The latest missive from the twice-impeached and hopefully soon to be indicted Realty TV Show Joke of a Former President.

Friend (or rube, sucker or mark – your choice),

I need to speak with YOU (and your checkbook).

The 2024 Presidential Election will be the most HISTORIC in our Nation (because I will be the first ever to lose the popular vote three, count ’em three times). It will be the day that we will take back (or steal if need be) our Nation from the radical Left (commies to the man) and put the needs of the American people FIRST (meaning my bottom line).

Remember, this will not be my campaign (I aint funding this boondoggle). This will be our campaign all together (my lies, insults and depraved ranting and your money). Because the only force strong enough to defeat the massive corruption (and I know about corruption) we are up against (I gotta stay out of jail) is you the American People (and most importantly your money).

According to my Official Patriot Records (kept securely in a closet at Mar-A-Lago), YOU are one of the Top Patriots in YOUR AREA (what an honor). Because of this, I need YOU to update your records and complete the Official 2024 Trump Agenda Survey (which of course ends with you giving me money).

I made big promises to the American People in 2016 (forget about Mexico paying for the Wall, a great new health care plan, draining the swamp, locking her up and other foolish things I said), and unlike other presidents, I KEPT THEM (who are you going to believe me or your lying eyes). I intend to do it AGAIN, but I need YOUR input (read MONEY!!!!!! – that’s what I want, I want MONEY!!!!)

Please complete this form and have your Official 2024 Trump Agenda Survey response recorded by MIDNIGHT TONIGHT (an artificial deadline is always important in a con game).

Under Biden and the Radical Democrats, America has been mocked, derided, and brought to its knees (unlike when I was the most hated man in the world), perhaps like never before in our history (the Civil War twas but a flesh wound). But, it does NOT have to be this way (you can have your favorite wannabe dictator back).

Two years ago, we were a great Nation (that is, if you like recession, an out of control pandemic, corruption in the Oval Office, complete fools running stuff, Q-Anon, and pandering to almost every dictator on the globe)—and soon, we will be a great nation again (after I get stomped in 24 or am locked up in the pokey).

Friend, I don’t trust anyone else’s input (now that Ivanka and her idiot husband have abandoned this sinking ship) as much as I trust YOURS (money talks and bullshit walks), which is why I need you to URGENTLY complete my 2024 Trump Agenda Survey RIGHT AWAY (and don’t forget that last question where you have to donate money to me).

Hurry and complete this form to update your Official 2024 Trump Agenda Survey records so that I can review (throw away) your answers (and pocket your money).

Thank you,

Donald J. Trump