Red knows he said he might have already done this for the last time with Trump in office, but oh what the hell – it’s almost too easy.
I would like to begin by addressing the heinous attack on the United States Capitol (instigated by yours truly). Like all Americans, I am outraged by the violence, lawlessness and mayhem (mostly because it didn’t work). I immediately deployed the National Guard and federal law enforcement (well, it was immediately after I refused to do it and Weaselly Mike did it instead but details, details) to secure the building and expel the intruders (aka Trump Voters). America is and must always be a nation of law and order (me leaving office will certainly help restore that). The demonstrators (who I love) who infiltrated the Capitol have defiled the seat of American democracy (second only to Trump Tower). To those who engaged in the acts of violence and destruction (it sure was fun to watch until it wasn’t), you do not represent our country (you represent me). And to those who broke the law, you will pay (and if you thought for a minute that I wasn’t going to throw your asses under the bus to try and save me – well, you haven’t been paying very close attention now have you).
We have just been through an intense election and emotions are high (mostly because of my bullshit and lies but Canadian Ted helped too). But now tempers must be cooled and calm restored (only because this totally backfired on me and I am in really deep doo-doo). We must get on with the business of America (keeping my ass out of jail). My campaign vigorously pursued every legal avenue (and a number of illegal ones but why quibble) to contest (and flat lie about) the election results. My only goal was to ensure the integrity of the vote (and steal the election if at all possible). In so doing, I was fighting to defend American democracy (and keep my ass out of jail). I continue to strongly believe that we must reform our election laws to verify the identity and eligibility of all voters and to ensure faith and confidence in all future elections (the faith and confidence that I have worked tirelessly to destroy in hopes of keeping my ass out of jail).
Now, Congress has certified the results (led by that son of a bitch McConnell). A new administration will be inaugurated on January 20 (I would vomit in my mouth if I said Joe Biden’s name here). My focus now turns to ensuring a smooth orderly and seamless transition of power (and keeping my ass out of jail). This moment calls for healing and reconciliation (or if there is the slightest chance it would keep me in office and keep my ass out of jail for four more years some violence would be okay too). 2020 has been a challenging time for our people (because of my utter incompetence and stupidity but let’s move on from that). A menacing pandemic has upended the lives of our citizens (and more importantly my march to re-election which would have kept my ass out of jail), isolated millions in their homes (my hotels are fucking dying man), damaged our economy and claimed countless lives. (a hundred thousand dead here – a hundred thousand dead there – I mean really, what’s the big deal?). Defeating this pandemic and rebuilding the greatest economy on earth will require all of us working together (the white people anyway). It will require a renewed emphasis on the civic values of patriotism, faith, charity, community and family (because everyone of those was missing in my administration). We must revitalize the sacred bonds of love and loyalty that bind us together as one national family (I tried to kill those off but was not entirely successful).
To the citizens of our country, serving as your president has been the honor of my lifetime (right behind that ace I made on the 8th hole at Trump National). And to all of my wonderful supporters (many of whom are probably going to jail), I know you are disappointed (but more importantly think how I feel), but I also want you to know that our incredible journey is only just beginning (and I just might see you in jail). Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America (bitches).