Tag Archives: NFL Picks

Red’s 2018 NFL Picks – Week 2

Red missed the opening week of the season due to unavoidable commitments and trouble with his Ipad.  Be advised, however, that he would not have picked the Texans to win on the road in New England, but would have taken the Saints over the Buccaneers, the Chiefs over the Chargers, the Bears over the Packers, the Panthers over Cowboys, Jaguars over Giants.  That would be a hypothetical 4-2, but it doesn’t count unless you tell someone about it.   Red also doesn’t give any betting advice this week because it is too early in the season for accurate throwing away of hard-earned cash.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Giants over Cowboys.  The Red Rule is back – and for you new readers out there, the rule is very simple –  SCORE 13 POINTS AND BEAT THE COWBOYS.  It only took 9 last week, but Red won’t quibble.  The Cowboys’ offense looks truly terrible even with E. Elliott at full speed.  Red has a funny feeling that Zeke may make him forget all about Steve Slayton (who as long-time readers will remember – Licks the sweat off a dead man’s balls!).  It’s way too early to make that call, but here’s hoping.  Other than Zeke and Cole Beasley, the Boys are devoid of weapons and unless Sean Lee is playing lights out – the defense aint much to write home about either.  On the other hand, there are the Giants – led by tired old Eli Manning and relying on probable Rookie of the Year Saquon Barkley.  The future ROY gets it done this week.  New Jersey 14 Arlington 6.

Your Texas Game of the Week  –  Texans over Titans.  Red likes Marcus M. but the dude cannot stay on the field and that may be a good thing this week as he would be relying on the shambles of an offensive line the Titans will trot out at home on Sunday.  The Titans may be missing both starting tackles and all-world TE Delanie Walker is gone for the season – a real shame for lovers of excellent TE play like Red.  If Mercilus, Watt and Clowney cannot tee off on this bunch – the vaunted Texans defense probably isn’t all that.  Texans need a competent offensive performance – something that even Bill O’ the Clown should be able to whip up after getting gob-smacked in week one.  This is probably a snoozefest for most of the game with a flurry of activity at the end.   Houston 28 Tennessee 17. 

Your Must Watch Game of the Week – Chiefs at Stealers.  The Patrick Mahomes Show featuring Tyreek Hill and Kareem Hunt debuted last week to rave reviews.  Episode 2 can be disappointing for a new series.  However, with head writer Andy Reid in charge, Red expects new and exciting scripts with lots of drama for most of the season.  This week’s episode has an interesting subplot with Travis Kelce playing a big role in solving the mystery of the Steel Curtain.  This one has hit series written all over it.  Stay tuned for more.  Kansas City 44 Pittsburgh 28. 

Your Overrated Game of the Week – Patriots over Jaguars.   Normally, you might think that a matchup between the defending AFC Champs and a team that reversed about a decade of franchise futility last season would be an interesting watch.  Not so this week.  While the Patriots have the mirrors finely polished and the smoke machines pumping out thick dense dark smoke, it just doesn’t make for very exciting games right now.  That they have two master magicians on the team doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t matter this week.  Jags are overmatched and get another lesson in how it is done this week.   New England 27 Jacksonville 17.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week  Chargers over Bills.  As you know, Red is big believer in the time zone hex and the reverse triple time zone, longitudinal inverse hex is very powerful.  However, no hex can stand up to the mighty negative power of the Bills.   Chargers are lucky to get one hex out of the way early while Bills are still floundering for a solution to the eternal problem – Why are we still living and playing games in Buffalo?  Los Angeles 45 Bills 13.

And – This Week’s Shit Bowl – OTNAs over Colts.  The Colts have to win a few games this year based on having A. Luck at quarterback alone.  Don’t get Red wrong, he would not want the Luckster on his team, but he is a competent quarterback capable of beating the lesser teams. And while the OTNAs are a lesser team, they bitch-slapped the Cardinals last week on the road.  So while it is a bit unfair to put them in this week’s Shit Bowl, Red is pretty sure that it will hold up by the end of the season.   With apologies to Alex Smith, Red has them winning this turgid turd tussle.  Landover, Md. 24 Indianapolis 17.

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Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions – Playoffs

Red has picked all the divisions (see below) and now it is time to chart out the playoffs.

Red has it as follows:

NFC Division Champs:  Eagles, Falcons, Vikings and Rams.

NFC Wildcards:  Bears and Saints

AFC Division Champs:  Patriots, Stealers, Texans and Chiefs

AFC Wildcards:  Chargers and Browns

Red likes the Stealers and Chiefs in the AFC title game at Arrowhead with the Chiefs barely pulling it out.

Red sees the Eagles and Falcons in the NFC title match in Philly with the Falcons nabbing the banner.

Red goes all in for the Chiefs as the NFL Champions for the first time since 1969. 

Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions – AFC West

If you are reading these predictions, please note that each division has been picked separately over the course of several days.  Red used to do this in one giant post, but people don’t read big giant posts anymore – except for devoted followers of Alex Jones and those folks probably aren’t among Red’s loyal fan base.

Kansas City Chiefs – Red has bet heavily on the Patrick Mahomes to Tyreek Hill 60 yard touchdown pass combo in his big money fantasy football team.  Add to that mix, Kareem Hunt, Travis Kelce and Sammy Watkins and there is no question that the Chiefs could have the most explosive offense in the NFL this year – if Mahomes is all he appears cracked up to be.   That’s a lot to put on a second year player, but Red thinks Mahomes is the real deal and not the latest retread of previously failed Texas Tech wunderkinds (tell Red you don’t remember the glorious pro careers of Kliff Kingsbury and Sonny Cumbee?).   In the immortal words of HC Andy Reid “I’m fired up!”  Which is the only way Red can ever use the first person in these musings.  Kansas City dominates at 14-2.

San Diego (er – Los Angeles) Chargers –  Red would like to attend a Chargers game this season – mostly because he likes peace and quiet and prefers being alone.   Here are some keys you can blank on for a successful Chargers season.  Rivers needs to empty the backfield on third down and throw clear down the unfilled.   And a hearty hollow, to undrafted rookie speedster J.J. Jones who may help on those bombs – he deserted his place on this roster.  His speed may open up devoid in the middle. When they get in the dead zone, Rivers can rely more on Melvin Gordon to bare down opposing defenses.   The offense is good, but vacant do it alone.  The defense must desert itself and get uninhabit of making some third down plays.  It may come down to the Week 15 matchup with the Chiefs, a tough game to win desolate in the season. Some help getting the missing faithful involved wouldn’t hurt – for example abandon the sidelines could pump up the fan.  Barren in the hunt for the playoffs all the way this season.  Red thinks they make it barely at 10-6.

Oakland Raiders –  The emaciated ghost of Al Davis still stalks the cavernous corridors of the Coliseum (or whatever they call they rusting decrepit heap they play in) waiting for another Raiders championship.  Dead Al continues his nightly rambles all season in vain.  The Raiders’ gamble on bringing back the perfidious Jon Gruden doesn’t pay off this season.  Walk Dead Al! Walk! Walk across the desert to the shining oasis in the sun – for there your spectral dreams will still go unfulfilled.  Oakland 8-8.

Denver Broncos – Red also likes Case Keenum but he may just have squeezed all the juice out of that lime last season in Minnesota.  This franchise seems lost in the woods right now and John Elway’s job is probably on the line if something doesn’t turn around soon.  Let Red be the first to say, “Adios Juan!”  Denver is 6-10.

Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions – AFC North

The division of “so what.”  Red still has to pick ’em.

Pittsburgh Stealers – Ben “Big Ben” Rothlessburger may be tired but he isn’t old just yet.  This season may change that assessment and if so, the Stealers are in for a cold December – well make that a colder December.  BB should be helped by the presence of Antone “Big Time” Brown and the debut of the JuJu “No Need for a Nick Name” Smith-Schuster. The big ? – is Le’Veon “Will he Answer the” Bell.  If  not, then maybe James “Hey I Don’t Suck” Conner is the answer – or maybe not.  The Stealers defense is always there  and probably improves with the emergence of T.J. “Yeah He’s my Big Brother” Watt.  It all rests in the reasonably capable hands of Mike “Can You Believe I’m Still Here” Tomlin.  Red likes Mike and Pittsburgh does more than enough to win this division at 12-4.

Cleveland Browns – You read it here first, the Browns are going to the playoffs.  Red just had to choke back a spoonful of delicious Grazier’s whole milk, grass-fed yogurt when he wrote that and is now seriously contemplating the function of the back key – but the moving hand writes and when it is written moves on.  Sort of like Red’s bowels.  This could be the greatest prediction  of Red’s life or  . . .   Happy times in Cleveland at 10-6.

Cincinnati Bengals – Red really likes the Bengals.  He also likes Neapolitan ice cream even though he knows it’s just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry and the vanilla is always left at the end.  Sort of like the end of your typical Bengals season where there either challenge for a playoff spot or make the playoffs and lose to the Texans – an even worse fate.  This has to be the year for Marvin “Can You Believe I’m Still Here When I’m not Half as Good as Mike Tomlin” Lewis.  He cannot hang on any longer without at least one playoff win.  Marvin lets go of the rope.  Cincinnati comes close but not close enough 9-7.

Baltimore Ravens – Flacco Joe, Flaco Joe,  Flaco Joe.  Can Red just say no?  Okay then.  Baltimore 2-14.

Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions – AFC South

Finally we get to a division that Red pays attention to – not that it matters.   This is the division of “Why do these towns have NFL teams anyway?”

Houston Texans –  Red was shocked to witness in person the offensive onslaught that Deshaun Watson led against the Titans in October.  That 57-14 ass whipping was as impressive an offensive show that Red has ever seen in a regular season NFL game.  It made Red a believer.  Red was also sadly present the next week when JJ Watt and Red favorite Whitney Mercilus went down in the space of about 57 seconds.  Losing Watson, Watt and Mercilus was the death knell for the Texans season.  Barring similarly crippling injuries this season, the Texans should be good enough to secure a playoff spot this year.  A lot rides on that first game in New England.  A win or even a credible loss will put this team on the right track.  Texans are 10-6 and in.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Lots of pundits are writing off the Jaguars as one-hit wonders and shitting on journeyman QB Blake Bortles.  BB may be mediocre but the rest of this team has enough talent to cover up the cracks.  Jaguars are also 10-6 and lose tiebreaker to the Texans.

Tennesee Titans – Red wants to believe.  Red also wants a job where you don’t have to show up and the money just sort of rolls in. Titans are 8-8 material.

Indianapolis Colts –  The Colts are just an Andrew Luck away from mediocrity.  They have no offensive line, one decent receiver, running backs???,  defense???, coaching???. Colts are 6-10.

Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions – AFC East

New England Patriots  –  This is where every year Red writes that it is spineless and weak to continue to pick the Patriots but that he will continue to do so until proven wrong.  Red has yet to be proven wrong.  Pats are a bit down but still finish atop a weak division even with a relatively weak schedule.  Red is looking forward to week 15 matchup with Stealers.  New England sits at 11-5

Buffalo Bills  – Red kind of likes Josh Allen who seems to have a bit of Carson Wentz – QB out of nowhere feel to him and will not be surprised if he moves in to the lineup at some point.  Sorry all you AJ McCarron fans out there – both of you.  It’s just too bad there is so little else to like about this team.   There is a good secondary on defense, but lack of offensive weapons is very troublesome.  Buffalo (Orchard Park) is 8-8 material

Miami Dolphins –  Red swears there are rumor that there is still an NFL team in the greater Miami region.  Beyond that Red is clueless.  Miami at 6-10.

New York Jets –  Meet the Jets, Greet the Jets, Step right up and beat the Jets.  Red still remembers an older fraternity brother singing that one at breakfast one bright shining morning.  Funny what you remember.  Funny what is still true.    Led by tired old Josh McCown (Sam Houston State for the Texas reference), the Jets are likely to be featured in at least half a dozen Shit Bowls this year.  Jets are 3-13.

Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions – NFC North

May Red just say, “He hates this division.”  Red is not entirely sure why, but he has always disliked having to pick winners and LOSERS from this one.  Which is curious because the NFC-North contains three of the most venerable franchises in the league.   The Lions started as the Portsmouth Spartans in 1929 moving to Detroit in 1934 and played in the first official playoff game – the 1932 Championship against the Bears (played because the teams ended the season tied for first place).  The Packers joined the league in 1921, the second official NFL season.  And the Bears can lay claim being one of the two original NFL franchises (as the Decatur Staleys) still in existence.  The Arizona Cardinals (nee Chicago Cardinals) are the other.  The Vikings are the upstart newcomer having joined the league in 1961 to increase the NFL to a whopping 14 teams.

Minnesota Vikings –  New quarterback – new offensive coordinator – new challenge with first place schedule –  all could add up to a tough season.  Many commentators are looking at a difficult schedule and predicting a big fall off for the Nordic warriors.  Red doesn’t see the NFC -West as all that tough as the Seahawks, Cardinals, Rams and 49ers are all overrated.  The NFC – East component should be even easier unless the Bills and Dolphins step up – and Red thinks the more likely scenario has those teams stepping in it.  Red is not high on Kirk Cousins but he made a really pathetic OTNAs team look decent at times. The big question is what to do about the running game with the loss of Jerrick McKinnon and no real answer for a solid replacement.  So why the Vikings?  Like he said, Red has to pick someone.  Minnesota sleds to a tough 10-6 record.

Chicago Bears  – Every season one formerly pathetic excuse for a professional football somehow picks itself up off the garbage pile and starts winning games.  Red’s pick for worst to (almost) first this season is the Bears.  Red’s just going with his ever growing gut on this one.  And Red will be putting an “I Like Mitch Trubisky” bumper sticker on his car – just so people will wonder – “Who the hell is Mitch Trubisky?”  To which Red could answer, “He’s the poor man’s Kirk Cousins.”  Chicago also goes 10-6 but only gets Wild Card spot – Maybe – stay tuned.

Green Bay Packers – Red admires the 200 some thousand Green Bay Packers, Inc. shareholders and the way this team has been run for almost its entire existence as a community project.  All professional sports teams should be owned and controlled in this fashion – not by some billionaire blowhard (Jerry Jones comes to mind for some reason) who could give a shit  about the average fan once he or she has paid for the season tickets.  The owner who won’t make sure the fans aren’t gouged at the concession stands and don’t have to sit in three hours of traffic to get home.  The owner who plays commercials at 120 decibels at every possible opportunity.  The “welfare queen” owner who sucks on the public tit and expects the taxpayers to make him richer just because he has deemed to grace their city with a professional football team – at least until there is greener turf somewhere else.  So while Red always wishes good things for the Packers, he also has to be honest with his readers and tell them – not this season.  A-Rodg carried them on his capable shoulders until going down last season.  Is he back?  If so, then maybe there is hope.  Or maybe not.  Green Bay is 8-8.

Detroit Lions –  The last good thing Red remembers about the Lions is reading Bobby Layne’s autobiography – Always on Sunday – in elementary school.  Red is not sure why his parents let him read about Bobby’s alcoholic womanizing, drunk driving, and non-stop partying but it sure opened Red’s eyes to the possibilities of life – or a certain kind of life anyway.  Unfortunately, Red’s athletic career and exposure to the side benefits of sports celebrity was cut short by a crippling lack of talent and a desire to keep his teeth.  Maybe Red was allowed to read this fascinating tome because Layne had been the hero at UT when Red’s parents were in school.  And maybe the curse of Bobby Layne is still hanging over this franchise.  Although possibly apocryphal, after he was traded to the Stealers in 1958, Layne supposedly responded to the trade by saying that “the Lions would not win for 50 years.”  Bobby apparently called for an extension at some point.  So while short on analysis here, Red has hopefully provided you some insight into the stupidity of this whole exercise.  Detroit stinks – 4-12.