew what that was).  These are polls (that we have (yeah, the ones that previously did not exist), that nobody saw (like my tax returns). We do very little polling (just a daily poll or two – three on the weekends) because I’m not a huge believer in polling (except that Rasmussen fellow who is almost always wrong)… But we have some internal polling (bigly strong within the family)— very little — and it’s unbelievably strong (mostly because it’s unbelievable). The strongest I’ve ever been is exactly today (because you know – once a con man, always a con man).

Trump is a Golf Cheat

Sportswriter Rick Reilly’s new book Commander in Cheat – How Golf Explains Trump details Individual 1’s cheating ways on the green field of honor.  As a longtime golfer, Red understands that golf is a gentleman’s game where the players largely call penalties on themselves and follow the rules because it is the right thing to do.  Red has played with some cheats over the years.  One playing companion (for a short while) could only be described as “The Master of the Leather Wedge.”  And is one thing to cheat yourself so that you can feel better about a friendly Saturday afternoon round by taking a mulligan or two, but it is entirely another to cheat when you are in an actual tournament or there is money on the line.  Apparently, Individual 1 cheats in both of those situations and any golfer worth his salt knows that such behavior tells you everything you need to know about the man.  Trump claims some absurd number of bogus club championships and claims a 2.8 handicap.  Pro golfers in there 70s don’t have 2.8 handicaps.  By all accounts Trump is an above average golfer, but that’s not good enough for someone with an extreme narcissistic personality disorder for whom every waking moment is an exercise in personal glorification and continued building of the worst personality cult that our country has ever seen.  And it’s not like there wasn’t enough information out there to inform the public that Trump’s entire life story presented to the public in his 2016 campaign is just one giant lie after another.  But this is golf!  This is a line in the sand!  If you are a golfer and still support this lying, cheating pathetic excuse for a human being, then you have no honor.  And Red is done with you.

Individual 1 Speaks – Red Translates

My fellow Americans (aka suckers ripe for the taking): Tonight, I am speaking to you because there is a growing humanitarian (no Trump golf courses – imagine the horror) and security crisis at our southern border (mostly my fault but I’ll never let on). Every day, Customs and Border Patrol agents encounter thousands of illegal immigrants trying to enter our country. We are out of space to hold them (Jr., Eric are you listening – new brand idea – Trump Detention Centers), and we have no way to promptly return them back home to their country (maybe we can revive Trump Air). America proudly welcomes millions of lawful immigrants who enrich our society and contribute to our nation (never met one, but they must exist somewhere). But all Americans are hurt by uncontrolled, illegal migration (except my clubs who hire oodles of them on the cheap). It strains public resources and drives down jobs and wages (I’m making this last part up). Among those hardest hit are African Americans and Hispanic Americans (again totally made up).

Our southern border is a pipeline for vast quantities of illegal drugs, including meth, heroin, cocaine, and fentanyl (but a trickle compared to legal ports of entry and we aint doing shit about that because my donors would scream). Every week, 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90 percent of which floods across from our southern border (again through legal ports – but details, details). More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War (take it from Cadet Bone Spurs – I avoided that mess like the plague).  . . .

This is a humanitarian crisis — a crisis of the heart and a crisis of the soul (my doctors tell me I have a heart – an excellent heart, the finest heart of any President ever – as far as my soul goes – not so much). Last month, 20,000 migrant children were illegally brought into the United States — a dramatic increase. These children are used as human pawns (think voters here) by vicious coyotes and ruthless gangs. One in three women are sexually assaulted on the dangerous trek up through Mexico (where do I get this stuff?). Women and children are the biggest victims, by far, of our broken system. This is the tragic reality of illegal immigration on our southern border. This is the cycle of human suffering that I am determined to end (by sending them back to their home countries to be killed there – out of sight, out of mind as they say). My administration has presented Congress with a detailed proposal to secure the border and stop the criminal gangs, drug smugglers, and human traffickers (or so I am told – it was more than one paragraph so I didn’t read it). It’s a tremendous problem (and I know about problems). . . .

We have requested more agents, immigration judges, and bed space (Jr. Eric – pay attention here) to process the sharp rise in unlawful migration fueled by our very strong economy (had to throw that one in). Our plan also contains an urgent request for humanitarian assistance and medical support. Furthermore, we have asked Congress to close border security loopholes so that illegal immigrant children can be safely and humanely returned back home (again to be killed there). Finally, as part of an overall approach to border security, law enforcement professionals have requested $5.7 billion for a physical barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico was going to pay for).

At the request of Democrats, it will be a steel barrier rather than a concrete wall (my base might actually believe this BS – so why not say it). This barrier is absolutely critical to border security. It’s also what our professionals at the border want and need. This is just common sense. The border wall would very quickly pay for itself (trust me, I only ran almost every business I controlled myself into the ground). The cost of illegal drugs exceeds $500 billion a year — vastly more than the $5.7 billion we have requested from Congress. The wall will also be paid for, indirectly, by the great new trade deal we have made with Mexico (don’t ask me to explain or provide numbers because I can’t).  . . .

Democrats in Congress have refused to acknowledge the crisis (created by me). And they have refused to provide our brave border agents with the tools they desperately need to protect our families and our nation (except for the billions already appropriated). The federal government remains shut down for one reason and one reason only: because Democrats will not fund border security (I know I said I will own the shut down – but who on earth would believe anything I say). My administration is doing everything in our power to help those impacted by the situation. But the only solution is for Democrats to pass a spending bill that defends our borders and re-opens the government (or for me to cave).

This situation could be solved in a 45-minute meeting (or as I count time – 3 holes of golf). I have invited congressional leadership to the White House tomorrow to get this done. Hopefully, we can rise above partisan politics in order to support national security (because I am really desperate here). Some have suggested a barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico is going to pay for – but I repeat myself) is immoral (and of course I am an expert on immoral behavior). Then why do wealthy politicians build walls, fences, and gates around their homes (because people have dogs maybe?)? They don’t build walls because they hate the people on the outside (the poor), but because they love the people on the inside (the swells). The only thing that is immoral is the politicians to do nothing and continue to allow more innocent people to be so horribly victimized (by seeking a better life here). . . .

This is a choice between right (me and my promised agenda) and wrong (anything the Democrats want), justice and injustice (that sounds good, I think). This is about whether we fulfill our sacred duty to the American citizens we serve. When I took the Oath of Office, I swore to protect our country (meaning doing whatever is necessary to save my fat ass). And that is what I will always do (until I am impeached or resign in disgrace), so help me God (and God I need the help because of the bozos I’ve surrounded myself with). Thank you and goodnight (it’s Big Mac time).

Individual 1 Speaks – Red Translates

Well, President Individual 1 has been at it again.  This time while speaking to our troops in Iraq.  Red can’t really commend I-1 for his trip as this should have been done in the first couple of months of his presidency.  But maybe it’s better late than never to visit our soldiers in the field and tell them some really big (and easily disproved) whoppers.  Here are a few excerpts:

Well, first of all, at ease.  At ease.  Let’s have a good time (that’s usually 18 holes and a hooker or two but I know times are tough here).  And we had an incredible meeting that lasted for about an hour (way past my usual attention span), and you have no idea what we’ve come up with (and neither do I).  You’re going to be so happy.  You’re going to be so happy (I always promise happiness because a promise of happiness makes people happy). 

So Melania and I are thrilled to be here (God, I wish we were at Mar-a-Lago but those f’ing Democrats) with the extraordinary men and women of the American Armed Forces — the greatest military (now that I’m in charge anyway – before me you were a bunch of hapless losers), and — especially as we get all of this billions and billions of dollars of new equipment that I approved over (screw Congress) the last two years (I love equipment almost as much as real estate).  You’re getting such new equipment, your eyes are popping, right?   Your eyes are popping (I have no idea what I’m talking about but it sounds impressive).  You’re getting the best equipment in the world.

The men and women stationed at Al Asad have played a vital role in the military defeat of ISIS in Iraq and in Syria (not as much as me but still).  Because of these gains, our service members in Syria can now return home to their families (and hopefully rent from Trump Enterprises – in your dreams suckers).  Some will come here for a stay, but a lot of them are going to be going back home, where they want to be, with their families (just stay away from me).  They’ve done a fantastic job (something I know nothing about).

Originally, years ago, they came here (or so I am told – you know I was really busy losing lots of money on casinos, steaks, airlines, wine, magazines, etc.).  And it was supposed to be for three to four months, and that was a long time ago (Stupid Bushes or Obama I forget which).  That was many years ago.  But what a job you have done.  What a job they have done.  I made it clear from the beginning that our mission in Syria was to strip ISIS of its military strongholds; we’re not nation building.  Rebuilding Syria will require a political solution (Way above my pay grade).  And it’s a solution that should be paid for by its very rich neighboring countries, not the United States.  Let them pay for it.  And they will.  They will (Just like Mexico).

In fact, Saudi Arabia yesterday — you probably read — stepped up to the plate and has already made a commitment of substantial funds for development (Nothing is better than having other rich people pay for stuff – trust me I know what I am talking about, right Dad?).  And President Erdogan of Turkey (A really cool guy who gets what he wants because there are no Democrats in Turkey) has also agreed to take out any remnants of ISIS (and if the Kurds get slaughtered well, what is a Kurd anyway? I don’t like cottage cheese), and we’ll be working with them.  We’re going to be working with them.

While American might can defeat terrorist armies on the battlefield (Please don’t mention Afghanistan ever again), each nation of the world must decide for itself what kind of future it wants to build for its people, and what kind of sacrifices they are willing to make for their children (Like that $300,000 a year I was earning at age 5.  Thanks again Dad.).  America shouldn’t be doing the fighting for every nation on Earth not being reimbursed (It’s all about the money after all), in many cases, at all.

If they want us to do the fighting, they also have to pay a price (Money, money money)— and sometimes that’s also a monetary price  (Told ya!)— so we’re not the suckers of the world (And believe me a con man like me can spot a sucker from a mile away).  We’re no longer the suckers, folks (except when it comes to elections).  And people aren’t looking at us as suckers (more like utter morons).  And I love you folks because most of you are nodding your head this way (Damn it why aren’t they bowing down?).  We’re respected again as a nation.  We’re respected again (polling to the contrary be damned).

No force in history has done more for the cause of justice and peace (side benefits of protecting oil reserves and absolute monarchy).  I want each and every one of you to know that we will always protect those who protect us (except when it comes to benefits and health care).  You protect us.  We are always going to protect you.  And you just saw that because you just got one of the biggest pay raises you’ve ever received  — unless you don’t want it.  (Applause.) (God, they are actually eating this BS up).  Does anybody here — is anybody here willing to give up the big pay raise you just got?  Raise your hands, please.  Ah, I don’t see too many hands.  Okay, don’t give it up.

It’s great.  You know what?  Nobody deserves it more (except me).  You haven’t gotten one in more than 10 years — more than 10 years (make it 20 it’s such BS it doesn’t really matter).  And we got you a big one.  I got you a big one.  I got you a big one.  (A bigly big one) (Applause.)

They had plenty of people that came up.  They said, “You know, we could make it smaller.  We could make it 3 percent.  We could make it 2 percent.  We could make it 4 percent.”  I said, “No.  Make it 10 percent (Where do I come up with this stuff?).  Make it more than 10 percent.” (Or 2.6% but who’s counting?)  Because it’s been a long time.  It’s been more than 10 years.  It’s been more than 10 years (or since last year -but again these folks clearly aren’t paying attention).  That’s a long time (and I’ll be long gone before you figure it out – in typical con man fashion). 

 

Individual 1 Speaks – Red Translates

Individual 1 aka Trumph – the Insult Comic President is pulling our troops out of Syria against the advice of – well, everyone except Vlad Putin and Tayyip Erdogan.  This will leave our Kurdish allies who have really carried the fight against ISIS in Syria to the tender mercies of the Turks who consider them to be a terrorist group.  But Individual 1 desperately needs to change the news cycle for a few days so what does it matter if a whole bunch of Kurds get slaughtered.  So Red has taken the time to translate Individual 1’s thinking on the matter.  You’re welcome.

We (that means me of course) have won (remember I promised lots of winning) against ISIS. We’ve (me again) beaten them (no one believes this other than me – but you know “fake news” and all) and we’ve beaten them badly (or bigly if you prefer). We’ve taken back the land (now available for development – are you listening all you Russians needing to launder money) and now it’s time for our troops to come back home (where I can ignore them in safety and comfort). I get very saddened (it’s all about me after all and my sadness which is a great sadness of course) when I have to write letters (they stopped letting me actually write letters because I kept misspelling “deer” – or so they say) or call parents or wives or husbands of soldiers who have been killed fighting for our country (really me again).