W Speaks, Red Translates

George W. Bush hit the campaign trail for the first time since his overdue retirement in South Carolina.  He hopes to revive brother Jeb!!!!$$$$?’s flagging hopes to bring yet another Bush to the White House.  Apparently, the former President’s favorability ratings in the Palmetto State among Republicans are as high as 84%.  Which means those folks either have very short memories or really like a legacy of incompetence and failure.

As always, Red is there to translate for you.

Thank you South Carolina, Laura and I have very fond memories of our previous times campaigning in this State (because this state saved my bacon by buying into the lies that I told about John McCain – if you crackers were dumb enough to believe that BS then you just might be stupid enough to vote for my little brother Bush).

Americans  (mostly Tea Party backers) are angry (how did we let a darkie get elected twice) and frustrated (because Whitey is no longer King), but we do not need someone (and that would be anyone not named Bush) in the Oval Office who mirrors and inflames our frustrations (believe me I know all about frustration inflammation – my approval rating was about 20% at the end),” the former president said. “We need someone (a Bush, a Bush or a Bush) who can fix the problems (Dick Cheney is too damn old now) that cause our anger (read racial prejudice) and frustration (that Whitey thing again) and that’s Jeb Bush (did you think I was going to say Kasich?).”

Jeb is a man of deep and humble faith (dude better be humble because he makes me look like a freakin’ genius) that reveals itself through good works (making money trading on the ol’ family name), not loud words (or intelligible ones for that matter).  All of the sloganeering and all of the talk doesn’t matter if we don’t win (but we will spend all of the millions he has raised nonetheless because the Bush family is really a cottage industry when it comes to campaign consultants).

We’ve become tree farmers (finally something that’s really hard to screw up). It gives me some time to practice my stump speech (I made a funny, ha ha, get it?). I’ve been one to defy expectations (mostly because I was expected to do nothing more than trade on the family name, screw up, lose money and repeat – oh wait a minute, that kind of describes my presidency). I’ve been mis-underestimated most of my life (not really, as President I pretty much hit the mis-underestimated mark square on).”

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