Well, President Individual 1 has been at it again. This time while speaking to our troops in Iraq. Red can’t really commend I-1 for his trip as this should have been done in the first couple of months of his presidency. But maybe it’s better late than never to visit our soldiers in the field and tell them some really big (and easily disproved) whoppers. Here are a few excerpts:
Well, first of all, at ease. At ease. Let’s have a good time (that’s usually 18 holes and a hooker or two but I know times are tough here). And we had an incredible meeting that lasted for about an hour (way past my usual attention span), and you have no idea what we’ve come up with (and neither do I). You’re going to be so happy. You’re going to be so happy (I always promise happiness because a promise of happiness makes people happy).
So Melania and I are thrilled to be here (God, I wish we were at Mar-a-Lago but those f’ing Democrats) with the extraordinary men and women of the American Armed Forces — the greatest military (now that I’m in charge anyway – before me you were a bunch of hapless losers), and — especially as we get all of this billions and billions of dollars of new equipment that I approved over (screw Congress) the last two years (I love equipment almost as much as real estate). You’re getting such new equipment, your eyes are popping, right? Your eyes are popping (I have no idea what I’m talking about but it sounds impressive). You’re getting the best equipment in the world.
The men and women stationed at Al Asad have played a vital role in the military defeat of ISIS in Iraq and in Syria (not as much as me but still). Because of these gains, our service members in Syria can now return home to their families (and hopefully rent from Trump Enterprises – in your dreams suckers). Some will come here for a stay, but a lot of them are going to be going back home, where they want to be, with their families (just stay away from me). They’ve done a fantastic job (something I know nothing about).
Originally, years ago, they came here (or so I am told – you know I was really busy losing lots of money on casinos, steaks, airlines, wine, magazines, etc.). And it was supposed to be for three to four months, and that was a long time ago (Stupid Bushes or Obama I forget which). That was many years ago. But what a job you have done. What a job they have done. I made it clear from the beginning that our mission in Syria was to strip ISIS of its military strongholds; we’re not nation building. Rebuilding Syria will require a political solution (Way above my pay grade). And it’s a solution that should be paid for by its very rich neighboring countries, not the United States. Let them pay for it. And they will. They will (Just like Mexico).
In fact, Saudi Arabia yesterday — you probably read — stepped up to the plate and has already made a commitment of substantial funds for development (Nothing is better than having other rich people pay for stuff – trust me I know what I am talking about, right Dad?). And President Erdogan of Turkey (A really cool guy who gets what he wants because there are no Democrats in Turkey) has also agreed to take out any remnants of ISIS (and if the Kurds get slaughtered well, what is a Kurd anyway? I don’t like cottage cheese), and we’ll be working with them. We’re going to be working with them.
While American might can defeat terrorist armies on the battlefield (Please don’t mention Afghanistan ever again), each nation of the world must decide for itself what kind of future it wants to build for its people, and what kind of sacrifices they are willing to make for their children (Like that $300,000 a year I was earning at age 5. Thanks again Dad.). America shouldn’t be doing the fighting for every nation on Earth not being reimbursed (It’s all about the money after all), in many cases, at all.
If they want us to do the fighting, they also have to pay a price (Money, money money)— and sometimes that’s also a monetary price (Told ya!)— so we’re not the suckers of the world (And believe me a con man like me can spot a sucker from a mile away). We’re no longer the suckers, folks (except when it comes to elections). And people aren’t looking at us as suckers (more like utter morons). And I love you folks because most of you are nodding your head this way (Damn it why aren’t they bowing down?). We’re respected again as a nation. We’re respected again (polling to the contrary be damned).
No force in history has done more for the cause of justice and peace (side benefits of protecting oil reserves and absolute monarchy). I want each and every one of you to know that we will always protect those who protect us (except when it comes to benefits and health care). You protect us. We are always going to protect you. And you just saw that because you just got one of the biggest pay raises you’ve ever received — unless you don’t want it. (Applause.) (God, they are actually eating this BS up). Does anybody here — is anybody here willing to give up the big pay raise you just got? Raise your hands, please. Ah, I don’t see too many hands. Okay, don’t give it up.
It’s great. You know what? Nobody deserves it more (except me). You haven’t gotten one in more than 10 years — more than 10 years (make it 20 it’s such BS it doesn’t really matter). And we got you a big one. I got you a big one. I got you a big one. (A bigly big one) (Applause.)
They had plenty of people that came up. They said, “You know, we could make it smaller. We could make it 3 percent. We could make it 2 percent. We could make it 4 percent.” I said, “No. Make it 10 percent (Where do I come up with this stuff?). Make it more than 10 percent.” (Or 2.6% but who’s counting?) Because it’s been a long time. It’s been more than 10 years. It’s been more than 10 years (or since last year -but again these folks clearly aren’t paying attention). That’s a long time (and I’ll be long gone before you figure it out – in typical con man fashion).