Red’s NFL Picks – Week 8

I’m 6-foot-7, a big black guy running down the middle of the field. … I wear white gloves so [quarterback Jay Cutler] can see the white gloves when I wave them like Mickey Mouse.” — Martellus Bennett

Red is a Daffy Duck man himself. Despicable.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 3-3. For the season 30-12. Red will never pick against the Patriots again – at least until he does.

Your Mickey Mouse Pick of the Week: Seahawks over Cowboys. “Hey Red, didn’t the Cowboys used to be somebody,” you ask. Well yes Jimmy, the Cowboys were once one of the NFL’s storied franchises. After a few struggling seasons beginning with the inaugural year in 1960 (sneak up behind an old Cowboys fan and shout “Eddie LeBaron” and watch him flinch), the Cowboys put up a record of almost unmatched excellence for about 30 years. Then Jerry Jones decided that he was the smartest man in football, ran off the best coach he would ever have, started to hire any felon that could hit somebody hard or go deep, and well, you know the rest of the story. More recently, the upstarts from the godforsaken wilds of the Northwest decided that, “Hey, we might be able to play football too” and started a fairly decent run with a 7-9 team that made the playoffs and actually won a game and then went on to win and lose a Superb Owl! But Timmy, things are not looking so good on the west coast either these days. Pete the Cheat hasn’t been able to brew up a good batch of his old-fashioned whip-ass tonic this season and the Seahawks are looking tired and old well before the expiration date. If the Seahawks don’t have enough left in the tank to finish off the hobbling Cowboys with Matt Cassel at the helm, then they may not even make the playoffs. Meanwhile Danny, the Cowboys are playing for time, hoping to not be in too big a hole when Romo and Dez return. And as bad as the NFC East is, the Cowboys will not be out of it with a 3-7 record. So Billy, while Red is typically an over guy, he kind of likes the under here at 41.  Seattle 17 Arlington 13.

Your Goofy Pick of the Week: Broncos/Packers Tie. It happens on average every 3 seasons. And by the way, this is your NFL game of the week. Which tells you it aint a very good week.  Broncos 35 Green Bay 35.

Your Donald Duck Pick of the Week: Patriots over Dolphins. Red could make a case for the Dolphins beating the Patriots, just like he tried to make a case for the Jets beating the Patriots last week. See how that worked out. So why bother? Take the Patriots giving up 8 at home on Thursday Night Football and flip a coin on the over/under at 51.5. It came up heads? Then the over it is. You’ll sweat this one out, but be glad you did. New England 35 Miami 25.

You’re Pluto Pick of the Week: Bengals over Stealers. Bengals are getting serious talk as possible Superb Owl contender. Beating the Stealers on the road will do nothing but ramp up that hype. Unfortunately, they do not play the Patriots so we lose our best chance at seeing a late-season matchup of undefeateds. If Bengals get over the Stealers hump, then it looks like they have the easiest road to a sure playoff spot with only the Cardinals, Broncos and the Stealers again at home as possible road bumps on the way to a division championship. Yes, Ben is back, but the Red Rifle and Gio take this one over for an easy win. Bengals cover any spread that you get.   Cincinnati 42 Pittsburgh 19.

Your Uncle Scrooge Pick of the Week: Titans over Texans. Actually, Bob McNair makes Uncle Scrooge look like a fricking genius. Bob has always followed the Clint Murchison/Cowboys model. The owner just hires folks and lets them do their job. Clint hired Tex Schramm and Tom Landry – both in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Bob has hired Bill-O the Clown and Rick Smith – both of whom may get to visit Canton if they don’t check ID’s at the door. Red is actually on the verge of giving up his official Texans’ fan status if things don’t improve soon. Things will not improve soon enough he fears. This one is a pick ‘em and Red will respectfully decline to do so. Red hopes he gets to see Mariota play in person for the first time since he destroyed the Longhorns in the Alamo Bowl in 2013.  Almost to close to call between these pathetic excuses for an NFL franchise, but here goes anyway. Texans find a new and imaginative way to lose.  Tennessee 21 Texans 20.

Your Pete is a Turd Pick of the Week: Ravens over Chargers. Red will go with the triple time zone with a Mediterranean to Mid-Atlantic climatological shift hex to pick the hapless Ravens to even things up with the almost as hapless Chargers. Red actually picked both of these teams to make the playoffs. Sorry about that. The coast to coast stench emanating from this awful anal Armageddon will spoil more than a few Sunday meals. Bet on this one only if you have a serious gambling addiction and need a cheap high. Baltimore 33 San Diego 24.

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