Tag Archives: NFL Picks Week 14

Red’s NFL 2018 Picks – Week 14

Red just can’t seem to get much traction – which he knows is not a big selling point as an introduction to a column that is supposed to be about picking winners.  Anyhow, Red was 3-3 again last week bringing the season total to an underwhelming 29-34.  At least your old buddy Red is honest about his powers of prognostication.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week –  Bears over Rams.  Well Timmy, it’s time to go out on the limb and call another longshot.  It works about 10% of the time, but you gotta have some fun in this game or go crazy.  The Bears defense is more than capable of slowing down the Ramrod attack.  Can the offense score just enough.  Red calls it.   Chicago 25 Los Angeles 23.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Seahawks over Vikings.  Vikings were waxed by the Patriots when they had a chance to prove that they could have been somebody, a contender instead of bums which is what they are.  Seahawks are stumbling to a playoff spot in the crowded NFC wildcard race.  This is one more staggering step to a wildcard berth and a first round exit.  Seattle 24 Minnesota 17.

Your Texas Game of the Week  – Texans over Colts.  Texans likely wrap up another AFC South Crown with a win this week.  In September. the idea of this team winning 10 in a row was farcical.  Has Bill O the Clown become Bill the Genius?  Only the playoffs will tell.  Meanwhile, Colts are coming off getting skunked by the hapless Jags.  The will score points but not enough points.  This one might actually be entertaining.  Houston 34 Indianapolis 31.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week  – Chargers over Bengals.  Chargers win on the road.  Chargers win at home – also on the road.  Chargers win.  Bengals are lost without Red Rifle and cannot overcome double time zone/reverse climate shift hex this week.  Los Angeles 45 Cincinnati 7.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Eagles over Cowboys.  Cowboys have surprised the Hell out of Red in holding the mighty Saints to 10 points last week.  That likely was the high point for a Dallas defense that relies way too heavily on having linebackers make incredible plays.  Meanwhile in Philadelphia it looked for a while like Nick Foles might get another chance.  But Mr. Wentz has taken charge – more or less – and a win on Sunday puts them in the driver’s seat in the sad sack NFC East.  Unfortunately that bus looks like it is headed over a cliff.  At the beginning of the season, the winner of this division looked primed to make a playoff run.  Not so much anymore.  Philadelphia 21 Arlington, TX 13.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Bills over Jets.  This week’s stinkathon features two teams that have combined for 17 losses.  Note:  the Lions and Cardinals have also combined for 17 L’s but Red is tired of beating up on the Cards who actually beat up on the Packers last week and messed up Red’s chances at a winning week.  This smellarama will be a titanic clash of two of the worst offenses currently known to man.  The Bills have been especially atrocious in averaging under 15 points per game.  But the Cards have a more balanced awfulness to them as both their offense and defense reek while the Bills’ defense is actually playing reasonably well.  If attending in person, please wear your approved gas mask lest ye choke on the acrid fumes emanating from this exemplar of an an awful anal attraction.  Orchard Park, NY 10 New Jersey 3.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 14

The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.” Randy Cross

Red is a glass half full kind of guy.

Red Rates Himself – For week 13 Red was 1-5. For the season 43-29. Harrumph.

Your Idiotic Pick of the Week: Bengals over Stealers. The theme this week dictates that Red pick a lot of games that he really should stay away from – this first one being a prime example. This one features two teams that are playing some of the best football in the league right now. A couple of other teams are on hotter streaks but the Stealers are looking very dangerous as long as Ben stays in the game – and they are doing it without LeVeon Bell. Antonio Brown may be the best receiver in the league right now with over 1300 yards and Martavis Bryant appears to be another excellent receiver from Clemson – a receiver factory apparently. Give Ben those kind of options and some time . . . Meanwhile, the Bengals seem to have rebounded from their 2 game losing streak by absolutely pounding the Rams and Browns the last two weeks. Stealers are not poundable, but the Bengals overall balance should tip this one slightly in their favor. Bet this one at your own risk – as always. Cincinnati 21 Pittsburgh 20.

Your Moronic Pick of the Week: Patriots over Texans. Red was correctly concerned last week that actually picking the Texans is the kiss of death. Red is willing to take one for the team because this pick follows two rules that have worked well – well sort of. Picking the Patriots has been a steady source of wins for Red and picking against the Texans has generally failed and insured a win for the Texans. Objectively, however, a 3 game losing streak for the Pats is almost unimaginable, while a 2 game losing streak for the Texans is simply par for the back nine. Red would only bet on this one at gunpoint and even then he would have to ponder it for a moment or two.   New England 24 Houston 20.

Your Pendejo Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Colts. Just because.   Red would take the over here if there was one.  Jacksonville 35 Indianapolis 24.

You’re Dumbshit Pick of the Week: 49ers over Browns. Niners have yet to put back to back wins together and in desperation relegated Kaepernick to the bench calling on the redoubtable Blaine Gabbert – and by that Red means that you can doubt Gabbert multiple times and not really have to worry about it. Meanwhile, the Browns have 2 wins total and come in on 7 game losing streak which has them turning to the desperate measure of putting the ball into the hands of the erratic Jonathon F. Football. All of which adds up to this week’s Shit Bowl. Take Red’s advice and bury your guns in the back yard right now if you plan on watching this dreadful dung duel, lest ye be tempted to terrorize the china cabinet by taking potshots at the Wedding Waterford to relieve the pain you are experiencing. If you bet on this one, it’s time to seek out Gambler’s Anonymous. Santa Clara 13 Cleveland 10.

Your Box of Rocks Pick of the Week: Packers over Cowboys. The Cowboys have beaten each of the other teams in the PEFAPFD that is the NFC East and the Dolphins. The Packers are no great shakes but have beaten the Vikings, Chiefs and Seahawks. Red is a firm believer in that “on any given Sunday” stuff, but not this Sunday. Take the Packers giving up 7.  Green Bay 35 Arlington 13.

You’re WTF? Pick of the Week: Titans over Jets.   Red, you ask, “Why do the Jets get a lot of favorable press every year, and then wind up sucking?” Well, Billy, that is what is known as the New York press bias. At the beginning of the season, the sporting press – every last one of them who lives in New York – must find something really favorable to say about the NY football franchises who actually play their games in New Jersey. So, Bobby, the glowing reports come out and everyone is happy. That is, Sammy, until the games actually start being played. Believe Red, Willy, he is as surprised as anyone to see how well Ryan Fitzpatrick has played and how he has the Jets – Yes, the Jets – in contention for a playoff spot. But, Freddy, remember that almost every season, there is a team that tanks it in December (usually the Cowboys) and also a formerly pathetic team that turns it on for a stretch drive that invigorates the fan base with hope for next year – only to usually be disappointed. Last year it was the Vikings who started to play like an actual professional football team over the last 6 or so games of the season. So, Timmy, Red is picking the Titans to be that team this year. Why? Because he likes to play with your little minds.  Red kind of likes the under here at 43, but his money is staying in the ATM.  Tennessee 24 New Jersey 13.