Thank you for having me here this morning. It’s great to be here with all these religious leaders – of course, it’s even greater for you to be here with me. This gathering is a testament to the great customs of our nation and I will be with you here until they carry me out in a box or I am ridden out of town on a rail.
Thanks for the words from Senate Chaplain. Is that an appointed position? Screw the Senate, you’re reappointed for another year or until you say something I don’t like.
So instead of talking about important issues, let’s talk about me. How about the great introduction from Mark Burnett – producer of my incredible show The Apprentice – which was the greatest and most-watched show in TV history until I had to leave to run for President and it went down the shithole when that moron Arnold took over. Let’s all pray for that pathetic Austrian son of a bitch.
And here’s Mike Pence – my vice-president. He was a total nobody until I picked him. He would have shoveling shit back in Indiana but for me – remember that Mikey.
You know I was raised in a churching home. We went all the time. I figured I am good for the rest of my life so that’s why you won’t see me in your churches any time soon. Nowadays, I prefer to worship at the Temple of the First Fairway.
Okay, here at the Prayer Breakfast let’s talk about war. We are going to kick the everloving shit out of ISIS – just like Jesus would want. And I will be there for every family who has to sacrifice a son, daughter, father or mother in any wars that I start to deflect attention from my otherwise utter incompetence. I will be there for you – unless you criticize me like those Khan shitheads – and then I will bring the wrath of God down upon you – or at least a bunch of Trump loyalist goons.
Finally, the Johnson amendment – you know the one that keeps preachers from talking politics on the pulpit. I’m getting rid of that. And when I do, every last one of you better endorse me. First Amendment be damned. Be goddamned in fact.
It’s been great being here. God bless America, but more importantly God bless Trump.