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Red’s Weekly NFL Rankings – Week 13

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A short work week, but an action packed (more or less) 3 days of NFL excitement (more or less).

  1. Detroit Lions – Beating the Colts is like – Well Red doesn’t know what it is like, but it isn’t anything to get too excited about.
  2. Buffalo Bills – Getting turnovers and scoring a lot more points than your opponents is Red’s Week 13 Recipe for Success.
  3. Kansas City Chiefs – Word of advice from Red, don’t use up all of your lucky breaks in the regular season.
  4. Philadelphia Eagles – Could easily be in the 3rd spot and currently have the inside track to the NFC Championship.
  5. Minnesota Vikings – 50 count ’em 50 combined takeaways and sacks. But why haven’t they blocked any kicks?
  6. Green Bay Packers – Are in the 6th spot only because the Stealers lost to the Browns. The Browns!
  7. Pittsburgh Stealers. Lost to the Browns. The Browns!
  8. Baltimore Ravens – Got a much needed win against the triple reverse time zone hex against the Chargers. But guys, 8-4 and counting is maybe going to get you the No. 5 seed.
  9. Los Angeles Chargers – Still in the mix in the AFC West.
  10. Denver Broncos – Also in the mix in the AFC West.
  11. Washington Commanders – Looked pitiful against a pitiful Cowboys squad. Special teams sucked.
  12. Houston Texans – Losing to the Titans at home and now swirling the drain in a weak division. 2-3 wins should secure another useless AFC -South Banner at NRG.
  13. Seattle Seahawks – The best of the mediocre 6-win teams still having a shot at the playoffs.
  14. Arizona Cardinals – Lost to the Seahawks officially making them the second best of the mediocre 6–win teams still having a shot at the playoffs.
  15. Atlanta Falcons – Remaining a mediocre 6-win team still having a shot at the playoffs by virtue of a bye week.
  16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Proving that you can’t quite make it through half of the teams before you have to pick a team with a losing record. Parity!
  17. Miami Dolphins – Finally have most of the pieces in place and got a nice warm up game against the hapless Patriots. Red really enjoys writing “hapless Patriots.”
  18. San Francisco 49ers – Ugly, ugly, ugly loss to the Packers. Ugly, ugly, ugly prospects right now.
  19. Los Angeles Rams – Right about where they should be.
  20. Indianapolis Colts – 1-4 over the last five. Red can hear the faint cries for “Flacco Joe, Flacco Joe.”
  21. Cincinnati Bengals – Somewhere Joe Burrow is singing “If I only had a defense.” Not sure the Wizard can help you Joe.
  22. New Orleans Saints – The top sub-mediocre team.
  23. Chicago Bears – The exemplar of sub-mediocre teams.
  24. Dallas Cowboys – Is a two game win streak possible? Stay tuned, we will find out tomorrow.
  25. Tennessee Titans – Win over Texans will be the highlight of the season most likely.
  26. Carolina Panthers – Actually showing signs of life in excellent showing against the favorite of the Gods – i.e. the Chiefs.
  27. Cleveland Browns – Long suffering Browns fans continue to suffer.
  28. Las Vegas Raiders – Coming up snake eyes.
  29. New York Jets – Sad.
  30. New England Patriots – Sadder
  31. New York Giants – Saddest
  32. Jacksonville Jaguars – Beyond sadness at this point.

Red’s 2024 NFL – Week 5 Rankings

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A bit late but here goes.

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Still winning, still top of the heap.
  2. Minnesota Vikings – It’s kind of sad that there are only two undefeated teams after 4 games.
  3. Detroit Lions – Goff going 18 for 18 passing is going to get a W.
  4. Buffalo Bills – Rather a large hiccup against the resurgent Ravens last week. First loss by more than 10 points in 43 games.
  5. Baltimore Ravens – Better than the Bills right now, but still 2-2.
  6. Houston Texans – CJ Stroud leads big comeback to push the Texans back up in Red’s rankings. AFC South is there for the taking.
  7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Serious bay beat down off the Eagles.
  8. Washington Commanders – Red can scarcely believe his lying eyes. Will it last in DC?
  9. Pittsburgh Stealers – The curse of Flacco Joe holds steady in Steal Town.
  10. Seattle Seahawks – Losing to the Lions is not the end. Geno is playing lights out even in defeat.
  11. Green Bay Packers – Ready to Pack it in? Did you see what Red did there?
  12. Philadelphia Eagles – Trending in the wrong direction without their big talent.
  13. San Francisco 49ers – Beating the Pats. BIg Whoop!.
  14. New Orleans Saints – Trending in the wrong direction with their big talent.
  15. Indianapolis Colts – Sing it with Red – Flacco Joe, Flacco Joe, Flacco Joe – he’s got the Mo. Everybody!
  16. Los Angeles Chargers – Lots of injuries, but really should be better than 2-2.
  17. Atlanta Falcons – Always good to beat the Saints.
  18. Denver Broncos – Maybe there is life after death?
  19. Dallas Cowboys – Maybe there is death after life?
  20. Cincinnati Bengals – One day Red hopes to spell Cincinnati correctly the first time. Losing to the Panthers and the Red Rifle is a harbinger of doom.
  21. New York Jets – What a sad excuse for an offense right now.
  22. Chicago Bears – Caleb Williams handled Rams’ blitzkrieg. But will the Bears ever score a TD in the 1st Q?
  23. Las Vegas Raiders – The most inconsistent team at the quarter pole.
  24. Arizona Cardinals – Give me D! Give me an E! Give me an F! And stop there because the Cards defense deserves an F.
  25. Tennessee Titans – Defense shuts down an overmatched Dolphins offense. T. Hill frustrated.
  26. New York Giants – It seems having a supersized human as your team mascot is not a good look this season. See No. 25.
  27. Cleveland Browns – Red is taking a pass. Which is more than the Browns can do right now.
  28. Carolina Panthers – Red, Red, Rifle.
  29. New England Patriots – Week 1 win over the Bengals would look curious but for the Bengals sucking.
  30. Cincinnati Bengals – Speaking of sucking . . .
  31. Miami Dolphins – Making lots of pundits look bad.
  32. Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jags lick the sweat off a dead man’s balls.