Red brings you his weekly six-pack of NFL Picks for the bargain basement price of clicking onto this site. What a deal!
Unlike Donald Trump, Red is trending in the right direction. Last week he racked up a second consecutive 5-1 record with the big upset prediction of the Falcons beating the red hot Broncos. Not in the plus column yet at 15-15 after five weeks, but this week for sure, maybe.
Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Eagles over OTNAs. An unusual pick headlines the weekly six-pack. The line is all over the place on this one. Some bookies have the Eagles getting 1.5 and others having them giving up from 2.5 to 3. If you can get someone foolish enough to give you the Eagles and 1.5 take it and run. Just don’t run too far because you might owe the Man some money. Sure Bet? Well, it’s a bet anyway. Red likes the under at 45 and curiously likes the over at 44. Aw, Uncle Red’s just messing with your math-challenged little head. Take the over at 44 and pray for OT. Philadelphia 26 Landover, MD 20.
Underdog Pick of the Week – Bengals at Patriots. Red picked this format and has to live with it. So every dang week Red has to choose an underdog. And every doggone week it seems to get harder and harder. And every dadgum week, it seems like he has no real reason to believe that a team like, say the Bengals (who got ass-whomped by the Cowboys last week) could stroll out of Foxboro with a victory over a team like the Pats (who merely beat the Browns and please note for the record, that under the technical definition of “ass whomp” it is impossible to “ass whomp” the Browns – you just can’t do it). But this galldurned week Red is going with it. Cincinnati 24 New England 22.
Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Raiders over Chiefs. This week we get a real rivalry – a real bitter rivalry in fact. The Chiefs lead the series 60-52-2 having played the Raiders every season since the first meeting at Kezar Stadium in 1960. Of course, they have racked up a number of wins since the Raiders have been sucking for an extended period of time. The Raiders have only won once in the last 3 seasons (Thanksgiving in 2014), but this is not your father’s Raiders team. They are your grandfather’s Raiders team. The emaciated ghost of Al Davis rides astride pale horse on the Raiders’s sideline this week. Chiefs fans beware. Oakland 33 Kansas City 30.
Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Packers over Cowboys. The Cowboys spanked the Bengals last week leading 28-0 before coasting to a 28-14 win. Dak P. continues to impress and Red’s Aunt Ida could probably run for 50 yards a game behind that offensive line. Clearly the Cowboys offense is putting the longstanding Red Rule (score 13 points and beat the Cowboys) in jeopardy. Packers are coming off a workmanlike win over Los Gigantes, but are still plagued by the inability to get any production out of the TE position. Packers defense will have to win this one with at least 3 sacks and 2 turnovers. If the Cowboys win this one, Red will eat his hat. Fortunately for Red, he typically sports a chapeau constructed from an assortment of Belgian waffles, cheese Danish and croissants. Green Bay 24 Arlington 17.
Prime Time Pick of the Week – Texans over Colts. Texans clearly suck as do the Colts, but somebody has to win this pathetic excuse for a professional football division and the winner of this one will have a leg up on a first round exit from the playoffs. Why pick the Texans? They are typically only embarrassed and outclassed by real football teams – and usually that happens on the road. Sunday night in Houston, they face a pretender at home. Fortunately for Bill-O the Clown, this is a pretender his team can probably handle. Ock Brosweiler desperately needs a decent game or the feckless faithful on Fannin Street will be calling for his head by halftime. BO manages to save his job for now, but don’t get carried away Texans fans – this Colts team is a mere shadow of its former self. Houston 21 Indianapolis 13.
Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Panthers over Saints. Every once in a very long while, the Shit Bowl features teams that aren’t frankly all that shitty. In other words, you could actually watch this game without having to first put away your guns, knives and sharp objects. The Panthers, for example, are one hard luck team this season who could easily be a respectable 3-2 (having lost two games by a total of 4 points) and fighting for the division lead. Even the Saints aren’t terrible having lost two games by a total of 4 points. Are you sensing a trend here? But nonetheless, these two not-so-venerable franchises come into this week’s Shit Bowl with a combined 2-7 record. But either of these teams could rip off 4 wins in a row and get back into the mix in the NFC South as the Falcons are destined to cool off a bit. Which makes this one a must win game for both teams and a total crapshoot for someone like Red. Next week, he goes back to the Browns who probably take up permanent residence in the weekly execrable excrement exhibition for the remainder of the season. Carolina 45 New Orleans 27.