Failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney spoke out against Donald Trump today. Red translates for you.
If we Republicans (that means you Whitey) choose Donald Trump as our nominee (instead of a proven loser like me- for instance), the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished (who am I kidding? We’re all going to Hell in a hand basket unless they come to their senses and pick me again).
Isn’t he a huge business success (I’m piker by comparison, really) and doesn’t he know what he’s talking about? (insert dramatic pause here) No, he isn’t (I have it on good information from the Angel Moroni himself), and no he doesn’t (he never raped a company and its employees like I did).
He inherited his business (or a small fraction thereof). He didn’t create it (except most of it). And what ever happened to Trump Airlines (of course, I only fly private – rubbing shoulders with the hoi polloi in first class – how disgusting)? How about Trump University? And then there’s Trump Magazine (belly up in a dying industry) and Trump Vodka (not very good I hear- I swear on Brigham Young’s grave that I never tasted the stuff) and Trump Steaks (well those were good) and Trump Mortgage? A business genius he is not (but damn, I wish I had 1/10th of his net worth).
I know that some people (I’m talking about you Hillary) want the race to be over (but not me -surely the party will eventually wise up and realize that Joseph Smith’s dream of Mormon hegemony can only be put in place when you nominate me again). They look at history (I made a C in American History only because I sat next to an ugly girl and copied her answers) and say a trend (that is, actual voters actually voting) like Mr. Trump’s isn’t going to be stopped. Perhaps (damn it all). But the rules of political history (white guys like me win) have pretty much all been shredded (like I was in 2012) during this campaign.
Donald Trump tells us that he is very, very smart (but not smart enough to buy companies, pillage them and fire everyone like I did – that fool actually creates jobs). I’m afraid that when it comes to foreign policy he is very, very not smart. (I made a D in Freshman English – no available fat girls).
Think of Donald Trump’s personal qualities, the bullying (believe me I know about the bullying), the greed (that too), the showing off (wanna see my holy underwear?), the misogyny (we in the LDS know something about that one too), the absurd third grade theatrics (my theatrics were at least middle school level). We have long referred to him as ‘The Donald.’ He is the only person in America to whom we have added an article before his name (okay I know this is total bullshit -Ivana gave him that moniker, but it really sounds good – hmmm, “The High Priest Willard” has a certain ring to it). It wasn’t because he had attributes we admired (except when I got down on my knees and begged for his endorsement in 2012).