My fellow Americans (aka suckers ripe for the taking): Tonight, I am speaking to you because there is a growing humanitarian (no Trump golf courses – imagine the horror) and security crisis at our southern border (mostly my fault but I’ll never let on). Every day, Customs and Border Patrol agents encounter thousands of illegal immigrants trying to enter our country. We are out of space to hold them (Jr., Eric are you listening – new brand idea – Trump Detention Centers), and we have no way to promptly return them back home to their country (maybe we can revive Trump Air). America proudly welcomes millions of lawful immigrants who enrich our society and contribute to our nation (never met one, but they must exist somewhere). But all Americans are hurt by uncontrolled, illegal migration (except my clubs who hire oodles of them on the cheap). It strains public resources and drives down jobs and wages (I’m making this last part up). Among those hardest hit are African Americans and Hispanic Americans (again totally made up).

Our southern border is a pipeline for vast quantities of illegal drugs, including meth, heroin, cocaine, and fentanyl (but a trickle compared to legal ports of entry and we aint doing shit about that because my donors would scream). Every week, 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90 percent of which floods across from our southern border (again through legal ports – but details, details). More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War (take it from Cadet Bone Spurs – I avoided that mess like the plague).  . . .

This is a humanitarian crisis — a crisis of the heart and a crisis of the soul (my doctors tell me I have a heart – an excellent heart, the finest heart of any President ever – as far as my soul goes – not so much). Last month, 20,000 migrant children were illegally brought into the United States — a dramatic increase. These children are used as human pawns (think voters here) by vicious coyotes and ruthless gangs. One in three women are sexually assaulted on the dangerous trek up through Mexico (where do I get this stuff?). Women and children are the biggest victims, by far, of our broken system. This is the tragic reality of illegal immigration on our southern border. This is the cycle of human suffering that I am determined to end (by sending them back to their home countries to be killed there – out of sight, out of mind as they say). My administration has presented Congress with a detailed proposal to secure the border and stop the criminal gangs, drug smugglers, and human traffickers (or so I am told – it was more than one paragraph so I didn’t read it). It’s a tremendous problem (and I know about problems). . . .

We have requested more agents, immigration judges, and bed space (Jr. Eric – pay attention here) to process the sharp rise in unlawful migration fueled by our very strong economy (had to throw that one in). Our plan also contains an urgent request for humanitarian assistance and medical support. Furthermore, we have asked Congress to close border security loopholes so that illegal immigrant children can be safely and humanely returned back home (again to be killed there). Finally, as part of an overall approach to border security, law enforcement professionals have requested $5.7 billion for a physical barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico was going to pay for).

At the request of Democrats, it will be a steel barrier rather than a concrete wall (my base might actually believe this BS – so why not say it). This barrier is absolutely critical to border security. It’s also what our professionals at the border want and need. This is just common sense. The border wall would very quickly pay for itself (trust me, I only ran almost every business I controlled myself into the ground). The cost of illegal drugs exceeds $500 billion a year — vastly more than the $5.7 billion we have requested from Congress. The wall will also be paid for, indirectly, by the great new trade deal we have made with Mexico (don’t ask me to explain or provide numbers because I can’t).  . . .

Democrats in Congress have refused to acknowledge the crisis (created by me). And they have refused to provide our brave border agents with the tools they desperately need to protect our families and our nation (except for the billions already appropriated). The federal government remains shut down for one reason and one reason only: because Democrats will not fund border security (I know I said I will own the shut down – but who on earth would believe anything I say). My administration is doing everything in our power to help those impacted by the situation. But the only solution is for Democrats to pass a spending bill that defends our borders and re-opens the government (or for me to cave).

This situation could be solved in a 45-minute meeting (or as I count time – 3 holes of golf). I have invited congressional leadership to the White House tomorrow to get this done. Hopefully, we can rise above partisan politics in order to support national security (because I am really desperate here). Some have suggested a barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico is going to pay for – but I repeat myself) is immoral (and of course I am an expert on immoral behavior). Then why do wealthy politicians build walls, fences, and gates around their homes (because people have dogs maybe?)? They don’t build walls because they hate the people on the outside (the poor), but because they love the people on the inside (the swells). The only thing that is immoral is the politicians to do nothing and continue to allow more innocent people to be so horribly victimized (by seeking a better life here). . . .

This is a choice between right (me and my promised agenda) and wrong (anything the Democrats want), justice and injustice (that sounds good, I think). This is about whether we fulfill our sacred duty to the American citizens we serve. When I took the Oath of Office, I swore to protect our country (meaning doing whatever is necessary to save my fat ass). And that is what I will always do (until I am impeached or resign in disgrace), so help me God (and God I need the help because of the bozos I’ve surrounded myself with). Thank you and goodnight (it’s Big Mac time).