Category Archives: President Trump

Trump Begs – Red Translates

No matter what insults Red hurls back at these emails from the Reality TV Show Joke of a President, they just keep coming. Here’s a recent favorite.

I need your help right now Friend (Sucker/Loser).

LIBERAL MEGA DONORS MAXED OUT contributions to Sleepy Joe and Phony Kamala Harris (When you got nothing – call ’em names) last month. They brought in $364 MILLION in August alone (HOLY SHIT!).

I’ll never be intimidated by these Radical Socialists (Soon to be Commies) and their dirty MEGA DONOR MONEY (But I can be bought off by my MEGA DONORS), but I can’t ignore that $364,000,000 in ONE MONTH is a massive amount of cash (At least 10 times my net worth).

The Liberals are funneling money (Like the Russians funneled money to my failing businesses) to their candidates at an alarming rate to try and take us down. They think they can intimidate us (Boy are they right) with their MAXED-OUT (I could put in the actual amount here but it would not be as impressive) contributions in the hope that they can buy their way into the White House (It’s only for sale by me). They couldn’t be more wrong (I’m actually scared shitless).

They may have Silicon Valley and HOLLYWOOD ELITES, but I’ve got something better. I have YOU (SUCKER/LOSER).
 

It’s the MOB (You know the US Mob – not the preferred Russian Mob that I deal with), THE MEDIA (Even those bastards at FOX News are leaving this sinking ship), THE HOLLYWOOD ELITES (God I wanted to be one of them so bigly), THE DEEP STATE (and the DEEPER STATE) and THE SWAMP (Anyone who disagrees with me) vs. YOU(SUCKER or LOSER – you pick this time). Let’s remind them that AMERICA IS NOT FOR SALE (Only my administration is for sale – and I’ll make you a deal on Melania if push comes to shove). This is YOUR COUNTRY NOT THEIRS (A house divided is really good for me).


With your help, I want to have our BEST ONLINE FUNDRAISING DAY EVER (Look it’s either pay me now or pay for my legal defense fund later). Your support is SO important that I’ve activated an UNPRECEDENTED 800%-MATCH on ALL contributions (the ultimate con-man come on – amazing how many fall for this) .

I’ve asked my team (Quarterbacked by Bill Barr) will send me a list of EVERY Patriot (Sucker/Loser) who steps up today (Does anybody run a grammar check on this crap?). I’ll be looking for your name, Friend (or Traitor if you don’t pay up). Will I see it (before the doors of the Gray Bar Hotel close in on me)?

Melania Speaks – Red Translates

Due to exigent circumstances, Red can’t take you all the way through FLOTUS Melania (“I don’t care, do you?) Trump’s attempt to shore up support for the Reality TV Show Joke of a President and Husband last night. The speech delivered from the denuded White House Rose Garden in violation of all political norms and probably the Hatch Act was delivered in her typical Ice Princess fashion such that it is impossible to believe that she actually believes most of the utter bullshit coming out of her mouth. Here goes nothing.

Blah, blah, blah . . .

I want to acknowledge the fact that since March, our lives have changed drastically (it looks more and more like Donald is going to prison). The invisible enemy, Covid-19, swept across our beautiful country and impacted all of us (mostly old poor people of color so no great loss but I digress). My deepest sympathy goes out to everyone who has lost a loved one and my prayers are with those who are ill or suffering (from the bottom of my ice cold heart). I know many people are anxious and some feel helpless (because of the incompetent leadership of my husband). I want you to know you are not alone. My husband’s administration will not stop fighting until there is an effective treatment or vaccine available to everyone (unless he has a tee time). Donald will not rest until he has done all he can to take care of everyone impacted by this terrible pandemic (again making exceptions for tee times). I want to extend my gratitude to all of the health care professionals, front line workers and teachers who stepped up in these difficult times (but please stay away from me). Despite the risk to yourselves and your own families, you put our country first and my husband and I are grateful (but will avoid you like the plague). I have been moved by the way Americans have come together (despite my husband trying to rip us apart) in such an unfamiliar and often frightening situation (that we were warned about and completely ignored as long as possible). It is in times like this that we will look back and tell our grandchildren that through kindness and compassion, strength and determination, we were able to restore the promise of our future (and explain why grandma and grandpa didn’t make it). Businesses stepped up (and promptly closed up shop), and volunteers stepped in (to the big pile of shit my husband made of this). People were eager to share ideas, resources, and support of all kinds with neighbors and strangers alike (while waiving guns in the faces of the non-whites).

Growing up as a young child in Slovenia, which was under communist rule at the time, I always heard about an amazing place called America — a land that stood for freedom and opportunity. As I grew older it became my goal to move to the United States and follow my dream of working in the fashion industry (and posing naked for money). My parents worked very hard to ensure our family could not only leave and prosper in America, but also contribute to a nation that allows for (nice white) people to arrive with a dream and make it reality (by marrying a rich old pervert). I want to take the moment to thank my mother and father (chain migrants) for all that they have done for our family. It is because of you that I am standing here today.I arrived in the United States when I was 26 years old (and really damn hot). Living and working in the land of opportunity was a dream come true, but I wanted more (than posing naked for money). I wanted to be a citizen. After 10 years of paperwork and patience (and living on an expired visa), I studied for the test in 2006 and became an American citizen.It is still one of the proudest moments in my life, because with hard work and determination I was able to achieve my own American dream (again girls, he may be disgusting but he has money, money, money). As an immigrant and a very independent woman (read the prenup), I understand what a privilege it is to live here and to enjoy the freedoms and opportunities that we have (when you marry a sugar daddy). As first lady, I have been fortunate to see the American dream come true over and over again (not only for me but for contributors to my husband’s campaign).

For many years, I watched him grow concerned and frustrated (no nookie at home and no porn stars to bang), and I’m so proud to see the many things he has done in such a short time (who else could have chipped away at the very foundations of our democracy so quickly). America is in his heart (and his pocketbook). So while at times, we only see the worst of people in politics on the evening news (that’s really nothing compared to what I get to see at home), let’s remember how we come together in the most difficult times (to make a buck). And while debate rages on about issues of race, let’s focus on the strides we have made and work together for a better tomorrow for everyone (but mostly for rich white folks).

As you have heard this evening, I do not want to use this precious time attacking the other side because as we saw last week, that kind of talk only serves to divide the country further (I obviously didn’t watch last night). I am here because we need my husband to be our president and commander in chief for four more years (that way he can stay out of prison for four years, not blow his money on lawyers and who knows he may be dead by 2024 if he keeps wolfing down Big Macs). He is what is best for our country (what’s good for General Bullmoose is good for the USA). We all know Donald Trump makes no secrets about how he feels about things (and feels things like pussy). Total honesty is what we as citizens deserve from our president (am I trying to sabotage his chances with this line or do I really think you will believe whatever bullshit these guys wrote for me), whether you like it or not, you always know what he is thinking (and believe me it’s even more disgusting than you could imagine). And that is because he is an authentic person (not a robot despite rumors to the contrary) who loves this country (and how much he can line his pockets as president) and its (rich white) people and wants to continue to make it better (to scarf up more bucks). Donald wants to keep your family safe (we need consumers), he wants to help your family succeed (MAGA hats now only $25). He wants nothing more than for this country to prosper and he doesn’t waste time playing politics (again who wrote this shit?).

Trump Begs – Red Translates

Red shares with you the latest from the daily onslaught of Trump campaign emails – with his usual translation for your EXCLUSIVE benefit. READ this today. DON’T WAIT. Act now and Red will match your reading pleasure. Let Red know that you stand with him. Okay, here goes:

“When children are [not in school] (you’ve got to wonder what the brilliant FOTUS actually said here – When children are not being taken hostage? – not being assaulted by school police?), they are missing more than just time in the classroom… (Absolutely correct – the US has gone almost 4 months without a school shooting – they are clearly missing the opportunity to dodge bullets) ”
– Melania Trump, First Lady of the United States

Friend,

Our First Lady is right (apparently really far right).

If schools around our Nation choose not to reopen soon (who knew we had so many sentient schools?), our children will miss so much more than just an education (see above) . The Invisible Enemy (okay people complained about my racist term for the virus so now I have a really clever new one – but the real invisible enemy would be my tax returns – good luck at ever seeing those) has already taken so much from our Country (I’ve obviously got to avoid talking about more than 100K that could have been prevented if I wasn’t such an imbecile – because it is so clear that I don’t give a shit about people and their silly little problems like unnecessary deaths. But what I really mean is that it has taken away my best shot at re-election) and we cannot allow it to take away our kids’ childhood too (soon they will be too old for even good ol’ Jeffrey Epstein).

As your President, I will not stand for that (I stand for the greater glorification of all things Donald J. Trump) America needs to get back on track (or my re-election is doomed).

It’s important that EVERY American (I almost choked on that one) comes together at a time like this to send a united message that SCHOOLS MUST RE-OPEN IN THE FALL (Again, my re-election comes first – the lives of your children are a such a small price to pay for another four years of my glorious leadership). I’m calling on YOU to make a public statement and add your name to stand with your President and our First Lady.

The Radical Left (the cancel everything party (Note from Red – Trump is apparently catching on to Red’s use of parentheses)) will try and keep our schools closed FOREVER (Where do I come up with this stuff? First, we claim that the schools are educating our children to by homo-loving Marxists and then I claim that Marxist homo-lovers want to keep the schools closed FOREVER – fortunately no one seems to pay attention to my BS). We need 1 MILLION signatures to show them where Real Americans (Democratic leftist pinkos need not apply) stand.

Thank you,

Donald J. Trump

Benedict Donald Wants Your Money

As Red has mentioned, the Greatest Con Man Who Has Ever Walked the Face of the Earth (aka Pres. Trump) somehow got Red’s email and now regularly – and by that Red means at least 5-6 times a day – sends an email begging for money. The typical email is filled to the brim with typical con man hype and Red finds it hard to believe that there is anyone who would fall for such utter bullshit. But then again, Trump – who clearly appears to be a traitor to our country – is still polling in the high 30’s, so as usual Red is behind the times. Here’s one of the latest most “con manny” emails with Red’s usual translation.

Friend (and by that I mean “mark”),

What I’m about to tell you is NOT public knowledge (except to the 5 million other marks who got this same email).

I am hosting a very important event soon (if I find time between rounds – maybe at the turn I can squeeze in 10 minutes) and I’ve requested that YOU (yes You) be my VIP guest. You’ve always been one of our TOP supporters, (despite having never given me a dime) so I’ve decided to do something extra special (Ivanka show the man what’s behind Curtain No. 1)…
 

I’ve unlocked an exclusive DOUBLE-ENTRY (see it’s like a game show) for YOU and YOU ONLY (and the 5 million)!
All you have to do is contribute ANY AMOUNT (but it had better be a lot) or more (a lot more) and you’ll automatically be entered TWICE to win a trip (yep, game show) to meet your favorite President (Lincoln’s dead so I’ll have to do) at my upcoming event (no mask required).

This offer is ONLY for you, Friend, so please DO NOT share this. (and if you are stupid enough to fall for this you probably won’t).

TRUMP PENCE MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN


Double-Entry: Unlocked. Meet President Trump. Contribute Now.

Remember, if you win (in addition to some lovely parting gifts),

  • We’ll cover your flight (a $500 value)
  • We’ll cover your stay at a very nice hotel (Trump Ramada Inn)
  • You’ll get VIP ACCESS (Virtually Ignored by President)
  • You’ll get to bring a guest of your choice (as long as she is young and hot)
  • And, you’ll even get to take a photo with me so we can remember it forever. (for a small additional charge).

This offer expires at 11:59 PM TONIGHT, Friend, so don’t wait until it’s too late.

This Didn’t Age Well

Red is on the Trump campaign’s email list.  From time to time, Red likes to share some of the joy coming from the Reality TV Show Joke of a President’s campaign begging – along with commentary of course.  Red got this one on Saturday.

I’m about to go on stage (because I’m playing the role of POTUS – the part of a lifetime)  in Tulsa, Oklahoma to hold my very first Trump MAGA Rally in three months (deprived of oxygen I am).

I know the Fake News media (now including Fox News) won’t ever tell you the FACTS (it must be true if I put it in ALL CAPS) about what’s REALLY (REALLY) going on in our Nation (total shit storm) or about all of my administration’s hard work (that’s 11 am to 3 pm at least 4 days a week) to Keep America Safe, (Hey, if we can’t be great at least let’s be safe) which is why tonight is so important (uh oh!).
But, before I get on that stage for what will be our most EPIC rally ever (it was epic all right), I need to know that you’re still in this fight with me (killing an Antifa member would prove it).

I’ve asked my team to hand me an updated list of donors (what a bunch of suckers) who choose to step up at this critical time (one foot in a prison cell and the other on a banana peel), and I’ll be disappointed (more disappointed than I am in Eric) if I don’t see your name on there (does anyone really believe this BS?).

I’m going to review the Presidential Donor List right before the rally starts (I’ll be sitting on the can for my traditional pre-show shit), and I want to see that Red from Texas gave to show your dedicated support (and if not fuck you and the horse you rode in on).

 

 

The Worst President?

Red was talking with Red Jr. the other day and a thought crossed his mind.  Red was thinking, “at least Lil’ Red is somewhat lucky in that he has already almost lived through the worst American President he will ever see in his lifetime in Donald Trump.”

Red was about to speak up but then another thought came to mind.  When Red was a young man, someone older and wiser might have said to him, “Red you have just lived through the Nixon presidency and you will never see a worse American president for the rest of your days.”

Red kept quiet because he now knows that Tricky Dick has been lapped by the field.

Cornyn Giving New Meaning to the Term Toadie

Sen. John Cornyn’s utter spinelessness in the face of another Trumpian stunt was on full display today.  Cornyn defended the use of tear gas and truncheons to clear the peaceful protesters in front of the White House yesterday so that Donald “Bunker Boy” Trump could have his photo op with “a Bible” in front of a church whose priest and bishop later denounced his actions.

Claiming that it was “for security purposes” Cornyn argued that BBT had the right to order tear gassing and forcible removal of protesters.  Cornyn claims that the protesters were asked to clear “but refused to do so.”   Notably, the 7 pm curfew was to kick in just a few minutes after Bunker Boy unleashed his shock troops on American citizens exercising their right to peaceably assemble.  But Trump is too important to wait a couple of minutes.

Cornyn then played the ultimate Trump card – going after the press.  According to Cornyn, the media is “never going to find any good or any positive development in anything.”  Well  Sen. Cornyn (Scumbag – TX), Red is looking hard to find the positive in using violent methods against peaceful protesters so that Bunker Boy can try to shed his cowardly image by walking across the street under an absurd amount of security to waive “a Bible” in front of the cameras.  A Bible that he probably could not quote a single word from and surely has never read unless forced to.

It is painfully obvious that Bunker Boy prefers groveling bootlicks and Cornyn is willing to lick long and hard.  How is the taste of leather John?   Please vote this embarrassment out of office in November.

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Red hasn’t had a big steaming bowl of Wolf Brand Chili or had the chance to translate the unbelievable gibberish of Pres. Trump in far too long.  So here goes.

Thank you.  Oh, that social distancing.  Look at you people all spread out, six feet (soon to be six feet under).  That’s pretty impressive.  But we like it the old way a little bit better, don’t we (much easier to grab ’em by the p#$$y when you’re closer)?

And we’ll be back.  We’ll be back to that soon, I think.  I really believe it (because if I believe something it must be true).  And we were received by thousands and thousands of people coming in.  And they came in from all over and all the way from the airport to here (all these wonderful people willing to die just for the chance to see me).  It was really something special.  So it was really great (but don’t expect me to come to your funerals).

In the heart of the Lehigh Valley — now, just so you know, I have brother who is a great brother.  Passed away a long time ago.  Fred (what a loser).  And he went to Lehigh University (like I said, loser)  I’ve been up here many times actually.  And I gave a commencement address years ago at Lehigh University (to other losers).  It’s a great school (for losers).  But whenever I think of this area, I think about my brother (and how I cut off his sick kids’ medical insurance after he died as revenge for them suing).

I was with some of your representatives.  Associates, they call themselves.  I don’t know — I assume if they’re associates, you’re all making the same money (a pittance I’m sure).  I hope so.   They call themselves associates.  Sounds nice, right (much better than sacrificial lambs for their corporate masters)?

But they’re talking about so much of the product now is made in the USA, whereas in the past, it wasn’t.  It wasn’t.  But they were talking about 90 percent — 80 to 90 percent is made — of what you distribute is now made in the USA, and that’s taken a long while for us to get it (I totally made this up).  I started that right from the beginning (and don’t bother to look at the statistics about the decline in American manufacturing – Fake News!).  It’s probably one of the major reasons that I’m here.  It’s called “America First.”  We want America first (first in deaths from COVID-19 anyway).  We love the world (except our former allies and the shithole countries).  We want America first (white America anyway).

Today we’re announcing a groundbreaking initiative to replenish and modernize our Strategic National Stockpile.  The cupboards were bare (not a Big Mac in sight).  You’ve heard me say it a lot (which is the first clue to know that it’s utter bullshit).  When we came into this administration, those cupboards were bare (see, I said it again).

From the moment this terrible virus reached our shores, each of you has worked relentlessly to get the vital supplies to our healthcare warriors (pay no attention to the six weeks that I tried to ignore the problem).  And they are warriors, aren’t they?  When you see them going into those hospitals and they’re putting the stuff that you deliver.  But they’re wrapping themselves (in garbage bags), and the doors are opening, and they’re going through the doors, and they’re not even ready to go through those doors.  They probably shouldn’t.  But they can’t get there fast enough (even Red can’t figure this one out).

And they’re running into death just like soldiers run into bullets, in a true sense.  I see that with the doctors and the nurses and so many of the people that go into those hospitals.  It’s incredible to see.  It’s a beautiful thing to see (Democrats dying).  But I really call them “warriors.”  We’re all warriors; everyone in our country is a warrior (and all you warriors better get ready because I’m starting a civil war if I lose in November).  We have to be because of what happened.  And it should have never happened (if there was a halfway competent person left in the White House).  It should have been stopped at the source.

Just as the men and women of Allentown have done in every generation — I know it well — the workers at this facility have answered the call in America’s hour of need (just like I did during Vietnam).  Many of you are working long before dawn.  You get up and you go to work, and long after midnight.  I know your hours.  I was talking to your people and your representatives.  They say, “You wouldn’t even…” — I’m saying, “What are the hours?”  They said, “You won’t even believe it.”  I said, “But I work those hours too (you  have to get up  pretty early to watch 12 hours of TV a day).  We all work.  We’re all working hard (or hardly working, huh!).”

Now as our country begins a safe and gradual reopening, we’re launching a monumental effort to replenish and rebuild the Strategic National Stockpile (who knew such a thing existed).  We also did that, by the way, with fuel.  When oil went down, we replenished our Strategic National Reserve.

And we got it for a great price (buy low – sell high).  Would you believe what went on with fuel?  But now it’s starting to go back, and we’re saving our energy industry, because people didn’t need too much gasoline when there were no cars on the road.  And I said to the governors — I said, “You know, there are no cars on the road.  This is a good time to fix your highways.  Fix your highways now.” (absolutely no one else thought of this)  Some did and some didn’t.  Right?  They didn’t (Democrats).  They were worried that two people working 35 feet away from each other or driving a tractor, or whatever they might be doing, they’ll catch the virus (what a bunch of weenies).

But the ones that did were really helped because you went from being these massive traffic jams to having no traffic (yes, they fixed all of their traffic problems in 2 months).  And I can tell you Florida was a state (finally I said something correct – Florida is a state).  Great governor.  And Ron was — was — he told me he; he said, “I’m doing it.”  I said, “That’s a good thing.”  Not everybody did it.  Ron DeSantis of Florida.  Governor of Florida (I lose Florida and its game over).

Under the previous administration, the Stockpile was depleted and never fully refilled (ignore that I had 3 years to do that).  Most of the N95 masks were distributed during the N1H1 (should have let them die then).  Now, you know who says that, right?  “N1H1.”  Who says that?  Sleepy Joe Biden (because you should always ridicule your opponent)   Remember?  He said the “N1H1.”  I said, “Isn’t it the other way around?”  They said, “Yes, sir.”  But he said it, so it doesn’t make any difference.  (once again, Red is at a loss here)

But during the H1N1 — and that’s the swine flu — and it was a pandemic in ’09 that was not well handled at all (at least one person died).  It got very poor marks (and I have a bridge to sell you).

Never again will another President inherit empty shelves or expired products (again ignore my first 3 years).  At least — hopefully, in five years you’re talking about.  It may be 9 years, it may be 13 years (I’ll still be President).  But you’ll never have to deal with empty shelves, and you’ll never have to deal with a depleted military (always pivot to the military)  The military that we took over was depleted and in horrible shape (despite spending more than the rest of the world combined).  We’ve now spent $1.5 trillion rebuilding our military (so that we can cut and run from everywhere in the world)  We have the strongest military we’ve ever had, by far (World War II was nothing).  And this is a good time to have it too (remember second civil war coming)

Sorry, Red really can’t take anymore of this right now.

You could knock Red over with an AK-47

Current polling indicates that the Lone Star State is in play for November.  As reported by the Dallas Morning News – not exactly a bastion of left-wing reporting – Trumph – the Insult Comic President and Joe Biden are in a statistical deadheat.

A new Dallas Morning News/University of Texas at Tyler poll shows that Trump and Biden are backed by 43% of poll respondents, with 5% opting for “other” candidates and only 9% undecided. Trump’s overall approval rating was 45%.

Red really will have to engage in some willing suspension of disbelief before he buys into the notion that Uncle Joe has a chance to carry Texas.  But if that well-below 50% approval rating holds, Trump’s reality TV show joke of a Presidency is in serious trouble.  If this polling is accurate and holds through the summer, then Trump absolutely must  divert some of his massive campaign war chest to Texas – a state he must win to prevail in 2020.  The result will be less time and resources to devote to the other “Battleground States” that are also critical to Trump being able to stay in office and out of the pokey.

Brother Trump’s Traveling Salvation Show

As Red has acknowledged, Trump is without doubt the greatest con man who has ever walked the face of the earth.  But as Red has also acknowledged it is hard to keep the con going for the long haul.  In presidential terms, the long haul is anything beyond the first six months or so.

Trump’s cons on the American people have been extensive.  In no particular order he has conned a good portion of Americans into believing: (1) his massive tax cut was not an enormous give back to the wealthiest among us and would benefit the middle class; (2) we are winning trade wars that would benefit working Americans; (3) Russia did not interfere in the 2016 election to help him get elected; (3) our military was in a shambles until Trump took over; (4) he is a self-made man who received a mere pittance of a $1 million loan from his father when he actually inherited more than $400 million in current dollars; (5) he is an expert on the military, science, climate change, foreign policy, economics and any other subject that happens to come up; (6) North Korea is no longer a threat; (7) Ukraine intervened to attempt to get Hillary elected; (8) it was a perfect telephone call; (9) he has drained the “swamp” in DC; (10) he is an extremely stable genius.

But now we have entered in what can only be called the “Snake Oil” phase of Trump’s Reality TV Show Joke of a Presidency.  Faced with a real crisis, Trump clearly has no plan of action.  He lurches from moment to moment falling prey to whatever the Fox or OAN talking heads are saying.  First it was hydroxychlorquine that would be the miracle cure all that would rid of the scourge of COVID-19.  Hallelujah Brother!  Then it was a combination of that chemical with a Z-Pack that cure what ails us.  Can I get an Amen? Then it was that the virus would just magically disappear in April. A Miracle Cure Indeed!  But the latest and greatest of Trump’s con on America is something that would make even the most jaded con man blush.  We can now be healed and brought back to vitality simply by injected ourselves with disinfectant and somehow lighting up our insides.  Wash Me Clean Sister!  Red is reeling in the pure ecstasy of Trump’s divine revelation.  Red will be retiring to his private tanning bed and mainlining some Mr. Clean.

But seriously folks, Trump is nothing more than a pure Snake Oil salesman.  He isn’t traveling anymore but he has his own reality TV show.  But if this latest utter farce does not reveal Trump as the dishonest huckster that he is and always has been – there is no hope for us.   If you are still considering voting for this piece of walking human filth in November – you are an IDIOT.  There is no other way to put it.