Category Archives: President Trump

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Red translates some excerpts from Trump’s speech to the nation last night.  It was so reassuring that financial markets are now in a complete panic.

My fellow Americans: Tonight, I want to speak with you about our nation’s unprecedented (unprecedented in its incompetence) response to the coronavirus outbreak that started in China and is now spreading throughout the world.
Today, the World Health Organization officially announced that this is a global pandemic (I heard that was bad so I lied about it as long as possible).
We have been in frequent contact with our allies (Putin, Kim Jung Un and Bibi), and we are marshalling the full power of the federal government and the private sector to protect the American people (and more importantly my bottom line).
This is the most aggressive and comprehensive effort to confront a foreign virus in modern history (you know the one that last week I told you would be down to zero cases in a few days). I am confident that by counting and continuing to take these tough measures, we will significantly reduce the threat to our citizens, and we will ultimately and expeditiously defeat this virus (because “I am really good at war”).
From the beginning of time, nations and people have faced unforeseen challenges (like utterly incompetent leadership), including large-scale and very dangerous health threats. This is the way it always was and always will be (some live, some die, some get rich in the process). It only matters how you respond, and we are responding with great speed and professionalism (working on a time machine actually)
Our team is the best anywhere in the world (Be Best!). At the very start of the outbreak, we instituted sweeping travel restrictions on China and put in place the first federally mandated quarantine in over 50 years. We declared a public health emergency (which I pooh-poohed) and issued the highest level of travel warning on other countries as the virus spread its horrible infection.
And taking early intense action, we have seen dramatically fewer cases of the virus in the United States than are now present in Europe (aka our former Allies).
After consulting with our top government health professionals (that’s me in case you were wondering), I have decided to take several strong but necessary actions to protect the health and well being of all Americans.
To keep new cases from entering our shores, we will be suspending all travel from Europe (except countries where my golf resorts are located) to the United States for the next 30 days. The new rules will go into effect Friday at midnight. These restrictions will be adjusted subject to conditions on the ground.
These restrictions will also not apply to the United Kingdom (again – golf resorts).
Earlier this week, I met with the leaders of health insurance industry who have agreed to waive all copayments for coronavirus treatments, extend insurance coverage to these treatments, and to prevent surprise medical billing (in the meantime, I am desperately trying to figure out how to blame this on Obamacare).
We are cutting massive amounts of red tape (also known as scientific protocols) to make antiviral therapies available in record time (wait for the October surprise). These treatments will significantly reduce the impact and reach of the virus.
The vast majority of Americans: The risk is very, very low (really non-existent in my expert medical opinion). Young and healthy people (who unfortunately don’t vote for me) can expect to recover fully and quickly if they should get the virus. The highest risk is for elderly population with underlying health conditions. The elderly population must be very, very careful (and try to stay alive until November so you can vote for me).
Because of the economic policies that we have put into place over the last three years, we have the greatest economy anywhere in the world, by far (it had to come back to me at some point).
Our banks and financial institutions are fully capitalized and incredibly strong. Our unemployment is at a historic low. This vast economic prosperity (boy can I spin the bullshit)  gives us flexibility, reserves, and resources to handle any threat that comes our way (except electing a Democrat).
This is not a financial crisis (I’m an expert on that – see, e.g., my multiple bankruptcies), this is just a temporary moment of time that we will overcome together (please God, before November) as a nation and as a world (you ever notice how when things go wrong, it’s not all about me anymore).
Using emergency authority (and my Article 2 powers to  do whatever I want), I will be instructing the Treasury Department to defer tax payments, without interest or penalties, for certain individuals and businesses (mostly those who don’t need it) negatively impacted. This action will provide more than $200 billion of additional liquidity to the economy (and wouldn’t it be nice if I hadn’t already blown the deficit out of control with my rich guy tax cut).
We are at a critical time in the fight against the virus. We made a life-saving move with early action on China. Now we must take the same action with Europe. We will not delay. I will never hesitate to take any necessary steps to protect the lives, health, and safety of the American people. I will always put the well being of America first (and if you believe that, I have a failed casino to sell you and a bogus University for you to attend and a fake charity for you to contribute to and . . . I could go on for days here really).
If we are vigilant — and we can reduce the chance of infection, which we will — we will significantly impede the transmission of the virus. The virus will not have a chance against us (dramatic music rising in the background – I’m thinking theme from Patton).
No nation is more prepared or more resilient than the United States. We have the best economy, the most advanced healthcare, and the most talented doctors, scientists, and researchers anywhere in the world (and of course the best President – but that goes without saying).
We are all in this together. We must put politics aside, stop the partisanship (cancel the election), and unify together as one nation and one family (scum-sucking Democrats aside).
Our future remains brighter than anyone can imagine (I’ve gotta wear shades). Acting with compassion and love (and no one is more compassionate or loving than me – ask Stormy if you don’t believe me), we will heal the sick, care for those in need, help our fellow citizens (I asked for a picture of Jesus to be smiling at me from above, but they said no), and emerge from this challenge stronger and more unified (behind Trump that is) than ever before.

Cornyn Speaks – Red Translates

Sen. John Cornyn (Trumpian -Texas) gave his explanation for voting against a War Powers Resolution seeking to limit the ability of Trumph – the Insult Comic President –  to use authorization from 2001 to start a war with Iran.  The measure passed in the House and Senate, but Trump has vowed to veto it.

What I read this resolution (worthless piece of paper) to do is to try to tie the president’s hands (Lord knows we can’t keep him from grabbing Iran  – or anything else for that matter – by the pussy because he’s a star).  We’ve (me and the other spineless Trump sycophants) all seen enough of how Congress operates (money talks, bullshit walks) to say that Congress (meaning those despicable Democrats) doesn’t operate with the necessary efficiency (unless motivated by fraud, graft and corruption) to deal with a national security crisis (either real or made up to enhance Trump’s re-election chances) particularly involved in self-defense (or more importantly something that might affect my re-election).

Krazy Kay Tries to Rip Pelosi

Fort Worth Congresswoman and bootlicking sycophant Kay Granger did her best to suck up to her puppet master this week.  Krazy Kay was incensed after House Speaker Nancy Pelosi ripped up her copy of Trumph – the Insult Comic President’s State of the Union speech on Tuesday.  According to Granger it was  “appalling and shameful” and she introduced a resolution Thursday to formally condemn Pelosi.  Her stunt was rejected on a party-line vote.  Apparently, ripping up a copy of speech is repellent but ripping up the Constitution is okay as long  as a president of your party is doing the dirty work.  Granger has no problem with a President who routinely lies, bullies, abuses the power of his office, obstructs justice, claims dictatorial powers, uses the Presidency to enrich himself at the expense of taxpayers and openly seeks foreign interference in our electoral process.  Two dozen Republicans co-sponsored Granger’s resolution, including Texas whackdoodles Louie Gohmert of Tyler, Bill Flores of Bryan, Randy Weber of Friendswood, Pete Olson of Sugar Land, John Carter of Round Rock, and Kevin Brady of The Woodlands.  Granger is clearly desperate as she is seeking re-election and faces a serious challenger in the March Trumpian (f/k/a the GOP) primary.  Even though Trump endorsed her in December, KKG certainly should be worried that the mantle of presidential favor may be ripped from her as it has been for so many others.

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Our Crazy (believe me I know crazy), Do Nothing (she should be like me and put in that tough 4 hours day in and day out from about 11 am to about 3 pm)  Speaker of the House, Nervous Nancy Pelosi (good one huh?), who is petrified by her Radical Left (commie bastards) knowing she will soon be gone.  Tthey & Fake News Media are her BOSS (I have no idea what I mean by that), suggested on Sunday’s DEFACE THE NATION (I made that up on the spot – I can hardly stop laughing) that I testify about the phony Impeachment Witch Hunt (why is it never a Warlock hunt?). She also said I could do it in writing (as if I could actually write). Even though I did nothing wrong (and when I say that –  it’s the sure clue that I am up to my neck in crooked shit), and don’t like giving credibility (something I know nothing about) to this No Due Process Hoax (see how I change cleverly from Witch Hunt to Hoax – keeps ’em off guard – is it a Witch Hunt or a Hoax), I like the idea & will, in order to get Congress focused again (you know on punishing the poor and enriching guys like me), strongly consider it! (here is where my attorneys shit a cow before realizing that I am lying about testifying one more time – that will happen right after I voluntarily release my tax returns).

What have we learned?

The events of the past two to three months have left Red more or less speechless as the utter corruption of the reality TV show joke of a presidency that is the Trump White House is laid bare.  Red is not surprised – just speechless at how anyone could think this is acceptable behavior from a U.S. President and that this should continue a minute longer.  Now, however, Red is ready to step back and reflect upon what we have learned from what is now 3 years of the reign of President-Elect and President Trump.  Red thinks – not much.

It was always clear that Trump was a low-class grifter and pathological liar with a moral compass that perpetually points towards his bottom line.  It was always clear that if it ever came down to a choice between what is best for the country or what is best for Trump – that he would choose the latter without a moment’s reflection or regret.  It was always clear that he was a cruel bully who talked a good game but folded in the face of real opposition.  It was always clear that he was a profane, preening, philandering prick of a man.  It was always clear that he was an intense physical coward who could never conceive of anything beyond his own safety.  It was always clear that his overweening ambition was his only guiding principle to be pursued at the expense of whomever or whatever stood in the way of his cocoon of selfishness.  It was always clear that anything that interfered with his glorious and grandiose self-image must be attacked and utterly destroyed if at all possible.  It was always clear that he displayed every disgusting and dishonest attribute of the quintessential real estate con man.  It was always clear that when he was speaking he was lying.  It was always clear that his persona was that of a thin-skinned and petulant child.  It was always clear that someone with his level of amorality must have nothing but utter contempt for the “common man” who tries to do things honestly and correctly.  It was always clear that his braggadocio concealed a deep inner insecurity that eats at his very soul.  It was always clear that the only God he worships is that of money and the appearance of success.  It was always clear that he was a disloyal friend, colleague and employer who would cast anyone aside at anytime in order to save himself.  It was always clear that he held our institutions, customs and common bonds of citizenship in the lowest possible regard and that he would exploit any and all differences to drive a wedge in the body politic in order to advance his own agenda of self-aggrandizement.  It was always clear (from most of the above) that  he suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder of the most extreme form.  It was always clear that he was not stupid but willfully ignorant and unwilling to learn.  It was always clear that he would use the legal system to buy and bully his way out of trouble.  It was always clear that he cheats at golf.  It was always clear that he was a complete failure at most of his business ventures (Trump Air, Wine, Magazine, Steaks, University, Casinos, the New Jersey Generals, etc.) outside of some limited competency in real estate and that his only true success had been as a TV personality and in promoting his name as a brand.  It was always clear that he was absurdly unqualified and unsuited for the highest office in the land.

Perhaps what was less clear was that he would be completely subservient to foreign dictators and strong men. Perhaps what was also less clear was that almost every aspect of his foreign policy would be for the benefit of one of our great enemies – Russia – such that the only reasonable inference could be he was either a deep Putin plant or that he was terrified of something that might be revealed by Putin.  Perhaps what was also less clear is that he would betray and offend so many of our allies for no apparent reason (but see above re: Putin).  Perhaps what was also less clear was that his background story of being a near-completely self made man was a tale told by a fantasist. Perhaps it was less Clear that he had engaged in massive tax and bank fraud that would have landed anyone else in jail. Perhaps what was also less clear was the gullibility of so many Americans in sticking with this proven con man in the face of such complete betrayal of his oath of office.  Perhaps what was also less clear was the damage that electing such a man could do to the Republic.

At this point, Red is fairly much convinced that the U.S. as we have known it may not survive 8 years of Trump – 4 years will have done enough damage.  Red is also fairly convinced that is where the country is heading.  God help us all.

Donald Trump Reads Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution

Since most of you out there (much like Trump) won’t take the time to actually read Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, Red will give you the Article as Trump would read it – as if he could be bothered with such triviality.

The executive Power (totally unlimited despite what follows) shall be vested in a President of the United States of America (that’s me). He shall hold his Office (it’s all mine) during the Term of four Years  (or more if I feel like it), and, together with the Vice President (usually a bozo like Sleepy Joe), chosen for the same Term, be elected, as follows

Each State shall appoint, in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a Number of Electors, equal to the whole Number of Senators and Representatives to which the State may be entitled in the Congress: but no Senator or Representative, or Person holding an Office of Trust or Profit under the United States, shall be appointed an Elector (this stuff is only important because it’s the only way I could get elected). 

* * *

The Congress may determine the Time of chusing (good spelling) the Electors, and the Day on which they shall give their Votes; which Day shall be the same throughout the United States.

No Person except a natural born Citizen (hear that Lying Ted?), or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years (unless really hot like Ivanka!), and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States (or one of Jeffrey Epstein’s houses).

In Case of the Removal of the President from Office, or of his Death, Resignation, or Inability to discharge the Powers and Duties of the said Office (never gonna happen so forget this shit), the Same shall devolve on the Vice President, and the Congress may by Law provide for the Case of Removal, Death, Resignation or Inability, both of the President and Vice President, declaring what Officer shall then act as President, and such Officer shall act accordingly, until the Disability be removed, or a President shall be elected.

The President shall, at stated Times, receive for his Services, a Compensation (a pittance), which shall neither be encreased nor diminished during the Period for which he shall have been elected, and he shall not receive within that Period any other Emolument from the United States, or any of them (is that like an unguent?).

Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, he shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:—”I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States (as long as it doesn’t get in my way).”

Section. 2.

The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States (because, you know, I am really good at war), and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States; he may require the Opinion (as if I needed that – or would read it), in writing, of the principal Officer in each of the executive Departments, upon any Subject relating to the Duties of their respective Offices, and he shall have Power to grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offences against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment.

He shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate (pack of weasels), to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

The President shall have Power to fill up all Vacancies (I’ve filled a few vacancies in my life – if you know what I mean) that may happen during the Recess of the Senate, by granting Commissions which shall expire at the End of their next Session.

Section. 3.

He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union (totally great from the minute I took office – a complete shithole before that), and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient; he may, on extraordinary Occasions, convene both Houses, or either of them, and in Case of Disagreement between them, with Respect to the Time of Adjournment, he may adjourn them to such Time as he shall think proper; he shall receive Ambassadors and other public Ministers (please bring presents); he shall take Care that the Laws be faithfully executed (if I feel like it), and shall Commission all the Officers of the United States.

Section. 4.

The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors (pay no attention to this part).

Section 5

And most importantly, he can do whatever he wants to.