As has been stated by numerous legal scholars (that would be Sekulow and Guiliani), I have the absolute right (really the duty to save this Country and placate all my supporters) to PARDON myself (After all, l’etat c’est moi, n’est pas – Melania taught me that one), but why would I do that (why do I do anything?) when I have done nothing wrong (which raises the question – why would I even mention that I can pardon myself if I have done nothing wrong. Answer: to drive MSNBC and CNN crazy)? In the meantime, the never ending Witch Hunt (and again – lots of damn witches), led by 13 very Angry and Conflicted Democrats (& others) (Commies to the last man) continues into the mid-terms (my last chance at avoiding disaster)!
Melania Trump, reluctant First Lady, unveiled her signature project which will focus on improving the lives of children by stopping all forms of bullying and cyber abuse. Red thinks this is a very worthwhile and even noble attempt by the FL who despite having possibly been an illegal alien, posed naked for money, falsely claimed to speak five languages, screwed around with a rich married older man and married for money – does seem to want to set things right and maybe do some good in the world. That’s about as decent a level of praise as anyone associated with Trumph – Our Insult Comic President ™ will ever get from Red. But Melania’s speech introducing her signature program seeking to protect children was undercut by an announcement by AG Jefferson Beauregard Sessions that the U.S. will now separate any children entering the U.S. illegally from their families. So we are all about protecting children except when abusing them will pander to the GOP base. In light of that, Red felt the need to translate a small part of Melania’s speech.
Be Best is an awareness campaign dedicated to the most valuable and fragile among us (no – not my husband’s attorneys): our children (and it’s going to be way better than Michelle Obama’s “Be Better” schtick).
There is one goal: to educate children about the many issues they are facing today (like – how can I trust anything adults say when our president is lying sack of shit). If we truly listen to what our kids have to say, whether it’s their concerns (stumbling into war) or ideas, adults can provide them the support and tools (other than paying for public education or college loans) they need to grow up and be happy productive adults (Trump voters). Children deserve every opportunity to enjoy their innocence (and being put in federal custody apart from your annoying parents will be very enjoyable).
Social media is too often used in negative ways (just look down the hallway at the White House), but when children learn positive behavior early on, it can be used in productive ways (voting Republican). We have the responsibility to educate and remind (children) when they use their voices to choose their words wisely (are you paying attention Mr. Guiliani?) and speak with respect and kindness (and very impressively I didn’t once gag on a giant bag of hypocrisy while saying that).
It remains our generation’s moral imperative to take responsibility and help our children manage the many issues they are facing today, including encouraging positive social, emotional, and physical habits (voting Republican, loving Trumpism and hating the FBI). By acknowledging there are many important issues (oh, we got your issues alright), and knowing these problems cannot be solved overnight, I believe we can change the way we think and talk (because it would really be a challenge to think or talk more crudely than my husband) about issues facing children today.
TRUMP: So I just heard that they [Nazi-loving goons of my FBI] broke into the office of one of my personal attorneys — a good man [he has covered up my shit bigly for a long time now]. And it’s a disgraceful situation [in other words enforcing any law that might reflect badly on the walking human filth that is willing to work for me]. It’s a total witch hunt [Damn, I wish I wasn’t surrounded by so many witches]. I’ve been saying it for a long time. I’ve wanted to keep it down. We’ve given, I believe, over a million pages worth of documents [mostly porn] to the Special Counsel [that incredible bastard].
They continue to just go forward [like there were actual crimes being committed or something]. And here we are talking about Syria and we’re talking about a lot of serious things [like how am I going to avoid going to the pokey]. We’re the greatest fighting force ever [since the New Jersey Generals anyway]. And I have this witch hunt constantly going on for over 12 months now — and actually, much more than that. You could say it was right after I won the nomination, it started.
And it’s a disgrace. It’s, frankly, a real disgrace [and believe me I know all about disgraces – Trump University, Trump Air, Trump Wine, Trump Casinos . . . I could go on but you get the picture]. It’s an attack on our country, in a true sense [l’etat c’est moi, after all]. It’s an attack on what we all stand for [the greater glorification of me].
So when I saw this and when I heard it — I heard it like you did [because I watch 11.75 hours of Fox News everyday]— I said, that is really now on a whole new level of unfairness [meaning they are going to find a lot of shit in Cohen’s office].
So this has been going on — I saw one of the reporters, who is not necessarily a fan of mine [imagine that], not necessarily very good to me. He said, in effect, that this is ridiculous; this is now getting ridiculous [okay, I totally made that up – but prove it]. They found no collusion whatsoever with Russia. The reason they found it is there was no collusion at all. No collusion [except for the Manafort thing, the Carter Page thing, the Greek dude thing, the Don Jr. thing, the Russian Mob thing, etc. not to mention the ongoing investigation]. This is the most biased group of people [they make those racists from the Sixties that I hung out with look like N-word lovers]. These people have the biggest conflicts of interest I’ve ever seen [Yes, everyday they come to work thinking – Gosh, I really should give this up and just love Big Donald – but then their damn devotion to the rule of law gets in the way].
Democrats [Commies] all — or just about all — either Democrats or a couple of Republicans that worked for President Obama [or traitors if you will], they’re not looking at the other side [again Commies and/or Terrorist Sympathizers]; they’re not looking at the Hillary Clinton [Bitch]— the horrible things that she did [winning the popular vote and all] and all of the crimes that were committed [jaywalking]. They’re not looking at all of the things that happened that everybody is very angry about, I can tell you, from the Republican side [Fox News Goons], and I think even the independent side [Alan Dershowitz and some guy in Topeka, Kansas]. They only keep looking at us [should have lost the damn election].
So we’ll be talking about it more [I’m on the phone with Hannity right after this]. But this is the most conflicted group of people I’ve ever seen [Really choosing between following the law and swearing allegiance to me shouldn’t be all that difficult]. The Attorney General made a terrible mistake [being short and looking like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies] when he did this, and when he recused himself. Or he should have certainly let us know if he was going to recuse himself, and we would have used a — put a different Attorney General in [someone like Alan Dershowitz who knows how to suck up]. So he made what I consider to be a very terrible mistake for the country [again – me]. But you’ll figure that out.
I’ve been President now for what seems like a lengthy period of time [and let me tell you it seems even longer when you can’t even boink a porn star anymore]. We’ve done a fantastic job [we haven’t bankrupted the country – yet!]. We’ve beaten ISIS [Obama had nothing to do with that]. We have just about 100 percent of the caliphate or the land. Our economy is incredible [other than for those morons at the Kushner Company]. The stock market dropped a lot today as soon as they heard the noise of this nonsense that’s going on. It dropped a lot. It was up — way up, and then it dropped quite a bit at the end. A lot [A lot! Ask my broker. A lot!].
But that we have to go through that — we’ve had that hanging over us now from the very, very beginning [mostly because we’ve been crooked the whole way – but who isn’t?]. And yet the other side, they don’t even bother looking [except for the FBI and Congressional investigations but those are mere details]. And the other side is where there are crimes, and those crimes are obvious [someday I will actually tell you about them]. Lies, under oath, all over the place [and believe me I know about lying under oath – just wish I was better at it]. Emails that are knocked out, that are acid-washed and deleted. Nobody has ever seen — 33,000 emails are deleted after getting a subpoena for Congress, and nobody bothers looking at that [attempting to steal an election pales in comparison to deleting those emails about Hillary’s dry-cleaning]. And many, many other things.
Chuck Norris of Walker, Texas Ranger fame, has weighed in on the Jade Helm 15 “controversy.” Chuck speaks, Red translates:
Concerned Texans and Americans (Tea Party Wingnuts) are in no way calling into question our brave and courageous men and women in uniform (except to claim that they are coming to round us up and take our guns away). They are merely following orders (of the Muslim Kenyan Terrorist Sympathizer). What’s under question are those who are pulling the strings at the top of Jade Helm 15 back in Washington (that Muslim Kenyan Terrorist Sympathizer again). The U.S. government says, “It’s just a training exercise.” But I’m not sure the term “just” has any reference to reality when the government uses it. (Even Red “just” can’t figure out what the Texas Moron is “just” trying to say here).
“Well, I’m not trusting what we’re being told,” said Mike Hightower, an affable antique store owner and real-estate agent (and possible part-time conspiracy theorist) in the very small town of Smithville, Texas, (does it still bill itself as the “Heart of the Megapolis?”) where some Jade Helm 15 (Red preferred the noir classic Jade Helm 2) exercises will take place. He added, “I think there’s something a little more involved than what they’re telling us.” (okay, confirmed conspiracy theorist).
If Washington (you know who) wants to cool the embers of controversy (that we made up out of whole cloth), then it should quit stoking the fire (doing its job protecting our country), as with the posting of a map of Jade Helm 15 “just” exercises that label some areas of the country, including Texas, as “hostile,” according to KHOU 11 News in Houston and verified by the Washington Post (OMG are you really that f%#king stupid?).
I have an idea (now let’s be careful here): If the government insists on running expanded military ops (they’re really coming to take our women and children and most importantly guns) across seven Southwest states, why doesn’t it move all that “military training” south and protect our borders (keep them pesky brown skins out) at the same time?! (Red has never seen a question mark and an exclamation point used simultaneously, so this must really be important – or not!?. So there.)
Whatever Jade Helm 15 actually is (women, children, guns, etc again), I think it is more than coincidental that the FBI director just confessed in February that the presence of ISIS can be felt in all 50 states of the U.S. and that the Pentagon (Remember, I support our support our brave men and women in the military unless they happen to be in command) is suddenly running its biggest military training exercise (oops! I slipped up here and actually correctly identified Jade Helm 15 as a military training exercise – please forgive me) with every branch of the military across seven Southwestern states (rather than, for example, Kenya). Whether deterrence, display of power or something more covert or devious (okay, I’m back on track – women, children, guns, etc.), let’s not come with any patronizing nonsense of impotence and simplicity (okay, he lost Red again) when its origin is in Washington (you know, perhaps we could overlook that Muslim Kenyan Terror Sympathizer thing – if he weren’t also a gall-danged Democrat!).
I’m glad Texas Sen. Ted Cruz is asking the tough questions of the Pentagon about Jade Helm 15, (Like – why are you coming to round us up and take away our women, children and guns?) particularly because its “exercises” (it must be a lie if I put it in quotes) come too near to my ranch’s backdoor as well (Ah, now we’re getting somewhere), at least according to the map. It’s pretty sad and bad (and plaid and mad and rad) when major military ops (getting army jargon talk on us) are ordered in a large, fiery (really, we’re actually on fire most of the time in the Lone Star state) state like Texas and not even the governor or its senators know the specifics (other than the complete briefing they got from the Military who of course cannot be trusted).
It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Really big fish in a tiny barrel. You can thank Red later.