Category Archives: Red’s NFL Picks

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 15

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“Americans have a lower opinion of Congress than they do of the NFL replacement refs, head lice, traffic jams, cockroaches and even the group to which yours truly belongs – Washington political pundits.”

Juan Williams

Juan left out Hitler, anyone whose name is preceded by Ayatollah, Stalin, Pol Pot, Mussolini and Jerry Jones.

Red Rates Himself – For week 14 Red was 3-3. For the season 46-32. Looks better in the rear-view mirror.

Your Traffic Jam Pick of the Week: Jets over Cowboys. Don’t expect much of a traffic jam on the way to the Cowboys game on Saturday. Even Cowboy fans can smell the rotting corpse of this season. Do expect a traffic jam among Jets defenders lining up to sack [Insert Cowboy Quarterback here]. The Jets minus 3. Are you kidding Red? Take the Jets and beat the traffic home from work. New Jersey 32 Arlington 12.

Your Head Lice Pick of the Week: Colts over Texans. Texans have never won in Indianapolis, so why not now? Because they still suck. Red was shocked at how badly Bill-O the Clown was outcoached by the Hoodie last week. What is with lining up against Brady with only one defensive lineman on the field? What is with playing Whitney Mercilus at nose tackle? What is with running the Wildcat without a Cat? What is with picking the Colts to do what they always do – no matter who is at the helm? Colts give up 2. Red gives up on Texans after this one. Take the under at 42.5.  Indianapolis 20 Houston 17.

Your Cockroach Pick of the Week: Dolphins over Chargers. What do cockroaches like? Shit!. The southern California roaches will be in Hog Heaven this weekend as the Shit Bowl rolls into town. Why did the Texans have to face the Dolphins when the bloom was still on the Dan Campbell rose? Since his first two games, the Dolphins have been in the running for almost every SB. This is their week!. Red would not believe exactly how pathetic the Chargers have become – except for the fact that whenever Red picks them to make the playoffs they suck. If Sadomasochism is your thing watch this one with a friend who will laugh when you grab the carrot peeler to start shaving your head in disgust at watching this fetid fecal fight – or vice versa. Curiously, Red likes the over at 45.    Miami 33 San Diego 25.

You’re Washington Political Pundit Pick of the Week: OTNA’s over Bills. Red hasn’t paid much attention to the OTNA’s from just outside the Beltway this season. Red also doesn’t watch NASCAR just to see the wrecks. And then suddenly, the OTNA’s are playing almost like a real professional football team. And Kirk Cousins is looking like a professional quarterback that you might actually want playing for your team. That is, if your team has Brian Hoyer, Jonathan Football, Matt Ryan or Ryan Tannehill at the helm. Meanwhile on the shores of Lake Erie, the Bills are not exactly dead yet. Almost, but not quite. They will be Sunday evening. All bets are off on this one.  Landover, Md. 27 Orchard Park 20.

Your Replacement Ref Pick of the Week: Chiefs over Ravens. Ravens are ravaged by injuries. Chiefs are on the hottest roll this side of Carolina over the last 7 weeks. Red keeps expecting Chiefs sans Jamaal Charles to return to Earth, but they keep on winning. Red cannot think of a single reason why that should not continue this week. And exactly who are the Ravens going to suit up at QB this week? Ryan Mallett? Red would pay to see that debacle. Kansas City 45 Baltimore 3.

You’re Low Self Esteem Pick of the Week: Eagles over Cardinals.   Red, you wonder, “Are you out of your fricking mind?” Well, Lenny, Yes. As a matter of fact, Red is. At the beginning of the season, he picked both of these teams to make the post-season and the Cardinals have not disappointed. But, Freddy, the Eagles are another story. Perhaps even a series of novels about a downtrodden gumshoe working the cheating wife circuit on the wrong side of the tracks. So Timmy, Red almost has to pick the Eagles since he is also picking the OTNA’s to win. That, Sammy, is how you box yourself in – in this game. And remember, Jimmy, the double time zone, inverse climate change, indoor/outdoor shift factor clearly all tilt in favor of the OTNA’s. So, Ricky, the Eagles will win – take it to the bank – just don’t cash it until Monday. And Chucky, take all your allowance money for the past 6 months and put it on the Eagles getting 3.5. Philadelphia 33 Arizona 26.

 

 

 

 

 

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 14

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“The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.” Randy Cross

Red is a glass half full kind of guy.

Red Rates Himself – For week 13 Red was 1-5. For the season 43-29. Harrumph.

Your Idiotic Pick of the Week: Bengals over Stealers. The theme this week dictates that Red pick a lot of games that he really should stay away from – this first one being a prime example. This one features two teams that are playing some of the best football in the league right now. A couple of other teams are on hotter streaks but the Stealers are looking very dangerous as long as Ben stays in the game – and they are doing it without LeVeon Bell. Antonio Brown may be the best receiver in the league right now with over 1300 yards and Martavis Bryant appears to be another excellent receiver from Clemson – a receiver factory apparently. Give Ben those kind of options and some time . . . Meanwhile, the Bengals seem to have rebounded from their 2 game losing streak by absolutely pounding the Rams and Browns the last two weeks. Stealers are not poundable, but the Bengals overall balance should tip this one slightly in their favor. Bet this one at your own risk – as always. Cincinnati 21 Pittsburgh 20.

Your Moronic Pick of the Week: Patriots over Texans. Red was correctly concerned last week that actually picking the Texans is the kiss of death. Red is willing to take one for the team because this pick follows two rules that have worked well – well sort of. Picking the Patriots has been a steady source of wins for Red and picking against the Texans has generally failed and insured a win for the Texans. Objectively, however, a 3 game losing streak for the Pats is almost unimaginable, while a 2 game losing streak for the Texans is simply par for the back nine. Red would only bet on this one at gunpoint and even then he would have to ponder it for a moment or two.   New England 24 Houston 20.

Your Pendejo Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Colts. Just because.   Red would take the over here if there was one.  Jacksonville 35 Indianapolis 24.

You’re Dumbshit Pick of the Week: 49ers over Browns. Niners have yet to put back to back wins together and in desperation relegated Kaepernick to the bench calling on the redoubtable Blaine Gabbert – and by that Red means that you can doubt Gabbert multiple times and not really have to worry about it. Meanwhile, the Browns have 2 wins total and come in on 7 game losing streak which has them turning to the desperate measure of putting the ball into the hands of the erratic Jonathon F. Football. All of which adds up to this week’s Shit Bowl. Take Red’s advice and bury your guns in the back yard right now if you plan on watching this dreadful dung duel, lest ye be tempted to terrorize the china cabinet by taking potshots at the Wedding Waterford to relieve the pain you are experiencing. If you bet on this one, it’s time to seek out Gambler’s Anonymous. Santa Clara 13 Cleveland 10.

Your Box of Rocks Pick of the Week: Packers over Cowboys. The Cowboys have beaten each of the other teams in the PEFAPFD that is the NFC East and the Dolphins. The Packers are no great shakes but have beaten the Vikings, Chiefs and Seahawks. Red is a firm believer in that “on any given Sunday” stuff, but not this Sunday. Take the Packers giving up 7.  Green Bay 35 Arlington 13.

You’re WTF? Pick of the Week: Titans over Jets.   Red, you ask, “Why do the Jets get a lot of favorable press every year, and then wind up sucking?” Well, Billy, that is what is known as the New York press bias. At the beginning of the season, the sporting press – every last one of them who lives in New York – must find something really favorable to say about the NY football franchises who actually play their games in New Jersey. So, Bobby, the glowing reports come out and everyone is happy. That is, Sammy, until the games actually start being played. Believe Red, Willy, he is as surprised as anyone to see how well Ryan Fitzpatrick has played and how he has the Jets – Yes, the Jets – in contention for a playoff spot. But, Freddy, remember that almost every season, there is a team that tanks it in December (usually the Cowboys) and also a formerly pathetic team that turns it on for a stretch drive that invigorates the fan base with hope for next year – only to usually be disappointed. Last year it was the Vikings who started to play like an actual professional football team over the last 6 or so games of the season. So, Timmy, Red is picking the Titans to be that team this year. Why? Because he likes to play with your little minds.  Red kind of likes the under here at 43, but his money is staying in the ATM.  Tennessee 24 New Jersey 13.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 13

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“Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.”

Peyton Manning

The only pressure PM is feeling these days is the pressure on his ass from the bench on which he is riding.

Red Rates Himself – For week 11 Red was 2-4. For the season 42-24. Good thing Red took week 12 off.

Your Too Much Pressure Pick of the Week: Falcons over Buccaneers. The Falcons just can’t handle success and clearly at risk of letting another season slip away – albeit in a different fashion this year. After a hot start the Falcons are 1-5 over their last 6 games having not scored more than 21 points during that stretch. The close loss to the Bucs at home on Nov. 1 started the current string of 4 losses in a row. Either the Falcons exact revenge for that one or their playoff hopes take a huge hit on Sunday. The Bucs have been up and down and unable to string together exactly one 2 game winning streak against the dregs of the NFC East (Eagles and Cowboys). Doug Martin has resurrected his career and Jameis Winston is looking like he can develop into a real starting QB in the NFL. The winner of this one doesn’t have an inside track to a wildcard playoff spot just yet, but the loser is definitely in trouble. This game hinges on the return of fantasy football star Devonta Freeman. Red is betting that he passes the NFL’s concussion protocol this week and is back punishing linebackers. Still this one is too close to call for a betting man. Atlanta 23 Tampa Bay 20.

Your Pressure Cooker Pick of the Week: Texans over Bills. Red is concerned that actually picking the Texans is the kiss of death. But the Texans should have this game in the pocket if only they can keep Tyrod Taylor in the pocket. The Bills do have a respectable running game, but the Texans front 7 has suddenly turned the corner. Since Lamar Miller burned them for 175 yards on Oct. 25, the Texans have pretty much shut down every running back they have faced. The weather does not appear to be a factor and the Texans will grind out a close one here. Red likes the under on this one at 42.   Houston 17 Orchard Park 13.

Your Pressure Drop, Oh Pressure, I Say Pressure Gonna Drop on You Pick of the Week: Vikings over Seahawks.   Against his better judgment, Red picked the Seahawks to get in as a wildcard. And they would be in if the season ended today. Red was barely sentient during the last 12 game NFL season, but he bets it was nice having the NFL championship game played sometime before spring break. Red also picked the Vikings who are looking to knock off the Packers and start a new era of Purple Pride. Since the mysterious loss to the 49ers in week one, the Vikings have beat all comers save for the Pack. They get another shot in the last game of the season. Red was pretty convinced Teddy Ballgame was the real deal when he excelled in the last 6 games of the 2014 without scrubs and dregs in the backfield. With AP, who is a real running back, defensive minded head coach Mike Zimmer is just not letting (or more likely having to let) Teddy throw the ball much at all. You beat the Seahawks with a punishing running game that then opens up their secondary to the deep ball – and Teddy can throw deep when he needs to. Look for some big plays in this one. Right now this one is a pick’em and Red picks the Vikings.   Minnesota 35 Seattle 21.

You’re Anal Pressure Pick of the Week: OTNA’s over Cowboys. Putting the OTNA’s in this week’s Shit Bowl is a little unfair. They are a first place team – even if it is the Pathetic Excuse for a Professional Football Division that is the NFC East. But almost any time two teams from the PEFPFD meet, being slated for the Shit Bowl is fair game. Red was watching the Cowboys get drubbed by the Panthers while finishing up preparations for the Thanksgiving meal and kept thinking – Why is Tony Romo still in this game? He just came back from a long rehab and this game is out of hand. He is just going to get injured and then the Cowboys season will really be over. And guess what? Anyhow, Red feels bad that he wasn’t around last week to give loyal readers the dead cinch lock of the season by taking the Panthers plus 1. So he gives you this one as the dead cinch lock of the week. Take the resurgent OTNA’s and give up whatever points you have to give up. The Cowboys are staggering around looking for a place to fall and it will be face down in the turf at FedEx Field on Monday. I am sure the league is very happy that they scheduled the Cowboys to play in 11 nationally televised games (including this dreadful dung duel) this season. Take the Skins minus 4 or minus 25 if you have to. Landover, Md 45 Arlington 3.

Your Pressure Washer Pick of the Week: Patriots over Eagles. Speaking of staggering around looking for a place to fall can only lead to a discussion of the heaping mound of refuse that the Eagles have become. Red is in awe of a coach that can take a real professional football team and remake them into a lifeless lump of losers. Then you have the coach on the other side that loses player after player and just keeps on winning. This one will be closer than it should be. But really, who do you want to bet on? Take the Pats unless you have to give up more than 9 which you undoubtedly will. New England 24 Philadelphia 14.

You’re a Pressure Points Pick of the Week: Stealers over Colts.   Red, you ask, “Aren’t most 40 year old men sitting on their living room couch on Sunday watching young men ruin their bodies for the pleasure of others?” Yes, Timmy, that’s usually a correct statement. But Billy, every once in a while there comes a player, a George Blanda, a Vinny Testaverde, a Sonny Jurgenson, who somehow manages to cheat the hands of time and play well past the normal expiration date. And Willy, we appear to have one of those on our hands this season in the form of Matt Hasselbeck. Translated from the Old German “Hasselbeck” actually means “elderly watermelon chucker.” So Danny, perhaps it was fate that put much of the Colts season in the hands of the ageless wonder from Colorado via Boston College. Meanwhile, Chuck “the Duck” Pagano claims that MH will not replace faltering Andrew Luck at QB for the Colts. This despite the fact that MH has won 4 of the 6 games for the Colts this season while Luck has just plain sucked in several of his starts. In fairness, Louie, the Colts best win -against the Broncos – came with AL at the helm and MH has feasted on the defensive dregs of the league. So if Chuck wants to go back to Luck, more power to him. The winner of this one has the inside track to a Wildcard spot. The loser is playing for time. Games like this are dangerous. Red has consulted the Magic Golf Ball which says “Sell.” Red is staying away. Pittsburgh 20 Indianapolis 12.

 

 

 

 

 

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 11

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“When it comes to football, God is prejudiced – towards big, fast kids.”

Chuck Mills

Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 40-20. Open front door, stretch arms, breathe fresh air – think positive thoughts.

Your God’s Favorite Team Pick of the Week: Patriots over Bills. Either God shines favorably on the Patriots or Bill B. made a deal with the Devil. The latter seems more likely, but the presence of divine intervention cannot be discounted when looking at the Pats. They lose wide-outs, linemen, running backs, ball boys and they just keep on winning. Red is picking the Patriots to win until they lose and then will pick them some more. That said, Red doesn’t like the lines here. God is telling him to take his money elsewhere. New England 33 Orchard Park 10.

Your God’s Second Favorite Team Pick of the Week: Raiders over Lions. Little known fact, God is a huge Raiders fan. Puts on the black and silver every Sunday, paints his face, opens up a 40, calls in Al Davis and always has 50 yard line seat. A more obvious fact, God hates the Lions. And just like Red, God is also a big player on the over line.  But he is going under this week with the line at 48. When God speaks, Red listens.  Oakland 24 Detroit 21.

Your Goddamnit Pick of the Week: Jets over Texans. The Texans seem to respond favorably to Red’s scorn, so he heaps it on this week. Texans, yeah you! You think that beating the Bengals is going to turn around your season. You have another think coming, Mister. Yeah, you have Red Ryder’s (nee Red Rifle) number. Well take that to the deli counter at the Central Market – they won’t even slice your ham correctly. The Bengals had an off week and you took advantage. La di – frigging – da. You think being 4-5 and sitting atop the Pathetic Excuse for a Professional Football Division (PEFPFD) that is the AFC South is something to shout about. Here, shout this – we are the first team in NFL history to be behind by more than 40 points in back to back games. You think that your defensive woes are behind you. Wait ‘til, Fitzpatrick comes back to NRG Stadium to put an asswhipping on the team that let him go – for Brian Hoyer! The bearded wonder is going to throw for 5 count ‘em 5 touchdowns. The Jets are going to steal your lunch, kick your ass and take names. Guys you never heard of are going to score touchdowns. Bill-O the Clown will be fired at half time. Red is going to bet the farm against you and have two farms come Monday morning. New Jersey 45 Houston 31.

You’re Oh my God! Pick of the Week: OTNA’s over Panthers. This exercise just isn’t all that much fun and much too time consuming unless Red can go crazy every once in a while. OTNA’s are coming off big win over the Saints. While Red is still convinced they suck, the time is ripe to eliminate one more team from the ranks of the unbeaten and it isn’t going to be the Patriots. Interesting fact of the week – never before in NFL history had 3 teams had 8-0 records. Another one falls away this week. Take the OTNA’s and the points – any points will do. Landover, Md 28 Carolina 17.

Your Godforsaken Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Titans. By the rules of the game, Red just can’t seem to avoid putting the Jaguars in the Shit Bowl week after week. These teams have but 5 wins between them. So the battle for the AFC South Basement (which is a sub-sub-basement indeed) will require Red, for the 4th time this season (at least), to pick the Jags to win this week’s Shit Bowl over the Titans. Despite Red’s warning, the Shit Bowl is not necessarily a bad game – just usually so. This one is on the knife edge of watchability so the usual measures (e.g., locking up weapons, hiding poison, avoiding high places) will not be needed. Red thinks it is very likely that Mariota will have an excellent game and that the Jags will score oodles of points against the shaky Titan defense. Red rarely bets the Shit Bowl but is making a big play on the over here at 43.   Jacksonville 32 Tennesee 25.

You’re a Mighty Fortress is Our God Pick of the Week: Dolphins over Cowboys. Red, you ask, “Don’t you have to pick another game to make up the weekly six-pack.” Well, Tommy, that’s technically correct, Red always picks at least six games and the occasional bonus game. But, Sammy, Red is tired this week and almost just dozed off writing this sentence. So where can Red turn when the other games are inducing a soporific state? Ah, Lonnie, Red can always turn to his unmitigated hate for the Cowboys to finish off this week’s picks. So, Jimmy, Red is going to pick the lowly Dolphins led by Lamar Miller who has almost single-handedly destroyed Red’s fantasy football teams this year. Let LM destroy the Cowboys for a change. And maybe next week Red will have to revise the Red Rule – but for now it stands at – Score 13 points and beat the Cowboys. Miami 13 Arlington 9.

Photo of Chuck Mills (left) coaching at Pomona College.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 10

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“I remember a discussion that several of us had with Tom Landry one afternoon. The subject was field position, a term you hear more frequently from college coaches than professional coaches. The concept of the game of football is attack and retreat, the same as war. The ultimate object is to capture the opponent=s goal, but a secondary consideration is keeping the ball as far as possible from your own goal line. Professional teams with their superior striking power are less cautious about field position, but no less concerned, as Landry was explaining. After taking some time to ferment his question, Harold Ratliff cornered Landry and asked, “Tell us, Tom, what you consider the best field position?” I looked at Landry. He didn’t need anyone to remind him to answer with care. He said, “Harold, I am personally attracted to my opponent’s one inch line.”

From Confessions of a Washed Up Sportswriter by Gary Cartwright.

And that my friends, was as close as Tom Landry ever came to telling a joke.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 2-4. For the season 36-18. Affect hangdog look.

Your Tom Landry Pick of the Week: Buccaneers over Cowboys. Red thinks this may be the most even match up of the entire season – at least on a statistical basis. Both teams are have similarly mediocre offenses ranking smack in the middle of the pack with equally inept passing games bolstered by reasonably strong running attacks. The main difference is the Buccaneers slightly less mediocre defense. But this game comes down to Red’s long hoped for desire to see an 8 game Cowboy losing streak. If they can just blow this one, then only one more game stands between Red and happiness. So once again, Red invokes the Red Rule (score 13 points and beat the Cowboys). It is hard to see how the Cowboys are not completely dead if they lose this one, but stranger things . . .   Red likes the under at 43.5.  Tampa Bay 20 Arlington 10.

Your One Inch Pick of the Week: Cardinals over Seahawks. The Cardinals are the most balanced team in the league so far. They have a top 3 offense and a top 3 defense. Only a slightly underperforming rushing game keeps them in check. About right now, Red is wondering why he did not pick the Cards to make the Superb Owl – especially in light of the troubles brewing in Northern Wisconsin. Meanwhile, this is as close to a must-win game as there is for the defending NFC Champion Seahawks. A loss and they are 3 full games behind the Cards with 7 to play. Not an impossible hill to climb, but definitely a demanding task for an underperforming offense that has scored almost 100 points less than the explosive Cardinal attack. Despite the seeming disparity, Red thinks this is Your NFL Game of the Week. Too close to call on the money line, but solid on the over at 44.5. Arizona 29 Seattle 28.

Your Field Position Pick of the Week: Bengals over Texans. Forgive Red for stating the obvious, but the undefeated Bengals are undefeated at home with a 4-0 record. The 3-5 Texans have an expected 1-3 road record having only beaten the Jags on the road. Yet, the Texans are still in the hunt in the pathetic excuse for a professional football division (PEFPFD) that is the AFC South. The hunt is likely to come up empty as the Texans are looking at 3-5 in the second half of the season at best. Red just can’t see the Texans beating the Bengals, or the Patriots, or the Jets, or the Saints, or Bills, or the Colts for that matter. It was nice while it didn’t last.  Red is done with betting on Texans’ games. Cincinnati 35 Houston 17.

You’re Asinine Question Pick of the Week: Patriots over Giants. The question here is, “Red, how can the Giants possibly be 5-4 and leading their division when they have the worst defense in the entire NFL and a sub-par offense?” Well, Timmy, it’s called the “luck of the draw.” You see, Billy, the Giants play in the festering swamp that goes by the name of the NFC East Division. It is filled with teams led by megalomaniac owners, college coaches in over their heads, and quarterbacks that are, in the words of the eloquent fraternity of professional sportswriters, “really, really bad.” So Jimmy, even though the Giants are only 2-2 against the dregs of the NFL (see festering swamp supra) and have an offense that at times seems incapable of advancing the ball more than about ¾ of a yard at a time, they have managed to somehow score 247 points which ranks only behind the “real NFL teams” called the Patriots and the Cardinals. Thus Willy, Red believes that smoke and mirrors must be somehow involved in the Giants having actually won 5 games. That can work, Lenny, until you meet up with a team that smashes mirrors with a sledgehammer and puts sugar in the gas tank of your smoke machine. Red will take the Pats giving up 7 on the road and take it all day, every day, at least 3 times a day. New England 57 New Jersey 16.

Your Washed Up Sportswriter Pick of the Week: Packers over Lions. Somewhere on Red’s list was becoming a “Washed Up Sportswriter.” Unfortunately, this weekly ranting about NFL games is about as close as Red is ever going to make it. Red is somewhat mystified by the Packers 6-2 record – he would be more mystified if the Pack had not gotten slaughtered by what we call “Really Good Teams” in the Panthers and the Broncos the last two weeks. Other than beating a fast-fading Seahawks team in Week 2, the Packers really do not have a quality win yet this season and have yet to really dominate a game. So when they faced quality opposition coming off the “bye” week, it was not a real surprise that they stumbled. As it stands, the Pack has not won a game in almost a month, and that is just not something that fits well in to the order of Red’s universe. Take the Pack and given up whatever points you have to give up (probably at least 11), the Packers will be taking out a month’s worth of frustration on the hapless Lions. Green Bay 35 Detroit 16.

Your Dumbshit Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Ravens. Red keeps picking the Jags. The Jags keep losing. Red rewards the Jags by putting them in the Shit Bowl for the third time this season. Sixteen games these teams have played and 4 times they have emerged victorious. It really don’t get no shittier than that. Put the lock on the Glock and hide the key in a place you will forget before you dare to tune in to watch this beastly bowel battle, lest ye be tempted to empty a clip into your brand new 86 incher. Oh, you wanted Red to give you a recommendation so that you could bet on this one? Call Gamblers Anonymous right now. Jacksonville 17 Baltimore 13.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 9

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“”My assistant Jack Daniels and I actually destroy a cell phone every four months or so. Usually just the screen but I get it.”

Chris Long discussing Tom Brady destroying his cell phone after the Deflategate “Scandal” broke.

Red’s personal assistant simply goes by the name Oban. But some of his favorite Bourbon brands are listed below.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 34-14. Lick finger, touch ass, make sizzle sound.

Your Fighting Cock Pick of the Week: Eagles over Cowboys. Longtime readers (yeah both of them) will remember the Red Rule from past seasons. The RR is “score 13 points and beat the Cowboys.” Well, the RR is coming back into vogue. For the last 3 weeks the Cowboys have averaged exactly 12.666666666666 . . . points. Red likes irrational numbers in case you hadn’t guessed. Combine that offensive ineptitude with a 5 game losing streak and it adds up to a road win for the also struggling Eagles. The loser of this one is not dead – but will need life support even in the awful NFC East. Somehow the Cowboys are favored here. Take the Eagles and whatever points you can get.  Philadelphia 17 Arlington 11.

Your Rebel Yell Pick of the Week: Panthers over Packers. Your NFL Game of the Week features the formidable Packers going up against an undefeated team for the second week in a row and coming out on the short end. Red guesses that it has been many a long years since a team has had to face undefeated opponents on the road in weeks 8 and 9 of the season. Red looks for a wild shootout here and the over at 45.5 is Red’s NFL Bet of the Week. Carolina 39 Green Bay 35.

Your Wild Turkey Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Jets. Red has to walk out on the limb every once in a while or else this exercise just would not be very entertaining now would it? But there is a surprising amount of buzz over a matchup that no one would probably have seen as important at the beginning of the season. The Jets are sitting in the 6th playoff spot right now and the Jags are not out of contention in the pathetic excuse for a professional football division (PEFPFD) that is the AFC South. If the Jags win and Colts lose as Red predicts, the Jags will be tied with the Texans for the lead in the AFC South at 3-5. And yes, you read that correctly. So this is a big game for both teams at midseason. Most signs favor the Jets. They have given up only 4 sacks all season and the Jags have no pass rush to speak of. If Fitzpatrick has time to throw, he is among the best in the league and finding open targets. And the Jags seem incapable of holding onto a 4th quarter lead. Unfortunately, none of that phases Red after a couple of shots of Wild Turkey liquor this morning. But don’t bet on this crapshoot.  Jacksonville 20 New Jersey 17.

You’re Early Times Pick of the Week: Stealers over Raiders. Red goes with triple-reverse time zone, magnetic field shift hex on this one to call it for the Stealers at home against a still viable Raiders that are on the playoff bubble right now. The Raiders have been surprisingly competitive against the Stealers winning the last two, but look for the Stealers to be hopping mad after blowing the Bengals game last week. Lil’ Carr best watch out. Big Ben wins this one on pure grit. Pittsburgh 19 Oakland 17.

Your Old Crow Pick of the Week: Broncos over Colts. It doesn’t seem to matter to the Broncos that they have PMS (that’s “Peyton Manning Starting” for you newcomers) despite his fairly awful performance so far this season. It has been clear that PMS can’t throw the ball more than 20 yards and isn’t making particularly good decisions. In addition, feature back CJ Anderson has been pretty much a bust. So why do the Broncos keep winning? Their incredible defense and highly respectable special teams. Why do the Colts keep losing? Luck has sucked, they have no running game and the defense is pitiful – really, Red actually pities their defense. PMS will likely carry the Broncos into a first round bye and then the whole thing will implode in a wave of acrimony and recriminations. But until then it is going to be quite a ride Broncos fans – so enjoy it while you can. Red takes the Broncos anywhere up to -5 and the over at 44.5.   Denver 35 Indianapolis 16.

Your Old Blowhard Pick of the Week: Chargers over Bears. This week features a rare Monday Night Shit Bowl. But a deserving pick as these two teams have 4 wins between them. Red is puzzled about the stench emanating from Southern California as there is no reasons for the Chargers to be this bad. Their high powered passing attack should be winning more games, but for the train wreck of a defense and mediocre running game. Meanwhile over in Ursaland, the rumblings are growing. You have an aging journeyman quarterback, an aging formerly excellent back, an apparent failure top to bottom organizationally and trust Red, heads are going to roll pretty soon. Even Vic Fangio who has done a decent job with the defense may see his noggin careening toward the parking lot before this season is over. Check out the NBA schedule before tuning into this shameful shit struggle – that is, unless your pain threshold is remarkably high. San Diego 35 Chicago 13.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 8

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“I’m 6-foot-7, a big black guy running down the middle of the field. … I wear white gloves so [quarterback Jay Cutler] can see the white gloves when I wave them like Mickey Mouse.” — Martellus Bennett

Red is a Daffy Duck man himself. Despicable.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 3-3. For the season 30-12. Red will never pick against the Patriots again – at least until he does.

Your Mickey Mouse Pick of the Week: Seahawks over Cowboys. “Hey Red, didn’t the Cowboys used to be somebody,” you ask. Well yes Jimmy, the Cowboys were once one of the NFL’s storied franchises. After a few struggling seasons beginning with the inaugural year in 1960 (sneak up behind an old Cowboys fan and shout “Eddie LeBaron” and watch him flinch), the Cowboys put up a record of almost unmatched excellence for about 30 years. Then Jerry Jones decided that he was the smartest man in football, ran off the best coach he would ever have, started to hire any felon that could hit somebody hard or go deep, and well, you know the rest of the story. More recently, the upstarts from the godforsaken wilds of the Northwest decided that, “Hey, we might be able to play football too” and started a fairly decent run with a 7-9 team that made the playoffs and actually won a game and then went on to win and lose a Superb Owl! But Timmy, things are not looking so good on the west coast either these days. Pete the Cheat hasn’t been able to brew up a good batch of his old-fashioned whip-ass tonic this season and the Seahawks are looking tired and old well before the expiration date. If the Seahawks don’t have enough left in the tank to finish off the hobbling Cowboys with Matt Cassel at the helm, then they may not even make the playoffs. Meanwhile Danny, the Cowboys are playing for time, hoping to not be in too big a hole when Romo and Dez return. And as bad as the NFC East is, the Cowboys will not be out of it with a 3-7 record. So Billy, while Red is typically an over guy, he kind of likes the under here at 41.  Seattle 17 Arlington 13.

Your Goofy Pick of the Week: Broncos/Packers Tie. It happens on average every 3 seasons. And by the way, this is your NFL game of the week. Which tells you it aint a very good week.  Broncos 35 Green Bay 35.

Your Donald Duck Pick of the Week: Patriots over Dolphins. Red could make a case for the Dolphins beating the Patriots, just like he tried to make a case for the Jets beating the Patriots last week. See how that worked out. So why bother? Take the Patriots giving up 8 at home on Thursday Night Football and flip a coin on the over/under at 51.5. It came up heads? Then the over it is. You’ll sweat this one out, but be glad you did. New England 35 Miami 25.

You’re Pluto Pick of the Week: Bengals over Stealers. Bengals are getting serious talk as possible Superb Owl contender. Beating the Stealers on the road will do nothing but ramp up that hype. Unfortunately, they do not play the Patriots so we lose our best chance at seeing a late-season matchup of undefeateds. If Bengals get over the Stealers hump, then it looks like they have the easiest road to a sure playoff spot with only the Cardinals, Broncos and the Stealers again at home as possible road bumps on the way to a division championship. Yes, Ben is back, but the Red Rifle and Gio take this one over for an easy win. Bengals cover any spread that you get.   Cincinnati 42 Pittsburgh 19.

Your Uncle Scrooge Pick of the Week: Titans over Texans. Actually, Bob McNair makes Uncle Scrooge look like a fricking genius. Bob has always followed the Clint Murchison/Cowboys model. The owner just hires folks and lets them do their job. Clint hired Tex Schramm and Tom Landry – both in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Bob has hired Bill-O the Clown and Rick Smith – both of whom may get to visit Canton if they don’t check ID’s at the door. Red is actually on the verge of giving up his official Texans’ fan status if things don’t improve soon. Things will not improve soon enough he fears. This one is a pick ‘em and Red will respectfully decline to do so. Red hopes he gets to see Mariota play in person for the first time since he destroyed the Longhorns in the Alamo Bowl in 2013.  Almost to close to call between these pathetic excuses for an NFL franchise, but here goes anyway. Texans find a new and imaginative way to lose.  Tennessee 21 Texans 20.

Your Pete is a Turd Pick of the Week: Ravens over Chargers. Red will go with the triple time zone with a Mediterranean to Mid-Atlantic climatological shift hex to pick the hapless Ravens to even things up with the almost as hapless Chargers. Red actually picked both of these teams to make the playoffs. Sorry about that. The coast to coast stench emanating from this awful anal Armageddon will spoil more than a few Sunday meals. Bet on this one only if you have a serious gambling addiction and need a cheap high. Baltimore 33 San Diego 24.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 7

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“I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.”

Mark Viduka

Just guessing that Mark didn’t score so well on the math portion of the SAT.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 27-9. Polite applause, thank you.

Red is going to have to be quick this week.

Your Losing Every Game Pick of the Week: Vikings over Lions. Sadly, we will not have an 0-16 team this season. Red believes that kind of purge is good for the collective soul of the league, kind of an exemplar of failure, a milepost of ineptitude, a glimpse into the bottomless abyss of failure. But the Lions were the last hope, so the best we can hope for now is 1-15, with maybe a 2-14 the most likely outcome. Vikings meanwhile are rounding towards mediocrity. Minnesota minus 2 is a good bet, if you having a serious gambling addiction and have to bet on a game that no one cares about. Minnesota 24 Detroit 17.

Your Big Loser Pick of the Week: Giants over Cowboys. Winner is at least in the passenger seat in the NFC East. Loser is getting drug behind the car over 2 miles of rough pavement. The Cowboys are rumored to actually have a professional quarterback ready to play. The Giants have a guy that has won 2 Superb Owls. You pick it. New Jersey 27 Arlington 19.

Your Winners Pick of the Week: Jets over Patriots. Yep, you are thinking – Red what the hell are you smoking now? Red’s high on the pure vapor coming off the Fitzpatrick express. Red thinks Fitz is having that career year and what better way to show it than to knock off the Champs in New England back home in front of some old Crimson men. Hey, you wanna toke? Red can’t feel his nose. At 48, take the over for a ride. New Jersey 42 New England 33.

You’re Math Major Pick of the Week: Falcons over Titans. Bet the over and the under, bet on the Falcons and the Titans, bet on the coin toss, bet on the number of holding penalties, bet on the number of missed field goals, bet on the punters, bet on anything that anyone will take a bet on, but just bet. Bet on Red not giving a rat’s ass about who wins this one.  Atlanta 17 Tennessee 3.

Your Why Bother Pick of the Week: Texans over Dolphins. Not often does the Shit Bowl feature two teams coming off wins, but Red has to shake things up every now and then. Hard rain predicted for Casa Red on Sunday and he might just go sit on the porch and get soaked rather than watch this turgid turd tussle. Houston 29 Miami 24 Pittsburgh 21.

Your Red is Out of Ideas Pick of the Week: Eagles over Panthers. Panthers do not deserve to be undefeated. ‘Nuff said. Take the Eagles and 3. Oh yeah, and this is your NFL Game of the Week. Philadelphia 38 Carolina 35.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 6

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Red’s NFL Picks – Week 5

“Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen, soccer is a gentlemen’s game played by beasts and US football is a beastly game played by beasts.”

Henry Blaha

Then what the hell is Australian Rules Football?

Red Rates Himself – Last week 5-1. For the season 23-7. Breathe on knuckles, rub on chest.

Your Beast of the East Pick of the Week: Patriots over Colts. Betting against the Patriots right now is like hitting on 19 when the dealer is showing a 10. You are going to lose. A team that makes LaGarrette Blount (aka the Fat Pig) look like a Pro-Bowl running back has so many tricks under the hoodie that you can’t even begin to imagine what they might pull out next. Meanwhile, the Colts may just have to be considering whether Matt Hasselbeck might be the answer to making this season relevant in the downbeat AFC South. So far the 40-year old husband of Fox & Friends star Elizabeth Hasselbeck (and if you haven’t watched Fox & Friends you are missing out on some great comedy as it features 2 of the stupidest people to ever appear on TV – but Red digresses) has been a better player than A. Luck, but Red doubts that Tony the Pagan would have the nerve to make that call. Well, this week it doesn’t matter. The Patriots are rolling along and the Colts are just another bump in the road. Red would take the Pats if they were giving away 20 – at minus 7.5 it seems like a no-brainer and that is when you have to watch out. The over is a hefty 55 which may be the largest number all season and to be avoided on principle. New England 44 Indianapolis 13.

Your Bigfoot Pick of the Week: Panthers over Seahawks. Loyal readers know that Red rarely ignores the triple reverse time zone, inverse latitudinal hex factor at work against the Panthers this week. But, rules are made to be broken. Red picked the Seahawks to make the playoffs but they are playing scared right now. There is no way the Panthers (even at 5-0) should win this one, but they appear to be in the running for Red’s 2015 “Team of Destiny”. If that don’t jinx ‘em nothing will. Red won’t touch this one, but hypothetically he would take Panthers plus 7 and seriously consider the under at 41. Carolina 19 Seattle 17.

Your King Kong Pick of the Week: Bengals over Bills. Another decent candidate for NFL Game of the Week and tops on Red’s personal viewing list this week. Red Rifle has another chance to show his chops against yet another vaunted defense. If the Bengals win this one and RR looks even halfway decent, he will started getting some run in the elite QB conversation. The way Red looks at it – if Tony Romo is elite then how is the Red Rifle not? Bills defense is still troublesome, but the offense is merely troubled. Who starts this week with Taylor possibly out? Red doesn’t like the Bengals giving up 3.5. Paradoxically, Red doesn’t’ like the Bills getting 3.5. You figure it out. Cincinnati 27 Buffalo 24.

You’re Gargantuan Pick of the Week: Titans over Dolphins. Among the many candidates for this week’s Shit Bowl, but still unworthy. Mariota all but disappeared in last week’s loss to Buffalo but still had 100 yards more passing than Taylor (187 to 76). The Titans are coming off of two losses by a total of three points – so the 1-3 record is a bit deceiving. There is nothing deceiving about the abysmal Dolphins who are bad on both sides of the ball and have no running game. Titans must win this one to keep pace with the rest of the god-awful AFC South – a task which resembles keeping up with a two-legged dog. Red will take the over at 43.  Tennessee 29 Miami 21.

Your Chupacabra Pick of the Week: Cardinals over Stealers. This is your surprising NFL Game of the Week. Other than the blowout win against the Niners, the Stealers have been down to the wire in every game this season with each game decided by a score or less. On the other hand, except for the close loss to the Rams, the Cards have been spanking every team they have faced winning by an average of 25 points.   The Stealers won’t let that happen, but will struggle to keep up with the high-flying Cardinals offense.   With tired old Michael Vick under center, the Stealers must rely on Le’Veon Bell to carry the ball 35 times and eat some clock. He is certainly capable of doing that – even against the Cards outstanding defense. But it won’t be enough. The Cards have just enough to overcome a pesky Stealers team playing for a wildcard berth. Red likes Cardinals giving up 3 on the road, but won’t touch the over/under at 44.5. Arizona 26 Pittsburgh 21.

Your Gog and Magog Pick of the Week: Texans over Jaguars. This week’s Shit Bowl could have gone to so many games with deserving entrants – Titan/Dolphins, Ravens/Niners, Bears/Lions, to name a few. But the Texans and the Jaguars get the dishonor this week. The Texans keep finding ways to lose no matter who is guiding the ship. Past and future starter Brian Hoyer relieved the hapless Ryan Mallett last week, and even rallied the troops before throwing an awful last minute pick to sink the Texans ship against the struggling Colts. And what can you say about the Jags – who started their franchise like a house on fire making the playoffs in 4 of their first 5 seasons, played for two AFC Championships, but who have not posted a winning record since 2007. If the Texans can’t get a win here, pack it in and play for the No. 1 pick – again. Red would be a fool to recommend any bets here. Lock up the guns and ammo lest ye be tempted to blow a hole in the brand new 65 incher at the two minute warning of this pathetic poop party. Houston 19 Jacksonville 14.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 5

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“Football is not a contact sport; it’s a collision sport. Dancing is a good example of a contact sport.”

Duffy Daugherty

Apparently, Duffy never went into the mosh pit.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 18-6.

Your Fox(boro)trot Pick of the Week: Patriots over Cowboys. Okay, this game is actually in Arlington, but it might as well be in the friendly confines of Foxboro as far as the Patriots are concerned. The Patriots seem to be untouchable right now and Red expects that to last for another 4 or 5 games before they start to come back to earth. The Cowboys on the other hand have so many problems that Red doesn’t know where to start or how to stop grinning. If Red’s Texans are going to stink, the smell is slightly assuaged by an even bigger odor wafting down from the Metroplex. Don’t over analyze this one. The Pats are just better than everyone else right now and will lose only if they beat themselves. The Pats have been scoring at will, but at 49.5, Red likes the under this week. New England 31 Arlington 13.

Your Texas Two-Step Pick of the Week: Colts over Texans. This is painful for Red, but he has to call them as he sees them. As weak and pathetic as the Colts look(1-3), as sorry as A. Luck has been (31st in Total QB Rating ahead of only Alex Smith), as tired and old as Andre Johnson looks (0 receptions in last 2 games), as porous their bottom-tier defense looks (27th ranked), as non-existent as their rushing attack seems (more fumbles than touchdowns), and as ready for the picking as they will ever be, Red still can’t go there in the face of a Texans team that just plain sucks right now. Maybe Arian Foster will come around, maybe quarterback play will be acceptably mediocre, maybe the once-vaunted defense will show some spine, maybe the loss of the number 2 and 3 receivers won’t kill the passing attack, but that is a lot of maybes for a team that is lost in the woods.  This is a Pick ‘Em right now. Red picks the Colts. Indianapolis 13 Houston 9.

Your Do the Hustle Pick of the Week: Giants over 49ers. This week’s triple-forward time zone hex game is an easy pick even without the latent longitudinal bias working in favor of the Giants. The Niners are last in the league in passing offense. The NFL is a passing league. ‘Nuff said. Still Red wouldn’t touch Giants minus 7 with a 100 yard pole. New Jersey 27 Santa Clara 10.

You’re It Takes Two to Tango Pick of the Week: Bengals over Seahawks. Bengals want to play with the big boys – well, they get their chance this week. Red Rifle desperately needs a big game in a big game against a big time opponent. Check, check, check. Red calls the Bengals eking one out in the NFL Game of the Week. When the Bengals win this one, watch out – Red will call the Bengals to go 13-3 and may have to file an amended pre-season Superb Owl prediction. Cincinnati 29 Seattle 27.

Your Pennsylvania Polka Pick of the Week: Eagles over Saints. Saints proved they could beat a crippled Cowboys team last week. This week they face an Eagles squad that may finally be getting some legs underneath it.   A Chip Kelly team is not going to remain in the bottom quartile of NFL offenses for the entire season. This could be the break out game. However, if the Eagles cannot beat the Saints at home, then watch out, the whiskey bottles will be flying in Philly. It’s a hefty 49.5, but take the over, over, over. Philadelphia 45 New Orleans 27.

Your Can-Can Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Buccaneers. This week’s Shit Bowl feature two regular denizens of these Foul Floridian Fecal Fights. Who will stink worse this week, Blake Bortles or Jameis Winston? Red can only feign interest for so long.   Child proof the house lest ye be tempted to add some Drano to your Margarita to end the misery if you dare watch more than 5 minutes of this one. Jacksonville 17 Tampa Bay 13.