Red’s NFL Picks – Week 5
“Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen, soccer is a gentlemen’s game played by beasts and US football is a beastly game played by beasts.”
Then what the hell is Australian Rules Football?
Red Rates Himself – Last week 5-1. For the season 23-7. Breathe on knuckles, rub on chest.
Your Beast of the East Pick of the Week: Patriots over Colts. Betting against the Patriots right now is like hitting on 19 when the dealer is showing a 10. You are going to lose. A team that makes LaGarrette Blount (aka the Fat Pig) look like a Pro-Bowl running back has so many tricks under the hoodie that you can’t even begin to imagine what they might pull out next. Meanwhile, the Colts may just have to be considering whether Matt Hasselbeck might be the answer to making this season relevant in the downbeat AFC South. So far the 40-year old husband of Fox & Friends star Elizabeth Hasselbeck (and if you haven’t watched Fox & Friends you are missing out on some great comedy as it features 2 of the stupidest people to ever appear on TV – but Red digresses) has been a better player than A. Luck, but Red doubts that Tony the Pagan would have the nerve to make that call. Well, this week it doesn’t matter. The Patriots are rolling along and the Colts are just another bump in the road. Red would take the Pats if they were giving away 20 – at minus 7.5 it seems like a no-brainer and that is when you have to watch out. The over is a hefty 55 which may be the largest number all season and to be avoided on principle. New England 44 Indianapolis 13.
Your Bigfoot Pick of the Week: Panthers over Seahawks. Loyal readers know that Red rarely ignores the triple reverse time zone, inverse latitudinal hex factor at work against the Panthers this week. But, rules are made to be broken. Red picked the Seahawks to make the playoffs but they are playing scared right now. There is no way the Panthers (even at 5-0) should win this one, but they appear to be in the running for Red’s 2015 “Team of Destiny”. If that don’t jinx ‘em nothing will. Red won’t touch this one, but hypothetically he would take Panthers plus 7 and seriously consider the under at 41. Carolina 19 Seattle 17.
Your King Kong Pick of the Week: Bengals over Bills. Another decent candidate for NFL Game of the Week and tops on Red’s personal viewing list this week. Red Rifle has another chance to show his chops against yet another vaunted defense. If the Bengals win this one and RR looks even halfway decent, he will started getting some run in the elite QB conversation. The way Red looks at it – if Tony Romo is elite then how is the Red Rifle not? Bills defense is still troublesome, but the offense is merely troubled. Who starts this week with Taylor possibly out? Red doesn’t like the Bengals giving up 3.5. Paradoxically, Red doesn’t’ like the Bills getting 3.5. You figure it out. Cincinnati 27 Buffalo 24.
You’re Gargantuan Pick of the Week: Titans over Dolphins. Among the many candidates for this week’s Shit Bowl, but still unworthy. Mariota all but disappeared in last week’s loss to Buffalo but still had 100 yards more passing than Taylor (187 to 76). The Titans are coming off of two losses by a total of three points – so the 1-3 record is a bit deceiving. There is nothing deceiving about the abysmal Dolphins who are bad on both sides of the ball and have no running game. Titans must win this one to keep pace with the rest of the god-awful AFC South – a task which resembles keeping up with a two-legged dog. Red will take the over at 43. Tennessee 29 Miami 21.
Your Chupacabra Pick of the Week: Cardinals over Stealers. This is your surprising NFL Game of the Week. Other than the blowout win against the Niners, the Stealers have been down to the wire in every game this season with each game decided by a score or less. On the other hand, except for the close loss to the Rams, the Cards have been spanking every team they have faced winning by an average of 25 points. The Stealers won’t let that happen, but will struggle to keep up with the high-flying Cardinals offense. With tired old Michael Vick under center, the Stealers must rely on Le’Veon Bell to carry the ball 35 times and eat some clock. He is certainly capable of doing that – even against the Cards outstanding defense. But it won’t be enough. The Cards have just enough to overcome a pesky Stealers team playing for a wildcard berth. Red likes Cardinals giving up 3 on the road, but won’t touch the over/under at 44.5. Arizona 26 Pittsburgh 21.
Your Gog and Magog Pick of the Week: Texans over Jaguars. This week’s Shit Bowl could have gone to so many games with deserving entrants – Titan/Dolphins, Ravens/Niners, Bears/Lions, to name a few. But the Texans and the Jaguars get the dishonor this week. The Texans keep finding ways to lose no matter who is guiding the ship. Past and future starter Brian Hoyer relieved the hapless Ryan Mallett last week, and even rallied the troops before throwing an awful last minute pick to sink the Texans ship against the struggling Colts. And what can you say about the Jags – who started their franchise like a house on fire making the playoffs in 4 of their first 5 seasons, played for two AFC Championships, but who have not posted a winning record since 2007. If the Texans can’t get a win here, pack it in and play for the No. 1 pick – again. Red would be a fool to recommend any bets here. Lock up the guns and ammo lest ye be tempted to blow a hole in the brand new 65 incher at the two minute warning of this pathetic poop party. Houston 19 Jacksonville 14.