Tag Archives: Shit Bowl

Red’s 2018 NFL Picks – Week 2

Red missed the opening week of the season due to unavoidable commitments and trouble with his Ipad.  Be advised, however, that he would not have picked the Texans to win on the road in New England, but would have taken the Saints over the Buccaneers, the Chiefs over the Chargers, the Bears over the Packers, the Panthers over Cowboys, Jaguars over Giants.  That would be a hypothetical 4-2, but it doesn’t count unless you tell someone about it.   Red also doesn’t give any betting advice this week because it is too early in the season for accurate throwing away of hard-earned cash.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Giants over Cowboys.  The Red Rule is back – and for you new readers out there, the rule is very simple –  SCORE 13 POINTS AND BEAT THE COWBOYS.  It only took 9 last week, but Red won’t quibble.  The Cowboys’ offense looks truly terrible even with E. Elliott at full speed.  Red has a funny feeling that Zeke may make him forget all about Steve Slayton (who as long-time readers will remember – Licks the sweat off a dead man’s balls!).  It’s way too early to make that call, but here’s hoping.  Other than Zeke and Cole Beasley, the Boys are devoid of weapons and unless Sean Lee is playing lights out – the defense aint much to write home about either.  On the other hand, there are the Giants – led by tired old Eli Manning and relying on probable Rookie of the Year Saquon Barkley.  The future ROY gets it done this week.  New Jersey 14 Arlington 6.

Your Texas Game of the Week  –  Texans over Titans.  Red likes Marcus M. but the dude cannot stay on the field and that may be a good thing this week as he would be relying on the shambles of an offensive line the Titans will trot out at home on Sunday.  The Titans may be missing both starting tackles and all-world TE Delanie Walker is gone for the season – a real shame for lovers of excellent TE play like Red.  If Mercilus, Watt and Clowney cannot tee off on this bunch – the vaunted Texans defense probably isn’t all that.  Texans need a competent offensive performance – something that even Bill O’ the Clown should be able to whip up after getting gob-smacked in week one.  This is probably a snoozefest for most of the game with a flurry of activity at the end.   Houston 28 Tennessee 17. 

Your Must Watch Game of the Week – Chiefs at Stealers.  The Patrick Mahomes Show featuring Tyreek Hill and Kareem Hunt debuted last week to rave reviews.  Episode 2 can be disappointing for a new series.  However, with head writer Andy Reid in charge, Red expects new and exciting scripts with lots of drama for most of the season.  This week’s episode has an interesting subplot with Travis Kelce playing a big role in solving the mystery of the Steel Curtain.  This one has hit series written all over it.  Stay tuned for more.  Kansas City 44 Pittsburgh 28. 

Your Overrated Game of the Week – Patriots over Jaguars.   Normally, you might think that a matchup between the defending AFC Champs and a team that reversed about a decade of franchise futility last season would be an interesting watch.  Not so this week.  While the Patriots have the mirrors finely polished and the smoke machines pumping out thick dense dark smoke, it just doesn’t make for very exciting games right now.  That they have two master magicians on the team doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t matter this week.  Jags are overmatched and get another lesson in how it is done this week.   New England 27 Jacksonville 17.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week  Chargers over Bills.  As you know, Red is big believer in the time zone hex and the reverse triple time zone, longitudinal inverse hex is very powerful.  However, no hex can stand up to the mighty negative power of the Bills.   Chargers are lucky to get one hex out of the way early while Bills are still floundering for a solution to the eternal problem – Why are we still living and playing games in Buffalo?  Los Angeles 45 Bills 13.

And – This Week’s Shit Bowl – OTNAs over Colts.  The Colts have to win a few games this year based on having A. Luck at quarterback alone.  Don’t get Red wrong, he would not want the Luckster on his team, but he is a competent quarterback capable of beating the lesser teams. And while the OTNAs are a lesser team, they bitch-slapped the Cardinals last week on the road.  So while it is a bit unfair to put them in this week’s Shit Bowl, Red is pretty sure that it will hold up by the end of the season.   With apologies to Alex Smith, Red has them winning this turgid turd tussle.  Landover, Md. 24 Indianapolis 17.

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Red’s NFL Picks – Week 11

Well old Uncle Red was just so dang exhausted from the election that he took last week off. Probably just as well given the recent trend. And the uproar from readers was – shall Red say – less than deafening.  So in Week 9, Red was a stale 3-3 and at least none of the predicted games ended in a tie. So Red is now 24-28-2.  About as good as Hillary.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Patriots punish 49ers. This is the only sure sure bet this week as a lot of competitive (albeit boring) games dot the schedule.  You know every season, one pathetic excuse for a professional football franchise rises up and proves up that old “On any given Sunday” rule; but this aint the week.  If the Patriots lose to the 49ers – even considering the triple reverse time zone, obverse hipster factor, deaclimatized shift hexes working in favor of the 49ers – Red will eat his hat.  This week Red’s sombrero is made entirely from raw cookie dough (Snickerdoodle and Moco Choco Chip in case you are interested). Red aint no fool when it comes to hat eating.  This game features something that you see about once every SuperMoon – a two touchdown home dog.  That’s right the Pats are giving up 14 points on the road.  If that gives you pause, Red will have LeGarrette Blount come to your house and punch you in the nose.  Probably better to go with the under at 51.5 but only because Red doesn’t think the Pats can score 52. New England 41 Santa Clara 10.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Buccaneers Beat Chiefs. Red can’t help but think that Buccaneers will get back on pace to finish 8-8 because they are – well, an 8-8 team.  Red keeps waiting for the Chiefs to fold like slice of New York pizza – wouldn’t that be delicious?  It hasn’t happened yet and in Red’s opinion are worst possible 7-2 team imaginable.  This team lost to the Texans and got stomped by the Stealers and have beaten one team with a winning record (Raiders).  We will see what happens to Andy’s crew when they have to face the Broncos twice, the Falcons and the Raiders again. Tampa Bay 25 Kansas City 23.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Titans top Colts. The rivalry cupboard is pretty empty this week.  This one hardly qualifies as a rivalry – it’s just a run of the mill sad sack mid-season game for anyone but the fans involved and even then – Really?  There is some mild interest as the Titans appear to be rising out of years abject suckitude towards the once seeminly unattainable goal of mediocrity.  Well guess what Titan fans, mediocrity can win you a division championship in the AFC South.  Pray for mediocrity and you just might get it.  God, loves a humble sinner.  The real reason to watch this one is that with a loss and a Texans win, the Colts are all but done this season and perhaps done with the Chuck Pagano era – if you can call it that.  And there is nothing like a rivalry game between two franchises that used to be something or somewhere else.  The Titans at least had the decency to change their name when they left Houston in shame.  The Colts took the name with them when the exited Baltimore under cover of darkness.  This not-so-called rivalry dates all the way back to the Nixon era when the Baltimore Colts beat the Houston Oilers 24-20 in the Astrodome.  That’s some history.  The Colts lead the all time series  30-14 and the Titans have not won since October 30 of 2011 and have only won twice since midway through the 2008 season.  The teams have met once in the playoffs after the 1999 season before the realignment put them in the same division and created the least rivalrous rivalry in all of the NFL.  The Titans won a 19-16 snoozefest at the RCA Dome.  Okay, enough already. Tennessee 13 Indianapolis 10.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Cowboys crater Ravens.   In the new Trump era – where all things are possible – not only is America great again – America’s Team is great again.  Aint that just great? Excuse Red while he goes out in the backyard and chokes down some rat poison. Arlington 24 Baltimore 21.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Texans test Raiders.   The Texans are due for at least two quality wins this season.  They got one against the Chiefs in week 2 and maybe one against the Lions in week 9 (the book is still out on the Lions).  This week could make 3. A while back, Red was actually thinking about going to Mexico City for unrelated reasons this weekend and could not figure out why the prices were so high and then he bothered to look the NFL schedule and lo and behold – there were the Texans following the route of Old Fuss and Feathers Winfield Scott to make an appearance in El Distrito Federal against the hated Raiders.  The Texans will win this one as payback for losing to the emotionally charged Raiders playing for love of dead Al Davis back in 2011.  Yeah, they have played twice since then splitting games in 2013 and 2014, but Red has never really gotten over watching the Raiders win one for Old Dead Al.  This week the emaciated ghost of Al Davis grabs his saber and hooks up with spirits of the dead Conquistadors as they experience another Noche Triste in old Tenochtitlan. Houston 23 Oakland 17.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Stealers Stomp Browns. Red is really tired of the Browns.  So tired that he might just give the Shit Bowl a rest for the remainder of the season and replace it with the Bowl of Abject Mediocrity – except for the fact that 10 games would qualify every week.  Sorry, Stealers but there has to be a Shit Bowl and someone has to beat the Browns. Red will be sitting in a hunting blind far from any technology that might pick up a trace of this coaly crap contest. Pittsburgh 43 Cleveland 9.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 6

Red brings you his weekly six-pack of NFL Picks for the bargain basement price of clicking onto this site.  What a deal!

Unlike Donald Trump, Red is trending in the right direction. Last week he racked up a second consecutive 5-1 record with the big upset prediction of the Falcons beating the red hot Broncos. Not in the plus column yet at 15-15 after five weeks, but this week for sure, maybe.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Eagles over OTNAs. An unusual pick headlines the weekly six-pack.  The line is all over the place on this one.  Some bookies have the Eagles getting 1.5 and others having them giving up from 2.5 to 3.  If you can get someone foolish enough to give you the Eagles and 1.5 take it and run.  Just don’t run too far because you might owe the Man some money.  Sure Bet?  Well, it’s a bet anyway.  Red likes the under at 45 and curiously likes the over at 44.  Aw, Uncle Red’s just messing with your math-challenged little head.  Take the over at 44 and pray for OT.  Philadelphia 26 Landover, MD 20.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Bengals at Patriots. Red picked this format and has to live with it.  So every dang week Red has to choose an underdog. And every doggone week it seems to get harder and harder.  And every dadgum week, it seems like he has no real reason to believe that a team like, say the Bengals (who got ass-whomped by the Cowboys last week) could stroll out of Foxboro with a victory over a team like the Pats (who merely beat the Browns and please note for the record, that under the technical definition of “ass whomp” it is impossible to “ass whomp” the Browns – you just can’t do it). But this galldurned week Red is going with it.   Cincinnati 24 New England 22.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Raiders over Chiefs. This week we get a real rivalry –  a real bitter rivalry in fact.  The Chiefs lead the series 60-52-2 having played the Raiders every season since the first meeting at Kezar Stadium in 1960.  Of course, they have racked up a number of wins since the Raiders have been sucking for an extended period of time. The Raiders have only won once in the last 3 seasons (Thanksgiving in 2014), but this is not your father’s Raiders team.  They are your grandfather’s Raiders team.  The emaciated ghost of Al Davis rides astride pale horse on the Raiders’s sideline this week. Chiefs fans beware. Oakland 33 Kansas City 30.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Packers over Cowboys.  The Cowboys spanked the Bengals last week leading 28-0 before coasting to a 28-14 win.  Dak P. continues to impress and Red’s Aunt Ida could probably run for 50 yards a game behind that offensive line.  Clearly the Cowboys offense is putting the longstanding Red Rule (score 13 points and beat the Cowboys) in jeopardy.  Packers are coming off a workmanlike win over Los Gigantes, but are still plagued by the inability to get any production out of the TE position.  Packers defense will have to win this one with at least 3 sacks and 2 turnovers.  If the Cowboys win this one, Red will eat his hat. Fortunately for Red, he typically sports a chapeau constructed from an assortment of Belgian waffles, cheese Danish and croissants. Green Bay 24 Arlington 17.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Texans over Colts.  Texans clearly suck as do the Colts, but somebody has to win this pathetic excuse for a professional football division and the winner of this one will have a leg up on a first round exit from the playoffs. Why pick the Texans?  They are typically only embarrassed and outclassed by real football teams – and usually that happens on the road.  Sunday night in Houston, they face a pretender at home.  Fortunately for Bill-O the Clown, this is a pretender his team can probably handle. Ock Brosweiler desperately needs a decent game or the feckless faithful on Fannin Street will be calling for his head by halftime. BO manages to save his job for now, but don’t get carried away Texans fans – this Colts team is a mere shadow of its former self. Houston 21 Indianapolis 13.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Panthers over Saints. Every once in a very long while, the Shit Bowl features teams that aren’t frankly all that shitty.  In other words, you could actually watch this game without having to first put away your guns, knives and sharp objects. The Panthers, for example, are one hard luck team this season who could easily be a respectable 3-2 (having lost two games by a total of 4 points) and fighting for the division lead.  Even the Saints aren’t terrible having lost two games by a total of 4 points. Are you sensing a trend here? But nonetheless, these two not-so-venerable franchises come into this week’s Shit Bowl with a combined 2-7 record.  But either of these teams could rip off 4 wins in a row and get back into the mix in the NFC South as the Falcons are destined to cool off a bit.  Which makes this one a must win game for both teams and a total crapshoot for someone like Red.  Next week, he goes back to the Browns who probably take up permanent residence in the weekly execrable excrement exhibition for the remainder of the season. Carolina 45 New Orleans 27.