“Get me out of here.”
Donald Trumph – the Insult Comic President™ commenting as he walked off the stage at the G-20 Summit in Argentina.
Interestingly, at any given point in time about 55-60% of Americans would agree and gladly get him out of here. Red would agree as well but for the prospect of a Groveling Mike administration.
The latest craze (in the literal sense of the word) to hit the stuffed animal market is Trumpy Bear – an orange haired, red tie wearing, sort of scowling stuffed “grizzly bear” that unzips in the back to reveal an American flag. TB is not a spoof. It’s merely a joke of real product that fairly well mirrors the “Reality TV Show Joke of Presidency” that is the Trumph administration. TB is sold by a real Dallas-based company, Exceptional Products Inc. Exceptional Products is a “direct response” company. Such companies typically employ glib hucksters on extended TV commercials that urge gullible TV viewers to call now and get some miracle product that will enhance their lives in every possible way. One of the company’s signature products is Plaque Attack — a dental spray to remove plaque and cure bad breath of dogs and cats – a major scourge for our nation.
Fortunately for his readers, Red has the inside track on some of the lesser known features of Trumpy Bear.
Optional Russian flag to represent Trumpy Bear’s true allegiance.
Secret toy knife for backstabbing disloyal loyalists.
Pre-programmed to grab genitals of any woman with 8+ rating.
Not suitable for playing in the rain – might get hair mussed.
Big Mac secret sauce stains on tie.
Also available – Very hot Trumpy Bear Wife No. 4.
Made in China so as to Make America Great Again.
Free to Fox News employees.
Golf ball storage compartment in butthole. When your ball is lost and you don’t want to drop a stroke, TB secretly shits you a new one.
Red is now privy to a top-secret White House memorandum which outlines the fascinating process by which the Trumph administration vets and selects candidates to fill the most sensitive and important positions in the executive branch. As a marker of his efficiency, Trumph has streamlined the process which under previous presidents was unduly onerous and time consuming. It is now a straightforward four step inquiry.
- Does this person have a well-established track record as a conservative partisan political hack (bonus points for appearances on Fox News praising me – extra bonus points for being a Fox News employee)?
- Has this person engaged in unethical, fraudulent or questionable business practices involving the fleecing of average Americans?
- When push comes to shove, will this person set aside any moral convictions they might have, any allegiance to the rule of law or the U.S. Constitution, any consideration of past precedent or institutional norms and cover my fat ass at all costs without consideration of damage to their personal or political reputations?
- If yes, yes and yes – hire them!
The very fact that Omarosa is a major topic of news and that the country is breathlessly awaiting her next revelation is proof positive that Trumpf – The Insult Comic President [TM] is an incompetent buffoon. Only a complete fool would have hired this person for a position of responsibility with access to the White House and anyone who did absolutely deserves what they get.
“I’m Your Puppet” by Marvin Gaye
A long distance dedication from Donald to Vlad.
Snap your finger and I’ll turn you some flips, I’m your puppet
Your every wish is my command
All you gotta do is wiggle your little hand
I’m your puppet, I’m your puppet
Kiss me with your Commie Lips, kiss me (with apologies to Ian Drury and the Blockheads).
Hey Shortstack – what you standing on a milk crate?
Supreme Leader, huh? I like the sound of that.
Five stars – one for each of my kids and one for every relative you’ve offed.
Vlad saw this and boy was he jealous!
That jagged line symbolizes me ripping up the Constitution.
Melania knows a good surgeon that can take care of the double chin.
We make a deal and there’s a McDonalds in Pyongyang next week.
Really – you like K-Pop too?
This is my tough negotiator stare – used before I totally cave in to save face.
“The 13 Angry (and unfortunately competent – unlike the Bozos surrounding me) Democrats (aka Traitors) (plus people who worked 8 years for Obama (aka the Kenyan Terrorist) (and maybe for that idiot Bush too)) working on the rigged Russia Witch Hunt (And damn, why did I associate with so many witches), will be MEDDLING (or as some would have it – doing their job) with the mid-term elections (my last chance at escaping the pokey before I exit stage right), especially now that Republicans (stay tough!) (and proud we are of all of them) are taking the lead in Polls (God Bless Rasmussen). There was no Collusion, except by the Democrats (and Manafort, Page, Papadopoulos, DJ, Flynn, Stone, Mikey – oh shit, this list goes on doesn’t it)!”(and if I keep saying that long enough people will believe it – pretty cool, huh?)