Red’s NFL Picks – Week 5

“Football is not a contact sport; it’s a collision sport. Dancing is a good example of a contact sport.”

Duffy Daugherty

Apparently, Duffy never went into the mosh pit.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 18-6.

Your Fox(boro)trot Pick of the Week: Patriots over Cowboys. Okay, this game is actually in Arlington, but it might as well be in the friendly confines of Foxboro as far as the Patriots are concerned. The Patriots seem to be untouchable right now and Red expects that to last for another 4 or 5 games before they start to come back to earth. The Cowboys on the other hand have so many problems that Red doesn’t know where to start or how to stop grinning. If Red’s Texans are going to stink, the smell is slightly assuaged by an even bigger odor wafting down from the Metroplex. Don’t over analyze this one. The Pats are just better than everyone else right now and will lose only if they beat themselves. The Pats have been scoring at will, but at 49.5, Red likes the under this week. New England 31 Arlington 13.

Your Texas Two-Step Pick of the Week: Colts over Texans. This is painful for Red, but he has to call them as he sees them. As weak and pathetic as the Colts look(1-3), as sorry as A. Luck has been (31st in Total QB Rating ahead of only Alex Smith), as tired and old as Andre Johnson looks (0 receptions in last 2 games), as porous their bottom-tier defense looks (27th ranked), as non-existent as their rushing attack seems (more fumbles than touchdowns), and as ready for the picking as they will ever be, Red still can’t go there in the face of a Texans team that just plain sucks right now. Maybe Arian Foster will come around, maybe quarterback play will be acceptably mediocre, maybe the once-vaunted defense will show some spine, maybe the loss of the number 2 and 3 receivers won’t kill the passing attack, but that is a lot of maybes for a team that is lost in the woods.  This is a Pick ‘Em right now. Red picks the Colts. Indianapolis 13 Houston 9.

Your Do the Hustle Pick of the Week: Giants over 49ers. This week’s triple-forward time zone hex game is an easy pick even without the latent longitudinal bias working in favor of the Giants. The Niners are last in the league in passing offense. The NFL is a passing league. ‘Nuff said. Still Red wouldn’t touch Giants minus 7 with a 100 yard pole. New Jersey 27 Santa Clara 10.

You’re It Takes Two to Tango Pick of the Week: Bengals over Seahawks. Bengals want to play with the big boys – well, they get their chance this week. Red Rifle desperately needs a big game in a big game against a big time opponent. Check, check, check. Red calls the Bengals eking one out in the NFL Game of the Week. When the Bengals win this one, watch out – Red will call the Bengals to go 13-3 and may have to file an amended pre-season Superb Owl prediction. Cincinnati 29 Seattle 27.

Your Pennsylvania Polka Pick of the Week: Eagles over Saints. Saints proved they could beat a crippled Cowboys team last week. This week they face an Eagles squad that may finally be getting some legs underneath it.   A Chip Kelly team is not going to remain in the bottom quartile of NFL offenses for the entire season. This could be the break out game. However, if the Eagles cannot beat the Saints at home, then watch out, the whiskey bottles will be flying in Philly. It’s a hefty 49.5, but take the over, over, over. Philadelphia 45 New Orleans 27.

Your Can-Can Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Buccaneers. This week’s Shit Bowl feature two regular denizens of these Foul Floridian Fecal Fights. Who will stink worse this week, Blake Bortles or Jameis Winston? Red can only feign interest for so long.   Child proof the house lest ye be tempted to add some Drano to your Margarita to end the misery if you dare watch more than 5 minutes of this one. Jacksonville 17 Tampa Bay 13.

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