Well old Uncle Red was just so dang exhausted from the election that he took last week off. Probably just as well given the recent trend. And the uproar from readers was – shall Red say – less than deafening. So in Week 9, Red was a stale 3-3 and at least none of the predicted games ended in a tie. So Red is now 24-28-2. About as good as Hillary.
Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Patriots punish 49ers. This is the only sure sure bet this week as a lot of competitive (albeit boring) games dot the schedule. You know every season, one pathetic excuse for a professional football franchise rises up and proves up that old “On any given Sunday” rule; but this aint the week. If the Patriots lose to the 49ers – even considering the triple reverse time zone, obverse hipster factor, deaclimatized shift hexes working in favor of the 49ers – Red will eat his hat. This week Red’s sombrero is made entirely from raw cookie dough (Snickerdoodle and Moco Choco Chip in case you are interested). Red aint no fool when it comes to hat eating. This game features something that you see about once every SuperMoon – a two touchdown home dog. That’s right the Pats are giving up 14 points on the road. If that gives you pause, Red will have LeGarrette Blount come to your house and punch you in the nose. Probably better to go with the under at 51.5 but only because Red doesn’t think the Pats can score 52. New England 41 Santa Clara 10.
Underdog Pick of the Week – Buccaneers Beat Chiefs. Red can’t help but think that Buccaneers will get back on pace to finish 8-8 because they are – well, an 8-8 team. Red keeps waiting for the Chiefs to fold like slice of New York pizza – wouldn’t that be delicious? It hasn’t happened yet and in Red’s opinion are worst possible 7-2 team imaginable. This team lost to the Texans and got stomped by the Stealers and have beaten one team with a winning record (Raiders). We will see what happens to Andy’s crew when they have to face the Broncos twice, the Falcons and the Raiders again. Tampa Bay 25 Kansas City 23.
Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Titans top Colts. The rivalry cupboard is pretty empty this week. This one hardly qualifies as a rivalry – it’s just a run of the mill sad sack mid-season game for anyone but the fans involved and even then – Really? There is some mild interest as the Titans appear to be rising out of years abject suckitude towards the once seeminly unattainable goal of mediocrity. Well guess what Titan fans, mediocrity can win you a division championship in the AFC South. Pray for mediocrity and you just might get it. God, loves a humble sinner. The real reason to watch this one is that with a loss and a Texans win, the Colts are all but done this season and perhaps done with the Chuck Pagano era – if you can call it that. And there is nothing like a rivalry game between two franchises that used to be something or somewhere else. The Titans at least had the decency to change their name when they left Houston in shame. The Colts took the name with them when the exited Baltimore under cover of darkness. This not-so-called rivalry dates all the way back to the Nixon era when the Baltimore Colts beat the Houston Oilers 24-20 in the Astrodome. That’s some history. The Colts lead the all time series 30-14 and the Titans have not won since October 30 of 2011 and have only won twice since midway through the 2008 season. The teams have met once in the playoffs after the 1999 season before the realignment put them in the same division and created the least rivalrous rivalry in all of the NFL. The Titans won a 19-16 snoozefest at the RCA Dome. Okay, enough already. Tennessee 13 Indianapolis 10.
Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Cowboys crater Ravens. In the new Trump era – where all things are possible – not only is America great again – America’s Team is great again. Aint that just great? Excuse Red while he goes out in the backyard and chokes down some rat poison. Arlington 24 Baltimore 21.
Prime Time Pick of the Week – Texans test Raiders. The Texans are due for at least two quality wins this season. They got one against the Chiefs in week 2 and maybe one against the Lions in week 9 (the book is still out on the Lions). This week could make 3. A while back, Red was actually thinking about going to Mexico City for unrelated reasons this weekend and could not figure out why the prices were so high and then he bothered to look the NFL schedule and lo and behold – there were the Texans following the route of Old Fuss and Feathers Winfield Scott to make an appearance in El Distrito Federal against the hated Raiders. The Texans will win this one as payback for losing to the emotionally charged Raiders playing for love of dead Al Davis back in 2011. Yeah, they have played twice since then splitting games in 2013 and 2014, but Red has never really gotten over watching the Raiders win one for Old Dead Al. This week the emaciated ghost of Al Davis grabs his saber and hooks up with spirits of the dead Conquistadors as they experience another Noche Triste in old Tenochtitlan. Houston 23 Oakland 17.
Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Stealers Stomp Browns. Red is really tired of the Browns. So tired that he might just give the Shit Bowl a rest for the remainder of the season and replace it with the Bowl of Abject Mediocrity – except for the fact that 10 games would qualify every week. Sorry, Stealers but there has to be a Shit Bowl and someone has to beat the Browns. Red will be sitting in a hunting blind far from any technology that might pick up a trace of this coaly crap contest. Pittsburgh 43 Cleveland 9.