Due to exigent circumstances, Red can’t take you all the way through FLOTUS Melania (“I don’t care, do you?) Trump’s attempt to shore up support for the Reality TV Show Joke of a President and Husband last night. The speech delivered from the denuded White House Rose Garden in violation of all political norms and probably the Hatch Act was delivered in her typical Ice Princess fashion such that it is impossible to believe that she actually believes most of the utter bullshit coming out of her mouth. Here goes nothing.

Blah, blah, blah . . .

I want to acknowledge the fact that since March, our lives have changed drastically (it looks more and more like Donald is going to prison). The invisible enemy, Covid-19, swept across our beautiful country and impacted all of us (mostly old poor people of color so no great loss but I digress). My deepest sympathy goes out to everyone who has lost a loved one and my prayers are with those who are ill or suffering (from the bottom of my ice cold heart). I know many people are anxious and some feel helpless (because of the incompetent leadership of my husband). I want you to know you are not alone. My husband’s administration will not stop fighting until there is an effective treatment or vaccine available to everyone (unless he has a tee time). Donald will not rest until he has done all he can to take care of everyone impacted by this terrible pandemic (again making exceptions for tee times). I want to extend my gratitude to all of the health care professionals, front line workers and teachers who stepped up in these difficult times (but please stay away from me). Despite the risk to yourselves and your own families, you put our country first and my husband and I are grateful (but will avoid you like the plague). I have been moved by the way Americans have come together (despite my husband trying to rip us apart) in such an unfamiliar and often frightening situation (that we were warned about and completely ignored as long as possible). It is in times like this that we will look back and tell our grandchildren that through kindness and compassion, strength and determination, we were able to restore the promise of our future (and explain why grandma and grandpa didn’t make it). Businesses stepped up (and promptly closed up shop), and volunteers stepped in (to the big pile of shit my husband made of this). People were eager to share ideas, resources, and support of all kinds with neighbors and strangers alike (while waiving guns in the faces of the non-whites).

Growing up as a young child in Slovenia, which was under communist rule at the time, I always heard about an amazing place called America — a land that stood for freedom and opportunity. As I grew older it became my goal to move to the United States and follow my dream of working in the fashion industry (and posing naked for money). My parents worked very hard to ensure our family could not only leave and prosper in America, but also contribute to a nation that allows for (nice white) people to arrive with a dream and make it reality (by marrying a rich old pervert). I want to take the moment to thank my mother and father (chain migrants) for all that they have done for our family. It is because of you that I am standing here today.I arrived in the United States when I was 26 years old (and really damn hot). Living and working in the land of opportunity was a dream come true, but I wanted more (than posing naked for money). I wanted to be a citizen. After 10 years of paperwork and patience (and living on an expired visa), I studied for the test in 2006 and became an American citizen.It is still one of the proudest moments in my life, because with hard work and determination I was able to achieve my own American dream (again girls, he may be disgusting but he has money, money, money). As an immigrant and a very independent woman (read the prenup), I understand what a privilege it is to live here and to enjoy the freedoms and opportunities that we have (when you marry a sugar daddy). As first lady, I have been fortunate to see the American dream come true over and over again (not only for me but for contributors to my husband’s campaign).

For many years, I watched him grow concerned and frustrated (no nookie at home and no porn stars to bang), and I’m so proud to see the many things he has done in such a short time (who else could have chipped away at the very foundations of our democracy so quickly). America is in his heart (and his pocketbook). So while at times, we only see the worst of people in politics on the evening news (that’s really nothing compared to what I get to see at home), let’s remember how we come together in the most difficult times (to make a buck). And while debate rages on about issues of race, let’s focus on the strides we have made and work together for a better tomorrow for everyone (but mostly for rich white folks).

As you have heard this evening, I do not want to use this precious time attacking the other side because as we saw last week, that kind of talk only serves to divide the country further (I obviously didn’t watch last night). I am here because we need my husband to be our president and commander in chief for four more years (that way he can stay out of prison for four years, not blow his money on lawyers and who knows he may be dead by 2024 if he keeps wolfing down Big Macs). He is what is best for our country (what’s good for General Bullmoose is good for the USA). We all know Donald Trump makes no secrets about how he feels about things (and feels things like pussy). Total honesty is what we as citizens deserve from our president (am I trying to sabotage his chances with this line or do I really think you will believe whatever bullshit these guys wrote for me), whether you like it or not, you always know what he is thinking (and believe me it’s even more disgusting than you could imagine). And that is because he is an authentic person (not a robot despite rumors to the contrary) who loves this country (and how much he can line his pockets as president) and its (rich white) people and wants to continue to make it better (to scarf up more bucks). Donald wants to keep your family safe (we need consumers), he wants to help your family succeed (MAGA hats now only $25). He wants nothing more than for this country to prosper and he doesn’t waste time playing politics (again who wrote this shit?).