Red just can’t seem to get much traction – which he knows is not a big selling point as an introduction to a column that is supposed to be about picking winners. Anyhow, Red was 3-3 again last week bringing the season total to an underwhelming 29-34. At least your old buddy Red is honest about his powers of prognostication.
Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Bears over Rams. Well Timmy, it’s time to go out on the limb and call another longshot. It works about 10% of the time, but you gotta have some fun in this game or go crazy. The Bears defense is more than capable of slowing down the Ramrod attack. Can the offense score just enough. Red calls it. Chicago 25 Los Angeles 23.
Your National TV Game of the Week – Seahawks over Vikings. Vikings were waxed by the Patriots when they had a chance to prove that they could have been somebody, a contender instead of bums which is what they are. Seahawks are stumbling to a playoff spot in the crowded NFC wildcard race. This is one more staggering step to a wildcard berth and a first round exit. Seattle 24 Minnesota 17.
Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Colts. Texans likely wrap up another AFC South Crown with a win this week. In September. the idea of this team winning 10 in a row was farcical. Has Bill O the Clown become Bill the Genius? Only the playoffs will tell. Meanwhile, Colts are coming off getting skunked by the hapless Jags. The will score points but not enough points. This one might actually be entertaining. Houston 34 Indianapolis 31.
Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chargers over Bengals. Chargers win on the road. Chargers win at home – also on the road. Chargers win. Bengals are lost without Red Rifle and cannot overcome double time zone/reverse climate shift hex this week. Los Angeles 45 Cincinnati 7.
Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Eagles over Cowboys. Cowboys have surprised the Hell out of Red in holding the mighty Saints to 10 points last week. That likely was the high point for a Dallas defense that relies way too heavily on having linebackers make incredible plays. Meanwhile in Philadelphia it looked for a while like Nick Foles might get another chance. But Mr. Wentz has taken charge – more or less – and a win on Sunday puts them in the driver’s seat in the sad sack NFC East. Unfortunately that bus looks like it is headed over a cliff. At the beginning of the season, the winner of this division looked primed to make a playoff run. Not so much anymore. Philadelphia 21 Arlington, TX 13.
This Week’s Shit Bowl – Bills over Jets. This week’s stinkathon features two teams that have combined for 17 losses. Note: the Lions and Cardinals have also combined for 17 L’s but Red is tired of beating up on the Cards who actually beat up on the Packers last week and messed up Red’s chances at a winning week. This smellarama will be a titanic clash of two of the worst offenses currently known to man. The Bills have been especially atrocious in averaging under 15 points per game. But the Cards have a more balanced awfulness to them as both their offense and defense reek while the Bills’ defense is actually playing reasonably well. If attending in person, please wear your approved gas mask lest ye choke on the acrid fumes emanating from this exemplar of an an awful anal attraction. Orchard Park, NY 10 New Jersey 3.