Team Trump Lies – Red Translates

Maybe for last time, Red will translate the lies of President Trump – this time coming from “Team Trump.” Unfortunately, Red will probably have a chance to continue this exercise after the trash is taken out of the White House on Jan. 20.

This email was sent yesterday while Trump was whipping the crowd into a seditious frenzy – so it is of some historical significance.

Red,

We need to make sure you’re aware of how important today is (the Revolution starts in about an hour by my watch).

Congress will vote this afternoon to certify, or object to, the Election results (but not if you storm the Capitol). Over 100 Members of Congress have vowed to fight for President Trump and OBJECT TO the results because they are concerned about voting irregularities and potential fraud (despite knowing Trump is a pathological liar and that everything he has said about the election is utter bullshit, we still have them running scared for their political lives).

The stakes have NEVER been higher (well, that is kind of true – Trump’s seditious plan to steal the election is pretty high stakes stuff), Red, President Trump needs YOU to make a statement and publicly stand (or riot if you prefer) with him and FIGHT BACK (find a Capitol Policeman and punch him).

Let’s get 1,000,000 signatures from Americans supporting their President and Vice President and DEMAND transparency (and the theft of this election).

Please add your name NOW to stand with President (Don the Con) Trump and Vice President (Groveling Mike) Pence against the Election results (because those results were not what Trump wanted and Trump always gets his way – facts be damned).

President Trump and Vice President Pence (cross Pence off this list after last night) are really counting on your support right now, Red.

We’re sending them a list of EVERY Patriot (aka Seditious Rioters) who steps up today (up the Capitol Steps and into the House and Senate Chambers). Make sure they see your name.

Please add your name IMMEDIATELY to publicly stand with President Trump and Vice President Pence (fuck him now).

Thank you,

Team Trump (a dwindling band).

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Georgia to the Rescue?

With Rev. Warnock already declared the victor and Mr. Ossof seemingly headed to a narrow win in the Georgia U.S. Senate runoff elections, it will be interesting to see what the new narrative will be from the Trumpian Party (fka the GOP). The consistent drumbeat from the apparently corrupt, prevaricating, outgoing Senators Perdue and Loeffler has been that they are the last bulwark standing between the nation and godless socialism that will destroy America as we know it.

That is not going to happen. Control of the Senate will now be in the hands of the so-called moderates from both parties Manchin from W. Virginia, Romney from Utah, Collins from Maine, Murkowski from Alaska and some others. Any legislation will have to get their support to have a realistic chance of passage. America is not going to turn into the socialist hellhole predicted by the Perdue, Loeffler and the right-wing media mob. It just is not going to happen. Of course, that will not stop them from creating a new false narrative to pitch to gullible Trump Voters who slop at the table of Fox News, OAN and NewsMax. But will any new narrative continue to have legs in the face of actual moderately progressive legislation? Red cannot predict that.

What Red can predict is that Democratic control of the Senate will mean that President Biden will have free reign on his incoming cabinet and judicial picks for at least two years. That is no small thing and worth the price of admission alone.

Red’s 2020 Playoff Prediction – Wildcard Weekend

Red’s dream of a 6-10 team making the NFL playoffs died on Sunday evening as the Philadelphia Eagles seemingly tanked a chance at victory over the Washington FTs in order to preserve their No. 6 spot for the 2021 draft. But at least Red has been proven right in that such an outcome is possible. The FTs will now become the third team in the Eight Division Era to make it to the playoffs with a losing record. The Seahawks in 2010 made it with a 7-9 record and Carolina in 2014 with a 7-8-1 mark. Interestingly, both of those teams won their first round playoff game. Red will take that into account and shift his focus to proving that a 5-11 team can make the playoffs under the current format.

Wildcard Weekend Predictions:

Let’s take them in order

Saturday

Bills over Colts – The Bills are not really showing any signs of weakness right now. And while Red thinks that Phillip Rivers deserves more than his one appearance in an AFC Championship game, he just doesn’t see that happening against what may be the best team in the league right now (with the Chiefs sort of staggering to the finish line). Josh Allen should be MVP and Stephon Diggs is the best or second best WR in the league right now. And the Bills defense is likely just too much for the inconsistent Colts offense to handle. Still the Colts will keep it close for a while, but in the end the Bills will control the clock and wear down a very game Colts defense. Buffalo 35 – Indianapolis 21.

Seahawks over Rams – The Rams were less than impressive in a must win matchup against the stumbling Cardinals in Week 17. The Seahawks were equally mediocre in taking care of business against the 49ers. Experience counts here and the Seahawks in the era of Russell Wilson and Pete the Cheat have managed to win a playoff game every season but in 2016 when they missed the show and 2018 when they lost a close one to the Cowboys. This is just a fairly solid team that handled the Rams two weeks ago. The Seattle defense has dramatically improved and kept the team in a lot of close games. Meanwhile, the Rams seemed like they were staggering around looking for a place to fall until they found redemption against a disappointing Cardinals squad in the last week of the season. Red sees no reason to pick the Rams here, but it will likely be a low-scoring snoozefest of a playoff game. Seattle 17 Los Angeles 12.

FTs over Buccaneers – Red is operating on the team with the non-winning record’s (see above and also see the 8-8 2008 San Diego Chargers and 2011 Denver Broncos) history of first round excellence in the playoffs and the fact that all the pressure is on the Buccaneers in this game. Really, the FTs are living on borrowed time and the Bucs spent the entire off-season and season dreaming of Tom Brady leading them to Valhalla. The FTs will be loose and the Bucs will be gripping. The Bucs should win this easily with a top tier defense and experienced QB. Red is predicting the FTs knock Brady out of the game early and it turns into a slugfest. Washington 17 Tampa Bay 16.

And on to Sunday.

Ravens over Titans – It’s now or never for Lamar Jackson as far as the playoffs go. He and the Ravens desperately need a win. But they get a very tough matchup here in a Titans team that can break it loose at any time with D. Henry and A.J. Brown. LJ is going to have to will his team over the finish line. In any event, this should be your NFL Playoff Game of the Week. Baltimore 35 Tennessee 31.

Saints over Bears – This is probably Drew Brees’ last or next to last good shot at another Superb Owl appearance. He is not likely to blow it again against a thoroughly mediocre but game Bears team. It should be a blowout and have Red heading for a quick 9 holes before halftime. New Orleans 31 Chicago 14.

Browns over Stealers. A nice close out to the weekend in this one. After starting 11-0, the Stealers have posted a pathetic 1-4 record and sank from the king of the AFC to a minor prince with the third seed. Meanwhile the Browns have quietly put together a very good season even while missing some of their top talent. Assuming that all hands are on deck this weekend, Red has the Browns upsetting the Stealers even though these back to back matchups tend to favor the team that lost the season closer. Cleveland 28 Pittsburgh 20.

Red’s NFL Weekly Ratings 2020 – Week 16

Red’s long held dream of a 6-10 team making the playoffs is still alive thanks to the pathetic excuse for a professional football division that is the NFC East. If the 6-9 Washington FTs lose to the we-can’t-believe-we-are-out-of-it Philadelphia Eagles and the 5-10 New York Football Giants beat the 6-9 Dallas Cowboys then all three teams will finish with 6-10 records and the Giants will make the playoffs on a tiebreaker. Sadly, however, there appears to be no chance for a blizzard game in New Jersey on Sunday. You can’t have everything. But on a positive note, we did have Steve Kornacki breaking down the playoff picture on Sunday Night Football for NBC – wearing the Kornacki Khakis of course. Onward through the fog.

Red’s Top Ten:

  1. Kansas City Chiefs (14-1). Having clinched the top seed in a sloppy game against the Falcons, the Chiefs will not play on the road until either the Superb Owl or next season. Red thinks the BIlls are the only AFC team that can beat the Chiefs.
  2. Buffalo Bills (12-3). Bills fans celebrate the first AFC East Championship since the days of Jim Kelly. That a complete dismemberment of the Patriots on MNF makes for a glorious season. Only the Chiefs stand in the way of another Superb Owl loss (or possibly victory).
  3. Green Bay Packers (12-3). Packers were certainly impressive in dispatching the Titans as if they were a Trump lawsuit challenging the election results.
  4. New Orleans Saints (11-4). Four straight NFC South Division Titles and a dollar will get you a Jack-in-the-Box taco. That said, Red doesn’t think that Alvin Kamara is going to rest on his record tying 6 rushing touchdowns against the Vikings on Christmas Day. AK tied Ernie Nevers who had 6 for the Chicago Cardinals in 1929. Red isn’t sure but that probably was the longest standing single game record left in the books. That probably leaves Norm Van Brocklin’s single game passing yardage record as the longest outstanding single game record.
  5. Pittsburgh Stealers (12-3). The Stealers rebounded with a big come-from-behind victory against the chocking Colts. Red still wonders if the Stealers will make it out of the first round of the playoffs against the Dolphins, Ravens or Titans.
  6. Seattle Seahawks (11-4). Give the Seahawks their due, they punched the Rams to the brink of playoff elimination while securing the NFC West title. That may be as good as it gets for the Seahawks.
  7. Miami Dolphins (10-5). Is there another miracle finish in store for the Dolphins? The Dolphins are Just a victory over the Bills away from the playoffs. And Red is just a few hundred million short of being a billionaire. Miami will be a hot pick for the Superb Owl next season with oodles of draft picks and cap space.
  8. Baltimore Ravens (10-5). The Ravens have righted the ship and trimmed the sails with four consecutive wins over weak competition (with exception of the Browns). Can the Ravens beat a good football team?
  9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-5). The reward for what Red views as an entirely mediocre season (the Bucs will likely finish with exactly one win over a team with a winning record (how this team beat down the Packers is a mystery) probably will be getting to play the winner of the NFC East and an almost assured second round playoff game against more formidable competition. If they win against the Falcons on Sunday, the Bucs might just be the worst 11-5 team in NFL history.
  10. Chicago Bears (8-7). Bears will clinch a playoff spot with an upset win over the Packers at Soldier Field.

Still in the Hunt:

11. LA Rams (9-6). A win against the Cardinals and they are in the playoffs. Sounds exciting.

12. Arizona Cardinals (8-7). A win against the Rams and they are in the playoffs. Sounds exciting.

13. Tennessee Titans (10-5). Red has been on the Titans’ bandwagon all year. His horn was ripped out of his hands this week by the Packers – who exposed all the flaws in the Titans. Titans still have a clear path to the playoffs if they can beat the Texans. And if they cannot, then the Titans deserve to sit and watch.

14. Cleveland Browns (10-5). Red can’t really blame the crippled Browns for losing to the Jets but it was about the most Browns’ thing yet this season. Red still thinks they can beat the Stealers at home and make it to the dance.

15. Indianapolis Colts (10-5). On life support now despite a pretty good season.

15. Washington FT’s (6-9). See above.

16. New York Giants (5-10). See above.

17. Dallas Cowboys (6-9). See above. Is Andy Dalton better than at least 10 other current starting quarterbacks in the league? Let’s see – Newton, Bridgewater, Cousins, Jones, Fitzpatrick (sort of) and whoever is starting for the Jaguars, Bengals, Broncos, Jets and Bears.

The Dogs of the Downs:

  1. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-14). Nobody does football worse.
  2. New Jersey Jets (2-13). Red is rooting for a 3 game win streak to finish the season. Watch out 2021.
  3. Houston Texans (4-11). It’s not a dumpster fire on South Main – the entire dump is ablaze. Is Urban Meyer really interested in this franchise?
  4. Atlanta Falcons (4-11). Never have so many done so little with so much.
  5. Philadelphia Eagles (4-10-1). A truly pathetic season all around. And the prospects are not looking good.

Red’s Parting Shot for 2020 – Trump Writes (Red Translates)

Red is going on holiday break and except for his NFL updates will probably not be posting much over the next week or so. But Red will take a few moments to take one final 2020 parting shot at the Reality TV Show Joke of a President.

Trump’s attempted treason has been out in the open for over a month now and yet, the country may be entering its most dangerous phase. Trump seems more and more unhinged as he claims a “landslide victory” in an election where he got his massive butt kicked. That Trump always had a very tenuous grasp on reality is now beyond question as he desperately attempts to cling to power. Trump seems to have no clue that this is alienating even some of his die-hard supporters who still value country over a personality cult. Red is hopeful in his belief that Trump has the stomach for invoking the Insurrection Act as a lead in to an actual civil “shooting” war led by his right-wing militia supporters. That is the only way he could conceivably attempt to hang on at this point. The legal options have run dry. But at the same time, Red is reluctant to sell Trump’s megalomania and sociopathy short. As Red has noted, if millions have to die or be injured in a civil war to keep Trump in power, that is certainly a price he would be willing to pay. So while Red encourages Trump to keep playing his losing hand short of fomenting civil war, he does worry about the long-term consequences of this “strategy.”

Alright, Red promised you one last translation of Trump speak, so here is Red’s take on one of the daily emails from your soon to be former President:

Red,

Where have you been (hopefully training with your local Proud Boys contingent)?

I really want YOU to win the beautiful Make America Great Again Hat that I SIGNED for you (as opposed the millions of other suckers I am sending this email to), but I noticed you STILL haven’t entered yet (you cheap bastard).

You’ve always been one of my BEST supporters (despite nary a nickel from your pocket), Red, so I’ve decided to unlock an exclusive short-term DOUBLE-ENTRY just for you (I learned this at the Con Man Academy of Arts).

This is a ONE-TIME offer (until next week anyway) that ends at MIDNIGHT TONIGHT (Con Man 101 – always have a ridiculous deadline).

Please contribute ANY AMOUNT by 11:59 PM TONIGHT and you will be automatically entered TWICE (Con Man 102 – make ’em feel special) to win the Make America Great Again Hat that I SIGNED for you.

Remember, this hat is ONE-OF-A-KIND (I sweated on it during my last round of golf), and I can’t think of anyone else more deserving of it than YOU (except anyone who contributes more than you).

All you have to do is make another contribution and you’ll automatically be entered TWICE(Con Man 103 – repeat, repeat, repeat)!

Contribute ANY AMOUNT NOW (Don’t read the fine print below that tells you that you are contributing to my slush fund and don’t actually have to contribute anything to win) to be automatically entered TWICE to WIN the SIGNED (by Sharpie of course) Make America Great Again Hat.

Thank you,

Donald J. Trump
President (for life) of the United States
(Again please don’t read the following which tells you that everything I have written above is a complete and total lie)

Contributions to the Trump Make America Great Again Committee are not deductible for federal income tax purposes (at least until the Trump Personality Cult is certified as an actual religion).
**NO PURCHASE, PAYMENT, CONTRIBUTION, OR TEXT MESSAGE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. Contributing or sending a text message will not improve your chances of winning (or Trump winning the election for that matter). Void where prohibited. Entries must be received between December 11, 2020, at 12:00 a.m. Eastern Time and ends on December 26, 2020 at 11:59 p.m. Eastern Time. Odds of winning depend on the number of eligible entries received. One (1) winner will receive one signed Official Make America Great Again Hat (collectively, the “Prize”). The Prize includes the following components:a. One (1) signed Official Make America Great Again Hat, signed by auto-pen (Trump can’t be bothered to actually sign the damn thing):b. One (1) certificate of authentication; The total approximate retail value of the Prize is $30 (and a lifetime of knowing you have been conned by the best).

Thank you for joining Team Trump. It’s because of grassroots supporters (aka Suckers) like YOU that we’ve been able to consistently call out the Fake News media EVERY SINGLE TIME they try to spread misinformation or outright LIES (also known as the TRUTH) about the important work President Trump is doing (he’s on the back nine now). Reaching grassroots supporters directly is CRITICAL if we’re going to WIN BIG in November (Yep, it really says this). But, in order to do that we need to provide them with the most up-to-date information on all of our efforts.

Together, we will Make America Great Again (which he clearly failed to do in the last 4 years)

You can also sign up to receive text messages from Team Trump, members of the Trump family, and even the President himself (Whoopee!). If you would like to opt-out of important campaign updates like this, please click here. If you would like to give feedback to the President (as long as it is fawning praise), click here. If you’d like to step up and join your fellow Patriots in the fight (detailed instructions or armed insurrection to follow) against the Left-wing MOB (otherwise known as 80 million Americans) please click here to sign up to volunteer with Team Trump (or better yet, your local right-wing militia). It’s because of the commitment and support from real Patriots, like YOU Joe, that we will Make America Great Again (and again and again and again)! We appreciate your support and with your help, we’ll secure FOUR MORE YEARS (but hopefully not in Prison)!
Start earning Trump Reward points (Con Man 104 – just make shit up) and download the Official Trump 2020 App below.

Red’s 2020 NFL Rankings – Week 15

Red predicts that you will soon meet a woman – a blonde or brunette – possibly a red head. Red also predicts that many of the NFL Playoff spots will come down to the last week of the season – thanks in no small part to the extra Wild Card team. That’s just what prognosticators like Red needed to keep them in business to the end. Six teams are in including the Chiefs, Bills and Stealers in the AFC and the Packers, Saints and Seahawks in the NFC. Eleven teams are already waiting until next year and fifteen, count ’em fifteen teams are still in the hunt. So here goes:

Red’s Top Ten – aka the Popular Kids:

  1. Kansas City Chiefs (13-1). The Chiefs are in a class by themselves right now with Professor Andy Reid instructing star pupils like Patrick Mahomes, Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce and Sammy Watkins. He even has room for remedial learners like LeVeon Bell. Another win against the Falcons on Sunday wraps up the first round bye and the Chief can coast into the playoffs.
  2. Buffalo Bills (11-3). In case you hadn’t noticed the Bills are good, really good. Diggs and Beasley may be the number two WR combo in the league right now behind any combination of Chiefs receivers. Oh, and there’s this guy Allen who looks okay.
  3. Green Bay Packers (11-3). The Packers are not making it look easy right now with less than impressive wins in recent weeks over the Panthers and Lions. Next week’s match-up with the Titans has “NFL Game of the Week” written all over it.
  4. Cleveland Browns (10-4). Browns are No. 4 with a bullet after beating the previously hot Giants on Sunday. Everything is clicking for the Browns right now. They seize their first playoff spot since 2002 with a win over the Jags on Sunday. Trivia Question: Who was the Browns’ quarterback in their last playoff win?
  5. Pittsburgh Stealers (11-2). Red is reporting early this week but he will assume the Stealers beat the crippled Bengals tonight. If Red is wrong, readers can self-adjust the rankings accordingly.
  6. New Orleans Saints (10-4). There is no shame in losing to the Chiefs, but the Saints seem to be in decline. They are still dangerous in the NFC playoffs because of the semi-pathetic competition at the lower levels.
  7. Seattle Seahawks (10-4). Seahawks are in the playoffs. While Red is reluctant to declare their early demise as he remembers a pretty mediocre 7-9 Seahawks team sort of clobbering a Saints team that some were predicting to go to the Superb Owl, he just doesn’t think this squad can hang with the Packers or Saints.
  8. Tennessee Titans (9-5). The best of the 9-5 squads sits atop the AFC South. They will solidify playoff chances by dispatching the Packers on Sunday. Looking for to that one, Red is.
  9. Miami Dolphins (9-5). So benching The Beard turned out to be a good move.
  10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-5). Bucs coast into playoffs with criminally easy remaining schedule.

Still in the Hunt aka the Wannabes.

11. Indianapolis Colts (9-5). Much as it pains Red to say it, the Colts are odds on favorite to make the playoffs by beating the Jags in Week 17. A sure bet if they are victorious against the Stealers next week. Red wouldn’t bet on the Stealers and neither should you.

12. Los Angeles Rams (9-5). Losing to the Jets confirms Red’s suspicions about the Rams. You just don’t know if the Rams team that beat the Seahawks and the Dolphins is going to show up on any given Sunday.

13. Arizona Cardinals (8-6). Red might take a flyer on the Cardinals making some trouble in the playoffs – if they get to the playoffs, that is.

14. Washington FT’s (6-8). 6-8 and in the driver’s seat with games remaining against the Panthers and Eagles. Hmmm. This looks very likely to kill off Red’s dream of a 6-10 team making the playoffs.

15. Baltimore Ravens (9-5). Needing a number of things to happen to make the playoffs and get a shot at redemption for the last two years of sad sack playoff football. Ravens should be able to take of their end of the bargain with games against the Giants and Bengals.

16. Chicago Bears (7-7). Not quite “stick a fork in them done” but almost ready to come off the grill. They probably stay alive this week with the Jags on the schedule and maybe just maybe the Packers are starting the scrubs in Week 17.

17. Las Vegas Raiders (7-7). A game effort by Marcus Mariota was not enough to keep the Chargers from practically ending the Raiders chances. Maybe Mariota gets a couple of games to show that he can still play.

18. Minnesota Vikings (6-8). Miracles do happen. But there is a reason they are called miracles.

19. Dallas Cowboys (5-9). The Cowboys are red hot but have to finish off the Giants and Eagles and hope the FTs stumble. See below.

20. New York Giants (5-9). Why won’t the Giants just go away?

21. Philadelphia Eagles (4-8-1). The pulse is very faint indeed.

The Bottom of the Barrel – Sitting alone in the Lunchroom.

  1. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-13). Ugh, simply ugh.
  2. New Jersey Jets (1-13). Red would like to see some post-game footage of the Jets celebration after beating the Rams. On any given Sunday . . .
  3. Cincinnati Bengals (2-10-1). Considering a move to Havana.
  4. Houston Texans (4-10). Finding new and imaginative ways to lose close games.
  5. Atlanta Falcons (4-10). Never has so much talent been wasted.

Red’s 2020 NFL Rankings – Week 13

Well the U.S. finally has a bigger loser than the Jets this week. Oh come on. You know who Red is talking about. Or do you? Whatever. Moving on to the real news.

Red’s Top of the Pops

  1. Kansas City Chiefs (12-1). Everything is up to date in Kansas City. They let the Dolphins believe for a while last week before slamming the door. The Stealers loss means that the Chiefs can probably give one game away and still have the first round bye which is either critical or meaningless depending on who you are talking to.
  2. Buffalo Bills (10-3). Coming on like a steam roller. They toyed with the Stealers before pouncing on Big Ben with a pick-six and then demonstrating that the Stealers defense is a ruse against a talented multi-faceted offense. Josh Allen for MVP.
  3. Green Bay Packers (10-3). A close game against the Lions is not a harbinger of success. But why aren’t people calling Matt LaFleur the best young coach in the NFL? Now in the driver’s seat for the first round bye.
  4. New Orleans Saints (10-3). Now in the suicide seat for the first round bye. Especially with the Chiefs looming on the schedule next week. T. Hill is impressive but he is probably not going to beat the real playoff teams.
  5. Los Angeles Rams (9-4). Once again Red has to say that the Rams winning the brutal NFC West would be the biggest shocker of the season and it looks like it is happening. Although the Seahawks and Cardinals may have something to say about that in weeks 16 and 17. And could this be the week the Jets win a game?
  6. Pittsburgh Stealers (11-2). The Stealers are in free fall right now. Fortunately the Bengals are up next. After that the Colts and Browns and Pittsburgh could be looking at 12-4 and a wildcard if the Browns win out.
  7. Baltimore Ravens (8-5). With the Jaguars, Giants and Bengals, the Ravens have a legit shot at turning the season around and finishing 11-5. Not bad for a team that has struggled though much of the season. The MNF game last week was the kind of game fans long for.
  8. Cleveland Browns (9-4). The Browns have shown that they can play with anybody. But can they win a playoff game? Back to back trips to the Meadowlands should ease the path into the playoffs. Week 17 game against the Stealers could be a doozy with a lot on the line.
  9. Seattle Seahawks (9-4). If they lose to the FT’s this week all bets are off. Red might just take Washington in this one. Hail to the FT’s! Hail Victory!
  10. Tennessee Titans (9-4). Yeah, Red should put the Colts here but he has never liked the Colts since they skulked out of Baltimore in the middle of the night.

Still Licking Their Chops

11. Indianapolis Colts (9-4). See above. Nothing against P. Rivers but Red would not mind seeing the Colts lose out.

12. Arizona Cardinals (7-6). Still in the thick of things thanks to the sorry state of the NFC.

13. Washington FTs (6-7). Who’d a thunk it? Certainly not Red. Sadly, the NFC East is in the process of redeeming itself.

14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5). Brady may have used up his last bit of arm strength with two long TDs on Sunday. A ridiculously easy schedule has them cruising to the playoffs.

15, Las Vegas Raiders (7-6). Red wouldn’t bet on the Raiders. But he isn’t sure who he would bet on.

16. Miami Dolphins (8-5). The Dolphins can end the Patriots season on Sunday. Wouldn’t it be nice!

The Incredible Turds (Red always thought that would be a good name for a Punk Band)

  1. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-12). Red will never pick the Jags to win anything ever again.
  2. New Jersey Jets (0-13). Come on, win a game.
  3. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11). Red spent all this time learning how to spell Cincinnati and for what?
  4. Houston Texans (4-9). The Texans don’t rebuild. They implode. The Hot Mess on South Main.
  5. Detroit Lions (5-8). There may be worse teams, but why bother looking for them.

Donald Trump’s Favorite Songs

As the Electoral College meets today in various state capitals across the country, Red takes some time out to provide you with the playlist of Donald Trump’s favorite songs.

  1. I’m a Loser – The Beatles
  2. I Can’t Stand Losing – The Police
  3. Lonesome Loser – Little River Band
  4. Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me – Warren Zevon
  5. Loser – Beck
  6. Running Out of Days – 3 Doors Down
  7. My Own Worst Enemy – Lit
  8. I Fought the Law (and the Law Won) – Bobby Fuller Four
  9. The Sound of Failure – Flaming Lips
  10. Loser Like Me – Glee Cast

If Red was in D.C. he would rent the biggest, loudest speakers he could find, set up in Lafayette Park across from the White House and play these on continuous loop at full volume until noon on January 20, 2021 or until he was dragged away.

H-E-B Assailed by Anti-Maskers

The Houston Chronicle reports that employees at the iconic Texas grocery store chain H-E-B are being harassed by anti-maskers to the point where they are afraid to enforce company policy. Threats of violence and bogus claims regarding personal liberty are being used by the lunatic anti-masking fringe to bully employees into letting unmasked shoppers run free.

Here is Red’s take. You don’t want to wear a mask – fine. But any business has the right to protect its employees and other customers from your stupidity. Go shop at the most right-wing, anti-science and foolish grocery store that you can find. You have no right to shop at H-E-B or anywhere else for that matter if you don’t want to follow their rules as long as such rules do not run afoul of laws designed to protect against discrimination on the basis of race, sex, color, national origin, age, disability, etc. Your right to not wear a mask is not constitutionally protected activity. Compelling you to wear a mask inside a business establishment that you do not own is not a violation of your constitutional rights. If you refuse to wear a mask and then berate employees that are doing their best to follow company policy in the face of an out-of-control pandemic, there is just one word for you. Asshole!

Moreover, there are other options for you. Red shops at H-E-B and they have staff that will fill your order for you and bring it to your car. Or like Red mentioned, go find a Proud Boys store and get your red meat there.

The Fundamental Flaw in Paxton’s Quixotic Lawsuit Against Michigan, Georgia, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin

Embattled Texas AG Ken Paxton has filed a lawsuit on behalf of Texas in the U.S. Supreme Court asking the Court to undo the results of the election in four other states. The case is brought in the Supreme Court because that is the forum for a state v. state action. Paxton claims that changes in voting procedure in these states must have been approved by the state legislatures under the “Electors Clause” of Art. II of the Constitution. That reads:

Each State shall appoint, in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a Nuber of Electors, equal to the whole Number of Senators and Representatives to which the State may be entitled in the Congress[.]

There is a lot of heavy lifting involved to stretch this clause to require that every voting procedure be approved by a state Legislature. But putting that aside, the fundamental problem with Paxton’s argument is fairly obvious. Paxton argues that only a state Legislature can change election procedure and that in these states, officials at various levels of government made changes without legislative approval. For example, Paxton argues that Pennsylvania’s Secretary of State relaxed requirements for signature verification on mail ballots.

Assuming that this and the other allegations are true, here is the problem. Paxton also argues that under Supreme Court precedent the authority to choose electors is conferred upon the state legislatures by the Constitution, and that power cannot be taken from them or modified by their state constitutions. “Whatever provisions may be made by statue, or by the state constitution, to chose electors by the people, there is no doubt of the right of the legislature to resume the power at any time, for it can neither be taken away or abdicated.”

So according to Paxton, under the Constitution the power to chose electors (and regulate elections to chose electors) is solely in the hands of the state legislatures. As such, the Supreme Court (and any other court for that matter) has no power to tell any state legislature when or when not to exercise that power and what restrictions there are on that power. That may be a scary proposition as a state legislature could possibly decide the electors and ignore the actual vote of its citizens – but that is the logical conclusion of Paxton’s argument – and Trump is apparently trying to get several state lawmakers to do just that. The Constitution leaves it solely up to the state legislature and there is no restriction on that power. If a state legislature wants to sit back and let election procedures be changed, a court has no power to require them to do anything about it. Thus, if Texas wants Pennsylvania to overturn the election it has to convince the Pennsylvania legislature to do so. It cannot go to the Supreme Court and have it decide that the Pennsylvania legislature must act.