Last week Red was 1-5, dragging season totals down to 5-13. Help me Jesus, it’s going to be a long season for old Uncle Red as he appears to be violating the first rule of holes – all the more complicated by the very tough line up of games this week.
Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Broncos over Buccaneers. The less said about last week the better. And the less said about this week – even better. It is hard to see a real sure fire bet this week, but Red created this monster and has to ride it until the end of the season. Broncos will have to overcome double time zone, inverse altitudinal and humidity index hexes to win this one. They seem up to the challenge so far. Meanwhile, things on the west coast of the Sunshine State are not going as well as expected. Jameis, the would be felon, is racking up the stats but mostly in garbage time. The defense seems incapable of stopping anyone. In the Mile High City, Coach K seems to have his quarterback mojo back and is doing amazing things with TS. Take Denver giving up 3 if you are incorrigible, but if you really must put some green down on this one, go with the over at 44. Denver 33 Tampa Bay 20.
Underdog Pick of the Week – Jets over Seahawks. Red goes with the full triple time zone, inverse hipster hex here. And the fact that Ryan Fitzpatrick usually follows a god-awful performance with a competent one. It’s a tough challenge this week going against the supposed top-ranked Seahawk defense, but RF has a decent running game to fall back on. Meanwhile the Seahawk offense has been overly reliant on Christine Michael – that is a branch that is going to snap at some point. Red thinks it happens this week as Jets defense stifles the running game and forces Wilson to heave it up. New Jersey 24 Seattle 17.
Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Cowboys over 49ers. Well this used to be a rivalry anyway. Now it may be just another game. Cowboys look to be on a roll but wait until December. The Niners are not as bad as they look – they are actually far worse. Two low mediocre defenses will at least keep this one exciting on some level. Arlington 32 Santa Clara 30.
Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans over Titans. Speaking of last week might just get your ass kicked in the Texans locker room right now. Texans were humiliated in Foxboro, but have had 10 days to regroup for their first division outing. All well and good until the JJ Watt news broke yesterday. With the glamour seeking superstar probably out for the season, the Texans may actually have better focus and realize that they can’t just wait around for Watt to make a game-winning play. The big problem is where it has been for several seasons. They have a second string quarterback playing behind a makeshift offensive line. Nothing will fix that, but it should be good enough to win over the weak sisters of the league like the Titans. Houston 24 Tennessee 11.
Prime Time Pick of the Week – Vikings over Giants. Red’s pick of the Vikings is starting to look brilliant. At least something is going right. Red’s pick of the Giants is okay so far, but they likely lose division lead to the Cowboys this week. That’s okay because the Cowboys always suck in December. Minnesota 26 New Jersey 23.
Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – OTNAs over Browns. The Browns have to win at least one game this season. This one won’t be it. Do something you’ve been putting off – like having open heart surgery – rather than waste 3 hours of your precious Sunday afternoon watching this beastly bowel battle. Landover, Md 17 Cleveland 0.