The latest missive to hit Red’s inbox is particularly juicy. Read on.

Friend,

We are living in dark and scary times (I’m not dead or in prison yet)…

This is a GIANT Scam (take it from a professional scammer), a SICK continuation of the greatest Witch Hunt in United States history (except of course for the actual Witch Hunts – so a few skanks got burned at the stake – big deal).

The FBI raid of my home was a complete weaponization (or lawful exercise as the case may be) of the Justice Department, FBI, Democrat District Attorneys, and Attorney Generals (everybody hates me, nobody likes me, think I’ll go eat worms). It was controlled by the VERY SAME PEOPLE (those commie bastards) that brought you Russia, Russia, Russia, Mueller, Impeachment Hoax 1, Impeachment Hoax 2, and more (pay no attention to the fact that I repeatedly asked for Russia’s help and got it, tried to extort the leader of another country to help my campaign, and fomented and supported an insurrection to overturn a lawful election – those are mere details).

This is unlike ANYTHING that has ever happened to a former President (because no other President tried to pull off such shit and oops did I just admit I’m not the rightful president), and the American people will not stand for “Weaponization” (my new favorite word) any longer.

Friend, you have been with me since the very beginning, so I am calling on you to PUBLICLY STAND WITH ME (but not too close with your germs and diseases).

Together, Republicans will WIN in November, and we will END these corrupt WITCH HUNTS against YOUR President (there, I corrected myself).

I’m counting on you, Friend (or if you prefer Rube, Sucker, Dupe or Moron). The Democrats don’t want us to win – they want to stay in power and control you (well duh!). WE CAN’T LET THEM (THEY MIGHT PUT ME IN JAIL WHERE I BELONG)!

Please contribute ANY AMOUNT IMMEDIATELY to make a statement that the Left will NEVER take me down (because there is no end to the con that I am running).

Thank you (for being such a fool),

Donald J. Trump
45th President of the United States (Federal Prison ID number yet to be assigned)