“”My assistant Jack Daniels and I actually destroy a cell phone every four months or so. Usually just the screen but I get it.”
Chris Long discussing Tom Brady destroying his cell phone after the Deflategate “Scandal” broke.
Red’s personal assistant simply goes by the name Oban. But some of his favorite Bourbon brands are listed below.
Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 34-14. Lick finger, touch ass, make sizzle sound.
Your Fighting Cock Pick of the Week: Eagles over Cowboys. Longtime readers (yeah both of them) will remember the Red Rule from past seasons. The RR is “score 13 points and beat the Cowboys.” Well, the RR is coming back into vogue. For the last 3 weeks the Cowboys have averaged exactly 12.666666666666 . . . points. Red likes irrational numbers in case you hadn’t guessed. Combine that offensive ineptitude with a 5 game losing streak and it adds up to a road win for the also struggling Eagles. The loser of this one is not dead – but will need life support even in the awful NFC East. Somehow the Cowboys are favored here. Take the Eagles and whatever points you can get. Philadelphia 17 Arlington 11.
Your Rebel Yell Pick of the Week: Panthers over Packers. Your NFL Game of the Week features the formidable Packers going up against an undefeated team for the second week in a row and coming out on the short end. Red guesses that it has been many a long years since a team has had to face undefeated opponents on the road in weeks 8 and 9 of the season. Red looks for a wild shootout here and the over at 45.5 is Red’s NFL Bet of the Week. Carolina 39 Green Bay 35.
Your Wild Turkey Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Jets. Red has to walk out on the limb every once in a while or else this exercise just would not be very entertaining now would it? But there is a surprising amount of buzz over a matchup that no one would probably have seen as important at the beginning of the season. The Jets are sitting in the 6th playoff spot right now and the Jags are not out of contention in the pathetic excuse for a professional football division (PEFPFD) that is the AFC South. If the Jags win and Colts lose as Red predicts, the Jags will be tied with the Texans for the lead in the AFC South at 3-5. And yes, you read that correctly. So this is a big game for both teams at midseason. Most signs favor the Jets. They have given up only 4 sacks all season and the Jags have no pass rush to speak of. If Fitzpatrick has time to throw, he is among the best in the league and finding open targets. And the Jags seem incapable of holding onto a 4th quarter lead. Unfortunately, none of that phases Red after a couple of shots of Wild Turkey liquor this morning. But don’t bet on this crapshoot. Jacksonville 20 New Jersey 17.
You’re Early Times Pick of the Week: Stealers over Raiders. Red goes with triple-reverse time zone, magnetic field shift hex on this one to call it for the Stealers at home against a still viable Raiders that are on the playoff bubble right now. The Raiders have been surprisingly competitive against the Stealers winning the last two, but look for the Stealers to be hopping mad after blowing the Bengals game last week. Lil’ Carr best watch out. Big Ben wins this one on pure grit. Pittsburgh 19 Oakland 17.
Your Old Crow Pick of the Week: Broncos over Colts. It doesn’t seem to matter to the Broncos that they have PMS (that’s “Peyton Manning Starting” for you newcomers) despite his fairly awful performance so far this season. It has been clear that PMS can’t throw the ball more than 20 yards and isn’t making particularly good decisions. In addition, feature back CJ Anderson has been pretty much a bust. So why do the Broncos keep winning? Their incredible defense and highly respectable special teams. Why do the Colts keep losing? Luck has sucked, they have no running game and the defense is pitiful – really, Red actually pities their defense. PMS will likely carry the Broncos into a first round bye and then the whole thing will implode in a wave of acrimony and recriminations. But until then it is going to be quite a ride Broncos fans – so enjoy it while you can. Red takes the Broncos anywhere up to -5 and the over at 44.5. Denver 35 Indianapolis 16.
Your Old Blowhard Pick of the Week: Chargers over Bears. This week features a rare Monday Night Shit Bowl. But a deserving pick as these two teams have 4 wins between them. Red is puzzled about the stench emanating from Southern California as there is no reasons for the Chargers to be this bad. Their high powered passing attack should be winning more games, but for the train wreck of a defense and mediocre running game. Meanwhile over in Ursaland, the rumblings are growing. You have an aging journeyman quarterback, an aging formerly excellent back, an apparent failure top to bottom organizationally and trust Red, heads are going to roll pretty soon. Even Vic Fangio who has done a decent job with the defense may see his noggin careening toward the parking lot before this season is over. Check out the NBA schedule before tuning into this shameful shit struggle – that is, unless your pain threshold is remarkably high. San Diego 35 Chicago 13.