Our Crazy (believe me I know crazy), Do Nothing (she should be like me and put in that tough 4 hours day in and day out from about 11 am to about 3 pm) (where’s USMCA, infrastructure, lower drug pricing & much more?) Speaker of the House, Nervous Nancy Pelosi (good one huh?), who is petrified by her Radical Left (commie bastards) knowing she will soon be gone (they & Fake News Media are her BOSS) (I have no idea what I mean by that), suggested on Sunday’s DEFACE THE NATION (I made that up on the spot – I can hardly stop laughing) that I testify about the phony Impeachment Witch Hunt (why is it never a Warlock hunt?). She also said I could do it in writing (as if I could actually write). Even though I did nothing wrong (and when I say that it’s the sure clue that I am up to my neck in crooked shit), and don’t like giving credibility (something I know nothing about) to this No Due Process Hoax (see how I change cleverly from Witch Hunt to Hoax – keeps ’em off guard – is it a Witch Hunt or a Hoax), I like the idea & will, in order to get Congress focused again (you know on punishing the poor and enriching guys like me), strongly consider it! (here is where my attorneys shit a cow before realizing that I am lying about testifying one more time – that will happen right after I voluntarily release my tax returns).
I want to know who’s the person, who’s the person who gave the whistle-blower (scum-sucking weasel) the information (the evidence of my crimes). Because that’s close to a spy (and I know from spies because I’ve been a Russian agent for years). Basically, that person never saw the report (Thank God), never saw the call (and a perfect call it was), he never saw the call (say it twice so they’ll remember), heard something and decided that he or she, or whoever the hell they saw (I’m losing my train of thought here)- they’re almost a spy (see above). You know what we used to do in the old days when we were smart (I’m thinking Spanish Inquisition here)? Right? The spies and treason (because it’s treason to expose my crimes – look it up – it’s right after Art. II where it says as President I can do whatever I want), we used to handle it a little differently than we do now (Are you listening out there? Please somebody kill these mofos now).
Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the whistleblower that just might take him down
I never met her (she was like maybe a 5 at best so why bother). She never treated me nicely (because she told the truth about me). But I would like to wish her family well (the guys in the press office made me say that). She was a professional, and I respect professionals (like Stormy Daniels). I respect you guys a lot, you people a lot (for a bunch of lying scum that is). She was a real professional. Never treated me well (you know, because it’s all about me all the time), but I certainly respect her as a professional (if i say professional enough maybe someone will think that I am one too).
Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the death of Cokie Roberts.
They were fake polls (you know the ones I previously claimed did not exist – well they actually exist but since they don’t look very good they must be fake under the irrefutable formula: Makes me look bad = Fake!!) that were released by somebody (my treasonous paid pollsters apparently) that is — it’s ridiculous. They’re giving out phony polls (phony, fake, whatever – I would consult a thesaurus if I knew what that was). These are polls (that we have (yeah, the ones that previously did not exist), that nobody saw (like my tax returns). We do very little polling (just a daily poll or two – three on the weekends) because I’m not a huge believer in polling (except that Rasmussen fellow who is almost always wrong)… But we have some internal polling (bigly strong within the family)— very little — and it’s unbelievably strong (mostly because it’s unbelievable). The strongest I’ve ever been is exactly today (because you know – once a con man, always a con man).
My fellow Americans (aka suckers ripe for the taking): Tonight, I am speaking to you because there is a growing humanitarian (no Trump golf courses – imagine the horror) and security crisis at our southern border (mostly my fault but I’ll never let on). Every day, Customs and Border Patrol agents encounter thousands of illegal immigrants trying to enter our country. We are out of space to hold them (Jr., Eric are you listening – new brand idea – Trump Detention Centers), and we have no way to promptly return them back home to their country (maybe we can revive Trump Air). America proudly welcomes millions of lawful immigrants who enrich our society and contribute to our nation (never met one, but they must exist somewhere). But all Americans are hurt by uncontrolled, illegal migration (except my clubs who hire oodles of them on the cheap). It strains public resources and drives down jobs and wages (I’m making this last part up). Among those hardest hit are African Americans and Hispanic Americans (again totally made up).
Our southern border is a pipeline for vast quantities of illegal drugs, including meth, heroin, cocaine, and fentanyl (but a trickle compared to legal ports of entry and we aint doing shit about that because my donors would scream). Every week, 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90 percent of which floods across from our southern border (again through legal ports – but details, details). More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War (take it from Cadet Bone Spurs – I avoided that mess like the plague). . . .
This is a humanitarian crisis — a crisis of the heart and a crisis of the soul (my doctors tell me I have a heart – an excellent heart, the finest heart of any President ever – as far as my soul goes – not so much). Last month, 20,000 migrant children were illegally brought into the United States — a dramatic increase. These children are used as human pawns (think voters here) by vicious coyotes and ruthless gangs. One in three women are sexually assaulted on the dangerous trek up through Mexico (where do I get this stuff?). Women and children are the biggest victims, by far, of our broken system. This is the tragic reality of illegal immigration on our southern border. This is the cycle of human suffering that I am determined to end (by sending them back to their home countries to be killed there – out of sight, out of mind as they say). My administration has presented Congress with a detailed proposal to secure the border and stop the criminal gangs, drug smugglers, and human traffickers (or so I am told – it was more than one paragraph so I didn’t read it). It’s a tremendous problem (and I know about problems). . . .
We have requested more agents, immigration judges, and bed space (Jr. Eric – pay attention here) to process the sharp rise in unlawful migration fueled by our very strong economy (had to throw that one in). Our plan also contains an urgent request for humanitarian assistance and medical support. Furthermore, we have asked Congress to close border security loopholes so that illegal immigrant children can be safely and humanely returned back home (again to be killed there). Finally, as part of an overall approach to border security, law enforcement professionals have requested $5.7 billion for a physical barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico was going to pay for).
At the request of Democrats, it will be a steel barrier rather than a concrete wall (my base might actually believe this BS – so why not say it). This barrier is absolutely critical to border security. It’s also what our professionals at the border want and need. This is just common sense. The border wall would very quickly pay for itself (trust me, I only ran almost every business I controlled myself into the ground). The cost of illegal drugs exceeds $500 billion a year — vastly more than the $5.7 billion we have requested from Congress. The wall will also be paid for, indirectly, by the great new trade deal we have made with Mexico (don’t ask me to explain or provide numbers because I can’t). . . .
Democrats in Congress have refused to acknowledge the crisis (created by me). And they have refused to provide our brave border agents with the tools they desperately need to protect our families and our nation (except for the billions already appropriated). The federal government remains shut down for one reason and one reason only: because Democrats will not fund border security (I know I said I will own the shut down – but who on earth would believe anything I say). My administration is doing everything in our power to help those impacted by the situation. But the only solution is for Democrats to pass a spending bill that defends our borders and re-opens the government (or for me to cave).
This situation could be solved in a 45-minute meeting (or as I count time – 3 holes of golf). I have invited congressional leadership to the White House tomorrow to get this done. Hopefully, we can rise above partisan politics in order to support national security (because I am really desperate here). Some have suggested a barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico is going to pay for – but I repeat myself) is immoral (and of course I am an expert on immoral behavior). Then why do wealthy politicians build walls, fences, and gates around their homes (because people have dogs maybe?)? They don’t build walls because they hate the people on the outside (the poor), but because they love the people on the inside (the swells). The only thing that is immoral is the politicians to do nothing and continue to allow more innocent people to be so horribly victimized (by seeking a better life here). . . .
This is a choice between right (me and my promised agenda) and wrong (anything the Democrats want), justice and injustice (that sounds good, I think). This is about whether we fulfill our sacred duty to the American citizens we serve. When I took the Oath of Office, I swore to protect our country (meaning doing whatever is necessary to save my fat ass). And that is what I will always do (until I am impeached or resign in disgrace), so help me God (and God I need the help because of the bozos I’ve surrounded myself with). Thank you and goodnight (it’s Big Mac time).
Well, President Individual 1 has been at it again. This time while speaking to our troops in Iraq. Red can’t really commend I-1 for his trip as this should have been done in the first couple of months of his presidency. But maybe it’s better late than never to visit our soldiers in the field and tell them some really big (and easily disproved) whoppers. Here are a few excerpts:
Well, first of all, at ease. At ease. Let’s have a good time (that’s usually 18 holes and a hooker or two but I know times are tough here). And we had an incredible meeting that lasted for about an hour (way past my usual attention span), and you have no idea what we’ve come up with (and neither do I). You’re going to be so happy. You’re going to be so happy (I always promise happiness because a promise of happiness makes people happy).
So Melania and I are thrilled to be here (God, I wish we were at Mar-a-Lago but those f’ing Democrats) with the extraordinary men and women of the American Armed Forces — the greatest military (now that I’m in charge anyway – before me you were a bunch of hapless losers), and — especially as we get all of this billions and billions of dollars of new equipment that I approved over (screw Congress) the last two years (I love equipment almost as much as real estate). You’re getting such new equipment, your eyes are popping, right? Your eyes are popping (I have no idea what I’m talking about but it sounds impressive). You’re getting the best equipment in the world.
The men and women stationed at Al Asad have played a vital role in the military defeat of ISIS in Iraq and in Syria (not as much as me but still). Because of these gains, our service members in Syria can now return home to their families (and hopefully rent from Trump Enterprises – in your dreams suckers). Some will come here for a stay, but a lot of them are going to be going back home, where they want to be, with their families (just stay away from me). They’ve done a fantastic job (something I know nothing about).
Originally, years ago, they came here (or so I am told – you know I was really busy losing lots of money on casinos, steaks, airlines, wine, magazines, etc.). And it was supposed to be for three to four months, and that was a long time ago (Stupid Bushes or Obama I forget which). That was many years ago. But what a job you have done. What a job they have done. I made it clear from the beginning that our mission in Syria was to strip ISIS of its military strongholds; we’re not nation building. Rebuilding Syria will require a political solution (Way above my pay grade). And it’s a solution that should be paid for by its very rich neighboring countries, not the United States. Let them pay for it. And they will. They will (Just like Mexico).
In fact, Saudi Arabia yesterday — you probably read — stepped up to the plate and has already made a commitment of substantial funds for development (Nothing is better than having other rich people pay for stuff – trust me I know what I am talking about, right Dad?). And President Erdogan of Turkey (A really cool guy who gets what he wants because there are no Democrats in Turkey) has also agreed to take out any remnants of ISIS (and if the Kurds get slaughtered well, what is a Kurd anyway? I don’t like cottage cheese), and we’ll be working with them. We’re going to be working with them.
While American might can defeat terrorist armies on the battlefield (Please don’t mention Afghanistan ever again), each nation of the world must decide for itself what kind of future it wants to build for its people, and what kind of sacrifices they are willing to make for their children (Like that $300,000 a year I was earning at age 5. Thanks again Dad.). America shouldn’t be doing the fighting for every nation on Earth not being reimbursed (It’s all about the money after all), in many cases, at all.
If they want us to do the fighting, they also have to pay a price (Money, money money)— and sometimes that’s also a monetary price (Told ya!)— so we’re not the suckers of the world (And believe me a con man like me can spot a sucker from a mile away). We’re no longer the suckers, folks (except when it comes to elections). And people aren’t looking at us as suckers (more like utter morons). And I love you folks because most of you are nodding your head this way (Damn it why aren’t they bowing down?). We’re respected again as a nation. We’re respected again (polling to the contrary be damned).
No force in history has done more for the cause of justice and peace (side benefits of protecting oil reserves and absolute monarchy). I want each and every one of you to know that we will always protect those who protect us (except when it comes to benefits and health care). You protect us. We are always going to protect you. And you just saw that because you just got one of the biggest pay raises you’ve ever received — unless you don’t want it. (Applause.) (God, they are actually eating this BS up). Does anybody here — is anybody here willing to give up the big pay raise you just got? Raise your hands, please. Ah, I don’t see too many hands. Okay, don’t give it up.
It’s great. You know what? Nobody deserves it more (except me). You haven’t gotten one in more than 10 years — more than 10 years (make it 20 it’s such BS it doesn’t really matter). And we got you a big one. I got you a big one. I got you a big one. (A bigly big one) (Applause.)
They had plenty of people that came up. They said, “You know, we could make it smaller. We could make it 3 percent. We could make it 2 percent. We could make it 4 percent.” I said, “No. Make it 10 percent (Where do I come up with this stuff?). Make it more than 10 percent.” (Or 2.6% but who’s counting?) Because it’s been a long time. It’s been more than 10 years. It’s been more than 10 years (or since last year -but again these folks clearly aren’t paying attention). That’s a long time (and I’ll be long gone before you figure it out – in typical con man fashion).
Trumph – the Insult Comic President™ was in rare form the other night in North Dakota and the NoDaks in attendance were served up mostly a lot of talk about crowd size.
Let’s Start with Crowd Size Remarks:
I wish we could have had this stage back about 100 yards (then I wouldn’t have to be so close to so many smelly farmers). You’d see how many people. This place is packed (and smelly). Always, always, always talk about how this crowd is big and it could have been bigger (because bigness is bigly big-time important). This place is packed. The only thing more packed is outside, trying to get in. (take my word for it – people are being crushed to death trying to get in – but they are dying happy.) You know, we had the chance for a 24,000-seat arena (somewhere in Canada I think). And we should have taken it. (can I get a B, can I get an I, can I get a – um – never mind).
If crooked Hillary (never giving that one up because I know some crooked) would have won this election, and if she came here, which is about a 0% chance (you know, smelly), after the election she’d have 200 people in a conference room in a small hotel (owned by me). And I wish those cameras (but of course they are controlled by the scum-sucking enemies of “the people” – meaning me) would circle the room to see how many thousands of people are here (again bigly important), because, you know, on the screen I look — and all you see are those few beautiful, wonderful people (a few of whom don’t smell) — I don’t know who the hell I — but you’ve got a nice group over there (what am I even talking about – sometimes I don’t know). I know you have Mike and some others. They’re going to be so famous (and that folks is what it is all about). They never take those cameras off my face (it is the most handsome face in the world after all). Look at all the women (I once had a farm girl thing before my super-model phase).
And then Move on to His Brilliance:
Oh, I am so smart (so smart that I have to repeatedly tell you how smart I am). I am the smartest person (Euclid, Aristotle, Descartes, Newton, Rousseau, Jefferson, Einstein, Churchill, etc. – not fit to lick the shit off my shoes). My uncle was a great professor at MIT for 40 years. Can you believe? Forty years. I said, ‘But I’m smarter than him (I mean how much did he get paid). I’m smarter than anybody.’ (My IQ is like 2500).
And hurl a few insults – because after all that is what he does best:
I meet these people (okay they smell better than you). They call them the elite. These people. I look at them. I say, ‘That’s elite?’ (let me tell you – elite is having a naked super model in your bed). We got more money (the only thing that matters). We got more brains (see above – and now I’m thinking my IQ may actually be north of 3000). We got better houses (money), apartments (money). We got nicer boats (money). We’re smarter than they are (okay at least 3500). And they say, ‘The elite.” We are the super elite (we meaning me – most of you are pathetic losers – but what’s a conman without a ready supply of pathetic losers?).