Category Archives: Red’s NFL Picks

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 4

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“However, there are several differences between a football game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also, there are usually more casualties in a football game. The object of the game is to move a ball past the other team’s goal line. This counts as six points. No points are given for lacerations, contusions, or abrasions, but then no points are deducted, either. Kicking is very important in football. In fact, some of the more enthusiastic players even kick the football occasionally.”

Alfred Hitchcock.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 6-0. For the season 14-4. Boy Howdy!

Your North by Northwest Pick of the Week: Seahawks over Lions. Matt Stafford better strap ‘em on tight for this one. Seahawks feast on immobile overrated quarterbacks who are 0-3 and desperate. Seattle has a chance to right the ship and post at least a 2-2 mark against the NFC North. Even with the Beast possibly out, the Hawks have just enough offense in the tank to win what may be a closer than expected match-up of two underperforming teams. All that said it would not particularly surprise or displease Red to see Pete’s Pack at 1-3 and looking at a long difficult road to January. Stick with the under on this one. Seattle 13 Detroit 10.

Your Suspicion Pick of the Week: Raiders over Bears. Is it wrong for Red to pick on the Bears for an easy one in the “W” column every week? Yeah, but remember that Red has been on the Raiders bandwagon since the beginning of the season. Latavius Murray is looking like an All-Pro so far and the Lil’ Carr-Amari Cooper connection is working well enough to have the Raiders in the playoff hunt already. Those are words that not a lot of your professional prognosticators are willing to throw around just yet. Red aint scared. Meanwhile, Bears could hardly look worse having been outscored more than 2-1 in their first three games while posting a mighty four touchdowns. Look for the Raiders to mop the field with the Bears on Sunday. Oakland 33 Chicago 6.

Your Psycho Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Colts. Needs no explanation. Jacksonville 17 Indianapolis 6.

You’re The Wrong Man Pick of the Week: Chargers over Browns. Reports are that 3 Browns players were complaining that John F. Football should be the starting QB. Reports also are that 50 other players vehemently disagree. JFF is definitely your man if you have a couple of wide receivers who can pluck his thrown up for grabs wounded ducks out of the air against an also-ran secondary. McCown is your man if you like consistent mediocrity and semi-competent game management. In other words, for the Clowns it doesn’t really matter who is taking snaps. Meanwhile in Chargerland, if their offense can’t exploit the Browns awful defense at home in the balmy warmth of Southern California, it’s going to be a long cold season. San Dieago 34 Cleveland 13.

Your Foreign Correspondent Pick of the Week: Jets over Dolphins. Red would like to see a game at Wembly someday, but he hopes it will be a Champions League Final with Barcelona and Tottenham Hotspur, not this week’s Shit Bowl (Red admits that he is uncertain exactly how to translate Shit Bowl into English English). Don’t let this one interrupt your Sunday morning coffee and bagel. Resist the temptation to pour that cup of hot joe over your head before you switch over at half-time to watch the Arsenal-Man U match on NBCSN. Wake Red up when this doleful dung duel is over. New Jersey 24 Miami 21.

You’re Notorious Pick of the Week: Falcons over Texans. Last week Red commented that if he kept picking the Texans he will eventually get it right. Well he did, but Red isn’t pushing his luck on backing the Texans. Falcons are looking very real and the Texans aren’t the type of team that exposes the underlying falsity of a pretender. Julio Jones is on track to be MVP – except that if he stays on that track – the award will go to Matty Ice. That’s just the way it is in the NFL. Texans’ defense continues to disappoint in all categories except perhaps giving up stupid touchdowns. That won’t do it against the high-flying Falcons.  Atlanta 32 Houston 17.

Red is not picking the Cowboys/Saints game this week because Las Vegas has pulled the line. If the pros won’t pick it, then neither will Red.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 3

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“You never lose a game if the opponent doesn’t score.”   Darrell Royal.

Thanks, Daddy D. We’ll file that in the almost a tautology column.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 3-3. For the season 8-4.

Your Never Lose Pick of the Week: Patriots over Jaguars. Every year some wretched excuse for an NFL franchise digs deep into their hip pads and pulls out a win over a team they have no business beating. Unfortunately for the Jaguars, this is not that week. There will be no – On Any Given Week – inspirational speech after this one. Red does believe that the Jags are going to better than predicted. But the most we can say this week is, “That on any given week the Patriots are likely as not to kick ass and take names.” New England 42 Jacksonville 27.

Your Don’t Score Pick of the Week: Raiders over Browns. An unlikely candidate for Red’s NFL Game of the Week – but here it is. JFF against Lil’ Carr. JFF can be successful if he has receivers that can go up and pull up for grabs throws out of the air. Oh wait, this just in – 36 year-old journeyman Josh McCown to start on Sunday for Browns. Red feels better about this pick already. Raiders will not make the playoffs but they will be hanging around for a long while and surprising a lot of folks – including Browns’ fans this weekend. Oakland 33 Cleveland 30.

Your Texas Long- Something or Another Pick of the Week: Falcons over Cowboys. Some claim the Falcons are the surprise team of the league so far. Not Red. He had them coming out of the box strong and hanging on to win a weak-kneed NFC South. For Red, the Cowboys are the surprise team – surprised that they keep getting handed wins. Don’t expect the Falcons to fail to show up for 3 quarters like the Giants and Eagles. Oh, and throw in the fact that Romo and Bryant are out – while the Falcons seem remarkably healthy – and it is hard to see Das Boys keeping this one close. Expect the Falcons to dominate possession – which might be the best thing that could happen to a Cowboy offense looking for a grip. One thing is for certain, barring a tie there will be one fewer undefeated team on Monday. Atlanta 29 Arlington 10.

Your Daddy “D” Stands for Dump Pick of the Week: Seahawks over Bears. Since this is the week’s only matchup of winless teams, it is by default this week’s Shit Bowl. Plus, it’s just fun to put the reigning NFC champions in the Shit Bowl. This one could get ugly or perhaps, Red should say, uglier. Don’t give into temptation and turn on a rerun of Sex in the City. No. You have to stick it out and watch every play of this turgid turd tussle. Seattle 24 Chicago 3.

Your Double D Pick of the Week: Broncos over Lions. Red really needs to stop picking against home teams, but he just can’t here. The Lions appear to be in disarray on offense with a complete inability to move the ball on the ground. Red challenges you to name a Lions running back. Hmmm, Red thought so. On the other hand, the Broncos offensive line is pathetic and ol’ PMS can’t get hit like he did last week and end up spending the rest of the season hanging of Kubiak’s shoulder on the sidelines telling him what play he should be calling. For the PMS fans out there – I know who you are – don’t miss this game. With the bruising front 7 the Lions have it could be the last of PMS you will see for a while. Did Red just talk himself out of picking the Broncos. Well, not quite. Denver 27 Detroit 20.

You’re Who I am Kidding Pick of the Week: Texans over Buccaneers. Red figures if he keeps picking the Texans he will eventually get it right. Probably not a winning strategy. But if the Texans stink, the putrid odor of the Bucs isn’t far behind. This really should be this week’s Shit Bowl, but rules are rules. Texans win when their defense gets on the board. They do it this weekend. Offense does enough to not lose this one – but just barely.  Houston 21 Jacksonville 20.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 2

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“In football everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team.” Jean-Paul Sartre

Red knows that ol’ JPS was talking about that other football, but you have to admit that his insight is fairly universal for the world of team sports. And only Red mixes French existential philosophy with a good old-fashioned slobberknocker.

Your Opposite Pick of the Week: Raiders over Ravens. Raiders looked weak and pathetic in losing to Bengals at home last week. And Ravens were not much better against Broncos. Red’s antipathy for Flacco Joe is well known. But even still, Ravens should be a clear favorite against a once proud Raiders franchise that has set marks for futility for more than a decade. Red knew the Raiders were bad, but was surprised that they have not had a winning season since losing the 2002 Superb Owl to the Buccaneers. That’s a long downhill slide. What is overlooked is that the Raiders were 3-3 in their last 6 games in 2014. And that was with the overrated Derek Carr at the helm. Ravens can’t overcome triple reverse time zone hex combined with West Coast spiritual adjustment factor. The long slow climb back to respectability for the Raiders begins this week. Oakland 24 Baltimore 21.

Your It’s Complicated Pick of the Week: Packers over Seahawks. Clearly Red’s Game of the Week in northern Wisconsin featuring the class of the NFC. This early season rematch of the NFC Championship game has all the bells and whistles. A top flight offense for the Packers, what was thought to be an excellent defense for the Seahawks, mutual dislke, a grudge match atmosphere and a national TV audience in the coveted Sunday night spot. Which makes it a tough call. The Seahawks seems addicted to making bad calls at the end of games. They do it again Sunday when PC calls for a blitz and Rodgers makes them pay with a last second TD to win a close one. Green Bay 31 Seattle 28.

Your French Philosopher Pick of the Week: Titans over Browns. The first matchup of Heisman Trophy winners this season. Will there be another – Red doesn’t have time to do everything for you. Just enjoy this one. Tennesee 24 Cleveland 13.

Your Dirty Hands Pick of the Week: Patriots over Bills. The Bills are a sexy pick right now, but keep in mind that this is a Rex Ryan coached team going up against the filthy master. In other words, don’t get too excited. Belichick went 9-4 against Jets teams coached by Ryan from 2009-2014. Brady, however, was sub-par against Ryan defenses with a 59.1 QBR against the Jets over that period. Lord knows what ol’ Hoody is cooking up for this weekend, but expect him to serve it fresh and hot to the Bills. New England 41 Orchard Park 17.

Your No Exit Pick of the Week: Eagles over Cowboys. Bradford almost passed the test of fire on Sunday night. For a couple of drives he showed what can happen when Chip Kelly’s offense is clicking. And then when it really counted he yutzed on his cleats. Meanwhile, the Cowboys escaped with their lives on Sunday night thanks to some embarrassingly awful clock management by the Giants. Don’t expect the Eagles to make those mistakes. Eagles pound out 175 rushing yards and sweep aside the Cowboys rather easily. Philadelphia 35 Arlington 17.

You’re The Flies Pick of the Week: Texans over Panthers. The Texans make what is likely to be the first of many regular appearances this season in the weekly Shit Bowl against a troubled Panthers team. Word is that Ryan Mallett will replace much-maligned Brian Hoyer as the Texans’ helm. Without an effective running game until the return of Arian Foster, the Texans have turned to a big man with a big arm and hopefully not a big propensity for throwing up a duck farm. Red admits he liked Hoyer and clearly the loss to the Chiefs was not all on him last week – but when a team only has to go 20 yards because of turnovers, well something was going to change. Panthers still have a steady leader in Newton, but the defensive front has never lived up to the hype. Fight off the urge to give yourself a swirly during the 2 minute warning if you dare to watch this malignant merd match. Houston 18 Carolina 13.