Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – AFC North

Remind Red who is actually in this division?

Baltimore Ravens

It’s a mystery why the Ravens are in the AFC North and the Bills are in the AFC East, but then again several divisions make little sense in that regard. As an initial matter Red asks, if not the Ravens – who would you pick to win this division? The Bengals? LOL funny. The Browns? Cue Jim Nabors singing the Impossible Dream from Man of LaMancha. The Stealers? Here we are at least in the area of remote possibility. The Ravens are the Nabobs of the North. Led by MVP Lamar Jackson who has 3-4 capable RBs at his disposal, and excellent TE and a corps of serviceable WRs, the Ravens offense will simply overwhelm much of the competition by averaging 35 points per game. Jackson does need to run less than his 190 some carries last season. There are other guys. In fact the Ravens run offense gained more yards than all but five pass offenses in 2019. Combine that powerhouse with what may be the easiest schedule in the league for any returning division champion in facing the pathetic excuses for a professional football division that are the AFC South and NFC East, the Birds look capable of a spectacular season. Red has the marked for potential losses only against the Chiefs, Patriots, Titans and Stealers on the road. If they go 2-2 there, then a 14-2 season is not out of the question. Can you say AFC North Champs.

Pittsburgh Stealers

The Stealers are good, but they are not in the same class with the Chiefs and Ravens, and probably are not as good as the Bills and Titans. Of course, the Stealers play an even easier schedule than the Ravens in not having to play the Chiefs or Patriots and that will help – just not enough. Hey, the Stealers defense is good as always and T.J. Watt may have a shot at Defensive MVP. The offense line is still anchored by Pouncey but the offensive weapons just do not seem to be there. The Stealers will win a bunch of games by scoring 17 points but not enough games. Pittsburgh goes 8-8 and out the door.

The Browns

Always a sexy underdog, downtrodden, homeless alcoholic guy kind of pick, but Red is not getting fooled this year. It was fool me twice last season and Red is not going down for the third time with the Browns schooner. This team just should not suck as much as it does. But alas, there we are. Now that the OTNAs are history, maybe good folks in Cleveland can give up the legacy of the late great Paul Brown and get a name that does not evoke the grosser bodily functions. Bring on the Cleveland Presidents. Red will give the Browns a break and have them also at 8-8.

Cinncinatti Bengals

Long-suffering Bengals fans are hopeful that Joe Burrow can turn this thing around. Red sees that as a distinct possibility but not this year. Cinncinatti goes 2-14.

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – AFC South

Okay, from here on out this is cheating a bit because Week 1 is almost in the books, but here goes anyway.

Tennesee Titans

Tennesee’s surprising run to the AFC Championship game last season was remarkable. After back-dooring into the playoffs with a win in Houston against a Texans team that was resting a bunch of starters and having lost the previous two games, the Titans went on a tear. With Derrick Henry being all but unstoppable and Rookie A J Brown looking like a future hall-of-famer and Ryan Tannehill all of the sudden looking like a professional football quarterback, the Titans dispatched the Patriots (first win in Foxboro since 1993) and the Ravens (again on the road) before going out with a respectable (they were up by 10 at one point) effort against the Chiefs. Some expect AJB to have a sophomore slump and Henry to show signs of overuse. Not Red. Henry is an amazing athlete and Brown will be a top 10 receiver. The defense is more than solid and will finish as a top-5 run defense in 2020. The only big question mark is whether Tannehill will continue to perform at the next level. It will be a step down, but the Titans have the goods to win it all in this most pathetic excuse for a professional football division. Tennessee at 11-5.

Jacksonville Jaguars

This is really cheating. Jacksonville’s young talent was showcased yesterday. They will not be great at anything, but mere competence will make you competitive in this division.  It is hard to remember that this team was in the AFC Championship Game a mere three years ago, but is now in a complete rebuild. Maybe this is a good season for that. Questions abound. Is Gardner Minshew actually a franchise quarterback or just good enough to not lose games for you? Does Doug Marrone know what he is doing? Will DJ Chark be a top WR? Who is going to run the ball? Red doesn’t have the answers. But he thinks that enough pieces fall into place for a 7-9 campaign.

Houston Texans.

What have the Texans done right lately? Dumping DeAndre Hopkins (arguably the second best receiver in the game) for oft-injured one season wonder David Johnson. Paying absurd amounts to good players. Refusing to upgrade talent in the depleted secondary. Running outdated defensive schemes. Thinking they can win on the arm and legs of DeShaun Watson alone. Facing down a brutal opening stretch that could ruin the season. The reports on S. Main are not good. The Texans are routinely looked at as a laughing-stock of the league. Red is chuckling. Texans go 6-10 and finally show Bill O’ the Clown the door.

Indianapolis Colts

Tired old Phillip Rivers shows that he is tired and old. He will beat the Texans twice simply because T Y Hilton refuses to lose to that team. They bring up the rear at 5-11 to grab the worst division in the NFL crown.

Sportsman’s Paradise?

No Red is not referring to Louisiana. Yesterday we had Major League Baseball, NFL, NBA, NHL, MLS, WNBA, NCAA Football, Pro Tennis and Pro Golf all playing on the same day.

This probably happens multiple times (maybe with the exception of the WNBA) every year as MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL, MLS, NCAA Football, Golf and Tennis schedules overlap in the Fall. But after a long sports drought, desperate sports junkies can finally sink into the LazyBoy with their nachos and beverage of choice and forget about some of the troubles of the day.

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – NFC South

This one got a whole lot more interesting with the Tom Brady show moving to Tampa Bay. Red guesses he couldn’t resist the TB12 in TB idea.

New Orleans Saints

Much like the Patriots for the past 20 or so seasons, it just makes sense to keep on picking the Saints. They were arguably the best team in the NFC last season before collapsing against the Vikings in the playoffs. Collapse may be harsh, but the Saints had to score 10 in the 4th quarter including a last second FG to get to OT where they promptly failed to stop the Vikings march down the field for the win. Not much has changed in the Crescent City. Well, Drew Brees is a year older but has shown little signs of being tired and old yet. He has perhaps the No. 1 receiver in the game in Michael Thomas (149 catches) and a hopefully healthy Alvin Kamara in the backfield who has a legitimate shot at a 1000/1000 season in Payton’s offense. The offensive line is one of the best in the business. The defense was shored up. What’s not to like? If Brees stays healthy not much. Without him there is the exciting but unproven Tayson Hill and the human interception machine Jameis Winston. New Orleans wins division at 12-4.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Now that Native Americans can finally breathe easier, how much longer before we stop glorifying sea-faring criminals? Oh and Tampa Bay managed to make a few strategic pick-ups in the off-season including tired old Tom Brady and his go to guy Gronk. But lest ye forget, this is a franchise whose most recent playoff appearance was during the W. Bush years and has not won a playoff game since Superb Owl 37 (Red is done with Roman Numerals). Brady claims that he is going to run Bruce Arian’s offense – which would be a good idea if he could still throw the ball more than 40 yards. That system is a far cry from the dink and dunk that Brady has relied on for the last decade and requires time in the pocket – something that the Bucs’ offensive line did not provide Jameis Winston last season. It’s easier to throw the ball up for grabs than to stand there and get killed. That said throwing the ball up for grabs to Mike Evans is usually a winning proposition. You might remember Evans as the guy who won a Heisman Trophy for Johnny Football. Red only sort of believes. TB gets the benefit of a weaker NFC and 3 wild card spots but still cannot eke its way into the playoffs. Tampa Bay at 8-8.

Atlanta Falcons

This team is a mystery. They still have not recovered from the humiliation at the hands of the Patriots 4 seasons ago. This should be a better team than they are. But there were signs of life last season. After a 1–7 start, they rallied to a 7-9 finish saving the bacon of HC Dan Quinn. The defense fueled that remarkable turnaround moving towards elite status in giving up only 18.6 PPG in the second half. The question remains whether Matty Ice can use the high pedigree talent (all 11 starters on offense are former first round picks) to score points. Adding Todd Gurley may help. Red may be crazy but he sees the Falcons finally shaking off the ghosts of seasons past and making another foray into the playoffs. Atlanta in at 9-7 for the final Wild Card spot.

Carolina Panthers

They will probably suck even with best all around back in the league and a new starter at QB in Teddy B. Red could be drastically wrong about this team. Carolina at 6-10.

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – NFC West

Red has had trouble with this division in the past. For example, last season he had the Cardinals winning the division and the 49ers finishing last. Hard to be more wrong than that. So with a good shot of his morning Covfefe, Red plunges into this dangerous territory.

Arizona Cardinals

Every season one team rises from the dung heap of failure and grabs the facemask of destiny. Last year Red thought it would be the Cards under Wunderkind Coach Kliff Kingsbury. Alas, not much went right. The Cardinals started with a tie against the lowly Lions and then proceeded to go 3-9 in the next 12 games. There was a 3 game win stretch in there where it looked like the sails were finally pointing in the right direction – but again, Alas! But after Week, the Cards were only blown out one time by the Rams in a 34-7 humiliation. They closed strong with wins over the Browns and Seahawks and a close loss to the Rams to finish 5-10-1. This year KK has a slightly seasoned QB in Kyler Murray who can run and throw and now has two legitimate WRs with the addition of All-World DeAndre Hopkins and the maturing Christian Kirk. And then there is tired old Larry Fitzgerald ready to get you a first down when the chips are down. Ditching oft-injured David Johnson for D-Hop was widely viewed as the steal of the off-season. RB Kenyon Drake (acquired mid-way through the 2019 campaign) looks like a good fit for KK’s wide open offense. The Cards will win by scoring, scoring and more scoring. Don’t be surprised if they lead the NFC in total points. They won’t come close to the Chiefs or the Ravens, but playing the losers schedule helps and it will be good enough to WIN THIS DIVISION at 12-4.

Seattle Seahawks

Unfortunately for Red there is not a lot to not like about the Seahawks this year -except maybe the schedule. Seattle is somewhat of a notoriously slow-starting team. No preseason hurts – especially looking at the September schedule when the Seahawks face off against the Atlanta Falcons, New England Patriots and Dallas Cowboys. No other NFC team likely faces a tougher opening stretch. Led by the force that is Russell Wilson, the offense will ramble on. In case you weren’t paying attention, Wilson has thrown for 30-plus touchdowns in 4 of the last 5 years. Mahomes and Jackson may hit that mark someday, but Wilson has the experience and maybe a long-deserved shot at MVP in his third season with offensive mastermind Brian Schottenheimer. Yes there are questions with 3 new O-Line starters and whether WR DK Metcalf is really the real deal (after the greatest playoff game for any rookie WR ever). The defense is always tough and once again probably sports the best secondary in the NFC if not the NFL with Diggs and Adams striking fear into the hearts of opposing QBs. Red likes the Seahawks to go 12-4 as well and get in as top Wildcard.

San Francisco 49ers

Red did not believe last season. He was wrong. He believes a little more this year and probably won’t be as wrong (impossible to be more wrong actually).  But the following season record of Superb Owl losers is not great. Other than the Patriots, only one team has come back to win their division after losing the big game. Here, the biggest problem for the Niners was the NFL scheduler. They open against the chip on their shoulder Cardinals, followed by back-to-back games in New York. Triple reverse time-zone hex totally in play. They also travel to New England, New Orleans and Dallas – all games which Red could see them losing. The Niners are good. The schedule is bad. That all adds up to 9-7 and maybe a shot at a Wildcard and maybe not.

Los Angeles Rams

My how the mighty have fallen. Someone has to be the doormat in the toughest division in the NFL. This year it is the Rams. LA is 7-9.

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – NFC North

At the rate Red is going here, the NFL season will be well into its first week before he finishes his predictions. That’s cheating just a little bit – but not too much.

Red has traditionally hated picking the NFC North. This year is no exception. It seems every team in this division is worse than last year.

Green Bay Packers

Led by tired old Aaron Rodgers, the Packers will likely stumble to another division title despite adding a grand total of almost zero new receiving targets (with apologies to Devin Funchess) for the venerable QB. The Packers will not (repeat will not) get close to the near miraculous 13-3 record of last year. There were a few key pickups – LB Christian Kirksey to replace Blake Martinez and OT Ricky Wagner to replace Bryan. But it still looks like running back by committee with second-round pick A.J. Dillion added to a run-first team with Aaron Jones and Jamaal Williams. Fortunately, for the Pack the competition in the NFC North is lacking if not downright weak. Packers make it to 10-6 and win this division again.

Minnesota Vikings

In typical Viking style, Minnesota threw about half of their defensive starters overboard on the voyage to 2020. Leading WR Stefon Diggs was shuffled off to Buffalo and Dalvin Cook is holding out (still?) – Red didn’t have time to check. Not that it matters with the Kirk “Kissing” Cousins at the helm. On the bright side DE Danielle Hunter has a legitimate shot at Defensive MVP if he improves even slightly from his 2019 campaign with 14.5 sacks and 3 forced fumbles. Red is still trying to figure out how the Vikings ousted the Saints in the first round of the 2019 playoffs on the road against what was arguably the best regular season team in the NFC in the Saints. Don’t expect such heroics this season. Vikings are 9-7 and miss out on a Wildcard slot by a tie-breaker.

Chicago Bears

Bears coach Matt Nagy must wake up every day and wonder if he wouldn’t be better off selling used cars in Evanston. He has a quarterback in Mitch Trubisky that he doesn’t trust and that is clearly holding the team back. The cure for that was to go get Nick Foles who lasted about 5 minutes as the starter for the pathetic excuse for a professional football team that was the Jacksonville Jaguars last year. Okay, Foles did return but then deservedly lost his job to the rookie Gardner Minshew. In fairness to Mitch he basically had one target in Allen Robinson II. The addition of tired old Jimmy Graham and tireder older Ted Ginn, Jr. won’t likely help much -nor will the lack of a consistent banger in the backfield. The Bears still sport a defensive unit that is solid enough to keep the team close in games against mediocre competition. The Bears are lucky to start with weak sisters Lions and Giants, but expect Foles to get a shot when the going gets tougher. Bears will be competitive but not competitive enough at 8-8.

Detroit Lions

The ghost of Bobby Layne still wanders wondering when the Lions will ever win another championship. Sorry Bobby – not this year. The Lions will not be the worst team in the NFL this year but it won’t be for lack of trying. Lions are 4-12.  

Trump Begs – Red Translates

No matter what insults Red hurls back at these emails from the Reality TV Show Joke of a President, they just keep coming. Here’s a recent favorite.

I need your help right now Friend (Sucker/Loser).

LIBERAL MEGA DONORS MAXED OUT contributions to Sleepy Joe and Phony Kamala Harris (When you got nothing – call ’em names) last month. They brought in $364 MILLION in August alone (HOLY SHIT!).

I’ll never be intimidated by these Radical Socialists (Soon to be Commies) and their dirty MEGA DONOR MONEY (But I can be bought off by my MEGA DONORS), but I can’t ignore that $364,000,000 in ONE MONTH is a massive amount of cash (At least 10 times my net worth).

The Liberals are funneling money (Like the Russians funneled money to my failing businesses) to their candidates at an alarming rate to try and take us down. They think they can intimidate us (Boy are they right) with their MAXED-OUT (I could put in the actual amount here but it would not be as impressive) contributions in the hope that they can buy their way into the White House (It’s only for sale by me). They couldn’t be more wrong (I’m actually scared shitless).

They may have Silicon Valley and HOLLYWOOD ELITES, but I’ve got something better. I have YOU (SUCKER/LOSER).

It’s the MOB (You know the US Mob – not the preferred Russian Mob that I deal with), THE MEDIA (Even those bastards at FOX News are leaving this sinking ship), THE HOLLYWOOD ELITES (God I wanted to be one of them so bigly), THE DEEP STATE (and the DEEPER STATE) and THE SWAMP (Anyone who disagrees with me) vs. YOU(SUCKER or LOSER – you pick this time). Let’s remind them that AMERICA IS NOT FOR SALE (Only my administration is for sale – and I’ll make you a deal on Melania if push comes to shove). This is YOUR COUNTRY NOT THEIRS (A house divided is really good for me).

With your help, I want to have our BEST ONLINE FUNDRAISING DAY EVER (Look it’s either pay me now or pay for my legal defense fund later). Your support is SO important that I’ve activated an UNPRECEDENTED 800%-MATCH on ALL contributions (the ultimate con-man come on – amazing how many fall for this) .

I’ve asked my team (Quarterbacked by Bill Barr) will send me a list of EVERY Patriot (Sucker/Loser) who steps up today (Does anybody run a grammar check on this crap?). I’ll be looking for your name, Friend (or Traitor if you don’t pay up). Will I see it (before the doors of the Gray Bar Hotel close in on me)?

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – NFC East

Red is getting a late start on his 2020 predictions and is therefore jumping into the deep end this season and starting with the traditional roast of the NFC East which other than the Eagles’ Superb Owl championship in 2017 has been among the doormat divisions of the NFL for going on about 20 years. 

Red will provide the 2019 NFL season overview and general thoughts on this season at a a later date.

Philadelphia Eagles

The reigning NFC East champs more or less by default.  The Eagles did have a nice closing run winning 4 straight to edge out the floundering Cowboys before losing to the Seahawks in the first round after Jadeveon Clowney’s cheap shot took out QB Carson Wentz.  No team is going to win a playoff game with Josh McCown at the helm.  The Eagles were decimated by injuries last year – so much that their No. 1 wide receiver was Greg Ward – last heard from as the quarterback of the Houston Cougars.  They signed Marquise Goodwin (every team needs at least one and preferably two Marquises)  but he opted out.  Nonetheless with Alshon Jeffery and Desean Jackson back Wentz will not lack options downfield.  Red predicts a breakout year for Miles Sanders as the top back.   Philadelphia is 10-6 and division champ again.

Dallas Cowboys

2019 saw the end of the Jason Garrett era as the Cowboys started strong with 3 wins over the weak sisters of the division and Miami.  Then reality set in with 3 losses to better competition.  Still the Boys had a chance going into week 16 at Philadelphia.  Alas, the Red Rule was in effect and 17 points was more than enough to dispatch Jerry’s boys and their last best shot at the playoffs.  Garrett was quickly shown the door and the Mike McCarthy era began even as it appears the Dak Prescott interregnum may be coming to a close.  Unable to work out a deal, the Cowboys applied the franchise tag to Prescott who seems overly perturbed about being paid $31 million this season.  Holdover Kellen Moore (future head coach of the New England Patriots) will be dialing up the plays which gives the Boys a halfway decent chance to win almost any game despite an increasingly decrepit offensive line.  And  Red is unsure about a defense that lost its best cornerback and pass rusher and is transitioning to the notoriously complicated schemes of new defensive coordinator Mike Nolan.  All that said, Red sees only about 4 or 5 surefire wins on the schedule.  After all this is a team that couldn’t catch the crippled Eagles last year. Red calls it 8-8 for the Cowboys and another season on the outside looking in. 

P.S. Red has his usual bitch about the favorable TV schedule for a team that has won a total of 4 playoff games in the last 25 years, is 4-10 in the playoffs since 1996 and hasn’t come close to sniffing a Conference Championship during that stretch with the possible exception of the controversial loss to the Packers in 2014. Based on that record of excellence, this season the Cowboys are rewarded with 5 prime time spots (4 more than the minimum), 6 late afternoon games (including Thanksgiving and a road game in Seattle) for a total of 11 national TV appearances. Red calls BS.

New York Football Giants

In desperation, the Giants have turned to Bill Bellicheat disciple Joe Judge.  Unfortunately,  BB has been a poor stud and his progeny have generally fizzled out.  Undoubtably, new offensive coordinator Jason Garrett will pull out all the stops when playing the Cowboys and he will breathe some life into an offense that has talent in Daniel Jones and Saquon Barkley.  Expect the Giants to be interesting if not exciting.  But don’t expect them to win too many games.  Giants go 6-10 and feel the love.

Washington Football Team formerly known as the OTNAs

Red gets to pull out the “Offensive Term for Native Americans” one last time.  He won’t have them to Kickapoo anymore.  Red is Hopi that they come up a better nick-Nambe.  Even so, there’s a real  Quechan  as to whether the deal made for new head coach Ron Rivera will  really Pai off – there’s certainly no Guarani – he may be Cochiti.  They may not stink as much as last year, but if Ute think this team is going to be competitive –  Huron drugs.  This team has a Ottawa to go before they will have anything to Crow about.   And they are Innu overall terrible division.  They might Chippewa at the Giants for a shot at 3rd place, but . If you’re a fan looking for improvement, the best Red can offer is for you to Goshute the owner. Just kidding that’s Nottoway to improve the situation.  Okay Red has to Makah prediction –  if he Haida guess – 5 wins is the best the WFT Caddo this season.

Steve Stockman Still Sits in Slammer

Former Republican Congressman Stephen E. Stockman (TP -Texas) has been denied compassionate release by U.S. Dist. Court Judge Lee Rosenthal. Stockman will be serving the rest of his well-deserved 10-year sentence at FCI Beaumont Low where he has been locked up for almost 2 years. Stockman also asked to have his sentence reduced to time served based on the high number of COVID-19 infections at federal slammer located in the East Texas district that the disgraced former representative used to serve. As Judge Rosenthal noted, Stockman’s case was not helped by the fact that he had already caught the virus and recovered from it after filing his motion.

Courts have found that an increased risk of COVID-19 infection or severe symptoms or effects because of an inmate’s underlying conditions shows the ‘extraordinary and compelling reasons’ necessary for a sentencing reduction under § 3582(c)(1)(A). But when, as here, an inmate is infected and recovers, courts have found that those risks change and diminish.”

For those who don’t remember or would like to forget – the former political darling of the Tea Party was a firebrand staunch, law and order conservative. But Stockman was convicted in April 2018 by a federal jury of using charitable contributions to fund his political campaign and pay for personal expenses. He was sentenced to 10 years in prison after the jury found he fraudulently solicited about $1.25 million in supposedly charitable contributions.  In Trump’s America that makes him a very modest grifter.

Melania Speaks – Red Translates

Due to exigent circumstances, Red can’t take you all the way through FLOTUS Melania (“I don’t care, do you?) Trump’s attempt to shore up support for the Reality TV Show Joke of a President and Husband last night. The speech delivered from the denuded White House Rose Garden in violation of all political norms and probably the Hatch Act was delivered in her typical Ice Princess fashion such that it is impossible to believe that she actually believes most of the utter bullshit coming out of her mouth. Here goes nothing.

Blah, blah, blah . . .

I want to acknowledge the fact that since March, our lives have changed drastically (it looks more and more like Donald is going to prison). The invisible enemy, Covid-19, swept across our beautiful country and impacted all of us (mostly old poor people of color so no great loss but I digress). My deepest sympathy goes out to everyone who has lost a loved one and my prayers are with those who are ill or suffering (from the bottom of my ice cold heart). I know many people are anxious and some feel helpless (because of the incompetent leadership of my husband). I want you to know you are not alone. My husband’s administration will not stop fighting until there is an effective treatment or vaccine available to everyone (unless he has a tee time). Donald will not rest until he has done all he can to take care of everyone impacted by this terrible pandemic (again making exceptions for tee times). I want to extend my gratitude to all of the health care professionals, front line workers and teachers who stepped up in these difficult times (but please stay away from me). Despite the risk to yourselves and your own families, you put our country first and my husband and I are grateful (but will avoid you like the plague). I have been moved by the way Americans have come together (despite my husband trying to rip us apart) in such an unfamiliar and often frightening situation (that we were warned about and completely ignored as long as possible). It is in times like this that we will look back and tell our grandchildren that through kindness and compassion, strength and determination, we were able to restore the promise of our future (and explain why grandma and grandpa didn’t make it). Businesses stepped up (and promptly closed up shop), and volunteers stepped in (to the big pile of shit my husband made of this). People were eager to share ideas, resources, and support of all kinds with neighbors and strangers alike (while waiving guns in the faces of the non-whites).

Growing up as a young child in Slovenia, which was under communist rule at the time, I always heard about an amazing place called America — a land that stood for freedom and opportunity. As I grew older it became my goal to move to the United States and follow my dream of working in the fashion industry (and posing naked for money). My parents worked very hard to ensure our family could not only leave and prosper in America, but also contribute to a nation that allows for (nice white) people to arrive with a dream and make it reality (by marrying a rich old pervert). I want to take the moment to thank my mother and father (chain migrants) for all that they have done for our family. It is because of you that I am standing here today.I arrived in the United States when I was 26 years old (and really damn hot). Living and working in the land of opportunity was a dream come true, but I wanted more (than posing naked for money). I wanted to be a citizen. After 10 years of paperwork and patience (and living on an expired visa), I studied for the test in 2006 and became an American citizen.It is still one of the proudest moments in my life, because with hard work and determination I was able to achieve my own American dream (again girls, he may be disgusting but he has money, money, money). As an immigrant and a very independent woman (read the prenup), I understand what a privilege it is to live here and to enjoy the freedoms and opportunities that we have (when you marry a sugar daddy). As first lady, I have been fortunate to see the American dream come true over and over again (not only for me but for contributors to my husband’s campaign).

For many years, I watched him grow concerned and frustrated (no nookie at home and no porn stars to bang), and I’m so proud to see the many things he has done in such a short time (who else could have chipped away at the very foundations of our democracy so quickly). America is in his heart (and his pocketbook). So while at times, we only see the worst of people in politics on the evening news (that’s really nothing compared to what I get to see at home), let’s remember how we come together in the most difficult times (to make a buck). And while debate rages on about issues of race, let’s focus on the strides we have made and work together for a better tomorrow for everyone (but mostly for rich white folks).

As you have heard this evening, I do not want to use this precious time attacking the other side because as we saw last week, that kind of talk only serves to divide the country further (I obviously didn’t watch last night). I am here because we need my husband to be our president and commander in chief for four more years (that way he can stay out of prison for four years, not blow his money on lawyers and who knows he may be dead by 2024 if he keeps wolfing down Big Macs). He is what is best for our country (what’s good for General Bullmoose is good for the USA). We all know Donald Trump makes no secrets about how he feels about things (and feels things like pussy). Total honesty is what we as citizens deserve from our president (am I trying to sabotage his chances with this line or do I really think you will believe whatever bullshit these guys wrote for me), whether you like it or not, you always know what he is thinking (and believe me it’s even more disgusting than you could imagine). And that is because he is an authentic person (not a robot despite rumors to the contrary) who loves this country (and how much he can line his pockets as president) and its (rich white) people and wants to continue to make it better (to scarf up more bucks). Donald wants to keep your family safe (we need consumers), he wants to help your family succeed (MAGA hats now only $25). He wants nothing more than for this country to prosper and he doesn’t waste time playing politics (again who wrote this shit?).