Red’s Version of Trump’s Speech

Thank you. Thank you. Wow.  How about my daughter Ivanka.  Wouldn’t every red-blooded male in the room like to be stupping that – except for that Peter Thiel guy – he can go after Lyin’ Ted. Yeah!

You know I crushed him and all the other pathetic losers in the primaries – without breaking a sweat.  And when I do sweat, I sweat profusely.  Nobody sweats like me. My sweat could irrigate the desert.  There are winners and losers – and face it most of you are pathetic losers who need a winner like me to take control so that we can win some more.  Winning – that’s what its all about.  You are going to be tired of winning.  When I am finished with this country – everyone will utterly despise winning.   I might even be a little tired of it.

We are going to win the trade war by some unspecified and unknowable means.  We are going to build a wall and have Mexico pay for it – again by some unspecified means.  We are going to kick ISIS’s butt – do I have to spell it out for you.  Hopefully not, because I flunked spelling.  Get used to it.  Winners don’t tell you how they are going to win – you just have to take my word for it.  Like all those folks who enrolled at Trump U or took it in the shorts in my multiple bankruptcies.

Here’s the most important thing.  We are all going to Hell in a handbasket.   ISIS, criminals, cop killers, terrorists, illegal aliens, gypsies, tramps and thieves.  Not to mention famine, plague, pestilence and death.   And it’s all Hillary’s fault with a touch of Obama added for good measure.  And there is only one solution to the problem – ME!  That’s right, without me taking the helm you are all f@#ked!  Royally.  I am the only solution.  I am the chosen one.  I am the second coming.  Everybody kneel!  Hail the Donald!

And Crooked Hillary.  She cannot even imagine what I am going to do to her.  When I am through with her, she will beg for death.  She is so crooked – believe me it takes a crook to know one.  Did I say that.  Who cares?  Ha Ha!  Really, I can’t wait to destroy her – it will be fun.

We are going to stop leading from behind.  In fact, we are going to stop leading.  Let the rest of the world take care of itself.  If Putin – a really great guy by the way – wants Estonia – who are we to say no.  And if they are a member of NATO – screw that.  They’re losers and losers get eaten.  You know by who?  By winners like me and my buddy Vlad.

We are going to defeat Islamic terrorism quickly.  Just like that.  I think it will only require killing about 100,000,000 folks.  I could do that before dinner tomorrow right now.  Imagine how easy it will be when I have nukes!

And all those weak-kneed Republicans in Congress who hated on me.  Well guess what bozos, there’s going to be a new sheriff in town and he is coming to kick ass and take names – I’ve got one right here it says “Mitch McConnell.”  Another paunchy, sad-sack loser.  Just ask Lyin’ Ted.

Okay, I’m really tired of you people worshipping me so I am going to leave.  Like I need more loser love.

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