For those of you who missed it, here are some highlights – as always brought to you via Red Translates:
Hello, Look at this crowd. There must be 16 million people here including that Black dude behind me with the “Blacks for Trump 2020” sign. You sir, are a great American because you love me. Because you love me.
And those who don’t love me – what a bunch of pathetic losers. Sad! Like Flaky Jeff Flake. I just made that up – pretty good, huh? He likes to write books. Books are for losers. I haven’t read a book since 10th grade and look at me. And John McCain – he can’t even keep his ship out of trouble. By the way, did you know that he spent six years in prison – that’s right prison.
But those who do love me, like Sheriff Joe Arpaio – they are the winners. Nothing is going to happen tonight, but Joe – you don’t have anything to worry about. I will be sending you a beautiful gift basket of Trump Wine and Trump Steaks when you are in the Big House. Delicious stuff, let me tell you. Maybe you will see Crooked Hillary and beat her up when you are there.
Okay, we’re in Arizona. Let’s get to the wall. We are building that wall. A beautiful wall that will keep those murdering thieving rapist child beaters out of our country. The good people will still be allowed in – maybe next century. If I have to shut down the government and people starve and die, I will do it because we must build that wall. It’s really the only thing I know how to do. Build stuff and stiff subcontractors.
Afghanistan. You know I inherited a mess from the war that Obama started there. Another Democrat war and we know that Democrat wars are bad. And sad! I am going to bomb the ever-loving shit out of those bastards. I just got word that our bombing campaign has killed almost 500 civilians. Isn’t that great. If that happened in our country there would be rioting in the streets, but those dumb assholes just sit back and take it. God, I love war. Let’s hear it for our brave fighting men that I am going to send off to die to increase my favorability rating in the polls. They all love me too and really want to die for me if will help me look better.
And the Media. What a bunch of lying weasels. Which is really an insult to all weasels. You know how to tell the difference between a sack of shit and a bunch of NY Times reporters? The shit smells pretty good by comparison. Filthy disgusting vermin. I went to better schools than them. I made better grades. I banged the cheerleaders and that hot English teacher. They aren’t fit to lick the shit off my hand-crafted Italian shoes. I hate the First Amendment. If you see a reporter tonight, punch him in the nuts for me.
Okay what’s left? Oh yeah, the Nazis. I condemned the Nazis despite my German heritage. I know they love me – but who doesn’t? Can I help if it Nazis and white supremacists love me and take comfort from my words? Everyone knows the Nazis are okay until they get riled up by those Antifa a-holes with their black clothes and clubs. What do you expect a Nazi to do – sit back and take it like an Afghanistan villager?
Okay have I thrown enough red meat out tonight. Yes. Good, I really can’t pretend I care about you poor slobs for more than about an hour at a time, so I better get out of here.
God bless America. But more importantly, God bless me. Goodnight.