Red will be out of pocket for the next couple of weeks, so loyal readers may have to wait until Week 10 to partake from the weekly fountain of wisdom from Paradise in Hell.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles are number one until someone beats them and then maybe even after that.
2. Buffalo Bills – The Bills are probably the best team going. But see the Eagles.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Coming off the bye week they face this generation’s best running back in Derrick Henry – who single-handedly (or footedly) carried the Titans to victory last week.
4. Minnesota Vikings – Continuing to romp through the weakened NFC North. After the Commanders this week, however, things are going to get tougher.
5. Tennessee Titans – Something very strange would have to happen for the Titans to lose the AFC South.
6. Dallas Cowboys – Can they beat the Eagles? Or any good team for that matter?
7. Miami Dolphins – Tua is healthy and impressive. A tough out for any team.
8. Baltimore Ravens – After some stumbles, the Ravens seem pointed in the right direction after dismantling the Buccaneers.
9. Seattle Seahawks – If you had the Seahawks to be on top of the NFC West at this point in the season, please send Red your stock picks.
10. New York Giants – Red chalks up the loss to the Seahawks to the triple-reverse time zone hex, but this team needs to snap back quickly. A bye week and then the Texans and Lions should be a cure for whatever ails you.
11. New York Jets – Still hanging around but could go 3-6 to close the season.
12. New England Patriots – Just when you were ready to call Bellicheat down for the count . .
13. Atlanta Falcons – With a relatively weak remaining schedule a 6-3 finish is not out of the question and neither are the playoffs.
14. Los Angeles Chargers – Unleash Justin Herbert!!!!
15. San Francisco 49ers – If they play like they did against the Rams they could win the NFC West. But they may have to beat the Seahawks twice. Good luck with that.
16. Washington Commanders – This may be is as good as it gets but it’s way better than anyone predicted so far.
17. Cleveland Browns – Nick Chubb saved the season last night. Maybe D. Watson can get them into the playoffs.
18. Cincinnati Bengals – The hardest team to figure in the league right now.
19. New Orleans Saints – Beating up a bad Raiders team is a step in the right direction.
20. Los Angeles Rams – We’ve got trouble, right here in the City of Angels and that starts with T and that rhymes with C and that stands for Superb Owl Curse.
21. Indianapolis Colts – Apparently, Matty Ice was not the problem.
22. Green Bay Packers – Failing in all aspects of the game right now.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Brady looks tired and old but don’t count him out just yet.
24. Denver Broncos – Topping the “Who Gives a Shit” List this week.
25. Chicago Bears – Staying in games for a half isn’t good enough.
26. Arizona Cardinals – Last chance to save the season against the Seahawks this week.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars – Trevor Lawrence, let me introduce you to Mr. David Carr.
28. Pittsburgh Stealers – Ugh!
29. Carolina Panthers – Double Ugh!
30. Las Vegas Raiders – Still the biggest disappointment of the season.
31. Houston Texans – Dameon Pierce is making a case for Offensive Rookie of the Year – a bright spot in another dismal season.
32. Detroit Lions – The Lions have taken their rightful place in the cellar at last.

Red has been down for almost the full count for about 10 days but he is coming back as strong as the Lions’ offense – hopefully, the early season version and not the bottom of the barrel shitshow of the last two weeks. As the season rounds to what used to be the halfway point, the pretenders are getting exposed and the surprises are making a case.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles are a 2nd quarter powerhouse sending dispirited opponents to the locker room at halftime because they have scored 112 second-quarter points in their first 6 games this season – the most points in any quarter in NFL history over that stretch. With upcoming schedule 9-0 is in the headlights.
2. Buffalo BIlls – Spank the Chiefs and then get a week off? Probably needed as the remaining schedule looks much tougher than it did at the beginning of the season with two games against the Jets and the coming alive Patriots.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Patrick Mahomes is still in love with his ability to make difficult throws. The only problem is that those passes are getting regularly picked off as of late. Andy needs to get morning out of the running game and take pressure of his QB.
4. Minnesota Vikings – At 5-1, Red has to put them here. Realistically, there might only be 3-4 more losses on the schedule if the Vikings keep playing like this.
5. New York Giants – Saquon Barkley looks healthy, happy and ready to roll. But the Giants can’t keep falling behind by double digits and have their opponents pull defeat from the jaws of victory.
6. New York Jets – If the Jets beat the Patriots this week, then 11-6 is definitely on the table. That would go a long way towards building confidence that they can at least play with the BIlls.
7. Los Angeles Chargers – The most inconsistent team this season, but with a winning record going to their bye week.
8. Dallas Cowboys – Best rushing offense in the league is offset by the worst passing game and a thoroughly mediocre defense.
9. Cincinnati Bengals – Unleash Ja’marr Chase and good things will happen. Burrow seems to be returning to last season’s form.
10. Baltimore Ravens – Finding new and imaginative ways to lose. The Ravens have already lost three games in which they were up by 10 or more. No team has ever done that more times in one season.
11. Los Angeles Rams – Are the Rams on the precipice of a winning or losing season already? A crumbling offensive line does not bode well for the Rams.
12. San Francisco 49ers – Meanwhile up the road, the Niners defense has been plagued by injuries. Doubtful that the offense can score enough to hold on.
13. Tennessee Titans – There doesn’t seem to be too much in the way of an AFC South crown at this point – especially if they dispatch the Colts on Sunday.
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Red is not one to write off Tom Brady just yet, but at this rate – check back in a couple of weeks.
15. Miami Dolphins – If Tua is the real deal, the Dolphins will be back after big prime time game against the Stealers.
16. Atlanta Falcons – If not for the Jets and Giants, the Falcons might be the surprise come-back team of the year at this point in the season. And Marcus Mariota is looking like come back player of the year.
17. Green Bay Packers – There isn’t much here that doesn’t look pretty ugly right now.
18. New England Patriots – The best of the also-rans with a legitimate shot at the playoffs. Will the smoke and mirrors make it the rest of the way? It’s anybody’s guess.
19. New Orleans Saints – Should be better. Aren’t. The Rusty Rifle needs to go back above the mantel and conclude a sad end to a once promising career.
20. Indianapolis Colts – The Matty Ice experiment is still in the lab after a nice win on Sunday. Is Sam Ehlinger the savior waiting in the wings?
21. Seattle Seahawks -Yep, this is the point where Red is losing interest in having to come up with something. Pete Carroll Lives!!
22. Denver Broncos – Either the best or the worst 2-4 team and it doesn’t make a bit of difference.
23. Chicago Bears – If the Bears give Red a good blizzard game this season he will say nice things about them.
24. Cleveland Browns – Mr. Watson coming back will help but it will be too little too late for this sad sack franchise.
25. Washington Commanders – Are there really 7 teams worse than the Commanders? Apparently so.
26. Arizona Cardinals – How can they be this bad with decent talent?
27. Pittsburgh Stealers – It’s been a long time since the Stealers stunk it up like this.
28. Las Vegas Raiders – Finally able to beat the Texans. Big whoop!
29. Jacksonville Jaguars – Will be better when they move and are rebranded as the London Lords.
30. Houston Texans – Took a step in the right direction after the bye week by showing troublemaker Jack Easterby the door. Davis Mills is not showing that he is the answer on South Main.
31. Detroit Lions – 6 points in two weeks after scoring 140 in the first 4. Utterly inexplicable.
32. Carolina Panthers – Back to the norm after knocking off the Bucs. House cleaning in progress.

Lots of big games and action in Week 6. Let’s get right to it.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles have taken charge in the highly competitive NFC East and the win over the Cowboys was not as close as it looked.
2. Buffalo Bills – After handily dispatching AFC rival Chiefs it looks like all paths to the Superb Owl lead through Orchard Park.
3. Minnesota Vikings – Playing in a weak NFC North probably keeps them in the mix all season long.
4. New York Giants – Second best team in New York continues to roll. Win over the Ravens was impressive.
5. Kansas City Chiefs – Need to reevaluate offensive scheme. Mahomes appears to be overly in love with his ability to make difficult plays which have lately turned into a lot of INTs.
6. New York Jets – The third best team in New York. It’s fun to be a fan in the Empire State.
7. Los Angeles Chargers – Seem to be headed in a better direction winning close games instead of losing them.
8. Baltimore Ravens – Are better than they have shown so far.
9. Tennessee Titans – Weak division helps as the season goes on.
10. Dallas Cowboys – The third best team in the NFC East still gets you in the top ten, but just barely.
11. Cincinnati Bengals – Could go either way. Probably going down.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Making incantations to the war gods while dancing around the flames of what seemed like a Superb Owl contender.
13. Miami Dolphins – Showing just how important the backup QB position really is.
14. San Francisco 49ers – Leading the mediocrity pack this week.
15. Los Angeles Rams – Looking decidedly mediocre in all phases of the game.
16. Green Bay Packers – Hoping to look mediocre in all phases of the game. Not succeeding.
17. Atlanta Falcons – The happiest of the mediocrities.
18. New England Patriots – The mediocrity with the most upside right now.
19. Seattle Seahawks – The worst mediocre team?
20. Indianapolis Colts – Topping the “who gives a shit” list this week.
21. Cleveland Browns – Wasting a great season by Chubb to this point.
22. Denver Broncos – Right where they belong.
23. Pittsburgh Stealers – Time to think about a rebuilding project.
24. Chicago Bears – Always rebuilding, never succeeding.
25. Arizona Cardinals – The Kliff KIngsbury NFL experiment is on life support.
26. New Orleans Saints – Just play Taysom Hill so that we can enjoy the spectacle.
27. Houston Texans – Two wins in a row almost seems possible given the state of the Raiders.
28. Oakland Raiders – A loss to the Texans could move them to the bottom.
29. Washington Commanders – Red likes Carson Wentz but the guy cannot stay on the field.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars – ZZZZZZZZZZZ.
31. Detroit Lions – Red believed. Red was wrong.
32. Carolina Panthers – The house cleaning has just begun.

Recent news that Texas school districts are distributing DNA kits to parents has raised some serious hackles. Our Poor Idiot Governor Greg Abbott signed a law mandating that DNA kits be made available after the slaughter of 19 students and 2 teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde.

Some parents seem strangely dissatisfied with the law passed in spring 2021 requiring the Texas Education Agency to give inkless in-home fingerprint and DNA identification cards to each public school system in Texas. But the GOP seems to be pleased that the lifeless battered corpses of school children will be more easily identified after the inevitable next school massacre. Why bother with proactive measures to reduce gun violence in schools and elsewhere when you can just make it easier to clean up the mess afterwards?

Things have sorted themselves out a bit in Week 5. Week 6 will likely resulting in some more culling of the herd. One think is certain – for now New York fans have something to shout about.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – Red thought the Eagles were good, but not this good. Showdown at home against the Cowboys Sunday night will tell us how good the Eagles really are.
2. Buffalo Bills – Continuing to romp even though the defense has been off a bit – but don’t tell that to the Stealers. The other big showdown of the week against the Chiefs on Sunday.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Doing just enough to win on a consistent basis won’t be good enough against the Bills.
4. New York Giants – Red just looked down and the Giants were 4-1.
5. Minnesota Vikings – Some thought the Vikings were going to be good. Some might have been right.
6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Will always have the Refs in their back pocket.
7. Dallas Cowboys – Mr. Rush continues to win. Is he doing to Dak what Dak did to Tony?
8. San Francisco 49ers – The best in the west.
9. Baltimore Ravens – Have yet to put a complete game together. Watch out when they do.
10. Miami Dolphins – May I speak to Mr. Kaepernick please?
11. Green Bay Packers – Other than that how did you enjoy your trip to London Mr. Rodgers?
12. Tennessee Titans – Winning 3 straight puts them on top in the saddest division in the NFL.
13. Los Angeles Chargers – You never know which Chargers team is going to show up on Sunday or Monday or Thursday or any other day.
14. New York Jets – Those who have the over on Jets W/L have to feel pretty good right now.
15. Los Angeles Rams – Underperforming in all phases of the game.
16. Cincinnati Bengals – One day Red will learn to spell Cincinnati on the first try.
17. Cleveland Browns – The supposedly strong defense can’t stop anyone right now.
18. New England Patriots – Never count them out.
19. Indianapolis Colts – The only .500 team in the league looks to be in trouble.
20. New Orleans Saints – Mr. Hill put on a performance for the ages. If you started him at TE on your fantasy team and didn’t win last week – just give it up.
21. Atlanta Falcons – Not the first or last team playing against Tom Brady to get screwed by the Refs.
22. Seattle Seahawks – An appropriate entry for the beginning of the “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass” section of the rankings.
23. Arizona Cardinals – See picture next to “disappointment” in the dictionary.
24. Houston Texans – If only they could schedule 17 games against the Jaguars.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars – Losing to the Texans – Huh, huh -Wuss!
26. Las Vegas Raiders – Could have beaten the Chiefs. Did not beat the Chiefs.
27. Detroit Lions – How this offense goes from averaging about 35 ppg to getting skunked is something of a mystery.
28. Denver Broncos – Nothing is going right in the Mile High City.
29. Chicago Bears – Ugh!
30. Pittsburgh Stealers – Double Ugh!!
31. Carolina Panthers – Baker gets baked and taken out of the oven under new regime. It makes no difference.
32. Washington Commanders – When Al Michaels calls for your head on national TV you know the end times are near.

The latest missive to hit Red’s inbox is particularly juicy. Read on.

Friend,

We are living in dark and scary times (I’m not dead or in prison yet)…

This is a GIANT Scam (take it from a professional scammer), a SICK continuation of the greatest Witch Hunt in United States history (except of course for the actual Witch Hunts – so a few skanks got burned at the stake – big deal).

The FBI raid of my home was a complete weaponization (or lawful exercise as the case may be) of the Justice Department, FBI, Democrat District Attorneys, and Attorney Generals (everybody hates me, nobody likes me, think I’ll go eat worms). It was controlled by the VERY SAME PEOPLE (those commie bastards) that brought you Russia, Russia, Russia, Mueller, Impeachment Hoax 1, Impeachment Hoax 2, and more (pay no attention to the fact that I repeatedly asked for Russia’s help and got it, tried to extort the leader of another country to help my campaign, and fomented and supported an insurrection to overturn a lawful election – those are mere details).

This is unlike ANYTHING that has ever happened to a former President (because no other President tried to pull off such shit and oops did I just admit I’m not the rightful president), and the American people will not stand for “Weaponization” (my new favorite word) any longer.

Friend, you have been with me since the very beginning, so I am calling on you to PUBLICLY STAND WITH ME (but not too close with your germs and diseases).

Together, Republicans will WIN in November, and we will END these corrupt WITCH HUNTS against YOUR President (there, I corrected myself).

I’m counting on you, Friend (or if you prefer Rube, Sucker, Dupe or Moron). The Democrats don’t want us to win – they want to stay in power and control you (well duh!). WE CAN’T LET THEM (THEY MIGHT PUT ME IN JAIL WHERE I BELONG)!

Please contribute ANY AMOUNT IMMEDIATELY to make a statement that the Left will NEVER take me down (because there is no end to the con that I am running).

Thank you (for being such a fool),

Donald J. Trump
45th President of the United States (Federal Prison ID number yet to be assigned)

And now there is one undefeated team and one winless team. Repeat after me – PARITY SUCKS!

1. Philadelphia Eagles – The only thing not to like is the defense giving up almost 18 ppg.
2. Buffalo BIlls – Could be in the first spot except for the stumble against the Dolphins. Impressive comeback against a very good Ravens team.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – When Mahomes is on the Chiefs look unbeatable. Ask Tom Brady about that.
4. Green Bay Packers – Red will be surprised if the Packers stay in the top 5 much longer, but they deserve the spot right now.
5. New York Giants – See Green Bay Packers.
6. Miami Dolphins – Need to get their act together. They can win with Teddy Bridgewater if proper adjustments are made.
7. Minnesota Vikings – 3-1 with a plus 6 point differential! That can’t last.
8. Dallas Cowboys – The NFC East is the NFL Division of Excellence at the slightly less than quarter pole. Still can’t used to 17 games or the fact that this division doesn’t stink.
9. Cincinnati Bengals – Everyone in the AFC is gunning for them right now. Chiefs and Bills still wondering how they did not end up in Superb Owl last season.
10. Tennessee Titans – Have righted the ship for now, but the defense can’t continue to give up 25 ppg.
11. Cleveland Browns – The definition of inconsistency. Will stay in the mix as long as Chubb is healthy.
12. Baltimore Ravens – Have to shake off tough loss to Bills.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Don’t be fooled by garbage time points against the Chiefs, this offense is in trouble.
14. San Francisco 49ers – Another win like this week’s dismantling of the Rams and the Niners will really rocket right up Red’s rankings – who as readers know loves alliteration.
15. Los Angeles Rams – Matthew Stafford starting to look tired and old.
16. Atlanta Falcons – Two wins in a row puts them right in the mix in a weak NFC South.
17. Los Angeles Chargers – Red wants to believe but his faith is being tested.
18. Jacksonville Jaguars – Still London’s favorite team.
19. Chicago Bears – Oh why the hell not?
20. Seattle Seahawks – Third place in the division of parity gets you this ranking. In case you’re not paying attention every team in NFC West is 2-2.
21. Arizona Cardinals – Same thing for fourth place in the division of parity.
22. Denver Broncos – This would be the saddest offense in the league but for the Bears and Colts.
23. Detroit Lions – The Lions are averaging a league best 35 ppg and are 1-3. If they ever manage to get the other team to punt they just might win some games.
24. New York Jets – Unfortunately playing in the same division as the Bills and Dolphins so Red doesn’t want to get Jets’ fans hopes up just yet.
25. New Orleans Saints – This week the Saints top the “Who Gives a Shit” part of the rankings.
26. Carolina Panthers – If you don’t have anything good to say . . .
27. Pittsburgh Stealers – Losing to the Jets. You’re lucky to get this ranking.
28. Las Vegas Raiders – Should not be this bad.
29. Washington Commanders – Still looking for a quarterback.
30. Indianapolis Colts – Red has seen offenses suck before, but this is the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. With apologies to H. Simpson.
31. New England Patriots – My how the mighty have fallen.
32. Houston Texans – Finding new and imaginative ways to lose.

I was looking for a job and then I found a job
And heaven knows I’m miserable now

In my life, why do I give valuable time
To people who don’t care if I live or die?

The Smiths from Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.

In light of all the news regarding the young crowd (18-24 years) opting out of work and school, Red suggest you contemplate this memorable lyric.

One of the frustrating things about the NFL is parity. This is on display this week as after only 3 weeks, there are only 2 undefeated teams and only 2 winless teams. This means a huge pack of relative mediocrity that has to be sorted out.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles have barely broken a sweat in dispatching opponents. The Commanders went down with barely a whimper.
2. Miami Dolphins – Gave the rest of the league a road map for how to beat the Bills. Tight pass coverage and protect your quarterback at all costs.
3. Buffalo Bills – Will the rest of the league pay attention to what the Dolphins did? Ignore it at your peril.
4. Green Bay Packers – Making T. Brady look stupid at the end of a game earns you extra points with Red.
5. Kansas City Chiefs – Losing to the Colts gets you demoted. A win against the Buccaneers would go a long way to righting the ship.
6. Baltimore Ravens – Mr. Jackson seems to want that MVP trophy and will carry this team into the playoffs. A real duel threat as long as he stays healthy.
7. Los Angeles Rams – A shaky 2-1 record. Replay of last year’s NFC title game this week should be interesting.
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Sorry Tom, 12 points is not going to cut it.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars – Looking surprisingly real so far. If they can stick with the Eagles this week, Red may start to believe.
10. Minnesota Vikings – Got lucky against the Lions – but who doesn’t?
11. Dallas Cowboys – Picking themselves up off the scrap heap so far. Can Rush carry them for another month?
12. Los Angeles Chargers – The Texans are the tonic for whatever ails you. If the Chargers lose this week – Sell!
13. Denver Broncos – Winning with baseball scores.
14. San Francisco 49ers – Losing with baseball scores.
15. Cincinnati Bengals – Will take beating up on Flacco Joe and the Jets to finally get a win. The key is giving Burrow time in the pocket.
16. New York Giants – Had a shot at 3-0. Blew it. Is anyone really surprised?
17. Cleveland Browns – An impressive win against Stealers. It doesn’t get any easier though.
18. New England Patriots – The offense is showing signs of life. Losing to the Ravens is not the end of the world.
19. Tennessee Titans – Will be okay – but only okay – until Derrick Henry’s legs fall off.
20. Chicago Bears – If they had beaten any team other than the Texans, Red would rank them higher.
21. Indianapolis Colts – Probably deserve a higher ranking after knocking off Chiefs but they are averaging 13.33 ppg.
22. Atlanta Falcons – Overcame the triple reverse time zone, inverse longitudinal hex to beat the Seahawks. That’s earns a tip of the old hat from Red.
23. Detroit Lions – Finding new and creative ways to lose.
24. Carolina Panthers – This is about the point where Red has trouble remembering what teams are left to rank and even more trouble caring.
25. New Orleans Saints – Who dat? No one you want running your team.
26. New York Jets – Almost pulled it out of the bag against the Bengals but Flacco Joe forgot his cane.
27. Arizona Cardinals – Probably the biggest disappointment so far this season. Can they hang on until D-Hop comes back to put some life into the passing game?
28. Washington Commanders – Someone in the NFC East has to suck. It used to be every team, now it’s just the Commanders.
29. Carolina Panthers – There’s a picture in the dictionary next to the definition of mediocrity. Go ahead guess.
30. Seattle Seahawks – Probably a contender for the Shit Bowl Game of the Week all season long.
31. Houston Texans – Could be ranked last but for the train wreck that is currently the Raiders.
32. Las Vegas Raiders – Rolling snake eyes so far. Texans’ fans are grateful.

They want their football back. And please remove the obscene markings.

This has to be the cheapest piece of crap football Trump could find.