Red missed the opening week of the season due to unavoidable commitments and trouble with his Ipad. Be advised, however, that he would not have picked the Texans to win on the road in New England, but would have taken the Saints over the Buccaneers, the Chiefs over the Chargers, the Bears over the Packers, the Panthers over Cowboys, Jaguars over Giants. That would be a hypothetical 4-2, but it doesn’t count unless you tell someone about it. Red also doesn’t give any betting advice this week because it is too early in the season for accurate throwing away of hard-earned cash.
Your National TV Game of the Week – Giants over Cowboys. The Red Rule is back – and for you new readers out there, the rule is very simple – SCORE 13 POINTS AND BEAT THE COWBOYS. It only took 9 last week, but Red won’t quibble. The Cowboys’ offense looks truly terrible even with E. Elliott at full speed. Red has a funny feeling that Zeke may make him forget all about Steve Slayton (who as long-time readers will remember – Licks the sweat off a dead man’s balls!). It’s way too early to make that call, but here’s hoping. Other than Zeke and Cole Beasley, the Boys are devoid of weapons and unless Sean Lee is playing lights out – the defense aint much to write home about either. On the other hand, there are the Giants – led by tired old Eli Manning and relying on probable Rookie of the Year Saquon Barkley. The future ROY gets it done this week. New Jersey 14 Arlington 6.
Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Titans. Red likes Marcus M. but the dude cannot stay on the field and that may be a good thing this week as he would be relying on the shambles of an offensive line the Titans will trot out at home on Sunday. The Titans may be missing both starting tackles and all-world TE Delanie Walker is gone for the season – a real shame for lovers of excellent TE play like Red. If Mercilus, Watt and Clowney cannot tee off on this bunch – the vaunted Texans defense probably isn’t all that. Texans need a competent offensive performance – something that even Bill O’ the Clown should be able to whip up after getting gob-smacked in week one. This is probably a snoozefest for most of the game with a flurry of activity at the end. Houston 28 Tennessee 17.
Your Must Watch Game of the Week – Chiefs at Stealers. The Patrick Mahomes Show featuring Tyreek Hill and Kareem Hunt debuted last week to rave reviews. Episode 2 can be disappointing for a new series. However, with head writer Andy Reid in charge, Red expects new and exciting scripts with lots of drama for most of the season. This week’s episode has an interesting subplot with Travis Kelce playing a big role in solving the mystery of the Steel Curtain. This one has hit series written all over it. Stay tuned for more. Kansas City 44 Pittsburgh 28.
Your Overrated Game of the Week – Patriots over Jaguars. Normally, you might think that a matchup between the defending AFC Champs and a team that reversed about a decade of franchise futility last season would be an interesting watch. Not so this week. While the Patriots have the mirrors finely polished and the smoke machines pumping out thick dense dark smoke, it just doesn’t make for very exciting games right now. That they have two master magicians on the team doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t matter this week. Jags are overmatched and get another lesson in how it is done this week. New England 27 Jacksonville 17.
Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week Chargers over Bills. As you know, Red is big believer in the time zone hex and the reverse triple time zone, longitudinal inverse hex is very powerful. However, no hex can stand up to the mighty negative power of the Bills. Chargers are lucky to get one hex out of the way early while Bills are still floundering for a solution to the eternal problem – Why are we still living and playing games in Buffalo? Los Angeles 45 Bills 13.
And – This Week’s Shit Bowl – OTNAs over Colts. The Colts have to win a few games this year based on having A. Luck at quarterback alone. Don’t get Red wrong, he would not want the Luckster on his team, but he is a competent quarterback capable of beating the lesser teams. And while the OTNAs are a lesser team, they bitch-slapped the Cardinals last week on the road. So while it is a bit unfair to put them in this week’s Shit Bowl, Red is pretty sure that it will hold up by the end of the season. With apologies to Alex Smith, Red has them winning this turgid turd tussle. Landover, Md. 24 Indianapolis 17.