Trump Speaks – Red Translates

TRUMP: So I just heard that they [Nazi-loving goons of my FBI] broke into the office of one of my personal attorneys — a good man [he has covered up my shit bigly for a long time now]. And it’s a disgraceful situation [in other words enforcing any law that might reflect badly on the walking human filth that is willing to work for me]. It’s a total witch hunt [Damn, I wish I wasn’t surrounded by so many witches]. I’ve been saying it for a long time. I’ve wanted to keep it down. We’ve given, I believe, over a million pages worth of documents [mostly porn] to the Special Counsel [that incredible bastard].

They continue to just go forward [like there were actual crimes being committed or something]. And here we are talking about Syria and we’re talking about a lot of serious things [like how am I going to avoid going to the pokey]. We’re the greatest fighting force ever [since the New Jersey Generals anyway]. And I have this witch hunt constantly going on for over 12 months now — and actually, much more than that. You could say it was right after I won the nomination, it started.

And it’s a disgrace. It’s, frankly, a real disgrace [and believe me I know all about disgraces – Trump University, Trump Air, Trump Wine, Trump Casinos . . . I could go on but you get the picture]. It’s an attack on our country, in a true sense [l’etat c’est moi, after all]. It’s an attack on what we all stand for [the greater glorification of me].

So when I saw this and when I heard it — I heard it like you did [because I watch 11.75 hours of Fox News everyday]— I said, that is really now on a whole new level of unfairness [meaning they are going to find a lot of shit in Cohen’s office].

So this has been going on — I saw one of the reporters, who is not necessarily a fan of mine [imagine that], not necessarily very good to me. He said, in effect, that this is ridiculous; this is now getting ridiculous [okay, I totally made that up – but prove it]. They found no collusion whatsoever with Russia. The reason they found it is there was no collusion at all. No collusion [except for the Manafort thing, the Carter Page thing, the Greek dude thing, the Don Jr. thing, the Russian Mob thing, etc.  not to mention the ongoing investigation]. This is the most biased group of people [they make those racists from the Sixties that I hung out with look like N-word lovers]. These people have the biggest conflicts of interest I’ve ever seen [Yes, everyday they come to work thinking – Gosh, I really should give this up and just love Big Donald – but then their damn devotion to the rule of law gets in the way].

Democrats [Commies] all — or just about all — either Democrats or a couple of Republicans that worked for President Obama [or traitors if you will], they’re not looking at the other side [again Commies and/or Terrorist Sympathizers]; they’re not looking at the Hillary Clinton [Bitch]— the horrible things that she did [winning the popular vote and all] and all of the crimes that were committed [jaywalking]. They’re not looking at all of the things that happened that everybody is very angry about, I can tell you, from the Republican side [Fox News Goons], and I think even the independent side [Alan Dershowitz and some guy in Topeka, Kansas]. They only keep looking at us [should have lost the damn election].

So we’ll be talking about it more [I’m on the phone with Hannity right after this]. But this is the most conflicted group of people I’ve ever seen [Really choosing between following the law and swearing allegiance to me shouldn’t be all that difficult]. The Attorney General made a terrible mistake [being short and looking like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies] when he did this, and when he recused himself. Or he should have certainly let us know if he was going to recuse himself, and we would have used a — put a different Attorney General in [someone like Alan Dershowitz who knows how to suck up]. So he made what I consider to be a very terrible mistake for the country [again – me]. But you’ll figure that out.

I’ve been President now for what seems like a lengthy period of time [and let me tell you it seems even longer when you can’t even boink a porn star anymore]. We’ve done a fantastic job [we haven’t bankrupted the country – yet!]. We’ve beaten ISIS [Obama had nothing to do with that]. We have just about 100 percent of the caliphate or the land. Our economy is incredible [other than for those morons at the Kushner Company]. The stock market dropped a lot today as soon as they heard the noise of this nonsense that’s going on. It dropped a lot. It was up — way up, and then it dropped quite a bit at the end. A lot [A lot! Ask my broker. A lot!].

But that we have to go through that — we’ve had that hanging over us now from the very, very beginning [mostly because we’ve been crooked the whole way – but who isn’t?]. And yet the other side, they don’t even bother looking [except for the FBI and Congressional investigations but those are mere details]. And the other side is where there are crimes, and those crimes are obvious [someday I will actually tell you about them]. Lies, under oath, all over the place [and believe me I know about lying under oath – just wish I was better at it]. Emails that are knocked out, that are acid-washed and deleted. Nobody has ever seen — 33,000 emails are deleted after getting a subpoena for Congress, and nobody bothers looking at that [attempting to steal an election pales in comparison to deleting those emails about Hillary’s dry-cleaning]. And many, many other things.

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