Category Archives: Trumph – The Insult Comic President

Trump Begs – Red Translates

Red shares with you the latest from the daily onslaught of Trump campaign emails – with his usual translation for your EXCLUSIVE benefit. READ this today. DON’T WAIT. Act now and Red will match your reading pleasure. Let Red know that you stand with him. Okay, here goes:

“When children are [not in school] (you’ve got to wonder what the brilliant FOTUS actually said here – When children are not being taken hostage? – not being assaulted by school police?), they are missing more than just time in the classroom… (Absolutely correct – the US has gone almost 4 months without a school shooting – they are clearly missing the opportunity to dodge bullets) ”
– Melania Trump, First Lady of the United States

Friend,

Our First Lady is right (apparently really far right).

If schools around our Nation choose not to reopen soon (who knew we had so many sentient schools?), our children will miss so much more than just an education (see above) . The Invisible Enemy (okay people complained about my racist term for the virus so now I have a really clever new one – but the real invisible enemy would be my tax returns – good luck at ever seeing those) has already taken so much from our Country (I’ve obviously got to avoid talking about more than 100K that could have been prevented if I wasn’t such an imbecile – because it is so clear that I don’t give a shit about people and their silly little problems like unnecessary deaths. But what I really mean is that it has taken away my best shot at re-election) and we cannot allow it to take away our kids’ childhood too (soon they will be too old for even good ol’ Jeffrey Epstein).

As your President, I will not stand for that (I stand for the greater glorification of all things Donald J. Trump) America needs to get back on track (or my re-election is doomed).

It’s important that EVERY American (I almost choked on that one) comes together at a time like this to send a united message that SCHOOLS MUST RE-OPEN IN THE FALL (Again, my re-election comes first – the lives of your children are a such a small price to pay for another four years of my glorious leadership). I’m calling on YOU to make a public statement and add your name to stand with your President and our First Lady.

The Radical Left (the cancel everything party (Note from Red – Trump is apparently catching on to Red’s use of parentheses)) will try and keep our schools closed FOREVER (Where do I come up with this stuff? First, we claim that the schools are educating our children to by homo-loving Marxists and then I claim that Marxist homo-lovers want to keep the schools closed FOREVER – fortunately no one seems to pay attention to my BS). We need 1 MILLION signatures to show them where Real Americans (Democratic leftist pinkos need not apply) stand.

Thank you,

Donald J. Trump

Benedict Donald Wants Your Money

As Red has mentioned, the Greatest Con Man Who Has Ever Walked the Face of the Earth (aka Pres. Trump) somehow got Red’s email and now regularly – and by that Red means at least 5-6 times a day – sends an email begging for money. The typical email is filled to the brim with typical con man hype and Red finds it hard to believe that there is anyone who would fall for such utter bullshit. But then again, Trump – who clearly appears to be a traitor to our country – is still polling in the high 30’s, so as usual Red is behind the times. Here’s one of the latest most “con manny” emails with Red’s usual translation.

Friend (and by that I mean “mark”),

What I’m about to tell you is NOT public knowledge (except to the 5 million other marks who got this same email).

I am hosting a very important event soon (if I find time between rounds – maybe at the turn I can squeeze in 10 minutes) and I’ve requested that YOU (yes You) be my VIP guest. You’ve always been one of our TOP supporters, (despite having never given me a dime) so I’ve decided to do something extra special (Ivanka show the man what’s behind Curtain No. 1)…
 

I’ve unlocked an exclusive DOUBLE-ENTRY (see it’s like a game show) for YOU and YOU ONLY (and the 5 million)!
All you have to do is contribute ANY AMOUNT (but it had better be a lot) or more (a lot more) and you’ll automatically be entered TWICE to win a trip (yep, game show) to meet your favorite President (Lincoln’s dead so I’ll have to do) at my upcoming event (no mask required).

This offer is ONLY for you, Friend, so please DO NOT share this. (and if you are stupid enough to fall for this you probably won’t).

TRUMP PENCE MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN


Double-Entry: Unlocked. Meet President Trump. Contribute Now.

Remember, if you win (in addition to some lovely parting gifts),

  • We’ll cover your flight (a $500 value)
  • We’ll cover your stay at a very nice hotel (Trump Ramada Inn)
  • You’ll get VIP ACCESS (Virtually Ignored by President)
  • You’ll get to bring a guest of your choice (as long as she is young and hot)
  • And, you’ll even get to take a photo with me so we can remember it forever. (for a small additional charge).

This offer expires at 11:59 PM TONIGHT, Friend, so don’t wait until it’s too late.

You could knock Red over with an AK-47

Current polling indicates that the Lone Star State is in play for November.  As reported by the Dallas Morning News – not exactly a bastion of left-wing reporting – Trumph – the Insult Comic President and Joe Biden are in a statistical deadheat.

A new Dallas Morning News/University of Texas at Tyler poll shows that Trump and Biden are backed by 43% of poll respondents, with 5% opting for “other” candidates and only 9% undecided. Trump’s overall approval rating was 45%.

Red really will have to engage in some willing suspension of disbelief before he buys into the notion that Uncle Joe has a chance to carry Texas.  But if that well-below 50% approval rating holds, Trump’s reality TV show joke of a Presidency is in serious trouble.  If this polling is accurate and holds through the summer, then Trump absolutely must  divert some of his massive campaign war chest to Texas – a state he must win to prevail in 2020.  The result will be less time and resources to devote to the other “Battleground States” that are also critical to Trump being able to stay in office and out of the pokey.

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

Red translates some excerpts from Trump’s speech to the nation last night.  It was so reassuring that financial markets are now in a complete panic.

My fellow Americans: Tonight, I want to speak with you about our nation’s unprecedented (unprecedented in its incompetence) response to the coronavirus outbreak that started in China and is now spreading throughout the world.
Today, the World Health Organization officially announced that this is a global pandemic (I heard that was bad so I lied about it as long as possible).
We have been in frequent contact with our allies (Putin, Kim Jung Un and Bibi), and we are marshalling the full power of the federal government and the private sector to protect the American people (and more importantly my bottom line).
This is the most aggressive and comprehensive effort to confront a foreign virus in modern history (you know the one that last week I told you would be down to zero cases in a few days). I am confident that by counting and continuing to take these tough measures, we will significantly reduce the threat to our citizens, and we will ultimately and expeditiously defeat this virus (because “I am really good at war”).
From the beginning of time, nations and people have faced unforeseen challenges (like utterly incompetent leadership), including large-scale and very dangerous health threats. This is the way it always was and always will be (some live, some die, some get rich in the process). It only matters how you respond, and we are responding with great speed and professionalism (working on a time machine actually)
Our team is the best anywhere in the world (Be Best!). At the very start of the outbreak, we instituted sweeping travel restrictions on China and put in place the first federally mandated quarantine in over 50 years. We declared a public health emergency (which I pooh-poohed) and issued the highest level of travel warning on other countries as the virus spread its horrible infection.
And taking early intense action, we have seen dramatically fewer cases of the virus in the United States than are now present in Europe (aka our former Allies).
After consulting with our top government health professionals (that’s me in case you were wondering), I have decided to take several strong but necessary actions to protect the health and well being of all Americans.
To keep new cases from entering our shores, we will be suspending all travel from Europe (except countries where my golf resorts are located) to the United States for the next 30 days. The new rules will go into effect Friday at midnight. These restrictions will be adjusted subject to conditions on the ground.
These restrictions will also not apply to the United Kingdom (again – golf resorts).
Earlier this week, I met with the leaders of health insurance industry who have agreed to waive all copayments for coronavirus treatments, extend insurance coverage to these treatments, and to prevent surprise medical billing (in the meantime, I am desperately trying to figure out how to blame this on Obamacare).
We are cutting massive amounts of red tape (also known as scientific protocols) to make antiviral therapies available in record time (wait for the October surprise). These treatments will significantly reduce the impact and reach of the virus.
The vast majority of Americans: The risk is very, very low (really non-existent in my expert medical opinion). Young and healthy people (who unfortunately don’t vote for me) can expect to recover fully and quickly if they should get the virus. The highest risk is for elderly population with underlying health conditions. The elderly population must be very, very careful (and try to stay alive until November so you can vote for me).
Because of the economic policies that we have put into place over the last three years, we have the greatest economy anywhere in the world, by far (it had to come back to me at some point).
Our banks and financial institutions are fully capitalized and incredibly strong. Our unemployment is at a historic low. This vast economic prosperity (boy can I spin the bullshit)  gives us flexibility, reserves, and resources to handle any threat that comes our way (except electing a Democrat).
This is not a financial crisis (I’m an expert on that – see, e.g., my multiple bankruptcies), this is just a temporary moment of time that we will overcome together (please God, before November) as a nation and as a world (you ever notice how when things go wrong, it’s not all about me anymore).
Using emergency authority (and my Article 2 powers to  do whatever I want), I will be instructing the Treasury Department to defer tax payments, without interest or penalties, for certain individuals and businesses (mostly those who don’t need it) negatively impacted. This action will provide more than $200 billion of additional liquidity to the economy (and wouldn’t it be nice if I hadn’t already blown the deficit out of control with my rich guy tax cut).
We are at a critical time in the fight against the virus. We made a life-saving move with early action on China. Now we must take the same action with Europe. We will not delay. I will never hesitate to take any necessary steps to protect the lives, health, and safety of the American people. I will always put the well being of America first (and if you believe that, I have a failed casino to sell you and a bogus University for you to attend and a fake charity for you to contribute to and . . . I could go on for days here really).
If we are vigilant — and we can reduce the chance of infection, which we will — we will significantly impede the transmission of the virus. The virus will not have a chance against us (dramatic music rising in the background – I’m thinking theme from Patton).
No nation is more prepared or more resilient than the United States. We have the best economy, the most advanced healthcare, and the most talented doctors, scientists, and researchers anywhere in the world (and of course the best President – but that goes without saying).
We are all in this together. We must put politics aside, stop the partisanship (cancel the election), and unify together as one nation and one family (scum-sucking Democrats aside).
Our future remains brighter than anyone can imagine (I’ve gotta wear shades). Acting with compassion and love (and no one is more compassionate or loving than me – ask Stormy if you don’t believe me), we will heal the sick, care for those in need, help our fellow citizens (I asked for a picture of Jesus to be smiling at me from above, but they said no), and emerge from this challenge stronger and more unified (behind Trump that is) than ever before.

Trump Gives Limbaugh Medal

Trumph – the Insult Comic President – awarded right wing radio host Rush Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Racism, Misogyny, Deceit, Insult, Narcissism and Demagoguery (f/k/a the Presidential Medal of Freedom) during his Mis-State of the Union Address last night.   It was entirely fitting as Trump owes his entire political existence to the path that Limbaugh forged.  Before Limbaugh a philandering, lying, cheating, swearing, bankrupt, swindling con man such as Trump would have never found a home in what used to be a respected political party.  Limbaugh lowered the bar for entry by spreading his toxic brand of take-no-prisoners, right wing, utter bullshit to indoctrinate working class and poor whites into believing that Republicans had their best interests at heart.  Trump took advantage and has now rewarded his avatar.

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

I want to know who’s the person, who’s the person who gave the whistle-blower (scum-sucking weasel) the information (the evidence of my crimes). Because that’s close to a spy (and I know from spies because I’ve been a Russian agent for years).  Basically, that person never saw the report (Thank God), never saw the call (and a perfect call it was), he never saw the call (say it twice so they’ll remember), heard something and decided that he or she, or whoever the hell they saw (I’m losing my train of thought here)- they’re almost a spy (see above). You know what we used to do in the old days when we were smart (I’m thinking Spanish Inquisition here)? Right? The spies and treason (because it’s treason to expose my crimes – look it up – it’s right after Art. II where it says as President I can do whatever I want), we used to handle it a little differently than we do now (Are you listening out there? Please somebody kill these mofos now).

Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the whistleblower that just might take him down

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

I never met her (she was like maybe a 5 at best so why bother). She never treated me nicely (because she told the truth about me). But I would like to wish her family well (the guys in the press office made me say that). She was a professional, and I respect professionals (like Stormy Daniels).  I respect you guys a lot, you people a lot (for a bunch of lying scum that is). She was a real professional. Never treated me well (you know, because it’s all about me all the time), but I certainly respect her as a professional (if i say professional enough maybe someone will think that I am one too).

Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the death of Cokie Roberts.

Donald Trump Reads Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution

Since most of you out there (much like Trump) won’t take the time to actually read Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, Red will give you the Article as Trump would read it – as if he could be bothered with such triviality.

The executive Power (totally unlimited despite what follows) shall be vested in a President of the United States of America (that’s me). He shall hold his Office (it’s all mine) during the Term of four Years  (or more if I feel like it), and, together with the Vice President (usually a bozo like Sleepy Joe), chosen for the same Term, be elected, as follows

Each State shall appoint, in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a Number of Electors, equal to the whole Number of Senators and Representatives to which the State may be entitled in the Congress: but no Senator or Representative, or Person holding an Office of Trust or Profit under the United States, shall be appointed an Elector (this stuff is only important because it’s the only way I could get elected). 

* * *

The Congress may determine the Time of chusing (good spelling) the Electors, and the Day on which they shall give their Votes; which Day shall be the same throughout the United States.

No Person except a natural born Citizen (hear that Lying Ted?), or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years (unless really hot like Ivanka!), and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States (or one of Jeffrey Epstein’s houses).

In Case of the Removal of the President from Office, or of his Death, Resignation, or Inability to discharge the Powers and Duties of the said Office (never gonna happen so forget this shit), the Same shall devolve on the Vice President, and the Congress may by Law provide for the Case of Removal, Death, Resignation or Inability, both of the President and Vice President, declaring what Officer shall then act as President, and such Officer shall act accordingly, until the Disability be removed, or a President shall be elected.

The President shall, at stated Times, receive for his Services, a Compensation (a pittance), which shall neither be encreased nor diminished during the Period for which he shall have been elected, and he shall not receive within that Period any other Emolument from the United States, or any of them (is that like an unguent?).

Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, he shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:—”I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States (as long as it doesn’t get in my way).”

Section. 2.

The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States (because, you know, I am really good at war), and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States; he may require the Opinion (as if I needed that – or would read it), in writing, of the principal Officer in each of the executive Departments, upon any Subject relating to the Duties of their respective Offices, and he shall have Power to grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offences against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment.

He shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate (pack of weasels), to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

The President shall have Power to fill up all Vacancies (I’ve filled a few vacancies in my life – if you know what I mean) that may happen during the Recess of the Senate, by granting Commissions which shall expire at the End of their next Session.

Section. 3.

He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union (totally great from the minute I took office – a complete shithole before that), and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient; he may, on extraordinary Occasions, convene both Houses, or either of them, and in Case of Disagreement between them, with Respect to the Time of Adjournment, he may adjourn them to such Time as he shall think proper; he shall receive Ambassadors and other public Ministers (please bring presents); he shall take Care that the Laws be faithfully executed (if I feel like it), and shall Commission all the Officers of the United States.

Section. 4.

The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors (pay no attention to this part).

Section 5

And most importantly, he can do whatever he wants to. 

“Crazy Train” aka the Trump Reality TV Show Joke of a Presidency

Ozzy Osburne (through wife Sharon) has demanded that Trump immediately stop using his classic 1980 hit “Crazy Train.”  Trump (or the usual sycophants) had played the song over a clip of the Democratic Debate.   Now if Trump wanted to use the song for his own campaign or to characterize his presidency, Red thinks Ozzy could hardly object.

The song lyrics (complete with Red commentary):

Crazy, but that’s how it goes (crazy like a fox – like an old orange demented fox)
Millions of people living as foes (except the Russians of course)
Maybe it’s not too late (9:00 am tee time)
To learn how to love and forget how to hate (but what would the GOP be without hate? A bunch of old white guys mumbling in their coffee?)

Mental wounds not healing (enough said)
Life’s a bitter shame (unless Daddy gives you $400 million)
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

I’ve listened to preachers, I’ve listened to fools (hard to tell the difference among the evangelicals)
I’ve watched all the dropouts who make their own rules (would have dropped out but again Daddy)
One person conditioned to rule and control (that’s me suckers)
The media sells it and you live the role (God bless Roger Ailes) 

Mental wounds still screaming (you try marriage to Ivana)
Driving me insane (it was a short ride)
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

I know that things are going wrong for me (lying, f#(king pollsters)
You gotta listen to my words (off script of course)
Yeah

Heirs of a cold war, that’s what we’ve become (again I love the Russians)
Inheriting troubles, I’m mentally numb (inheriting oodles more like it – mentally ???)
Crazy, I just cannot bear
I’m living with something that just isn’t fair (fake news, Mueller, Biden, AOC, immigrants, the list goes on . . .)

Mental wounds stop healing (what?  I was contemplating this birdie putt) 
Who and what’s to blame (see above)
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train (our country’s going off the rails with a crazy con man)

Trumph (the Insult Comic President) Speaks – Red Translates

They were fake polls (you know the ones I previously claimed did not exist – well they actually exist but since they don’t look very good they must be fake under the irrefutable formula:  Makes me look bad = Fake!!) that were released by somebody (my treasonous paid pollsters apparently) that is — it’s ridiculous.  They’re giving out phony polls (phony, fake, whatever – I would consult a thesaurus if I knew what that was).  These are polls (that we have (yeah, the ones that previously did not exist), that nobody saw (like my tax returns). We do very little polling (just a daily poll or two – three on the weekends) because I’m not a huge believer in polling (except that Rasmussen fellow who is almost always wrong)… But we have some internal polling (bigly strong within the family)— very little — and it’s unbelievably strong (mostly because it’s unbelievable). The strongest I’ve ever been is exactly today (because you know – once a con man, always a con man).