If you need an explanation, Red pities you.

Red failed to note last week that Jeff Saturday was the first NFL Head Coach to win his debut without ever having coached at the collegiate or professional level (NFL or CFL) since the immortal Norm Van Brocklin was hired by the Minnesota Vikings in 1961. The Dutchman also won his debut. Hats off to Saturday, but the celebration in Indianapolis did not last very long.

1. Kansas City Chiefs – The Andy Reid Show starring Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce was back on the air this week. A hit with the viewers outside of So Cal.
2. Philadelphia Eagles – Losing the coin toss for the No. 1 spot this week. C’mon Eagles.
3. Miami Dolphins – VirTUAlly a lock for the playoffs right now.
4. Tennessee Titans – Count them out at your peril – as long as Mr. Henry is on the field.
5. Baltimore Ravens – Unimpressive against the Panthers, but they keep on winning after rocky start.
6. Buffalo Bills – A much needed course correction may be in process, but the surging Lions will be a challenge on Turkey Day.
7. Dallas Cowboys – What a freaking beatdown of the Vikings.
8. Minnesota Vikings – What a freaking beatdown by the Cowboys.
9. Seattle Seahawks – Still in the MixMaster – surprisingly.
10. New York Giants – Could be staggering around looking for a place to fall down.
11. New England Patriots – You cannot count them out – but the Pats have 5 likely playoff teams left on the schedule.
12. Cincinnati Bengals – Seeking redemption is going to be hard with the Titans, Chiefs, Bucs, Patriots, Bills and Ravens still on the schedule.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 5-5 record gets you first place in the sad sack of misery that is the NFC South.
14. San Francisco 49ers – The Niners offense is good enough to win a lot of games. Four winnable games left on the schedule.
15. New York Jets – Jets may find a place to fall right next to the Giants. Sad times in the Big Apple after a promising start.
16. Washington Commanders – On the frothy bubble of the playoffs with Heineke in command (pun intended).
17. Los Angeles Chargers – Continuing to find ways to lose winnable games.
18. Atlanta Falcons – Marcus Mariota hanging in there despite the criticism. Falcons may have played more close games than any other team so far this season.
19. Detroit Lions – Can Red’s 2022 Team of Destiny finally win a Thanksgiving Day game again after losing 5 straight (they lost 8 straight from 2004 -11). Bills are a tall order.
20. Indianapolis Colts – Saturday bombed on Sunday.
21. Arizona Cardinals – Red has to rank them somewhere. Your guess is as good as his.
22. Green Bay Packers – It will be a long, cold Wisconsin winter.
23. New Orleans Saints – Rusty Rifle throws 3 TDs. Arm is somehow still attached to shoulder.
24. Las Vegas Raiders – Signs of life have been detected in the desert.
25. Cleveland Browns – Jacoby Brisett doing the best he can – will be rewarded somewhere.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Somewhere someone cares what happens to the Jags. Maybe in the East End.
27. Denver Broncos – The line is flat. Very flat.
28. Pittsburgh Stealers – The vaunted defense keeps getting shredded.
29. Carolina Panthers – If you can’t say anything nice . . .
30. Chicago Bears – Should not be this bad.
31. Los Angeles Rams – Red hears that Hawaii is nice in January.
32. Houston Texans – No. 1 pick next season almost locked up. Don’t screw it up.

After an extended trip to our friendly neighbors across the North Atlantic (where is discovered something called the European League of American Football or something to that effect (Red’s new favorite team is the Berlin Thunder just because Berlin teams suck so badly in the Bundesleague) Red is ready to get back in the game.

1. Minnesota Vikings – The typical Vikings game is get big lead, blow it, get lead back, blow it, win on last drive. Can this keep up?
2. Philadelphia Eagles – Red pledged to rank them No. 1 until defeated. But defeated by the Commanders – by double digits? That’s like a double loss.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – They just keep finding ways to win with different players every week.
4. Miami Dolphins – Sights are now set on the AFC Championship. But see KC Chiefs.
5. New York Giants – Daniel Jones doubters are having second thoughts.
6. Baltimore Ravens – Lamar Jackson seems unstoppable at times.
7. Buffalo Bills – Josh Allen cannot continue to be a turnover machine as he was in loss to Vikings.
8. Tennessee Titans – Even a slightly pathetic passing attack is enough to win as long as Derrick Henry is on the field.
9. San Francisco 49ers – Screw the Garrapolo haters. He is the best thing to happen to the Niners in quite a while.
10. New York Jets – You can’t lose much ground if you don’t play.
11. New York Giants – You play the Texans. You beat the Texans, or else Red punishes you.
12. Dallas Cowboys – Crushing loss to the reeling Packers could spell the end for Dak P.
13. Cincinnati Bengals – A good time for a bye week. Next up – crushing the Stealers.
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tom Brady is wondering if they can play all their games in Bavaria.
15. Seattle Seahawks – Who isn’t happy for Geno Smith? Maybe Broncos fans?
16. New England Patriots – Slowly creeping back towards relevancy. The last wildcard spot may be within reach at this rate.
17. Washington Commanders – Who had the Commanders beating the Eagles? Anyone, anyone, Bueller, anyone?
18. Los Angeles Chargers – Should be better. Aren’t.
19. Arizona Cardinals – Amazingly, not out of it yet after another crappy start to the season. Tired old Colt McCoy not looking either tired or old saves the bacon.
20. Chicago Bears – Topping this week’s list of teams Red wishes would just go away.
21. Detroit Lions – Could a win over the Bears turn this season around for the Lions. Red is going all in on the Lions finishing at 9-8.
22. New Orleans Saints – Who dat? Who cares?
23. Atlanta Falcons – Unfortunately, Marcus Mariota is now sucking.
24. Cleveland Browns – Just let D. Watson sit another season. This one is slipping away.
25. Pittsburgh Stealers – They can beat worse teams. Unfortunately there are a whole lot of them left.
26. Indianapolis Colts – The Reich Reich ends as all riechs must. Long live Jeff Saturday. NFL GM’s now scouring the ranks of high school football coaches.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars – Somehow the Jags have won 3 games. Please explain to Red.
28. Carolina Panthers – They should be ranked lower, but how low can you go?
29. Los Angeles Rams – Red enjoyed typing this.
30. Las Vegas Raiders – Red predicts a Las Vegas team will never win anything. The A’s beware.
31. Denver Broncos – Eeeeew!
32. Houston Texans – The Texans lick the sweat off a dead man’s balls.

Red will be out of pocket for the next couple of weeks, so loyal readers may have to wait until Week 10 to partake from the weekly fountain of wisdom from Paradise in Hell.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles are number one until someone beats them and then maybe even after that.
2. Buffalo Bills – The Bills are probably the best team going. But see the Eagles.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Coming off the bye week they face this generation’s best running back in Derrick Henry – who single-handedly (or footedly) carried the Titans to victory last week.
4. Minnesota Vikings – Continuing to romp through the weakened NFC North. After the Commanders this week, however, things are going to get tougher.
5. Tennessee Titans – Something very strange would have to happen for the Titans to lose the AFC South.
6. Dallas Cowboys – Can they beat the Eagles? Or any good team for that matter?
7. Miami Dolphins – Tua is healthy and impressive. A tough out for any team.
8. Baltimore Ravens – After some stumbles, the Ravens seem pointed in the right direction after dismantling the Buccaneers.
9. Seattle Seahawks – If you had the Seahawks to be on top of the NFC West at this point in the season, please send Red your stock picks.
10. New York Giants – Red chalks up the loss to the Seahawks to the triple-reverse time zone hex, but this team needs to snap back quickly. A bye week and then the Texans and Lions should be a cure for whatever ails you.
11. New York Jets – Still hanging around but could go 3-6 to close the season.
12. New England Patriots – Just when you were ready to call Bellicheat down for the count . .
13. Atlanta Falcons – With a relatively weak remaining schedule a 6-3 finish is not out of the question and neither are the playoffs.
14. Los Angeles Chargers – Unleash Justin Herbert!!!!
15. San Francisco 49ers – If they play like they did against the Rams they could win the NFC West. But they may have to beat the Seahawks twice. Good luck with that.
16. Washington Commanders – This may be is as good as it gets but it’s way better than anyone predicted so far.
17. Cleveland Browns – Nick Chubb saved the season last night. Maybe D. Watson can get them into the playoffs.
18. Cincinnati Bengals – The hardest team to figure in the league right now.
19. New Orleans Saints – Beating up a bad Raiders team is a step in the right direction.
20. Los Angeles Rams – We’ve got trouble, right here in the City of Angels and that starts with T and that rhymes with C and that stands for Superb Owl Curse.
21. Indianapolis Colts – Apparently, Matty Ice was not the problem.
22. Green Bay Packers – Failing in all aspects of the game right now.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Brady looks tired and old but don’t count him out just yet.
24. Denver Broncos – Topping the “Who Gives a Shit” List this week.
25. Chicago Bears – Staying in games for a half isn’t good enough.
26. Arizona Cardinals – Last chance to save the season against the Seahawks this week.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars – Trevor Lawrence, let me introduce you to Mr. David Carr.
28. Pittsburgh Stealers – Ugh!
29. Carolina Panthers – Double Ugh!
30. Las Vegas Raiders – Still the biggest disappointment of the season.
31. Houston Texans – Dameon Pierce is making a case for Offensive Rookie of the Year – a bright spot in another dismal season.
32. Detroit Lions – The Lions have taken their rightful place in the cellar at last.