Author Archives: Red from Texas

About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Trump Writes (Begs) – Red Translates

Friend (and easy mark),

Many people are talking about it (mostly me and a couple of senile geezers over bagels at Mar-a-Lago) and YES, IT’S TRUE (and also FALSE) my plane, Trump Force One (Clever, huh?), is looking BETTER THAN EVER (BETTER THAN IVANKA and we know she is the best looking woman God ever created).

I told my team (of ever shrinking sycophants) I want YOU to have the chance (1 in a million if there enough suckers out there – but I’m telling you there’s a chance) to see it for YOURSELF.

THAT’S RIGHT, YOU COULD WIN A TOUR of TRUMP FORCE ONE (5 minutes max so you don’t stink it up and the we will run you back to Motel 6).

But, not only will you get your own EXCLUSIVE tour of my plane (I’ll show you where they keep the Depends)… but we’ll even take a picture (with a cardboard cut out of me) so that we can remember the moment forever (what was your name again?).

An invitation like this can only be extended to a very small and select group of my very BEST supporters (meaning everyone on the mailing list) , and I want YOU to have this opportunity of a lifetime (they taught me this pitch at Con Man U).

I’ve NEVER done this before (I mean this exact con), and I might not be able to do it ever again (Because I’ll either be in jail or TF1 will be repossessed). I need you to ENTER NOW before it’s too late (Because I need money like a fish needs water).

Contribute ANY AMOUNT IMMEDIATELY (but anything less than C-Note gets ignored) for a chance to win a TOUR of Trump Force One and meet your FAVORITE President (before he goes to jail).

Friend, my team needs to finalize the arrangements soon (getting out the Dustbusters and wet wipes), so I need to know if you want this EXCLUSIVE TRUMP FORCE ONE experience to be YOURS (but don’t worry too much because there are as many ways to fleece the rubes as there are blades of grass at Mar-a-Lago).

My team activated a link for you below to claim your offer. This offer won’t be around forever, so please don’t wait (Money Now!!!!).

Please contribute $50 or more RIGHT NOW (DAMN IT) to secure your chance to win a trip to tour Trump Force One and meet yours truly (or a reasonable facsimile thereof).

Thank you,

Donald J. Trump (Inmate Number to be assigned)

Red’s Weekly 2022 NFL Roundup – Week 16

After the Argentina-France barn-burner Sunday morning, Red had pretty much had his fill of sports excitement for the day. Red did tune in just in time to see the latest version of Tom Brady sucking – so it was a good day. For the rest of the season, Red will be providing a bit more commentary for each team – time permitting.

  1. Philadelphia Eagles – WIth Jalen Hurts out can Gardner Minshew aka Leroy the Redneck Reindeer step up for a week or two and keep the Eagles run of excellence alive? The 2019 version of Minshew would have made him an all-pro in the 70’s.
  2. Buffalo Bills – Josh Allen is making a case for MVP and with Hurts hurt he just might get it. It’s a tough road to the Superb Owl if it leads through Orchard Park in January.
  3. Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are barely beating bad teams. That is not a good look in mid-December.
  4. Cincinnati Bengals – Still the hottest team in the AFC and reaching for the top seed if they can hang on the next couple of weeks with some key defenders out. A show down against Buffalo looms on Jan. 2. That is must-see TV.
  5. San Francisco 49ers – Red will be seasoning his crow with thyme and lemon if the Niners keep it together for another 3 weeks.
  6. Minnesota Vikings – Rallying back from 33 down is impressive even if it was against the Colts. That kind of game can turn a season around.
  7. Baltimore Ravens – The NFL called – it’s looking for the Ravens’ offense.
  8. Los Angeles Chargers – The Chargers get the 8 spot based on their relatively easy remaining schedule. If they can’t beat the Raiders, Colts and Broncos to close it out then they deserve to be sitting at home in January.
  9. Dallas Cowboys – The Pokes have looked bad two weeks in a row against inferior competition. The annual Cowboys December Swoon looks like a real possibility if they can’t find a way to beat the Eagles on Sunday.
  10. New York Giants – The Giants are back from the dead after beating the Commandos. However, remaining games against the Vikings and Eagles could return them to the morgue.
  11. Miami Dolphins – Speaking of morgues – the Dolphins are the team most currently staggering around looking for a place to fall after three straight losses. An absolute must win game against the Packers this week.
  12. Tennessee Titans – It pains Red to have put the Titans anywhere near the top half of the league. Fortunately a game against the Texans is a tonic for what ails you. It still looks like a showdown on Week 18 against the Jags for the faded crown of the AFC South.
  13. Washington Commanders – Losing to the previously staggering around Giants could be the death knell for playoff hopes. Some team will probably beat the Niners down the stretch – but it won’t be this one.
  14. Detroit Lions – Red’s 2022 NFL Team of Destiny has three very winnable games against the Panthers, Bears and Packers.
  15. Seattle Seahawks – After two straight losses and with KC looming on the horizon this is probably the high point for the Seahawks from here in.
  16. Jacksonville Jaguars – It is nice to have your fate in your own hands. Win 3 and the Jags are in the playoffs.
  17. New York Jets – It was fun while it lasted.
  18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – On track to be the worst team to make the playoffs since the 2018 Texans.
  19. Las Vegas Raiders – The wildest victory of the year has kept Raiders’ hopes alive.
  20. New England Patriots – The wildest loss of the year has kept Bellicheat’s cardiologist in business.
  21. Green Bay Packers – Yes, the Packers can still make the playoffs. No the Packers won’t make the playoffs.
  22. Cleveland Browns – The second best 6-8 team in the league. Big Whoop!
  23. Atlanta Falcons – Mariota is done, but the Falcons aren’t quite yet. The NFC South is totally up for grabs.
  24. New Orleans Saints – The NFC South is totally up for grabs.
  25. Carolina Panthers – The NFC South is totally up for grabs. Are you sensing a trend here?
  26. Pittsburgh Stealers – The Steal Crew is not going down without a fight, but it is going down.
  27. Arizona Cardinals – The most under-achieving team in the league this season, last season and probably next season.
  28. Chicago Bears – Bad news doesn’t begin to describe this season.
  29. Los Angeles Rams – It will be a very long road back to relevancy.
  30. Denver Broncos – Will need a road map to even find the road back to relevancy.
  31. Houston Texans – Showing signs of life in taking the Cowboys and Chiefs down to the wire in consecutive weeks. Red predicts a couple of wins to close out the season and still not spoil the No. 1 draft spot.
  32. Indianapolis Colts – Any time you blow a 33 point lead, Red is going to rank you dead last.

Red’s 2022 NFL Weekly Roundup – Week 15

Red played golf on Sunday rather than watch what seemed to be a rather mediocre line-up of games. When a Dolphins-Chargers game is the marquee match-up, it’s time to get out the sticks and get some fresh air. Read on.

  1. Philadelphia Eagles – Still appear to be the class of the league after dismembering the fading Giants.
  2. Kansas City Chiefs – A bit creaky in a close win over a bad Broncos team. Three INTs from Mahomes almost cost them a win.
  3. Buffalo Bills – It’s a toss-up for the best team in the AFC right now.
  4. Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals are playing as good as any team right now. 7-1 over the last 8 games.
  5. San Francisco 49ers – Brock Purdy leads absolute beat down of the Buccaneers. Is Mr. Irrelevant the real deal? He has a chance to prove it with 4 more winnable games and a chance at No. 1 seed in NFC.
  6. Dallas Cowboys – Still on track for the No. 1 seed, but a last minute drive to beat the hapless Texans is not a good sign. Cowboys are going to have to win it on the road with only an Eagles home game left.
  7. Baltimore Ravens – The Birds need to win the next three because they aint beating the Bengals in Cincy to close out the regular season.
  8. Minnesota Vikings – Looking more and more like pretenders – not contenders.
  9. Miami Dolphins – The aquatic mammals are the only 8-5 team in the league. That alone gets them in Red’s top ten.
  10. Seattle Seahawks – It’s gut check time for the Falconos Marinos with games against the Niners and Chiefs up next. Two wins and they will probably be in as a Wildcard.
  11. Washington Commanders – Are in Red’s top ten. The end times are near.
  12. New York Giants – Staggering around looking for a place to fall after getting thrashed by Eagles.
  13. New York Jets – Will have to trip over the Giants to find their place on the ground. Scored an impressive 5 points in the 4th quarter of a winnable game against the underperforming Bills.
  14. Tennessee Titans – Will they hoist another NFC South Champions banner? Does anyone care?
  15. Los Angeles Chargers – The Chargers and every team listed above could make the playoffs. How sad is that?
  16. Detroit Lions – Red’s 2022 NFL Team of Destiny have scored more than 30 points six times this season. If the defense ever shows up . . .
  17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Right now an 8-9 finish looks like a big ask.
  18. New England Patriots – The only 6-6 team looks to be going nowhere fast as the season closes with the Bengals, Dolphins and Bills.
  19. Atlanta Falcons – Which shitty team heads the list of teams all but out of it? Why the Falcons of course.
  20. Carolina Panthers – Red puts them here just to insult the Packers.
  21. Green Bay Packers – Have packed it in.
  22. Cleveland Browns – Will have to wait 3 years to play the Texans again.
  23. Pittsburgh Stealers – A missed FG away from beating the Ravens.
  24. Jacksonville Jaguars – After beating the Titans , the Jags are still – incredibly- in the hunt for the AFC South Crown (curiously shaped like a dunce cap). If they beat the Cowboys next week all bets are off.
  25. New Orleans Saints – Are nothing if not boring.
  26. Denver Broncos – Are boring.
  27. Arizona Cardinals – You heard it here first – Kliff Kingsbury to Jackson State. Let’s hope his middle name doesn’t start with K.
  28. Los Angeles Rams – Beating the Raiders is but a rung on the long ladder back to relevancy.
  29. Las Vegas Raiders – Do they have slot machines at home games?
  30. Chicago Bears – Red is starting wonder if the Bears are in for a long haul of sucking.
  31. Indianapolis Colts – It is with great satisfaction that Red ranks the Colts at No. 31.
  32. Houston Texans -Beating the Cowboys would have been sweet.

Red’s 2022 Weekly NFL Roundup – Week 14

Red was busy and missed all of the games this week. Do you think that will stop him from spouting off? Think again.

  1. Philadelphia Eagles – Strong outings from Brown and Smith. When they are on – its the best receiving combo in the league. If they had a top back the offense might be even more unstoppable than it is.
  2. Buffalo Bills – Life without Von Miller is livable. Domination of their long time nemesis Patriots puts the Bills back in the mix for top team in the league.
  3. Cincinnati Bengals – Seem to be peaking at about the right time. Just ask the Chiefs.
  4. Dallas Cowboys – The biggest mismatch of the season against the hapless Texans.
  5. Kansas City Chiefs – Not headed in the right direction at this point in the season.
  6. Minnesota Vikings – Playing in a shit division certainly helps.
  7. San Francisco 49ers – This is probably the apex after losing Jimmy G. for the season. It’s time for Mr. Irrelevant Brock Purdy to show that he is no joke.
  8. Miami Dolphins – Not able to play with the Big Boy Defenses yet.
  9. Tennessee Titans – Getting stomped by the Eagles puts you in pretty good company.
  10. Baltimore Ravens – The season hinges on Lamar Jackson’s knee.
  11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Playing in a shit division helps. Can they beat a playoff team?
  12. Seattle Seahawks – Red becoming huge Geno Smith fan.
  13. Washington Commanders – Who had the Commanders making the playoffs? Anyone, anyone, Bueller, anyone?
  14. New York Giants – Hanging on for dear life right now.
  15. New York Jets – The Jets are anything but boring – which in and of itself is a vast improvement from seasons past.
  16. Detroit Lions – Red’s 2022 Team of Destiny has won 4 of 5 (losing only to the Bills) and the offense is back on track.
  17. Los Angeles Chargers – Still hanging in there for the last playoff spot?
  18. Las Vegas Raiders – Red has advantage of posting on Friday and having seen the Raiders lose to Baker Fucking Mayfield.
  19. New England Patriots – The Pats are the worst thing in the world – they are boring.
  20. Cleveland Browns – Browns scored fewer points than there are allegations against Mr. Watson against hapless Texans.
  21. Green Bay Packers – They beat the Bears. Big Whoop!
  22. Pittsburgh Stealers – Some signs of life detected in steel town.
  23. New Orleans Saints – Almost beat the Bucs with the Rusty Rifle at the helm.
  24. Chicago Bears – Topping the who gives a shit list this week.
  25. Arizona Cardinals – Still wondering why JJ Watt thought this was a good place to land.
  26. Jacksonville Jaguars –
  27. Los Angeles Rams – Baker just needed some sunshine apparently.
  28. Atlanta Falcons – Amazingly not out of it in the Pathetic Excuse for a Professional Football Division that is the NFC South.
  29. Carolina Panthers – Are they still around?
  30. Indianapolis Colts – Ugh!
  31. Denver Broncos – Double Ugh!
  32. Houston Texans – If you just don’t like people and hate being in a crowd consider attending a Texans home game.

Trump Writes – Red Translates

The latest missive from the twice-impeached and hopefully soon to be indicted Realty TV Show Joke of a Former President.

Friend (or rube, sucker or mark – your choice),

I need to speak with YOU (and your checkbook).

The 2024 Presidential Election will be the most HISTORIC in our Nation (because I will be the first ever to lose the popular vote three, count ’em three times). It will be the day that we will take back (or steal if need be) our Nation from the radical Left (commies to the man) and put the needs of the American people FIRST (meaning my bottom line).

Remember, this will not be my campaign (I aint funding this boondoggle). This will be our campaign all together (my lies, insults and depraved ranting and your money). Because the only force strong enough to defeat the massive corruption (and I know about corruption) we are up against (I gotta stay out of jail) is you the American People (and most importantly your money).

According to my Official Patriot Records (kept securely in a closet at Mar-A-Lago), YOU are one of the Top Patriots in YOUR AREA (what an honor). Because of this, I need YOU to update your records and complete the Official 2024 Trump Agenda Survey (which of course ends with you giving me money).

I made big promises to the American People in 2016 (forget about Mexico paying for the Wall, a great new health care plan, draining the swamp, locking her up and other foolish things I said), and unlike other presidents, I KEPT THEM (who are you going to believe me or your lying eyes). I intend to do it AGAIN, but I need YOUR input (read MONEY!!!!!! – that’s what I want, I want MONEY!!!!)

Please complete this form and have your Official 2024 Trump Agenda Survey response recorded by MIDNIGHT TONIGHT (an artificial deadline is always important in a con game).

Under Biden and the Radical Democrats, America has been mocked, derided, and brought to its knees (unlike when I was the most hated man in the world), perhaps like never before in our history (the Civil War twas but a flesh wound). But, it does NOT have to be this way (you can have your favorite wannabe dictator back).

Two years ago, we were a great Nation (that is, if you like recession, an out of control pandemic, corruption in the Oval Office, complete fools running stuff, Q-Anon, and pandering to almost every dictator on the globe)—and soon, we will be a great nation again (after I get stomped in 24 or am locked up in the pokey).

Friend, I don’t trust anyone else’s input (now that Ivanka and her idiot husband have abandoned this sinking ship) as much as I trust YOURS (money talks and bullshit walks), which is why I need you to URGENTLY complete my 2024 Trump Agenda Survey RIGHT AWAY (and don’t forget that last question where you have to donate money to me).

Hurry and complete this form to update your Official 2024 Trump Agenda Survey records so that I can review (throw away) your answers (and pocket your money).

Thank you,

Donald J. Trump

Red’s Weekly 2022 NFL Roundup – Week 13

Parity has not been the NFL’s strong suit this year. The top teams are pretty clearly separated from the pretenders, the also rans and the pathetic – with lots more pathetic than usual.

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Rolling, rolling, rolling.
  2. Philadelphia Eagles – Jalen Hurts – MVP, MVP, MVP.
  3. Buffalo Bills – The road to the Superb Owl still leads through KC.
  4. Miami Dolphins – Tua looking like second coming of Dan Marino.
  5. Minnesota Vikings – Will the bed-shitting against the Cowboys matter at playoff time?
  6. Dallas Cowboys – Primed for the annual December swoon?
  7. Baltimore Ravens – Will be dangerous if they figure out how to close out games.
  8. Cincinnati Bengals – Impressive take down of Titans
  9. Tennessee Titans – Move aside for Mr. Henry – or get run over – your choice unless wearing Bengals uniform.
  10. San Francisco 49ers – Still getting lots of buzz. Red wonders?
  11. Washington Commanders – Odds on favorite for biggest surprise of 2022.
  12. Seattle Seahawks – Not headed in the right direction. Defense has fallen apart.
  13. New York Jets – The “Mike White Era” begins with a bang.
  14. Los Angeles Chargers – A few more wins – an early playoff exit.
  15. New England Patriots – More down than up, but still dangerous.
  16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Red’s dream of a 6-10 making the playoffs died with the addition of game 17. He still holds out hope for 7-10.
  17. New York Giants – The third best team in New York.
  18. Atlanta Falcons – One goal pick away from a better rating.
  19. Indianapolis Colts – A season in disarray.
  20. Arizona Cardinals – Is Kingsbury packing his bags yet?
  21. Detroit Lions – Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Didn’t.
  22. Jacksonville Jaguars – Wait til next year!
  23. Pittsburgh Stealers – Wait til 2025.
  24. New Orleans Saints – Still the best fans, not a very good team.
  25. Las Vegas Raiders – Some people are high on the Raiders after two consecutive OT wins. Of course, some people are high.
  26. Carolina Panthers – Does Red really need to comment on this team?
  27. Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers to the Rams?
  28. Cleveland Browns – If Lovie Smith doesn’t rush 7 or 8 on every play against D. Watson he needs to go.
  29. Chicago Bears – We have probably seen the last of Justin Fields this season. And who doesn’t want to watch some Trevor Semien highlights?
  30. Denver Broncos – Murphy’s Law in action.
  31. Houston Texans – Red predicts win over Browns.
  32. Los Angeles Rams – Red giving the Texans a break this week.

Red’s Weekly 2022 NFL Roundup – Week 11

Red failed to note last week that Jeff Saturday was the first NFL Head Coach to win his debut without ever having coached at the collegiate or professional level (NFL or CFL) since the immortal Norm Van Brocklin was hired by the Minnesota Vikings in 1961. The Dutchman also won his debut. Hats off to Saturday, but the celebration in Indianapolis did not last very long.

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – The Andy Reid Show starring Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce was back on the air this week. A hit with the viewers outside of So Cal.
  2. Philadelphia Eagles – Losing the coin toss for the No. 1 spot this week. C’mon Eagles.
  3. Miami Dolphins – VirTUAlly a lock for the playoffs right now.
  4. Tennessee Titans – Count them out at your peril – as long as Mr. Henry is on the field.
  5. Baltimore Ravens – Unimpressive against the Panthers, but they keep on winning after rocky start.
  6. Buffalo Bills – A much needed course correction may be in process, but the surging Lions will be a challenge on Turkey Day.
  7. Dallas Cowboys – What a freaking beatdown of the Vikings.
  8. Minnesota Vikings – What a freaking beatdown by the Cowboys.
  9. Seattle Seahawks – Still in the MixMaster – surprisingly.
  10. New York Giants – Could be staggering around looking for a place to fall down.
  11. New England Patriots – You cannot count them out – but the Pats have 5 likely playoff teams left on the schedule.
  12. Cincinnati Bengals – Seeking redemption is going to be hard with the Titans, Chiefs, Bucs, Patriots, Bills and Ravens still on the schedule.
  13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 5-5 record gets you first place in the sad sack of misery that is the NFC South.
  14. San Francisco 49ers – The Niners offense is good enough to win a lot of games. Four winnable games left on the schedule.
  15. New York Jets – Jets may find a place to fall right next to the Giants. Sad times in the Big Apple after a promising start.
  16. Washington Commanders – On the frothy bubble of the playoffs with Heineke in command (pun intended).
  17. Los Angeles Chargers – Continuing to find ways to lose winnable games.
  18. Atlanta Falcons – Marcus Mariota hanging in there despite the criticism. Falcons may have played more close games than any other team so far this season.
  19. Detroit Lions – Can Red’s 2022 Team of Destiny finally win a Thanksgiving Day game again after losing 5 straight (they lost 8 straight from 2004 -11). Bills are a tall order.
  20. Indianapolis Colts – Saturday bombed on Sunday.
  21. Arizona Cardinals – Red has to rank them somewhere. Your guess is as good as his.
  22. Green Bay Packers – It will be a long, cold Wisconsin winter.
  23. New Orleans Saints – Rusty Rifle throws 3 TDs. Arm is somehow still attached to shoulder.
  24. Las Vegas Raiders – Signs of life have been detected in the desert.
  25. Cleveland Browns – Jacoby Brisett doing the best he can – will be rewarded somewhere.
  26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Somewhere someone cares what happens to the Jags. Maybe in the East End.
  27. Denver Broncos – The line is flat. Very flat.
  28. Pittsburgh Stealers – The vaunted defense keeps getting shredded.
  29. Carolina Panthers – If you can’t say anything nice . . .
  30. Chicago Bears – Should not be this bad.
  31. Los Angeles Rams – Red hears that Hawaii is nice in January.
  32. Houston Texans – No. 1 pick next season almost locked up. Don’t screw it up.

Red’s Weekly 2022 NFL Roundup – Week 10

After an extended trip to our friendly neighbors across the North Atlantic (where is discovered something called the European League of American Football or something to that effect (Red’s new favorite team is the Berlin Thunder just because Berlin teams suck so badly in the Bundesleague) Red is ready to get back in the game.

  1. Minnesota Vikings – The typical Vikings game is get big lead, blow it, get lead back, blow it, win on last drive. Can this keep up?
  2. Philadelphia Eagles – Red pledged to rank them No. 1 until defeated. But defeated by the Commanders – by double digits? That’s like a double loss.
  3. Kansas City Chiefs – They just keep finding ways to win with different players every week.
  4. Miami Dolphins – Sights are now set on the AFC Championship. But see KC Chiefs.
  5. New York Giants – Daniel Jones doubters are having second thoughts.
  6. Baltimore Ravens – Lamar Jackson seems unstoppable at times.
  7. Buffalo Bills – Josh Allen cannot continue to be a turnover machine as he was in loss to Vikings.
  8. Tennessee Titans – Even a slightly pathetic passing attack is enough to win as long as Derrick Henry is on the field.
  9. San Francisco 49ers – Screw the Garrapolo haters. He is the best thing to happen to the Niners in quite a while.
  10. New York Jets – You can’t lose much ground if you don’t play.
  11. New York Giants – You play the Texans. You beat the Texans, or else Red punishes you.
  12. Dallas Cowboys – Crushing loss to the reeling Packers could spell the end for Dak P.
  13. Cincinnati Bengals – A good time for a bye week. Next up – crushing the Stealers.
  14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tom Brady is wondering if they can play all their games in Bavaria.
  15. Seattle Seahawks – Who isn’t happy for Geno Smith? Maybe Broncos fans?
  16. New England Patriots – Slowly creeping back towards relevancy. The last wildcard spot may be within reach at this rate.
  17. Washington Commanders – Who had the Commanders beating the Eagles? Anyone, anyone, Bueller, anyone?
  18. Los Angeles Chargers – Should be better. Aren’t.
  19. Arizona Cardinals – Amazingly, not out of it yet after another crappy start to the season. Tired old Colt McCoy not looking either tired or old saves the bacon.
  20. Chicago Bears – Topping this week’s list of teams Red wishes would just go away.
  21. Detroit Lions – Could a win over the Bears turn this season around for the Lions. Red is going all in on the Lions finishing at 9-8.
  22. New Orleans Saints – Who dat? Who cares?
  23. Atlanta Falcons – Unfortunately, Marcus Mariota is now sucking.
  24. Cleveland Browns – Just let D. Watson sit another season. This one is slipping away.
  25. Pittsburgh Stealers – They can beat worse teams. Unfortunately there are a whole lot of them left.
  26. Indianapolis Colts – The Reich Reich ends as all riechs must. Long live Jeff Saturday. NFL GM’s now scouring the ranks of high school football coaches.
  27. Jacksonville Jaguars – Somehow the Jags have won 3 games. Please explain to Red.
  28. Carolina Panthers – They should be ranked lower, but how low can you go?
  29. Los Angeles Rams – Red enjoyed typing this.
  30. Las Vegas Raiders – Red predicts a Las Vegas team will never win anything. The A’s beware.
  31. Denver Broncos – Eeeeew!
  32. Houston Texans – The Texans lick the sweat off a dead man’s balls.

Red’s 2022 Weekly NFL Roundup – Week 8

Red will be out of pocket for the next couple of weeks, so loyal readers may have to wait until Week 10 to partake from the weekly fountain of wisdom from Paradise in Hell.

  1. Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles are number one until someone beats them and then maybe even after that.
  2. Buffalo Bills – The Bills are probably the best team going. But see the Eagles.
  3. Kansas City Chiefs – Coming off the bye week they face this generation’s best running back in Derrick Henry – who single-handedly (or footedly) carried the Titans to victory last week.
  4. Minnesota Vikings – Continuing to romp through the weakened NFC North. After the Commanders this week, however, things are going to get tougher.
  5. Tennessee Titans – Something very strange would have to happen for the Titans to lose the AFC South.
  6. Dallas Cowboys – Can they beat the Eagles? Or any good team for that matter?
  7. Miami Dolphins – Tua is healthy and impressive. A tough out for any team.
  8. Baltimore Ravens – After some stumbles, the Ravens seem pointed in the right direction after dismantling the Buccaneers.
  9. Seattle Seahawks – If you had the Seahawks to be on top of the NFC West at this point in the season, please send Red your stock picks.
  10. New York Giants – Red chalks up the loss to the Seahawks to the triple-reverse time zone hex, but this team needs to snap back quickly. A bye week and then the Texans and Lions should be a cure for whatever ails you.
  11. New York Jets – Still hanging around but could go 3-6 to close the season.
  12. New England Patriots – Just when you were ready to call Bellicheat down for the count . .
  13. Atlanta Falcons – With a relatively weak remaining schedule a 6-3 finish is not out of the question and neither are the playoffs.
  14. Los Angeles Chargers – Unleash Justin Herbert!!!!
  15. San Francisco 49ers – If they play like they did against the Rams they could win the NFC West. But they may have to beat the Seahawks twice. Good luck with that.
  16. Washington Commanders – This may be is as good as it gets but it’s way better than anyone predicted so far.
  17. Cleveland Browns – Nick Chubb saved the season last night. Maybe D. Watson can get them into the playoffs.
  18. Cincinnati Bengals – The hardest team to figure in the league right now.
  19. New Orleans Saints – Beating up a bad Raiders team is a step in the right direction.
  20. Los Angeles Rams – We’ve got trouble, right here in the City of Angels and that starts with T and that rhymes with C and that stands for Superb Owl Curse.
  21. Indianapolis Colts – Apparently, Matty Ice was not the problem.
  22. Green Bay Packers – Failing in all aspects of the game right now.
  23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Brady looks tired and old but don’t count him out just yet.
  24. Denver Broncos – Topping the “Who Gives a Shit” List this week.
  25. Chicago Bears – Staying in games for a half isn’t good enough.
  26. Arizona Cardinals – Last chance to save the season against the Seahawks this week.
  27. Jacksonville Jaguars – Trevor Lawrence, let me introduce you to Mr. David Carr.
  28. Pittsburgh Stealers – Ugh!
  29. Carolina Panthers – Double Ugh!
  30. Las Vegas Raiders – Still the biggest disappointment of the season.
  31. Houston Texans – Dameon Pierce is making a case for Offensive Rookie of the Year – a bright spot in another dismal season.
  32. Detroit Lions – The Lions have taken their rightful place in the cellar at last.