Tag Archives: Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Red hasn’t had a big steaming bowl of Wolf Brand Chili or had the chance to translate the unbelievable gibberish of Pres. Trump in far too long.  So here goes.

Thank you.  Oh, that social distancing.  Look at you people all spread out, six feet (soon to be six feet under).  That’s pretty impressive.  But we like it the old way a little bit better, don’t we (much easier to grab ’em by the p#$$y when you’re closer)?

And we’ll be back.  We’ll be back to that soon, I think.  I really believe it (because if I believe something it must be true).  And we were received by thousands and thousands of people coming in.  And they came in from all over and all the way from the airport to here (all these wonderful people willing to die just for the chance to see me).  It was really something special.  So it was really great (but don’t expect me to come to your funerals).

In the heart of the Lehigh Valley — now, just so you know, I have brother who is a great brother.  Passed away a long time ago.  Fred (what a loser).  And he went to Lehigh University (like I said, loser)  I’ve been up here many times actually.  And I gave a commencement address years ago at Lehigh University (to other losers).  It’s a great school (for losers).  But whenever I think of this area, I think about my brother (and how I cut off his sick kids’ medical insurance after he died as revenge for them suing).

I was with some of your representatives.  Associates, they call themselves.  I don’t know — I assume if they’re associates, you’re all making the same money (a pittance I’m sure).  I hope so.   They call themselves associates.  Sounds nice, right (much better than sacrificial lambs for their corporate masters)?

But they’re talking about so much of the product now is made in the USA, whereas in the past, it wasn’t.  It wasn’t.  But they were talking about 90 percent — 80 to 90 percent is made — of what you distribute is now made in the USA, and that’s taken a long while for us to get it (I totally made this up).  I started that right from the beginning (and don’t bother to look at the statistics about the decline in American manufacturing – Fake News!).  It’s probably one of the major reasons that I’m here.  It’s called “America First.”  We want America first (first in deaths from COVID-19 anyway).  We love the world (except our former allies and the shithole countries).  We want America first (white America anyway).

Today we’re announcing a groundbreaking initiative to replenish and modernize our Strategic National Stockpile.  The cupboards were bare (not a Big Mac in sight).  You’ve heard me say it a lot (which is the first clue to know that it’s utter bullshit).  When we came into this administration, those cupboards were bare (see, I said it again).

From the moment this terrible virus reached our shores, each of you has worked relentlessly to get the vital supplies to our healthcare warriors (pay no attention to the six weeks that I tried to ignore the problem).  And they are warriors, aren’t they?  When you see them going into those hospitals and they’re putting the stuff that you deliver.  But they’re wrapping themselves (in garbage bags), and the doors are opening, and they’re going through the doors, and they’re not even ready to go through those doors.  They probably shouldn’t.  But they can’t get there fast enough (even Red can’t figure this one out).

And they’re running into death just like soldiers run into bullets, in a true sense.  I see that with the doctors and the nurses and so many of the people that go into those hospitals.  It’s incredible to see.  It’s a beautiful thing to see (Democrats dying).  But I really call them “warriors.”  We’re all warriors; everyone in our country is a warrior (and all you warriors better get ready because I’m starting a civil war if I lose in November).  We have to be because of what happened.  And it should have never happened (if there was a halfway competent person left in the White House).  It should have been stopped at the source.

Just as the men and women of Allentown have done in every generation — I know it well — the workers at this facility have answered the call in America’s hour of need (just like I did during Vietnam).  Many of you are working long before dawn.  You get up and you go to work, and long after midnight.  I know your hours.  I was talking to your people and your representatives.  They say, “You wouldn’t even…” — I’m saying, “What are the hours?”  They said, “You won’t even believe it.”  I said, “But I work those hours too (you  have to get up  pretty early to watch 12 hours of TV a day).  We all work.  We’re all working hard (or hardly working, huh!).”

Now as our country begins a safe and gradual reopening, we’re launching a monumental effort to replenish and rebuild the Strategic National Stockpile (who knew such a thing existed).  We also did that, by the way, with fuel.  When oil went down, we replenished our Strategic National Reserve.

And we got it for a great price (buy low – sell high).  Would you believe what went on with fuel?  But now it’s starting to go back, and we’re saving our energy industry, because people didn’t need too much gasoline when there were no cars on the road.  And I said to the governors — I said, “You know, there are no cars on the road.  This is a good time to fix your highways.  Fix your highways now.” (absolutely no one else thought of this)  Some did and some didn’t.  Right?  They didn’t (Democrats).  They were worried that two people working 35 feet away from each other or driving a tractor, or whatever they might be doing, they’ll catch the virus (what a bunch of weenies).

But the ones that did were really helped because you went from being these massive traffic jams to having no traffic (yes, they fixed all of their traffic problems in 2 months).  And I can tell you Florida was a state (finally I said something correct – Florida is a state).  Great governor.  And Ron was — was — he told me he; he said, “I’m doing it.”  I said, “That’s a good thing.”  Not everybody did it.  Ron DeSantis of Florida.  Governor of Florida (I lose Florida and its game over).

Under the previous administration, the Stockpile was depleted and never fully refilled (ignore that I had 3 years to do that).  Most of the N95 masks were distributed during the N1H1 (should have let them die then).  Now, you know who says that, right?  “N1H1.”  Who says that?  Sleepy Joe Biden (because you should always ridicule your opponent)   Remember?  He said the “N1H1.”  I said, “Isn’t it the other way around?”  They said, “Yes, sir.”  But he said it, so it doesn’t make any difference.  (once again, Red is at a loss here)

But during the H1N1 — and that’s the swine flu — and it was a pandemic in ’09 that was not well handled at all (at least one person died).  It got very poor marks (and I have a bridge to sell you).

Never again will another President inherit empty shelves or expired products (again ignore my first 3 years).  At least — hopefully, in five years you’re talking about.  It may be 9 years, it may be 13 years (I’ll still be President).  But you’ll never have to deal with empty shelves, and you’ll never have to deal with a depleted military (always pivot to the military)  The military that we took over was depleted and in horrible shape (despite spending more than the rest of the world combined).  We’ve now spent $1.5 trillion rebuilding our military (so that we can cut and run from everywhere in the world)  We have the strongest military we’ve ever had, by far (World War II was nothing).  And this is a good time to have it too (remember second civil war coming)

Sorry, Red really can’t take anymore of this right now.

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Red translates some excerpts from Trump’s speech to the nation last night.  It was so reassuring that financial markets are now in a complete panic.

My fellow Americans: Tonight, I want to speak with you about our nation’s unprecedented (unprecedented in its incompetence) response to the coronavirus outbreak that started in China and is now spreading throughout the world.
Today, the World Health Organization officially announced that this is a global pandemic (I heard that was bad so I lied about it as long as possible).
We have been in frequent contact with our allies (Putin, Kim Jung Un and Bibi), and we are marshalling the full power of the federal government and the private sector to protect the American people (and more importantly my bottom line).
This is the most aggressive and comprehensive effort to confront a foreign virus in modern history (you know the one that last week I told you would be down to zero cases in a few days). I am confident that by counting and continuing to take these tough measures, we will significantly reduce the threat to our citizens, and we will ultimately and expeditiously defeat this virus (because “I am really good at war”).
From the beginning of time, nations and people have faced unforeseen challenges (like utterly incompetent leadership), including large-scale and very dangerous health threats. This is the way it always was and always will be (some live, some die, some get rich in the process). It only matters how you respond, and we are responding with great speed and professionalism (working on a time machine actually)
Our team is the best anywhere in the world (Be Best!). At the very start of the outbreak, we instituted sweeping travel restrictions on China and put in place the first federally mandated quarantine in over 50 years. We declared a public health emergency (which I pooh-poohed) and issued the highest level of travel warning on other countries as the virus spread its horrible infection.
And taking early intense action, we have seen dramatically fewer cases of the virus in the United States than are now present in Europe (aka our former Allies).
After consulting with our top government health professionals (that’s me in case you were wondering), I have decided to take several strong but necessary actions to protect the health and well being of all Americans.
To keep new cases from entering our shores, we will be suspending all travel from Europe (except countries where my golf resorts are located) to the United States for the next 30 days. The new rules will go into effect Friday at midnight. These restrictions will be adjusted subject to conditions on the ground.
These restrictions will also not apply to the United Kingdom (again – golf resorts).
Earlier this week, I met with the leaders of health insurance industry who have agreed to waive all copayments for coronavirus treatments, extend insurance coverage to these treatments, and to prevent surprise medical billing (in the meantime, I am desperately trying to figure out how to blame this on Obamacare).
We are cutting massive amounts of red tape (also known as scientific protocols) to make antiviral therapies available in record time (wait for the October surprise). These treatments will significantly reduce the impact and reach of the virus.
The vast majority of Americans: The risk is very, very low (really non-existent in my expert medical opinion). Young and healthy people (who unfortunately don’t vote for me) can expect to recover fully and quickly if they should get the virus. The highest risk is for elderly population with underlying health conditions. The elderly population must be very, very careful (and try to stay alive until November so you can vote for me).
Because of the economic policies that we have put into place over the last three years, we have the greatest economy anywhere in the world, by far (it had to come back to me at some point).
Our banks and financial institutions are fully capitalized and incredibly strong. Our unemployment is at a historic low. This vast economic prosperity (boy can I spin the bullshit)  gives us flexibility, reserves, and resources to handle any threat that comes our way (except electing a Democrat).
This is not a financial crisis (I’m an expert on that – see, e.g., my multiple bankruptcies), this is just a temporary moment of time that we will overcome together (please God, before November) as a nation and as a world (you ever notice how when things go wrong, it’s not all about me anymore).
Using emergency authority (and my Article 2 powers to  do whatever I want), I will be instructing the Treasury Department to defer tax payments, without interest or penalties, for certain individuals and businesses (mostly those who don’t need it) negatively impacted. This action will provide more than $200 billion of additional liquidity to the economy (and wouldn’t it be nice if I hadn’t already blown the deficit out of control with my rich guy tax cut).
We are at a critical time in the fight against the virus. We made a life-saving move with early action on China. Now we must take the same action with Europe. We will not delay. I will never hesitate to take any necessary steps to protect the lives, health, and safety of the American people. I will always put the well being of America first (and if you believe that, I have a failed casino to sell you and a bogus University for you to attend and a fake charity for you to contribute to and . . . I could go on for days here really).
If we are vigilant — and we can reduce the chance of infection, which we will — we will significantly impede the transmission of the virus. The virus will not have a chance against us (dramatic music rising in the background – I’m thinking theme from Patton).
No nation is more prepared or more resilient than the United States. We have the best economy, the most advanced healthcare, and the most talented doctors, scientists, and researchers anywhere in the world (and of course the best President – but that goes without saying).
We are all in this together. We must put politics aside, stop the partisanship (cancel the election), and unify together as one nation and one family (scum-sucking Democrats aside).
Our future remains brighter than anyone can imagine (I’ve gotta wear shades). Acting with compassion and love (and no one is more compassionate or loving than me – ask Stormy if you don’t believe me), we will heal the sick, care for those in need, help our fellow citizens (I asked for a picture of Jesus to be smiling at me from above, but they said no), and emerge from this challenge stronger and more unified (behind Trump that is) than ever before.

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Our Crazy (believe me I know crazy), Do Nothing (she should be like me and put in that tough 4 hours day in and day out from about 11 am to about 3 pm)  Speaker of the House, Nervous Nancy Pelosi (good one huh?), who is petrified by her Radical Left (commie bastards) knowing she will soon be gone.  Tthey & Fake News Media are her BOSS (I have no idea what I mean by that), suggested on Sunday’s DEFACE THE NATION (I made that up on the spot – I can hardly stop laughing) that I testify about the phony Impeachment Witch Hunt (why is it never a Warlock hunt?). She also said I could do it in writing (as if I could actually write). Even though I did nothing wrong (and when I say that –  it’s the sure clue that I am up to my neck in crooked shit), and don’t like giving credibility (something I know nothing about) to this No Due Process Hoax (see how I change cleverly from Witch Hunt to Hoax – keeps ’em off guard – is it a Witch Hunt or a Hoax), I like the idea & will, in order to get Congress focused again (you know on punishing the poor and enriching guys like me), strongly consider it! (here is where my attorneys shit a cow before realizing that I am lying about testifying one more time – that will happen right after I voluntarily release my tax returns).

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

I want to know who’s the person, who’s the person who gave the whistle-blower (scum-sucking weasel) the information (the evidence of my crimes). Because that’s close to a spy (and I know from spies because I’ve been a Russian agent for years).  Basically, that person never saw the report (Thank God), never saw the call (and a perfect call it was), he never saw the call (say it twice so they’ll remember), heard something and decided that he or she, or whoever the hell they saw (I’m losing my train of thought here)- they’re almost a spy (see above). You know what we used to do in the old days when we were smart (I’m thinking Spanish Inquisition here)? Right? The spies and treason (because it’s treason to expose my crimes – look it up – it’s right after Art. II where it says as President I can do whatever I want), we used to handle it a little differently than we do now (Are you listening out there? Please somebody kill these mofos now).

Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the whistleblower that just might take him down

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

I never met her (she was like maybe a 5 at best so why bother). She never treated me nicely (because she told the truth about me). But I would like to wish her family well (the guys in the press office made me say that). She was a professional, and I respect professionals (like Stormy Daniels).  I respect you guys a lot, you people a lot (for a bunch of lying scum that is). She was a real professional. Never treated me well (you know, because it’s all about me all the time), but I certainly respect her as a professional (if i say professional enough maybe someone will think that I am one too).

Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the death of Cokie Roberts.

Trumph (the Insult Comic President) Speaks – Red Translates

They were fake polls (you know the ones I previously claimed did not exist – well they actually exist but since they don’t look very good they must be fake under the irrefutable formula:  Makes me look bad = Fake!!) that were released by somebody (my treasonous paid pollsters apparently) that is — it’s ridiculous.  They’re giving out phony polls (phony, fake, whatever – I would consult a thesaurus if I knew what that was).  These are polls (that we have (yeah, the ones that previously did not exist), that nobody saw (like my tax returns). We do very little polling (just a daily poll or two – three on the weekends) because I’m not a huge believer in polling (except that Rasmussen fellow who is almost always wrong)… But we have some internal polling (bigly strong within the family)— very little — and it’s unbelievably strong (mostly because it’s unbelievable). The strongest I’ve ever been is exactly today (because you know – once a con man, always a con man).

Individual 1 Speaks – Red Translates

My fellow Americans (aka suckers ripe for the taking): Tonight, I am speaking to you because there is a growing humanitarian (no Trump golf courses – imagine the horror) and security crisis at our southern border (mostly my fault but I’ll never let on). Every day, Customs and Border Patrol agents encounter thousands of illegal immigrants trying to enter our country. We are out of space to hold them (Jr., Eric are you listening – new brand idea – Trump Detention Centers), and we have no way to promptly return them back home to their country (maybe we can revive Trump Air). America proudly welcomes millions of lawful immigrants who enrich our society and contribute to our nation (never met one, but they must exist somewhere). But all Americans are hurt by uncontrolled, illegal migration (except my clubs who hire oodles of them on the cheap). It strains public resources and drives down jobs and wages (I’m making this last part up). Among those hardest hit are African Americans and Hispanic Americans (again totally made up).

Our southern border is a pipeline for vast quantities of illegal drugs, including meth, heroin, cocaine, and fentanyl (but a trickle compared to legal ports of entry and we aint doing shit about that because my donors would scream). Every week, 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90 percent of which floods across from our southern border (again through legal ports – but details, details). More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War (take it from Cadet Bone Spurs – I avoided that mess like the plague).  . . .

This is a humanitarian crisis — a crisis of the heart and a crisis of the soul (my doctors tell me I have a heart – an excellent heart, the finest heart of any President ever – as far as my soul goes – not so much). Last month, 20,000 migrant children were illegally brought into the United States — a dramatic increase. These children are used as human pawns (think voters here) by vicious coyotes and ruthless gangs. One in three women are sexually assaulted on the dangerous trek up through Mexico (where do I get this stuff?). Women and children are the biggest victims, by far, of our broken system. This is the tragic reality of illegal immigration on our southern border. This is the cycle of human suffering that I am determined to end (by sending them back to their home countries to be killed there – out of sight, out of mind as they say). My administration has presented Congress with a detailed proposal to secure the border and stop the criminal gangs, drug smugglers, and human traffickers (or so I am told – it was more than one paragraph so I didn’t read it). It’s a tremendous problem (and I know about problems). . . .

We have requested more agents, immigration judges, and bed space (Jr. Eric – pay attention here) to process the sharp rise in unlawful migration fueled by our very strong economy (had to throw that one in). Our plan also contains an urgent request for humanitarian assistance and medical support. Furthermore, we have asked Congress to close border security loopholes so that illegal immigrant children can be safely and humanely returned back home (again to be killed there). Finally, as part of an overall approach to border security, law enforcement professionals have requested $5.7 billion for a physical barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico was going to pay for).

At the request of Democrats, it will be a steel barrier rather than a concrete wall (my base might actually believe this BS – so why not say it). This barrier is absolutely critical to border security. It’s also what our professionals at the border want and need. This is just common sense. The border wall would very quickly pay for itself (trust me, I only ran almost every business I controlled myself into the ground). The cost of illegal drugs exceeds $500 billion a year — vastly more than the $5.7 billion we have requested from Congress. The wall will also be paid for, indirectly, by the great new trade deal we have made with Mexico (don’t ask me to explain or provide numbers because I can’t).  . . .

Democrats in Congress have refused to acknowledge the crisis (created by me). And they have refused to provide our brave border agents with the tools they desperately need to protect our families and our nation (except for the billions already appropriated). The federal government remains shut down for one reason and one reason only: because Democrats will not fund border security (I know I said I will own the shut down – but who on earth would believe anything I say). My administration is doing everything in our power to help those impacted by the situation. But the only solution is for Democrats to pass a spending bill that defends our borders and re-opens the government (or for me to cave).

This situation could be solved in a 45-minute meeting (or as I count time – 3 holes of golf). I have invited congressional leadership to the White House tomorrow to get this done. Hopefully, we can rise above partisan politics in order to support national security (because I am really desperate here). Some have suggested a barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico is going to pay for – but I repeat myself) is immoral (and of course I am an expert on immoral behavior). Then why do wealthy politicians build walls, fences, and gates around their homes (because people have dogs maybe?)? They don’t build walls because they hate the people on the outside (the poor), but because they love the people on the inside (the swells). The only thing that is immoral is the politicians to do nothing and continue to allow more innocent people to be so horribly victimized (by seeking a better life here). . . .

This is a choice between right (me and my promised agenda) and wrong (anything the Democrats want), justice and injustice (that sounds good, I think). This is about whether we fulfill our sacred duty to the American citizens we serve. When I took the Oath of Office, I swore to protect our country (meaning doing whatever is necessary to save my fat ass). And that is what I will always do (until I am impeached or resign in disgrace), so help me God (and God I need the help because of the bozos I’ve surrounded myself with). Thank you and goodnight (it’s Big Mac time).