Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 7

As they round the far turn, Red was 2-4 for the week, 10 lengths off the pace, and now in a 12-18 hole for the season.  This week 6-0 for sure!  Red never says “die”  – an expression which has never made much sense to him anyway.

Notes from last week: 

At the end of the Chiefs-Patriots game, the Chiefs players were walking off the field looking like – “Yep, we can play with these guys!” The Pats were looking like “Thank god we survived that onslaught!”   Red originally predicted a Stealer/Chiefs AFC Championship game – but it is looking more and more like the Pats will be there.

The Cowboys offense just had their one good game of the season.  Meanwhile, the Jaguars have to be wondering what happened to their defense after getting smoked two weeks in a row.

The Texans were lucky to survive yet again and would be leading the AFC South but for an inexplicable loss to the sad sack Giants.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Bears over Patriots.  Given the massive turnover in rosters within 2-3 years for your average NFL team, Red puts no stock in ancient football history.  But even so the Bears have not beaten the Patriots in forever.  Actually, the Bears did win in 2000 in the pre-Brady era (it seems so long ago now) but since whipping the Pats in Superb Owl XX, the Bears are 1-7 against the Pats.  And despite misgivings, Red simply thinks the Bears are due.  They certainly are smarting after getting beat by the Dolphins and much-maligned QB Brock Osweiler.  The venom on Houston Sports Talk Radio regarding said BO two seasons later is still somewhat disconcerting – after all the guy did steer the team to one of your glorious franchise’s three ever playoff wins.  But Red digresses.  Despite last week, the Bears have a good defense and look for Khalil Mack and gang to be putting serious pressure on the timeless wonder.  The Bears score just enough points to win a close one.  Chicago 20 New England 17.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Chiefs over Bengals.  This could be the GOTWGOTW but Red is a little tired of hyping the Andy Reid Hour starring Patrick Mahomes and featuring Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce.  It’s the hit series of the Fall so far.  And the Chiefs get another Sunday night slot to show the NFL exactly how explosive this offense really is.  Bengals are still the big surprise of the season so far – notwithstanding the inexplicable breakdown against the Stealers last week.  No breakdowns needed this week.  Mahomes is back on again because if he isn’t throwing four TDs a game it’s an off week.  Red Rifle and crew make a valiant effort to keep up against a Chiefs defense that has yet to learn the valuable art of tackling.  Kansas City 45 Cincinnati 39.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Jaguars over Texans.  Texans have done yeomanlike work in getting back to 3-3 after a pathetic start.  But yeomanlike probably doesn’t get it against a Jaguars defense that is either confused and lost or angry and looking to get even.  Red is betting on the latter this week and woe be to Deshaun Watson if Red is right.  He will not last the season at the rate Bill O’ Clown is using up his nine lives.  If Red were running the show, he would write this one off and sacrifice Brandon Weeden to the lions (or their close cousins) this week.  The Texans have seven winnable games on the schedule after this one before closing with tough matchups against the Eagles and Jags again.  That could put you at 9-7 which might win the division or 10-6 which almost certainly will.  Think about it Billy.  The Texans might even be able to win with Weeden if Blake Bortles is not having one of his five weeks of the season where he actually resembles a real NFL quarterback.  Red just hopes that Watson makes it through in one piece.  Jacksonville 24 Houston 16.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Ravens over Saints.  The irresistible force meets the unmovable object here.  That’s a problem Red could never solve and does not make for exciting football.  Ravens defense wins the day. It’s close but not exciting.  Baltimore 17 New Orleans 16.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chargers over Titans.  Some think that the Chargers have the nads to compete with the Chiefs and win the AFC West.  Some still believe in Santa Claus.  Don’t get Red wrong, the Chargers are good – especially for a team with no home field advantage and 37 fans on a good Sunday.  It’s just kind of sad that great careers like those of Phillip Rivers and LaDanian Tomlinson went to the Chargers to die.  But this week the possibility of glory is still alive because just right now the Titans are pathetic.  Marcus M. was sacked 11 times last week – Yep, 11 times!  All this while completing a mere 10 passes.  So while the Chargers really don’t need a triple time zone reverse hillbilly factor hex this week over a sadly inept Titans’ offense, it sure won’t hurt.  This will be a good old fashioned butt-whipping.  Los Angeles 42 Tennessee 10.

This Week’s Shit Bowl –    There is a plethora of choices this week’s excruciating excrement exhibition.  Just to let you in on a little of the Inside Baseball that goes on here at ParadiseinHell.net, the Shit Bowl is typically awarded to the teams with the most combined losses – unless of course there is a team of historic ineptitude (typically in past years the Browns) playing a team with a decent record.  So if the 0-15 Browns are playing a 10-5 Ravens team, the 20 losses might not qualify the game for the Shit Bowl if there are two “going-nowhere in a hurry” 6-9 teams butting heads.  This early in the season that is not usually a problem.  But this week we have three matchups between teams with a combined 9 losses.  Bills/Colts, Broncos/Cardinals and Giants/Falcons.  A veritable brown feast of ineptitude.  So just for you Red is calling all three.  Bills should have won last week and do so this week against a horrible Colts outfit.  Broncos are bad but good enough to beat a team so bad that even Sam Bradford can’t hold down a job.  And while the Falcons seemed to have joined the Flat Earth Society and fallen off the edge, they should be able to beat a Giants franchise clinging to its last shreds of dignity.  But please, please put away all the painkillers before you sit down to watch this parade of football futility lest ye be tempted to put an end to it all before halftime.  Bills 24 Colts 19. Broncos 9 Cardinals 6 and Falcons 42 Giants 21. 

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