Tag Archives: NFL Predictions

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 11

2 Replies

“When it comes to football, God is prejudiced – towards big, fast kids.”

Chuck Mills

Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 40-20. Open front door, stretch arms, breathe fresh air – think positive thoughts.

Your God’s Favorite Team Pick of the Week: Patriots over Bills. Either God shines favorably on the Patriots or Bill B. made a deal with the Devil. The latter seems more likely, but the presence of divine intervention cannot be discounted when looking at the Pats. They lose wide-outs, linemen, running backs, ball boys and they just keep on winning. Red is picking the Patriots to win until they lose and then will pick them some more. That said, Red doesn’t like the lines here. God is telling him to take his money elsewhere. New England 33 Orchard Park 10.

Your God’s Second Favorite Team Pick of the Week: Raiders over Lions. Little known fact, God is a huge Raiders fan. Puts on the black and silver every Sunday, paints his face, opens up a 40, calls in Al Davis and always has 50 yard line seat. A more obvious fact, God hates the Lions. And just like Red, God is also a big player on the over line.  But he is going under this week with the line at 48. When God speaks, Red listens.  Oakland 24 Detroit 21.

Your Goddamnit Pick of the Week: Jets over Texans. The Texans seem to respond favorably to Red’s scorn, so he heaps it on this week. Texans, yeah you! You think that beating the Bengals is going to turn around your season. You have another think coming, Mister. Yeah, you have Red Ryder’s (nee Red Rifle) number. Well take that to the deli counter at the Central Market – they won’t even slice your ham correctly. The Bengals had an off week and you took advantage. La di – frigging – da. You think being 4-5 and sitting atop the Pathetic Excuse for a Professional Football Division (PEFPFD) that is the AFC South is something to shout about. Here, shout this – we are the first team in NFL history to be behind by more than 40 points in back to back games. You think that your defensive woes are behind you. Wait ‘til, Fitzpatrick comes back to NRG Stadium to put an asswhipping on the team that let him go – for Brian Hoyer! The bearded wonder is going to throw for 5 count ‘em 5 touchdowns. The Jets are going to steal your lunch, kick your ass and take names. Guys you never heard of are going to score touchdowns. Bill-O the Clown will be fired at half time. Red is going to bet the farm against you and have two farms come Monday morning. New Jersey 45 Houston 31.

You’re Oh my God! Pick of the Week: OTNA’s over Panthers. This exercise just isn’t all that much fun and much too time consuming unless Red can go crazy every once in a while. OTNA’s are coming off big win over the Saints. While Red is still convinced they suck, the time is ripe to eliminate one more team from the ranks of the unbeaten and it isn’t going to be the Patriots. Interesting fact of the week – never before in NFL history had 3 teams had 8-0 records. Another one falls away this week. Take the OTNA’s and the points – any points will do. Landover, Md 28 Carolina 17.

Your Godforsaken Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Titans. By the rules of the game, Red just can’t seem to avoid putting the Jaguars in the Shit Bowl week after week. These teams have but 5 wins between them. So the battle for the AFC South Basement (which is a sub-sub-basement indeed) will require Red, for the 4th time this season (at least), to pick the Jags to win this week’s Shit Bowl over the Titans. Despite Red’s warning, the Shit Bowl is not necessarily a bad game – just usually so. This one is on the knife edge of watchability so the usual measures (e.g., locking up weapons, hiding poison, avoiding high places) will not be needed. Red thinks it is very likely that Mariota will have an excellent game and that the Jags will score oodles of points against the shaky Titan defense. Red rarely bets the Shit Bowl but is making a big play on the over here at 43.   Jacksonville 32 Tennesee 25.

You’re a Mighty Fortress is Our God Pick of the Week: Dolphins over Cowboys. Red, you ask, “Don’t you have to pick another game to make up the weekly six-pack.” Well, Tommy, that’s technically correct, Red always picks at least six games and the occasional bonus game. But, Sammy, Red is tired this week and almost just dozed off writing this sentence. So where can Red turn when the other games are inducing a soporific state? Ah, Lonnie, Red can always turn to his unmitigated hate for the Cowboys to finish off this week’s picks. So, Jimmy, Red is going to pick the lowly Dolphins led by Lamar Miller who has almost single-handedly destroyed Red’s fantasy football teams this year. Let LM destroy the Cowboys for a change. And maybe next week Red will have to revise the Red Rule – but for now it stands at – Score 13 points and beat the Cowboys. Miami 13 Arlington 9.

Photo of Chuck Mills (left) coaching at Pomona College.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 2

Leave a reply

“In football everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team.” Jean-Paul Sartre

Red knows that ol’ JPS was talking about that other football, but you have to admit that his insight is fairly universal for the world of team sports. And only Red mixes French existential philosophy with a good old-fashioned slobberknocker.

Your Opposite Pick of the Week: Raiders over Ravens. Raiders looked weak and pathetic in losing to Bengals at home last week. And Ravens were not much better against Broncos. Red’s antipathy for Flacco Joe is well known. But even still, Ravens should be a clear favorite against a once proud Raiders franchise that has set marks for futility for more than a decade. Red knew the Raiders were bad, but was surprised that they have not had a winning season since losing the 2002 Superb Owl to the Buccaneers. That’s a long downhill slide. What is overlooked is that the Raiders were 3-3 in their last 6 games in 2014. And that was with the overrated Derek Carr at the helm. Ravens can’t overcome triple reverse time zone hex combined with West Coast spiritual adjustment factor. The long slow climb back to respectability for the Raiders begins this week. Oakland 24 Baltimore 21.

Your It’s Complicated Pick of the Week: Packers over Seahawks. Clearly Red’s Game of the Week in northern Wisconsin featuring the class of the NFC. This early season rematch of the NFC Championship game has all the bells and whistles. A top flight offense for the Packers, what was thought to be an excellent defense for the Seahawks, mutual dislke, a grudge match atmosphere and a national TV audience in the coveted Sunday night spot. Which makes it a tough call. The Seahawks seems addicted to making bad calls at the end of games. They do it again Sunday when PC calls for a blitz and Rodgers makes them pay with a last second TD to win a close one. Green Bay 31 Seattle 28.

Your French Philosopher Pick of the Week: Titans over Browns. The first matchup of Heisman Trophy winners this season. Will there be another – Red doesn’t have time to do everything for you. Just enjoy this one. Tennesee 24 Cleveland 13.

Your Dirty Hands Pick of the Week: Patriots over Bills. The Bills are a sexy pick right now, but keep in mind that this is a Rex Ryan coached team going up against the filthy master. In other words, don’t get too excited. Belichick went 9-4 against Jets teams coached by Ryan from 2009-2014. Brady, however, was sub-par against Ryan defenses with a 59.1 QBR against the Jets over that period. Lord knows what ol’ Hoody is cooking up for this weekend, but expect him to serve it fresh and hot to the Bills. New England 41 Orchard Park 17.

Your No Exit Pick of the Week: Eagles over Cowboys. Bradford almost passed the test of fire on Sunday night. For a couple of drives he showed what can happen when Chip Kelly’s offense is clicking. And then when it really counted he yutzed on his cleats. Meanwhile, the Cowboys escaped with their lives on Sunday night thanks to some embarrassingly awful clock management by the Giants. Don’t expect the Eagles to make those mistakes. Eagles pound out 175 rushing yards and sweep aside the Cowboys rather easily. Philadelphia 35 Arlington 17.

You’re The Flies Pick of the Week: Texans over Panthers. The Texans make what is likely to be the first of many regular appearances this season in the weekly Shit Bowl against a troubled Panthers team. Word is that Ryan Mallett will replace much-maligned Brian Hoyer as the Texans’ helm. Without an effective running game until the return of Arian Foster, the Texans have turned to a big man with a big arm and hopefully not a big propensity for throwing up a duck farm. Red admits he liked Hoyer and clearly the loss to the Chiefs was not all on him last week – but when a team only has to go 20 yards because of turnovers, well something was going to change. Panthers still have a steady leader in Newton, but the defensive front has never lived up to the hype. Fight off the urge to give yourself a swirly during the 2 minute warning if you dare to watch this malignant merd match. Houston 18 Carolina 13.