They were fake polls (you know the ones I previously claimed did not exist – well they actually exist but since they don’t look very good they must be fake under the irrefutable formula: Makes me look bad = Fake!!) that were released by somebody (my treasonous paid pollsters apparently) that is — it’s ridiculous. They’re giving out phony polls (phony, fake, whatever – I would consult a thesaurus if I knew what that was). These are polls (that we have (yeah, the ones that previously did not exist), that nobody saw (like my tax returns). We do very little polling (just a daily poll or two – three on the weekends) because I’m not a huge believer in polling (except that Rasmussen fellow who is almost always wrong)… But we have some internal polling (bigly strong within the family)— very little — and it’s unbelievably strong (mostly because it’s unbelievable). The strongest I’ve ever been is exactly today (because you know – once a con man, always a con man).
My fellow Americans (aka suckers ripe for the taking): Tonight, I am speaking to you because there is a growing humanitarian (no Trump golf courses – imagine the horror) and security crisis at our southern border (mostly my fault but I’ll never let on). Every day, Customs and Border Patrol agents encounter thousands of illegal immigrants trying to enter our country. We are out of space to hold them (Jr., Eric are you listening – new brand idea – Trump Detention Centers), and we have no way to promptly return them back home to their country (maybe we can revive Trump Air). America proudly welcomes millions of lawful immigrants who enrich our society and contribute to our nation (never met one, but they must exist somewhere). But all Americans are hurt by uncontrolled, illegal migration (except my clubs who hire oodles of them on the cheap). It strains public resources and drives down jobs and wages (I’m making this last part up). Among those hardest hit are African Americans and Hispanic Americans (again totally made up).
Our southern border is a pipeline for vast quantities of illegal drugs, including meth, heroin, cocaine, and fentanyl (but a trickle compared to legal ports of entry and we aint doing shit about that because my donors would scream). Every week, 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90 percent of which floods across from our southern border (again through legal ports – but details, details). More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War (take it from Cadet Bone Spurs – I avoided that mess like the plague). . . .
This is a humanitarian crisis — a crisis of the heart and a crisis of the soul (my doctors tell me I have a heart – an excellent heart, the finest heart of any President ever – as far as my soul goes – not so much). Last month, 20,000 migrant children were illegally brought into the United States — a dramatic increase. These children are used as human pawns (think voters here) by vicious coyotes and ruthless gangs. One in three women are sexually assaulted on the dangerous trek up through Mexico (where do I get this stuff?). Women and children are the biggest victims, by far, of our broken system. This is the tragic reality of illegal immigration on our southern border. This is the cycle of human suffering that I am determined to end (by sending them back to their home countries to be killed there – out of sight, out of mind as they say). My administration has presented Congress with a detailed proposal to secure the border and stop the criminal gangs, drug smugglers, and human traffickers (or so I am told – it was more than one paragraph so I didn’t read it). It’s a tremendous problem (and I know about problems). . . .
We have requested more agents, immigration judges, and bed space (Jr. Eric – pay attention here) to process the sharp rise in unlawful migration fueled by our very strong economy (had to throw that one in). Our plan also contains an urgent request for humanitarian assistance and medical support. Furthermore, we have asked Congress to close border security loopholes so that illegal immigrant children can be safely and humanely returned back home (again to be killed there). Finally, as part of an overall approach to border security, law enforcement professionals have requested $5.7 billion for a physical barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico was going to pay for).
At the request of Democrats, it will be a steel barrier rather than a concrete wall (my base might actually believe this BS – so why not say it). This barrier is absolutely critical to border security. It’s also what our professionals at the border want and need. This is just common sense. The border wall would very quickly pay for itself (trust me, I only ran almost every business I controlled myself into the ground). The cost of illegal drugs exceeds $500 billion a year — vastly more than the $5.7 billion we have requested from Congress. The wall will also be paid for, indirectly, by the great new trade deal we have made with Mexico (don’t ask me to explain or provide numbers because I can’t). . . .
Democrats in Congress have refused to acknowledge the crisis (created by me). And they have refused to provide our brave border agents with the tools they desperately need to protect our families and our nation (except for the billions already appropriated). The federal government remains shut down for one reason and one reason only: because Democrats will not fund border security (I know I said I will own the shut down – but who on earth would believe anything I say). My administration is doing everything in our power to help those impacted by the situation. But the only solution is for Democrats to pass a spending bill that defends our borders and re-opens the government (or for me to cave).
This situation could be solved in a 45-minute meeting (or as I count time – 3 holes of golf). I have invited congressional leadership to the White House tomorrow to get this done. Hopefully, we can rise above partisan politics in order to support national security (because I am really desperate here). Some have suggested a barrier (f/k/a the Wall that Mexico is going to pay for – but I repeat myself) is immoral (and of course I am an expert on immoral behavior). Then why do wealthy politicians build walls, fences, and gates around their homes (because people have dogs maybe?)? They don’t build walls because they hate the people on the outside (the poor), but because they love the people on the inside (the swells). The only thing that is immoral is the politicians to do nothing and continue to allow more innocent people to be so horribly victimized (by seeking a better life here). . . .
This is a choice between right (me and my promised agenda) and wrong (anything the Democrats want), justice and injustice (that sounds good, I think). This is about whether we fulfill our sacred duty to the American citizens we serve. When I took the Oath of Office, I swore to protect our country (meaning doing whatever is necessary to save my fat ass). And that is what I will always do (until I am impeached or resign in disgrace), so help me God (and God I need the help because of the bozos I’ve surrounded myself with). Thank you and goodnight (it’s Big Mac time).
“Get me out of here.”
Donald Trumph – the Insult Comic President™ commenting as he walked off the stage at the G-20 Summit in Argentina.
Interestingly, at any given point in time about 55-60% of Americans would agree and gladly get him out of here. Red would agree as well but for the prospect of a Groveling Mike administration.
The latest craze (in the literal sense of the word) to hit the stuffed animal market is Trumpy Bear – an orange haired, red tie wearing, sort of scowling stuffed “grizzly bear” that unzips in the back to reveal an American flag. TB is not a spoof. It’s merely a joke of real product that fairly well mirrors the “Reality TV Show Joke of Presidency” that is the Trumph administration. TB is sold by a real Dallas-based company, Exceptional Products Inc. Exceptional Products is a “direct response” company. Such companies typically employ glib hucksters on extended TV commercials that urge gullible TV viewers to call now and get some miracle product that will enhance their lives in every possible way. One of the company’s signature products is Plaque Attack — a dental spray to remove plaque and cure bad breath of dogs and cats – a major scourge for our nation.
Fortunately for his readers, Red has the inside track on some of the lesser known features of Trumpy Bear.
Optional Russian flag to represent Trumpy Bear’s true allegiance.
Secret toy knife for backstabbing disloyal loyalists.
Pre-programmed to grab genitals of any woman with 8+ rating.
Not suitable for playing in the rain – might get hair mussed.
Big Mac secret sauce stains on tie.
Also available – Very hot Trumpy Bear Wife No. 4.
Made in China so as to Make America Great Again.
Free to Fox News employees.
Golf ball storage compartment in butthole. When your ball is lost and you don’t want to drop a stroke, TB secretly shits you a new one.
Red is now privy to a top-secret White House memorandum which outlines the fascinating process by which the Trumph administration vets and selects candidates to fill the most sensitive and important positions in the executive branch. As a marker of his efficiency, Trumph has streamlined the process which under previous presidents was unduly onerous and time consuming. It is now a straightforward four step inquiry.
- Does this person have a well-established track record as a conservative partisan political hack (bonus points for appearances on Fox News praising me – extra bonus points for being a Fox News employee)?
- Has this person engaged in unethical, fraudulent or questionable business practices involving the fleecing of average Americans?
- When push comes to shove, will this person set aside any moral convictions they might have, any allegiance to the rule of law or the U.S. Constitution, any consideration of past precedent or institutional norms and cover my fat ass at all costs without consideration of damage to their personal or political reputations?
- If yes, yes and yes – hire them!
Trumph – the Insult Comic President™ was in rare form the other night in North Dakota and the NoDaks in attendance were served up mostly a lot of talk about crowd size.
Let’s Start with Crowd Size Remarks:
I wish we could have had this stage back about 100 yards (then I wouldn’t have to be so close to so many smelly farmers). You’d see how many people. This place is packed (and smelly). Always, always, always talk about how this crowd is big and it could have been bigger (because bigness is bigly big-time important). This place is packed. The only thing more packed is outside, trying to get in. (take my word for it – people are being crushed to death trying to get in – but they are dying happy.) You know, we had the chance for a 24,000-seat arena (somewhere in Canada I think). And we should have taken it. (can I get a B, can I get an I, can I get a – um – never mind).
If crooked Hillary (never giving that one up because I know some crooked) would have won this election, and if she came here, which is about a 0% chance (you know, smelly), after the election she’d have 200 people in a conference room in a small hotel (owned by me). And I wish those cameras (but of course they are controlled by the scum-sucking enemies of “the people” – meaning me) would circle the room to see how many thousands of people are here (again bigly important), because, you know, on the screen I look — and all you see are those few beautiful, wonderful people (a few of whom don’t smell) — I don’t know who the hell I — but you’ve got a nice group over there (what am I even talking about – sometimes I don’t know). I know you have Mike and some others. They’re going to be so famous (and that folks is what it is all about). They never take those cameras off my face (it is the most handsome face in the world after all). Look at all the women (I once had a farm girl thing before my super-model phase).
And then Move on to His Brilliance:
Oh, I am so smart (so smart that I have to repeatedly tell you how smart I am). I am the smartest person (Euclid, Aristotle, Descartes, Newton, Rousseau, Jefferson, Einstein, Churchill, etc. – not fit to lick the shit off my shoes). My uncle was a great professor at MIT for 40 years. Can you believe? Forty years. I said, ‘But I’m smarter than him (I mean how much did he get paid). I’m smarter than anybody.’ (My IQ is like 2500).
And hurl a few insults – because after all that is what he does best:
I meet these people (okay they smell better than you). They call them the elite. These people. I look at them. I say, ‘That’s elite?’ (let me tell you – elite is having a naked super model in your bed). We got more money (the only thing that matters). We got more brains (see above – and now I’m thinking my IQ may actually be north of 3000). We got better houses (money), apartments (money). We got nicer boats (money). We’re smarter than they are (okay at least 3500). And they say, ‘The elite.” We are the super elite (we meaning me – most of you are pathetic losers – but what’s a conman without a ready supply of pathetic losers?).
As has been stated by numerous legal scholars (that would be Sekulow and Guiliani), I have the absolute right (really the duty to save this Country and placate all my supporters) to PARDON myself (After all, l’etat c’est moi, n’est pas – Melania taught me that one), but why would I do that (why do I do anything?) when I have done nothing wrong (which raises the question – why would I even mention that I can pardon myself if I have done nothing wrong. Answer: to drive MSNBC and CNN crazy)? In the meantime, the never ending Witch Hunt (and again – lots of damn witches), led by 13 very Angry and Conflicted Democrats (& others) (Commies to the last man) continues into the mid-terms (my last chance at avoiding disaster)!