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Red’s NFL Picks Wild Card Weekend

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But first – a recap of Red’s playoff picks from the beginning of the season.

In the AFC – Red had Titans, Chiefs, Ravens and Patriots as division champs with the Chargers and Browns getting wild card spots.  So 4 out of 6 actually made the playoffs and the Titans had a shot at division crown until week 16.   Not bad, but the picks of the Chargers and Browns look comical now.  Red should have known better with the Chargers as they always disappoint him and play 16 road games.  The Browns – fool Red twice, shame on Red.

In the NFC – Red had the Cardinals, Bears, Eagles and Saints as division winners with the Packers and Seahawks as wild cards.  Again 4 out of 6 make the playoffs, but Red’s division winner picks were more than a little lame.  Red really believed in Kliff Kingsbury and the Kardinals (sounds like a 60’s British invasion group) but should have known better and Da Bears’ season went down the tubes in week one with an awful loss to Green Bay in an awful start to NFL’s 100th season.

Wild Card Weekend Picks

Texans over Bills –  Having a defensive end  playing at quarterback presents challenges for any defense.   Josh Allen will prevail on almost any [insert down here] and short situation.  His running ability allows the Bills to set up in multiple, interesting formations (like the Wing-T and somewhere Billy Kilmer is smiling). And he can be an effective passer at times. The Texans need to worry less about pass rush and concentrate on tight coverage to force Allen to make tough throws into coverage.  This will be a challenge since Romeo Cremel’s defensive scheme seems oddly designed to allow a variety of receivers to run openly and freely through the Texans’ secondary.  Which means this game probably comes down to the Texans’ offense putting enough points on the board to make up for what has become a Shit Bowl quality defense.  If Fulller V is healthy it probably all works out.  If not, . . .   Houston 31  Orchard Park 27.

Titans over Patriots –  A guy can dream can’t he.  The Pats looked disorganized and sad in the final game loss to the Dolphins (led by the redoubtable R. Fitzpatpick).  The Titans have looked very respectable since ditching Red’s one time favorite M. Mariota for one of the most amazing quarterbacks in NFL history – Ryan Tannehill.   Here is a guy who couldn’t solidify a spot as quarterback at Texas A&M until his senior season.  He had a decent season – but not good enough to keep the respected Mike Sherman from getting axed.  Then he more or less stumbled around in Miami for 6 seasons having a winning record in games started one time (8-5 in 2016) before catching something in a bottle this season to lead the Titans to a 7-3 record over the last 10 games of the season.  Is this a guy who has finally found the formula (i.e. play with the NFL’s leading rusher in Derrick Henry) or is this a one season wonder?  Who knows, Red sure doesn’t.  The aforementioned Mr. Henry presents a huge problem for any defense and then combined with possibly emerging superstar A.J. Brown making huge play after huge play at WR, the Titans offense can play with anybody – except maybe the Pats truly outstanding defense.  Meanwhile in the huddle, the Pats offense continues to unimpress.  TB 12 has looked tired and old much of the season and has been bailed out by Pats defense repeatedly this season. When facing the weak sisters, the Pats offense has looked completely respectable in dispatching the lame and infirm.  Against playoff teams, the Pats offense has put up 16, 20, 17, 22, 16 and 24.  Of course, that has been enough to go 3-3 beating the Bills twice and the then floundering Eagles.  By Red’s reckoning that means the Titans are at least a 50/50 shot to win.  The naysayers will remind Red that the Titans (then Oilers) have not won in Foxboro since 2003.  Red says BFD.  Tennessee 20  New England 19 

Seahawks over Eagles  –  This is the toughest call of the week.  At reasonably full strength, Red could see this game going either way and might lean towards the Eagles at home.  But the Eagles are so beat up right now, that it tips slightly towards Pete the Cheat’s crew.  Red would like to see Carson Wentz actually win a playoff game for his team, but when down to the wire, he would bet on R. Wilson.  Seattle 24 Philadelphia 20 

Saints over Vikings  –  Saints are out for revenge and it doesn’t matter who is in their way.  This week it is the unfortunate Vikings – the team that Red believes is most undeserving of the playoffs.  The Vikings beat one playoff team all season (the then floundering Eagles – is there a pattern here?).  Other than that, they did not beat a team with a winning record all season.  Yes, they were close in games against the Packers,  Chiefs and Seahawks (losing all by one score or less), but those are the proving ground games and the Vikings are unproven to date.  The Saints meanwhile have had trouble in games that they are supposed to win (remember the loss to the 7-9 division winning Seahawks in 2010).  Curiously, the Vikings have been the Saints most frequent playoff opponent with 4 matchups beginning with the Saints first ever playoff appearance in 1987.   And the Saints are 1-3 versus the Vikings having beaten them only in the 2009 Superb Owl winning season in the NFC championship game.  The Saints are loaded on offense but depend entirely too much on M. Thomas (an amazing 149 receptions for 1725 yards!!!!).  They need Cook and Ginn to take some of the load and Kamara to have a decent game.  The Vikings have Diggs and Cooks and some other guys including the overrated Kirk Cousins.  Red will take Drew Brees in his closing window of opportunity for at least one more week.  New Orleans 35 Minnesota 20. 

Red’s 2019 NFL Predictions – AFC East

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Since Red is making NFL predictions, he is technically obligated to pick a winner in the AFC East. For 16 of the last 18 seasons, that has not exactly been a particularly taxing chore. Here goes again – Damn it.

New England Patriots – Almost every year, Red writes, “It is cowardly and spineless to pick New England year after year. And Red will keep doing it until he is proved wrong. (Hey, this is about the point Red has trouble coming up with new material – so excuse me).” (Hey, this is about the point where Red has trouble coming up with new material – so buzz off). Barring catastrophic injury to TB-12 or early onset of dementia or the possibility of Trump taking a Sharpie and making a mess of Bellicheat’s game plan, the Pats should ride into the playoffs. But it won’t be quite as comfortable a ride as usual because go-to target Rob Gronkowski will be celebrating his new physique somewhere other than the friendly confines of Insert Corporate Name Here Stadium. Every other team in the division will be better than last season, but not better enough. As always, Red hopes that he is wrong and the loyal readers can shout from the hilltops, “Red, you were cowardly and spineless to pick New England yet again.” But Red doesn’t hear the fat lady warming up yet. New England slogs to a 10-6 record but still repeats as division champ.

Buffalo Bills – The Bills have made improvements on offense shoring up the O-line with five signings. They give LeSean McCoy a new lease on life and provide some breathing room for second year QB Josh Allen – who got way too much OJT last season. The Bills actually played decently after a 2-7 start. If they can keep that pace a winning record will be in sight. The defense is solid, the return game could be interesting and if you haven’t read about Stephen Hauscha’s back story and rise from kicker for the Middlebury College Panthers who play in the NESCAC, then you are missing out. It’s quite a story. Look it up. At any rate, he is the tallest kicker in the league. Buffalo bulls its way to a 9-7 record and as for the playoffs – hmmm.

New York Jets – After a 1-9 finish to the 2018 season, a real house cleaning was in order with a new head coach, new offensive and defensive coordinators and the hopefully fresh legs of LeVeon Bell who sat out last season and middle-of-the-pack wideout Jamison Crowder. Darn Old Sam is still the QB and that is the biggest limitation on the Jets prospects this season. Although the house may be clean, the hedges still need trimming and there are a lot of weeds in the backyard. And when you are getting your new head coach from the Miami Dolphins – well you are getting new head coach that was fired from the Miami Dolphins. Let Red repeat – Fired by the Miami Dolphins. At least the Jets finish ahead of the Dolphins but 6-10 is the ceiling here.

Miami Dolphins – Tanks to their many off-season moves, it looks like a long season for the Aquatic Mammals. Expect a lot of dive plays from the offense. Red is disgusted and must quit now.  Oh, did Red say that every team in the AFC East will be better?  He meant every team that is actually trying to field a team. Someone has to suck and its Miami at 1-15.

Red’s 2019 NFL Predictions – NFC West

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This division seems like the easiest of calls in 2019. That is exactly what worries Red. So here he is calling for the biggest upset of 2019. Overall this division probably has the toughest schedule with games against the loaded NFC South and the AFC North.  Fasten your seat belts.
Arizona Cardinals – Every season one team rises from the dung heap and makes the playoffs. This season it just might be the Cardinals. New coach Kliff Kingsbury’s Air Raid offensive scheme is going to catch some offguard early in the season. It may not work over the long haul, but it just might work for one season. He has the guns to do it with Kyler Murray throwing to possession receiver and ageless wonder Larry Fitzgerald and deep threat Christian Kirk – not to mention KK’s Red Raider buddy and still effective Michael Crabtree. A refreshed David Johnson rounds out the offense The Cards start 3-0 with wins over the Lions, Ravens and Panthers. They are 6-2 and the talk of the league at mid-season. Then they rip off another 3-4 wins before the challenging back to back roadies in Seattle and LA to end the season. If the Cards can win one of those they clinch a hard fought division title. You read it here first Cardinals go 10-6 and win the West.
Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks are another team that Red frequently discounts frequently to his disadvantage in this prediction game. Red’s visceral dislike of Pete the Cheat has overwhelmed his judgment at times. The offensive line is very good and will make R. Penny look like the second coming of Walter Payton at times this season. Russell Wilson could use some more help from the receiving corps but as long as he is under center, the Seahawks offense is more than capable of scoring just enough points to win close games. The defense isn’t exactly the Son of the Legion of Boom, but it is more than adequate to keep the Hawks in most games. Seattle probably makes the playoffs at 10-6 but loses the division title on a tie-breaker with the Cards.

Los Angeles Rams – Despite putting on the worst Superb Owl performance since the Vikings in the 1970s or the Patriots in the 1985 (those were the days), the Rams would have to be considered the favorites in the NFC West. But Red has to pick at least one upset. Red thinks the Rams are going to have that all too familiar Superb Owl hangover that befalls teams that performed as poorly as the Rams did in the Big Show (may Red refer you to the Falcons here). The Sean McVay miracle lasts but two seasons. More importantly, the Rams play a tough schedule. An 0-3 start is not out of the question with games on the road in Carolina and Cleveland and the revenge-seeking Saints at home. At some point in the season Todd Gurley is going to out of action. If it comes at the worst time, then the Rams will also rack up losses to the Stealers, Bears and Ravens for another 0-3 stretch. After losing to the Cowboys on the road, the season is all but over and the Cardinals put a bullet between the horns in the season finale. Disappointment reigns in Los Angeles as the Rams slog to a 7-9 finish.

San Francisco 49ers – The Niners will be better. Unfortunately for them better is still not very good  But fear not, better days are on the way – if you have a time machine that will take you back to the 1980’s.  San Francisco brings up the rear at 6-10.

Red’s 2019 NFL Picks – NFC South

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The NFC South has a chance at being the premier division in the NFL in 2019. The Saints, Panthers and Falcons all could make the playoffs and the Buccaneers are not totally shabby – although still pretty shabby. It’s likely that only two are playing in January.
New Orleans Saints – Red has given the Saints short shrift for years thinking that tired old Drew Brees would actually become tired and old. Spoiler alert: it hasn’t happened yet. They tell Red, that there is nothing like attending a Saints game in person and Red believes it after having just been in New Orleans on a Sunday afternoon game day and seeing a plethora of gold lame miniskirts together with Saints jersey, caps, hoodies, sweats, dinner jackets and every other possible combination of black and gold being proudly worn by all. It just kind of makes a body want to root for the Saints because there will be so much happiness (and excessive drinking – not that there won’t be excessive drinking in N’Awlins anyway). So despite departures Mark Ingram, Ben Watson, Alex Okafor et al, with Brees, Kamar, Thomas and others will be trying hard to erase the sting of getting screwed in the NFL Championship game when Rams’ cornerback Nickell Robey-Coleman pretty much tackled Saints receiver TommyLee Lewis on what could have been the game winning play. And to the dread of many (but not Red) that one play brought about a rules change for 2019. Rule 6c states: “For one year only, expands the reviewable plays in Instant Replay to include pass interference, called or not called on the field.” Somewhere Mike Renfro is smiling. The Saints will be not happy with anything short of a Superb Owl appearance. New Orleans wins division at 11-5.

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons have been slip sliding away (with apologies to P. Simon) since blowing a 28-3 lead in SB LI missing the playoffs altogether after a wretched 2018 campaign. Fortunately for the F Troop, all of their tough non-division games are at home (Rams, Eagles and Seahawks) and feature two triple inverse time zone hexes. They do play two non-division 2018 playoff teams on the road (Colts and Texans) but come on (see Red’s AFC South Picks later). There is enough talent on the offensive side to put up points with Matty Ice, Julio and Davonte and others. And with Dan Quinn taking over as DC, expect the Falcons defense to step it up as well. Unfortunately for the Falcons, they have to play in the same division as the Saints. Atlanta 9-7 and a possible wild card spot.
Carolina Panthers – After another disappointing 7-9 season (after a 6-2 start oops), HC Ron Rivera will be coaching like a man on a hot seat having taken a big shit and realizing that there is no toilet paper. In other words, he will pull out all stops to post a winning record in 2019. A word of advice: don’t delve too deeply into Red’s analogies. RR’s hopes rest on the surgically repaired shoulder of Cam Newton and the dual threat of All Pro Christian McCaffrey. The loss of the Kalil brothers will hurt the O line, but Rookie Greg Little and new center Matt Paradis shore things up. On defense, signing pass rusher Bruce Irvin and drafting some linebackers should help. But not quite enough. Carolina goes 9-7 and misses out on a tiebreaker.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Red was high on Jameis Winston at one point. Apparently that’s not all Red was high on. With an almost record setting turnover pace at Head Coach (5 in the 10 years since Jon Gruden left), the Bucs have made exactly zero playoff appearances in the last decade. And now un-retired broadcaster and new Head Coach Bruce Arians gets to extend that streak. Enough said. Tampa Bay sucks gas and finishes 6-10.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 17

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It’s wrong to have to be picking for 17 weeks (Yes, Red knows he missed a couple of weeks – so sue him!).  But it gives Red one last chance to pull a winning record out of his deflated Champ.  Red was 2-4 last week – meaning that he is 38-44 for the year and if he hits on all 6 this week – perfect mediocrity – which has kind of been Red’s life plan all along.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Titans over Colts.  Not much doubt about the TGOTWGOTW this week.  Titans and Colts face off in the first playoff game of the season.  Winner gets the last Wildcard spot and loser goes home.  When all the chips are on the table, Red looks to defense and running game and home field.  Here the Titans are 3-0.  Yes, the Colts have a much better overall offense, but the Titans defense is just enough better and their running game is for real.  Throw in a raucous crowd getting ready for New Year’s in Music City and Red is going with the Titans – but in a squeaker.   Tennessee 19 Indianapolis 16.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Bears over Vikings.  As noted, the Bears really don’t have to score many points to win right now.  And with two top rated defenses and a playoff berth possibly on the line for the Vikings, expect a tight low-scoring contest decided by an extra point, safety or field goal.  And these two just might get to do it over again next week in Chicago if the Eagles falter.  Chicago 17 Minnesota 14.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Jaguars.  Texans need a win for a chance at a critical first round bye and home game in the divisional round – two things they have never achieved.  Of course, they need help from the Patriots – and good luck there.  The Jaguars have a decent shot at the 2018 Dead Man of the Year Award as a collective.  They entered the season with high apple pie in the sky hopes and instead got a shaving cream pie in the face from the get go.  Texans resurrected their season but fell apart late against the Eagles to most likely dash hopes of first round bye last week.  The cracks in the Texans offense are evident.  Watson holds the ball too long, he has one reliable receiver and the running game comes and goes.  The Jags are playing for pride and could be dangerous despite their pathetic excuse for an offense. If the Texans can’t score enough points to beat the Jags, then expect a quick exit from the playoffs.  Only the whole season is riding on this one.  Houston 28 Jacksonville 16.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week –  Bengals over Stealers.  Bengals put an end to season of disappointment and misery for both teams.  Both of these teams were legitimate playoff contenders if things broke right.  Needless to say they didn’t.  Cincinnati 17 Pittsburgh 14.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chiefs over Raiders.  There are always slim pickings in this category with Week 17 matchups featuring exclusively divisional rivalries.  Hardly any teams are out of their time zone.  Raiders have shown signs of life lately and conversely, the Chiefs are not the juggernaut of September and October.   Still the Chiefs have a lot on the line with a home field advantage throughout the playoffs on the line.  Mahomes has been the man all season and he closes out his MVP year with a spectacular performance this week.  Red calls for 5 TDs, one sack and a possible rushing touchdown.  All the crew joins in – except for the defense which as usual sucks.  Kansas City 48 Oakland 35.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Falcons over Buccaneers.  Nineteen collective losses earns these two NFC chumps a spot in the final Shit Bowl.  Red had the Falcons playing for a championship and cannot figure out what exactly went wrong except that the Falcons have trouble putting together a decent season more than once about every five years.  The Buccaneers were a disaster waiting to happen that kept the masses entertained for a while with Fitzpatrick’s miraculous month.  Red cautions the foolish few who might actually watch this one to put away that brand new Walther PPK you got for Christmas from weird Uncle Al lest ye be tempted to attempt some target practice on that big 64 incher that Mrs. _______ put in your mancave as a surprise during the third quarter of this turgid turd tussle.  Atlanta 27 Tampa Bay 13.

Your Bonus If Red Can go 7-0 and Post a Winning Record He’ll Be Really Happy Pick of the Week –  Browns over Ravens.  The Browns deserve a winning season and the Ravens deserve to go home.  Enough said.  Cleveland 28 Baltimore 3.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 13

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Well old Uncle Red was out of pocket last week and had to skip Week 12 of the NFL season.  For Week 11, Red was 2-4 bringing his season total to an underwhelming 26-31.  Mama told me there would be seasons like these. Week 13 for sure.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Vikings over Patriots.  In the 13th ever game between these two franchises from the 1960s, the Vikings can post their first win since September of 2000.  And while Red has shoes older than that (two pairs of Cowboy boots actually), many of the citizens of our fair land have never seen the Purple Hoard beat down the New Millennial Franchise of Excellence.  Yes, Red has been down this road of picking against the Pats before and is usually the sorrier for it.  But he called the Titans win a few weeks back and just has a feeling about this one.  It’s that stingy 93 rushing yards per game that the Vikings defense has been giving up.  And face it, while most credit Brady and the passing game for the offensive success of the Pats, it has been Bellicheat’s ability to create running room for a rotating cast of otherwise mediocre running backs that makes his offense go.  If the Vikes shut down the run, they have a chance to get another leg up on the first NFC Wildcard spot.  Maybe a small chance.  Minnesota 23 New England 21. 

Your National TV Game of the Week – Saints over Cowboys.  If the Cowboys can beat the Saints, Red will eat his Stetson Cattleman which he bought on impulse and has rarely worn – so at least it will be fresh.  The Saints are the best team in the NFL right now.  It would be a huge upset for the Boys to win this one even with dashing phenom Amari Cooper.  Look for the Saints to manhandle Cooper with double teams and dare the Cowboys to beat them with Dak and Zeke and the rest of the gang.  The Saints are averaging 16 points more per game than the Cowboys.  Red just doesn’t see the Boys being able to keep up with the Black and Gold through four quarters.   New Orleans 39 Arlington 21. 

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Browns.  Well if ever a team was primed for a letdown against a mediocre opponent, it would be the Texans coming in on an 8 game win streak and a victory over a Titans team that seemed to be righting the ship.  But then again these are the Browns – and even the recently resurgent Browns are unlikely to pull off an upset on the road against a team playing reasonably well.  The Texans real weakness has been in scoring with a measly 4 rushing touchdowns this season.  They cannot keep up with any high scoring offenses and fortunately have not played any of those (except perhaps the Patriots in Week 1).  The Browns should have about a 6-4 record but for repeated “screwings” at the hands of the refs.  So they are not to be taken lightly.  This one will be close and perhaps ugly.  Texans’ fans will take ugly any day since they have been fed a steady diet of same for going on 17 years now.  Houston 19 Cleveland 13.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Eagles over Redskins.  If Red is right about the Cowboys, this will make for a giant scramble in the NFC East down the stretch with three teams at 6-6 with four games to play (Note: Pete Rozelle is laughing from high above).  So while that would not be a disappointing result for purely comic reasons – this is your DGOTW because everything about the NFC East is disappointing this season.  Mediocrity reigns supreme.  Philadelphia 32 Landover, MD 25.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chargers over Stealers.  Whoever wins this one closes in on a playoff spot.  So – big game for both teams who have been playing well – although Red wonders how the Stealers managed to lose to the Broncos last week (oh yeah, four turnovers including a fumble out the back of the end zone on what should have been a scoring play will do it).  Chargers are able to overcome the triple time zone hex coming in off the bye week – unless the temperature is below freezing with blowing snow.  Right now the prognosticators are calling for temperatures in the 40’s with light rain.  Lovely but not enough to slow down a powerhouse Charger team that has played all of its games on the road (more or less) this season.  Los Angeles 42 Pittsburgh 29.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Packers over Cardinals.  One might speculate that the Packers will eventually win another game.  One might also have bought GE Stock earlier this year.  Their middle of the Pack (okay – pun intended) ratings on offense and defense should have them positioned for at least a decent shot at a playoff berth with 5 games to play.  But having managed to lose some winnable games – now they are chasing the 6-5 OTNAs, Cowboys, Panthers and Seahawks and the technically in first for a NFC Wildcard spot Vikings at 6-4-1.   In sports lingo that is known as a “veritable shitload of teams” to go through.  Meanwhile in the desert southwest, the Cardinals are going through a nightmare of a season having basically been run out of the stadium by most of their opponents – topped off with a loss to the Raiders – the NFL equivalent of having your alcoholic uncle turn down your present of a bottle of hootch.  The 15 combined losses of these two venerable franchises lands them squarely in this week’s SB.  As far as Red can remember, this will be A. Rodgers first ever SB appearance.  That alone might make it palatable enough so that you need not put away all the rat poison lest ye be tempted to add a heaping tablespoon to your Margarita mix while watching this terrible turd tussle.  Green Bay 21 Arizona 13.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 11

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Well Red was 3-3 for the week and running in place at 24-27 for the week.  Red will not bet against the Saints again.  He did call the Titans upset over the Patriots – so take that.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Chiefs over Rams.  Well sometimes it just speaks for itself.  This one needs no hype.  Two 9-1 teams (with both losses having come against stiff competition) roll into Estadio Azteca on del noche del proximo Lunes for this mid-season AFC/NFC marquee showdown.  The winner gets bragging rights and an inside track to a top playoff seed (the Rams need some help in that regard).  Red isn’t sure when there last was an AFC/NFC matchup of this caliber this late in the season.  These are the two top scoring offenses in the league and unless the turf in Mexico City is just awful, the Mexican faithful can expect a fireworks show extraordinaire.  Yes, Red knows that sometimes this turns into a tight defensive struggle, but he just can’t see it here with all the weapons that Mahomes and Goff have at their disposal guiding by two coaches who do not believe in holding their fire.  This could last a while so load up on the guacamole and nachos and enjoy the fiesta.  Red sticks with his Superb Owl favorite in this one.  Kansas City 48 Los Angeles 40.  Update:  Game moved to LA – Red sticks with his original call.

Your National TV Game of the Week –  Bears over Vikings.  Sunday night is overshadowed by the explosive Monday night game between the Chiefs and Rams.  Still this is a good matchup between two teams fighting for the NFC North lead going into the home stretch.  Although Red doesn’t see either of these teams factoring two much into the playoffs, this is still a big game that could decide this division.  Definitely worth watching and please God – let there be snow on Sunday night in the Windy City.  Red is ready for an old fashioned blizzard game.  Alas, there is a chance for light snow on Saturday.  Chicago 17 Minnesota 14.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Packers over Seahawks.  The 4-5 Seahawks seem to be appearing in a lot of Your DGOTW’s this season – and rightfully so.  The only question Red has is – why no one seems to talk about a “hot seat” for Pete the Cheat.  Maybe if he loses this one, the old rocking chair will be at least tepid.  Meanwhile, the Packers at 4-4-1 are the very picture of disappointment.  Ennui reigns this week as the winner keeps slim playoff hopes alive while the loser looks into the abyss of six more meaningless weeks of pain.  Green Bay 24 Seattle 17.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over OTNAs.  Even if Red believed in Alex Smith, Adrian Peterson and the rest of the OTNA crew, he could never pick them to win this game or almost any game that wasn’t against the Cowboys.  Yes the OTNAs are one of the biggest surprises of the year coming into this game at 6-3 leading the NFC East.  But keep in mind that the OTNAs have scored exactly 176 points this season (that’s less than half of what the Chiefs have totaled) and given up 175.  Talk about your smoke and mirrors!   And what is truly amazing is that the OTNAs have scored fewer points than any team in the pathetic excuse for a professional football division (“PEFPFD”) that is the NFC East.  Yes the Giants have scored more points (well one more point) than the OTNA’s.  On the other hand, the Texans have to be the biggest in-season resurrection surprise so far.  From 0-3 to 6-3 is no easy feat even against mediocre competition.  Red thinks the Texans resurgent defense keeps this one close enough for the Texans to eke out a win on the road.  Braves take the wrong warpath and end up in Delaware.  Houston 24 Landover, MD 19.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – on Hiatus – Your Kick Ass Game of the Week – Falcons over Cowboys.  This is the game most likely to turn into the dreaded field goal fest of yore.  Atlanta 18 Arlington 9.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Cardinals over Raiders.  Well folks, it doesn’t get any smellier than this one.  In fact, the fumes from this one are already driving Red to distraction and away from the old keyboard.  Red thinks you will be entirely justified in unloading two shells from your Browning Superposed 20 gauge into the old 54 incher before halftime of this beastly BM battle.  Even the emaciated and staggering ghost of Dead Al Davis can no longer complain at this point.  The Gruden Raiders are a joke.  Just make sure the wife and kids are off at the movies.  Arizona 10 Oakland 0.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 10

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The Red train may have finally left the station in Week 9.  Uncle Red was 5-1 for the week bringing the season tally to an almost respectable 21-23 – “almost” being the operative word there.  But for foolishly believing that the Raiders might win another game, Red would have been 6-0.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Bengals over Saints.  Red called the Saints big win over the Rams last week.  There is absolutely no reason to believe that the Bengals can beat the Saints.  Red is playing the coming off the bye week team vs. the team with incredibly exciting emotional victory card this week.  Bengals have the offense firepower to hang with the Saints (on a good day).  The real question is can the Bengals hold the Saints to less than 30 points.  Red is stretching here – but you gotta call a few upsets to have any fun at this game.  Cincinnati 29 New Orleans 28.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Eagles over Cowboys.  When the Cowboys score 20 or more points they win.  Unfortunately for the Cowboy faithful, that just doesn’t happen very much and not against decent teams (the Jaguars were thought to be decent at the time but shit happens).   If the Eagles cannot score at least 28 points they do not deserve to win, but scoring 20 probably wins this one anyway.  The arrival of Amari Cooper cannot possibly hurt and the Dakster must be relieved to have an actual wide receiver on the team.  But even the talented Cooper cannot invigorate the anemic an inept passing scheme of soon to be Ex-Head Coach Jason Garrett (you heard it first here – and everywhere else anyone comments about the NFL).   A loss this week, may force JJ to act now before the season slips further away.  Adios Jason.  Philadelphia 42 Arlington 17.

Your National TV Game of the Week –   Stealers over Panthers.  Wow! A Thursday night game that doesn’t suck – will wonders never cease.   This is a matchup between two teams with legitimate playoff aspirations who are both 4-1 over the last five games.  How did that happen? The scheduling geniuses at NFL headquarters can’t always get it right. So after spending a late night on Tuesday wondering if the wave is going to be red, blue or purple – prepare for another late night of actual entertaining professional football.  Stealers have to shut down Panthers’ powerhouse running game to win this one and exploit a mediocre pass defense to win this one.  They do just enough of that on Thursday to eke out win.  Pittsburgh 27 Carolina 25.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Rams over Seahawks.  Red admits that it’s a bit hard to call this one disappointing – unless you are a Seahawks’ fan and then your disappointment cup runneth over.  Last season the Rams were up and coming and in the second game of the division rivals the Seahawks still had a chance at the playoffs but were effectively eliminated with a 42-7 ass-whomping that still hurts.  This season the first matchup was a close Rams victory signaling that the Rams have arrived to take their place among the league’s elite  – while the Seahawks are stuck in neutral and looking for a Wildcard shot at best to eke into the playoffs.  So what once looked like a decent rivalry has quickly changed into Rams dominance in a division that the Seahawks more or less owned for the best part of the Teens.  The Rams do need to shake off the tough loss in New Orleans on Sunday and get back to business of winning a first round bye.  Los Angeles 37 Seattle 17.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – 49ers over Giants.  This game pulls double duty as an especially stinky Shit Bowl and this week’s Time Zone Hex Game of the Week.  Giants travel three time zones west to drop a giant turd on the West Coast.  Other than the now seemingly inexplicable win over the Texans, the Giants have found a way to lose blow outs and close games with aplomb and seem likely headed for 1-15 record unless they can beat the Cowboys in the season finale.  Red predicts that if the Cowboys need that game to make the playoffs (which seems unlikely at best right now), the Giants will find a way to win.  Meanwhile, the Niners ship seems to have at least stopped taking on water and may have found a credible replacement QB in Nick Mullins after C.J. Beathard got beat hard.  Yes, there are the two unseemly losses to the Cardinals, but have lost to the Chiefs, Chargers, Packers and Rams is not completely embarrassing.  The Niners may be the turnaround team of the second half (like the Chargers last season).  So you may not need to secure all of the various weapons in the house before sitting down to this excruciating excrement exhibition because the Niners may be worth watching for the next 8 weeks.  Santa Clara 35 New Jersey 10.

Your Bonus – Upset Game of the Week – Titans over Patriots.  A guy can dream can’t he?  Actually, every season one team with absolutely no business winning a game somehow manages to more or less stomp their betters into the ground.  Now this almost never happens to the Pats, but look at it this way – they are overdue.  The Titans completely pathetic offensive attack catches the Pats by surprise this week. Red can already feel the wave of shame and regret that comes with this pick.   Tennessee 34 New England 21. 

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 9

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Red was unavoidably called to other duty and had to skip Week 8.  Normally Red only allows himself one ‘bye’ week, but sometimes life gets in the way.

So for Week 7, Red actually picked 8 games with a bonus 3 game Shit Bowl selection. Red managed to eke out a 4-4 record after having foolishly bet against the Patriots and non so foolishly the Texans and the Colts.  That makes Red 16-22 for the season.  Don’t head to Vegas just yet.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Chargers over Seahawks.  Two teams enter.  One team leaves.  Well, both teams leave.  But only one team leaves feeling good about its prospects going into the second half of the season.  In a common theme this week, the Chargers only losses are to the Rams and Chiefs which puts them in good company.  Other than that they have beaten the weaklings (Browns, Raiders, Niners, Bills) and not very convincingly (with the exception of the beat down on the Browns).  So is this a good team, or one looking for a place to fall?  The Seahawks are more of a mixed bag with a fairly lame offense and the standard loss to the Rams.  So this is your typical mid-season battle between two wannabe teams that need a win to stay competitive in their respective divisions which are headed by the two first-half powerhouses of the league.  That’s what makes this one the GOTW.  Enjoy the fireworks.  Los Angeles 34 Seattle 28.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Broncos.  The additions of Demaryius Thomas helps assuage the loss of Will Fuller V for the season but we all knew that was going to happen at some point.  Unfortunately, the very talented Mr. Fuller cannot avoid the annual season-ending injury.  On another note, just call Red gob-smacked that the Texans have managed to win five in a row after starting 0-3 with losses to the sad sack Giants and Titans.  Meanwhile in the Mile High State, the Broncos have played a relatively tough schedule reasonably well.  The losses to the Chiefs, Rams and Chiefs again are totally understandable.  But other than the season opener against the Seahawks they have yet to beat a good team – and calling the Seahawks a good team is a bet of stretch right now.  Calling the Texans a good team is likewise premature, but a win on the road and a 6-3 record speaks for itself.  If that happens.  Red won’t be surprised at the outcome either way, but slightly favors the Texans coming off a long rest week.  Houston 24 Denver 20.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Patriots over Packers.  Red has bet against the Patriots one too many times this season.  He sees no reason to think that the Packers can stroll into Foxboro and beat a team that has a certain game plan, never panics and doesn’t make many mistakes.  In fact, it is hard to fathom exactly how the Pats have lost two games – to the Jaguars and Lions no less.  Meanwhile a 3-3-1 record is not going over well with the Packers patrons.  And 3-4-1 will be even less palatable at the half-way point of what appears to be another lost season.  Well at least you might not have Scott Walker to kick around anymore.  New England 31 Green Bay 20.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Stealers over Ravens.  There was a point in time when this was a game to look forward to.  Alas, no more.  Mediocrity reigns in the AFC Central and both teams exemplify mediocrity at the half pole.  Watch if you must, but don’t say Red didn’t warn you.  Pittsburgh 28 Baltimore 17.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week  – Saints over Rams.  This really should be the GOTW GOTW but it was the only game this week featuring a team (Rams) to play at least two time zones away.  Anyway, few teams make it through the season unscathed.   The Rams sit at 8-0 by virtue of blowing out the weak sisters (Raiders, Niners, Cardinals) and scoring just enough to beat the better teams by no more than one score (Packers, Broncos, Seahawks, Vikings).  The 3 wins against the lamest of the lame were by a total of 83 points.  In contrast the 4 wins over real competition were by a total of 14 points.   The only anomaly is their 12 point win over what appears to be a damn good Chargers team.  That’s what really good teams do – roll and smoke the smokeable and win the close ones.  The Saints have played a tougher schedule to date with only the NY Football Patsies as a weak link and sit at 6-1 having reeled off six wins after the wild 48-40 opening loss to the Buccaneers.  The slight time zone inverse humidity hex combined with the friendly confines of the Superdome may make the difference here as the Saints faithful will be whipped into a frenzy by the prospect of knocking off the clear NFC favorite so far.  This one goes down to the wire. New Orleans 43 Los Angeles 38. 

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Raiders over 49ers.  A real no-brainer this week as the Battle of the Bay is more like the Battle of the Bowl (Toilet Bowl that is).  The Raiders and Niners have combined to lose 13 games, a starting quarterback, the best defensive player in the league, a stand-out wide receiver, their last shreds of dignity, respect and the interest of fans.   So what a Thursday night treat!  Actually this game is what Thursday night football is all about – putting up a game on National TV that hard core football junkies will watch no matter how shitty the on-field product actually is.  So hats off to the NFL front office for pulling this one over on a gullible population.  Remember to turn off the car engine if you happen to be listening to this beastly bowel battle on the old AM Radio when pulling into your three car garage, lest ye be tempted to sit there and put an end to your football watching misery.  Oakland 3 Santa Clara 2.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 7

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As they round the far turn, Red was 2-4 for the week, 10 lengths off the pace, and now in a 12-18 hole for the season.  This week 6-0 for sure!  Red never says “die”  – an expression which has never made much sense to him anyway.

Notes from last week: 

At the end of the Chiefs-Patriots game, the Chiefs players were walking off the field looking like – “Yep, we can play with these guys!” The Pats were looking like “Thank god we survived that onslaught!”   Red originally predicted a Stealer/Chiefs AFC Championship game – but it is looking more and more like the Pats will be there.

The Cowboys offense just had their one good game of the season.  Meanwhile, the Jaguars have to be wondering what happened to their defense after getting smoked two weeks in a row.

The Texans were lucky to survive yet again and would be leading the AFC South but for an inexplicable loss to the sad sack Giants.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Bears over Patriots.  Given the massive turnover in rosters within 2-3 years for your average NFL team, Red puts no stock in ancient football history.  But even so the Bears have not beaten the Patriots in forever.  Actually, the Bears did win in 2000 in the pre-Brady era (it seems so long ago now) but since whipping the Pats in Superb Owl XX, the Bears are 1-7 against the Pats.  And despite misgivings, Red simply thinks the Bears are due.  They certainly are smarting after getting beat by the Dolphins and much-maligned QB Brock Osweiler.  The venom on Houston Sports Talk Radio regarding said BO two seasons later is still somewhat disconcerting – after all the guy did steer the team to one of your glorious franchise’s three ever playoff wins.  But Red digresses.  Despite last week, the Bears have a good defense and look for Khalil Mack and gang to be putting serious pressure on the timeless wonder.  The Bears score just enough points to win a close one.  Chicago 20 New England 17.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Chiefs over Bengals.  This could be the GOTWGOTW but Red is a little tired of hyping the Andy Reid Hour starring Patrick Mahomes and featuring Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce.  It’s the hit series of the Fall so far.  And the Chiefs get another Sunday night slot to show the NFL exactly how explosive this offense really is.  Bengals are still the big surprise of the season so far – notwithstanding the inexplicable breakdown against the Stealers last week.  No breakdowns needed this week.  Mahomes is back on again because if he isn’t throwing four TDs a game it’s an off week.  Red Rifle and crew make a valiant effort to keep up against a Chiefs defense that has yet to learn the valuable art of tackling.  Kansas City 45 Cincinnati 39.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Jaguars over Texans.  Texans have done yeomanlike work in getting back to 3-3 after a pathetic start.  But yeomanlike probably doesn’t get it against a Jaguars defense that is either confused and lost or angry and looking to get even.  Red is betting on the latter this week and woe be to Deshaun Watson if Red is right.  He will not last the season at the rate Bill O’ Clown is using up his nine lives.  If Red were running the show, he would write this one off and sacrifice Brandon Weeden to the lions (or their close cousins) this week.  The Texans have seven winnable games on the schedule after this one before closing with tough matchups against the Eagles and Jags again.  That could put you at 9-7 which might win the division or 10-6 which almost certainly will.  Think about it Billy.  The Texans might even be able to win with Weeden if Blake Bortles is not having one of his five weeks of the season where he actually resembles a real NFL quarterback.  Red just hopes that Watson makes it through in one piece.  Jacksonville 24 Houston 16.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Ravens over Saints.  The irresistible force meets the unmovable object here.  That’s a problem Red could never solve and does not make for exciting football.  Ravens defense wins the day. It’s close but not exciting.  Baltimore 17 New Orleans 16.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chargers over Titans.  Some think that the Chargers have the nads to compete with the Chiefs and win the AFC West.  Some still believe in Santa Claus.  Don’t get Red wrong, the Chargers are good – especially for a team with no home field advantage and 37 fans on a good Sunday.  It’s just kind of sad that great careers like those of Phillip Rivers and LaDanian Tomlinson went to the Chargers to die.  But this week the possibility of glory is still alive because just right now the Titans are pathetic.  Marcus M. was sacked 11 times last week – Yep, 11 times!  All this while completing a mere 10 passes.  So while the Chargers really don’t need a triple time zone reverse hillbilly factor hex this week over a sadly inept Titans’ offense, it sure won’t hurt.  This will be a good old fashioned butt-whipping.  Los Angeles 42 Tennessee 10.

This Week’s Shit Bowl –    There is a plethora of choices this week’s excruciating excrement exhibition.  Just to let you in on a little of the Inside Baseball that goes on here at ParadiseinHell.net, the Shit Bowl is typically awarded to the teams with the most combined losses – unless of course there is a team of historic ineptitude (typically in past years the Browns) playing a team with a decent record.  So if the 0-15 Browns are playing a 10-5 Ravens team, the 20 losses might not qualify the game for the Shit Bowl if there are two “going-nowhere in a hurry” 6-9 teams butting heads.  This early in the season that is not usually a problem.  But this week we have three matchups between teams with a combined 9 losses.  Bills/Colts, Broncos/Cardinals and Giants/Falcons.  A veritable brown feast of ineptitude.  So just for you Red is calling all three.  Bills should have won last week and do so this week against a horrible Colts outfit.  Broncos are bad but good enough to beat a team so bad that even Sam Bradford can’t hold down a job.  And while the Falcons seemed to have joined the Flat Earth Society and fallen off the edge, they should be able to beat a Giants franchise clinging to its last shreds of dignity.  But please, please put away all the painkillers before you sit down to watch this parade of football futility lest ye be tempted to put an end to it all before halftime.  Bills 24 Colts 19. Broncos 9 Cardinals 6 and Falcons 42 Giants 21.