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Red’s 2024 Weekly NFL Rankings – Week 14

The closing stretch is near.  Who will be in? Who will be out?  Why are you asking Red?

  1. Detroit Lions (11-1)  Red premiers a new feature beginning with the Lions this week.  Actually, before he was just too lazy to include W/L record.  Lions deserve this spot.  Can they keep their players on the field?
  2. Philadelphia Eagles (10-2) Eagles have inside track to No. 1 seed in NFC with only the Vikings and Packers nipping at their wings.  Red is not aware that birds have heels.  Feel free to correct him.
  3. Buffalo Bills (10-2) – Red loves a good blizzard game.  Apparently, as does Josh Allen. Was that the best touchdown of the year?  Once again, how did the Texans beat this team?
  4. Kansas City Chiefs (11-1)  Chiefs may be the worst 11-1 team in NFL history.   But they continue to win close one-score games. 
  5. Minnesota Vikings (10-2) Still doing it with smoke and mirrors.
  6. Green Bay Packers (9-3) Mirrors will need to be brightly polished and the smoke machine will need to be finely tuned against the Lions on Thursday.
  7. Pittsburgh Stealers (9-3)  Those who counted R. Wilson out are now licking their wounds.
  8. Denver Broncos (7-5)  Broncos wish they were in the AFC South.
  9. Baltimore Ravens (8-5) Are the Ravens swirling the drain?  Defense must step up or the Ravens will be grasping for the No. 7 seed in AFC.
  10. Washington Commanders (8-5) The Commanders are in the Top 10?  Are the end times near?
  11. Los Angeles Chargers (8-4)  I don’t think any AFC team wants to face the Bolts in the post-season.
  12. Seattle Seahawks (7-5)  Geno is playing well again and has the Falconos Marinos (which is Red’s favorite Spanish name for an NFL team) on a roll.
  13. Arizona Cardinals (6-6)  You just never know which Cardinals team is going to show up on game day.
  14. Houston Texans (8-5)  Can they beat the Chiefs or the Ravens down the stretch?  Red is calling it now.  Yes and No.
  15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-6) What can you say about a team like the Bucs?  Red has no clue.
  16. Los Angeles Rams (6-6)  Could be trouble if they make the playoffs and get some key players back.
  17. Atlanta Falcons (6-6)  Cannot make up their mind.
  18. Indianapolis Colts (6-7) Colts are a living, breathing, walking embodiment of parody in that they are not out of the playoff picture yet.
  19. Dallas Cowboys (5-7) Two game winning streak has fans excited.  Calm down now.
  20. Miami Dolphins (5-7) Return on investment is very poor.
  21. San Francisco 49ers (5-7) Need to go 4-1 down the stretch.  And that would be a stretch.
  22. Cincinnati Bengals (4-8)  Bengals cannot buy a break this season. Cowboys had better watch out.
  23. New Orleans Saints (4-8) Saints do not deserve a break.
  24. Chicago Bears (4-8)  Bears are simply broken.
  25. Carolina Panthers (3-9)  Showing signs of life.
  26. Cleveland Browns (3-8)  Jameis Winston is fun to watch – that is if you like roller coasters.
  27. Tennessee Titans (3-10)  Will Levis has not sucked for several weeks now.
  28. New York Jets (3-9)  Will they ever learn?  It’s not looking good.
  29. New England Patriots (3-10)  Red is going to write a poem about the Pats season. Ode to Hubris.
  30. New York Giants (2-10)  Do they Giants have one good game left in them?
  31. Las Vegas Raiders (2-10)  Casinos are packed.  Stadium – not so much.
  32. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10) Hopefully, the coaching staff is not foolish enough to let Trevor Lawrence play again this year and that is now confirmed.  All hail, Mac Jones – our reigning Dead Man of the Year!

Red’s Weekly NFL Rankings – Week 13

A short work week, but an action packed (more or less) 3 days of NFL excitement (more or less).

  1. Detroit Lions – Beating the Colts is like – Well Red doesn’t know what it is like, but it isn’t anything to get too excited about.
  2. Buffalo Bills – Getting turnovers and scoring a lot more points than your opponents is Red’s Week 13 Recipe for Success.
  3. Kansas City Chiefs – Word of advice from Red, don’t use up all of your lucky breaks in the regular season.
  4. Philadelphia Eagles – Could easily be in the 3rd spot and currently have the inside track to the NFC Championship.
  5. Minnesota Vikings – 50 count ’em 50 combined takeaways and sacks. But why haven’t they blocked any kicks?
  6. Green Bay Packers – Are in the 6th spot only because the Stealers lost to the Browns. The Browns!
  7. Pittsburgh Stealers. Lost to the Browns. The Browns!
  8. Baltimore Ravens – Got a much needed win against the triple reverse time zone hex against the Chargers. But guys, 8-4 and counting is maybe going to get you the No. 5 seed.
  9. Los Angeles Chargers – Still in the mix in the AFC West.
  10. Denver Broncos – Also in the mix in the AFC West.
  11. Washington Commanders – Looked pitiful against a pitiful Cowboys squad. Special teams sucked.
  12. Houston Texans – Losing to the Titans at home and now swirling the drain in a weak division. 2-3 wins should secure another useless AFC -South Banner at NRG.
  13. Seattle Seahawks – The best of the mediocre 6-win teams still having a shot at the playoffs.
  14. Arizona Cardinals – Lost to the Seahawks officially making them the second best of the mediocre 6–win teams still having a shot at the playoffs.
  15. Atlanta Falcons – Remaining a mediocre 6-win team still having a shot at the playoffs by virtue of a bye week.
  16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Proving that you can’t quite make it through half of the teams before you have to pick a team with a losing record. Parity!
  17. Miami Dolphins – Finally have most of the pieces in place and got a nice warm up game against the hapless Patriots. Red really enjoys writing “hapless Patriots.”
  18. San Francisco 49ers – Ugly, ugly, ugly loss to the Packers. Ugly, ugly, ugly prospects right now.
  19. Los Angeles Rams – Right about where they should be.
  20. Indianapolis Colts – 1-4 over the last five. Red can hear the faint cries for “Flacco Joe, Flacco Joe.”
  21. Cincinnati Bengals – Somewhere Joe Burrow is singing “If I only had a defense.” Not sure the Wizard can help you Joe.
  22. New Orleans Saints – The top sub-mediocre team.
  23. Chicago Bears – The exemplar of sub-mediocre teams.
  24. Dallas Cowboys – Is a two game win streak possible? Stay tuned, we will find out tomorrow.
  25. Tennessee Titans – Win over Texans will be the highlight of the season most likely.
  26. Carolina Panthers – Actually showing signs of life in excellent showing against the favorite of the Gods – i.e. the Chiefs.
  27. Cleveland Browns – Long suffering Browns fans continue to suffer.
  28. Las Vegas Raiders – Coming up snake eyes.
  29. New York Jets – Sad.
  30. New England Patriots – Sadder
  31. New York Giants – Saddest
  32. Jacksonville Jaguars – Beyond sadness at this point.

CONWAY TWITTY’s TEN BEST ADULTERY SONGS

"Hello Darlin'" is a composition and recording of American country ...

Red loves him some Conway Twitty. And as CT is the undisputed King of County Adultery, Red thought you might like a playlist even though Conway – sadly – is not from Texas. For the record, Red is against adultery as a general rule, but without cheating classic country music is pretty much limited to drinking, fighting while drunk, driving, driving while drinking, Mama, rain and general bad times.

  1. Linda on My Mind. Maybe the adultery hasn’t happened yet, but you know it’s going to.
  2. I See the Want to in Your Eyes. Oh yeah. He’s ready to jump on a married woman and Conway thinks she is too.
  3. Hello Darlin’. Longing for some adultery with an old flame who has moved on. She has a new man – but is he her husband? Red says yes.
  4. Darling You Know I Wouldn’t Lie. Yeah, right.
  5. Mississippi Woman, Louisiana Man (with the great Loretta Lynn). You know there’s something going on if you’re will to swim alligator infested waters.
  6. I Can Tell You’ve Never Been this Far Before. There is some debate about this one – is she a virgin or a first time adulterer. Given Conway’s track record Red will throw it in anyway.
  7. Back Street Affair (also with Loretta Lynn). There’s no doubt about his one. “They say I wrecked your life and brought sorrow to your wife.”
  8. I Wonder if You Told Her About Me (there’s definitely something going on with Conway and Loretta). Red will take bets that he hasn’t.
  9. It’s Only Make Believe. A bit of a stretch here. Red thinks she is probably married. But this is such a great song, you have to put it on any Conway Twitty list.
  10. Tight Fittin’ Jeans. She’s rich, probably married to a geezer and on the move. Conway’s ready.

Red’s NFL Rankings – Week 12

Week 12 has come and gone with a few surprises. Red is posting this just in time for no one to actually pay attention even though he wrote it on Tuesday.

  1. Detroit Lions –  The Lions have played a much tougher schedule having beaten teams that are in contention for the playoffs (Rams, Seahawks, Vikings, Packers and Texans) – not too mention having scored 52 points twice this season.  The early season loss to the Bucs is the only blemish.
  2. Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs have historical trouble with the Bills.   Chiefs have had a fairly weak schedule with a signature win only against the  Ravens in the season opener.  It’s a pretty weak group the rest of the way with only the Texans and Stealers standing in the way down the stretch.
  3. Buffalo Bills – Can we all praise Josh Allen now?  He’s the toughest quarterback since Steve McNair. The suddenly “Lucky Bills” get to play the Pats twice, Jets, Rams and Niners with only the Lions looking up to the test the rest of the way. 5-1 finish is doable.
  4. Pittsburgh Stealers –  Big, big win over the Ravens has Pitt in line for a division title – Color Red shocked.
  5. Philadelphia Eagles – Handled division rival Commanders with 4th quarter scoring blitz. Eagles are becoming fun to watch again.
  6. Baltimore Ravens – Lamar Jackson always plays poorly against the Stealers – and sank Red’s fantasy team this week..
  7. Minnesota Vikings – Unfortunately playing in same division as the Lions and more unfortunately have Darn Old Sam at the helm.
  8. Arizona Cardinals – Coach of the Year in waiting right now?
  9. Los Angles Chargers – Every time Red thinks the Chargers are going to do something they disappoint.  Stop thinking Red.
  10. Houston Texans – What an ass whomping the Texans laid on the hapless Cowboys. If they keep scoring second half points they will be difficult to stop – but Red doesn’t see them beating the Chiefs and Ravens back to back in weeks 16 and 17. If they can split those games – look out.
  11. Washington Commanders – Still look a bit like pretenders to Red.
  12. Green Bay Packers  – It’s got be frustrating to be 7-3 and have it look like there is only an outside chance of winning your division.
  13. Denver Broncos – Tore the Falcons a new one.
  14. Atlanta Falcons  – Now with scatological options after getting routed by the Broncos – not a good look.
  15.  Seattle Seahawks – Leading the parade of 5 win NFC West teams on the outside looking but not out of it yet.
  16. Los Angeles Rams – One step behind Seattle and in it.
  17.  San Franciso 49ers  – Three steps behind and in last place in their division and somehow not yet out of it.
  18. Indianapolis Colts – Leading the parade of 5 win teams that are barely still in the playoff mix.
  19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Top of the dregs is about all Red can say without hurting someone’s feelings.
  20. Miami Dolphins – All wet.
  21. Cincinnati Bengals – Simply cannot catch a break with a basket right now.
  22. Chicago Bears – Excelling at losing winnable games.  Everyone has a purpose.
  23. New Orleans Saints – Who dat? Who cares?
  24. New York Jets – We all knew A-Rodg was insane.  It’s nice to have positive confirmation.
  25. New England Patriots – Are they still around?
  26. New York Giants – Here Red is just rounding out the “New” teams for fun. The Giants don’t really deserve this high of a ranking even without Daniel Jones.
  27. Carolina Panthers – The Panthers have won two games in a row and are seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, the light is the Chiefs Express rolling down the track.
  28. Dallas Cowboys – “I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.” H. Simpson. Jerry will need a new face lift after this season.
  29.  Tennessee Titans – Moving on to the part of the rankings that no one cares about.
  30. Los Angeles Raiders – Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
  31. Cleveland Browns – Are they still around?
  32. Jacksonville Jaguars – Man, there sure are a lot of crappy teams in the AFC.

Andrew Sullivan writes – Red translates.

Red has been something of an Andrew Sullivan fan mostly based on his clear-headed writing style and his realistic appraisal of the political world. Red is less enthralled with Sullivan’ continual attempt to destroy the Democratic Party and his now utterly foolish seeming love affair with Trump (aka the future Conmander in Chief (TM)). How he expects anything better from a second Trump term is beyond Red.

Here is part of his take from after the election on the Weekly Dish.

Trump is now a world-historical figure (so were Hitler, Stalin and Mao, but let’s not nitpick), the most significant American politician of this century so far (which could not be a sadder statement given that he is a rapist, felon, narcissist, traitor, con man, fraudster and pathological liar but these are mere details to me in my conservative worldview), with a real mandate (Isn’t it great that we can all talk about the penises of professional golfers now BTW, I hear that Bryson Dechambeau has a needle dick). That requires, in my view, an attitude adjustment: not a doubling down of “resistance” but a strategy of engagement and discerning opposition (I’m channeling my great British hero Neville Chamberlain here). The way to get Trump to do what you want is to flatter and seduce him (history tells us that hookers and blow or crushed Adderall might work – and also mention his massive hog)— the way Putin and Kim Jong Un do (some fine examples of humanity that I’m citing here- who BTW have played Trump for a complete fool). I suspect that finally giving him the establishment respect he so desperately yearns for (and empirically could not deserve less) could be the most effective way of dealing with him (What a minute Neville is calling me again) . That requires a real shift in worldview among his opponents (aka an abject denial of reality). And it will not come easy to many of us (Prepare to be gagged with a Ginzu). But if this election doesn’t occasion that, what would (pay no attention to the current shit show of cabinet selections because I sure don’t plan to)?

Yes, this is democracy in action (suspiciously). It hasn’t died (it’s merely on life support now). It has, in fact, surprised us by revealing a much less tribal and less racially polarized country than we imagined (folks would rather have a wannabe dictator rather than a decent woman of color running things, but who am I to question that?), a vibrant electorate open to change (yes the change of electing a former president who drove the economy into the ground, was a laughingstock around the world, used the office for personal gain and profit, and who now promises revenge and retribution) and nuance (in buying into tons of flagrant lying and rambling bullshit) and two multiracial coalitions vying for power (one promising fairness, decency, jobs, expansion of the middle class, strong world leadership and growth and the other motivated by hatred and bent on subjugating and humiliating their fellow citizens and worse for anyone here illegally – what could be better?). Trump remains the unknown, of course (if being a pathological liar and utterly corrupt and demented con man are unknowns that is). And we could be headed for disaster if both he and his opponents revert to form (yes, there are decent people on both sides – one side just wants to imprison or kill the otherbut of course, it will be the left’s fault when this descends into anarchy). But there is an opening here (Dear Camel, may I show you this needle?), if we want to take it (Yes sir, Give me another). For the first time in eight years, I feel some small confidence in saying this once again, even as many around me seem sunk in despair (Sorry, Neville calling again – good luck when the Trump militia knocks on your door).

Red has but one question for Andrew:

If it comes down to a choice for doing what is best for the country or what is best for Donald Trump, what do you think he is going to do?

You can believe what every you want, but no amount of flattery or feigned respect is ever going to alter Trump’s lifelong pattern of narcissism, skullduggery, lying, corruption and fraud. It’s a wet dream to believe otherwise as you seemingly do now.

As Red has said, he has but one compliment to give Trump – He is without a doubt the greatest con man to ever walk the face of the earth.

But please give Red a call, he has some prime real estate in Florida to sell you – if Trump doesn’t beat Red to it first.

Red’s 2024 NFL – Week 11 Rankings

All the crazies agree with Red’s rankings this week. The couch humper, the pedophile, the dog and goat killer and the bear dumper all thing Red is the shit.

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Winning in every possible way it would seem. Broncos blow what could have been the upset of the year.
  2. Detroit Lions – Amazing second half comeback.  But Houston fans are used to those. Ask Frank Reich.
  3. Buffalo Bills – First 8-2 record since 1993.  That seems impossible given the Bills regular season excellence since the arrival of Josh Allen.
  4. Baltimore Ravens – No team is more dangerous when all the pieces are in place. Unstoppable if on their game. Still wondering how the Texans beat them.
  5. Minnesota Vikings -A crappy, low-scoring, bottom-of-the-barrel win against the Jaguars, but a win nonetheless.
  6. Philadelphia Eagles – Riding high on a 5-game win streak and scoring points with Red for the complete dismantling of the Cowboys – something we all enjoy.  Well most of us with any sense anyway.
  7. Pittsburgh Stealers – For real?  Maybe so. Doing the quarterback shuffle.
  8. Washington Commanders – Losing to Stealers can be assuaged by a win over the Eagles. But don’t bet the farm on that.
  9. Houston Texans – Scoring in the second half is usually necessary for winning.  On the bright side, they did hang with the second best team in the league until the final seconds. Of course, that really isn’t very bright.
  10. Green Bay Packers – Red still thinks the Pack are pretenders in a very tough division.
  11. Arizona Cardinals – Oddly, the Cards completely control their path to the postseason. The Cards’ defense playing better than any other team over the last month.
  12. Los Angeles Chargers – Bengals and Ravens are up next.  1-1 would be sufficient to keep hanging around.
  13. San Francisco 49ers – Just hanging around – Everybody!
  14. Atlanta Falcons – Cannot lose to inferior teams.  The Saints logo is in the dictionary next to “inferior.”
  15. Seattle Seahawks – Beginning the march to the bottom of the NFC West?
  16. Tampa Bay Bucs – 1-5 record over last six games and they are still in the top half?  WTF.
  17. Denver Broncos – As they say, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory against the Chiefs. Ugh.
  18. Cincinnati Bengals – At least they can say they played in the most exciting regular season game of the year –  and lost!
  19. Los Angeles Rams – Staggering around looking for a place to fall.
  20. Chicago Bears – The Bears seem to have already found a place to fall.
  21. Miami Dolphins – Could be worse.  Could be raining.
  22. Indianapolis Colts – Red will miss beating up on Flacco Joe.  But life goes on.
  23. Dallas Cowboys – Are beyond staggering around right now – unless you count staggeringly awful.
  24. New Orleans Saints – Showing signs of life. Very faint signs.
  25. New York Jets – I don’t think you could pay Red to attend a Jets game – even with airfare and hotel included.
  26. Cleveland Browns – Getting a break this week only because they had a bye.
  27. New England Patriots – Could someone help Red here, he is truly puzzled?
  28. Las Vegas Raiders – Surrounded by the stench of death in the desert, the locker room, the sideline and the Strip.
  29. Carolina Panthers – Panthers get a break from Red every time they win a game.
  30. New York Giants – Does Red have to say anything? Anyone, anyone, Bueller, anyone?
  31. Jacksonville Jaguars – Bad with Trevor, bad without Trevor.
  32. Tennessee Titans – One could almost forget that there is a professional football team in Nashville – but the bastards won’t let us.    

Red’s 2024 NFL Rankings – Week 10?

Red is back in the good ol’ USA.  Or at least what used to be the good ol’ USA and may never be again after this week’s election debacle.  But Red is better at ranking NFL teams than he is at predicting elections.

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Despite a shaky performance last week, the Buffalo Bills seem to be the only possible impediment to a playoff bye week. They look unstoppable with the addition of D-Hop.
  2. Detroit Lions – Can play indoors or outdoors in the rain.  Ask the fading Packers.
  3. Baltimore Ravens –  How good is Lamar Jackson?  The answer:  Very.  The division is surely in hand now.
  4. Minnesota Vikings – Darn Old Sam outplayed Tired Old Flacco Joe. 
  5. Buffalo Bills – AFC East all but locked up. But can they topple the Chiefs for the top seed? How cold is it in Hell right now? 
  6. Washinton Commanders – Red’s fingers are having trouble typing this.
  7. Pittsburgh Stealers –  Maybe the Stealers will cure Red’s problem with the Commanders this week.  Pitt is on a role and coming off a bye week.
  8. Houston Texans – Losing to the Jets has caused Red some stomach trouble. 
  9. Philadelphia Eagles – Eagles cannot allow the dregs of the league to hang around in games they need to win to keep pace with the Commanders.  Gag.
  10. Atlanta Falcons – Playing up to their potential.  Just ask any old Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback.
  11. San Francisco 49ers – Don’t belong in the top half of the rankings, but there you have it.
  12. Green Bay Packers – Ready to pack it in? Division title is almost surely out of reach now.
  13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – They coulda been a contender, instead of a bum.
  14. Los Angeles Chargers – If Herbert plays well the Chargers elite defense will win them a lot more games.
  15. Arizona Cardinals – Are leading the NFC West.  The end times are near.
  16. Seattle Seahawks – Just hanging around . . . Everybody sing.
  17. Los Angeles Rams -Not dead yet.
  18. Denver Broncos – Sinking, stinking, blinking.
  19. Chicago Bears – Losing to the Cardinals – never a good sign.
  20. Indianapolis Colts – For no particular reason other than other teams might suck slightly more. 
  21. Cincinnati Bengals – Now entering the futile stage of the season. Expect upheaval in the off season.
  22. New York Jets – Texans should be embarrassed.
  23. Cleveland Browns – Jameis Winston – good, bad, good, bad, goo ba, goo ba, Repeat after rinsing.
  24. Miami Dolphins – Nowhere to go but up, which means nowhere to go.
  25. Tennessee Titans – Beating the Patriots gets you a tip of the cap and nothing more.
  26. Dallas Cowboys – In the dictionary next to the definition for disarray.
  27. New Orleans Saints – Playing worse than any other team right now.
  28. New York Giants –  Playing the Panthers in Germany – will you be watching that shit show?  If so, Red has questions about your sanity.
  29. Jacksonville Jaguars –  Losing almost all of their one score games.
  30. Las Vegas Raiders – Silver and Black and Blue all over.
  31. New England Patriots – How is it now that more than any team the Pats are sucking.
  32. Carolina Panthers –  Red is tired.  Please fill in the blanks for him. Jawohl!

Red 2024 NFL Weekly Rankings – Week 8

As a reminder Red may not be posting next week due to exigent circumstances that you don’t need to know about.

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Mahomes hasn’t been very Mahomesian – more INTs than TDs – but even so they just keep winning.
  2. Detroit Lions – Major win over division rival Vikings wasn’t easy and the Lions clearly miss Aiden Hutchinson, but still . . .
  3. Baltimore Ravens – Playing better than any team in the league right now. One two punch of Jackson and Henry.
  4. Buffalo Bills – Have yet to come out for the bell fighting, but damn good at finishing.
  5. Minnesota Vikings – Horns down after blowing it against the Lions.
  6. Green Bay Packers – Tell Texans to suck it.
  7. Washington Commanders – Have they beaten a good team yet?
  8. Houston Texans – Sucked it. O line needs to step up and protect the franchise.
  9. Pittsburgh Stealers – Winning with tired old Russell Wilson.
  10. Philadelphia Eagles – Should be better, aren’t yet.
  11. Chicago Bears – Will face Marcus Mariotta – speaking of tired and old.
  12. Denver Broncos – Have won 4 games, Red thought they might win 6 – is that right?
  13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – No shame in losing to the Ravens other than losing is usually shameful.
  14. Seattle Seahawks – Righted the listing row boat with win against good Falcons team.
  15. Atlanta Falcons – Could have been in top 10 but for losing. See above.
  16. Los Angeles Chargers – Losing a field goal fest to the Cardinals does not exactly inspire confidence.
  17. Indianapolis Colts – Now only one game out of 1st in AFC South – Who’d a thunk it. Certainly not Red.
  18. San Francisco 49ers – There was a time in the not too distant past where a prime time matchup with the Cowboys would have been must see TV. Ah! Memories.
  19. Dallas Cowboys – There was a time in the not too distant past where a prime time matchup with the 49ers would have been must see TV. Ah! Memories.
  20. Cincinnati Bengals – Red almost spelled Cincinnati correctly on the first try.
  21. Arizona Cardinals – They’re not dead yet in the pathetic AFC West.
  22. New York Jets – There not dead yet but complaints abound.
  23. New York Giants – On life support.
  24. Miami Dolphins – Return of Tua will make a difference. How much??
  25. New Orleans Saints – Sadness on the Mississippi.
  26. New England Patriots – Now merely a whipping boy.
  27. Las Vegas Raiders – Red’s got nothing.
  28. Tennessee Titans – Red’s got . . . .
  29. Carolina Panthers – Is anyone still reading at this point?
  30. Cleveland Browns – When losing your franchise quarterback for the season is a good thing.
  31. Los Angeles Rams – Oh please.
  32. Jacksonville Jaguars – I’ve seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Red’s 2024 NFL Weekly Rankings – Week 7

Red wrote this much earlier in the week. He posts it just in time for it to not be completely meaningless.

Trivia Question:  Which team has more playoff wins since the Texans joined the NFL in 2002, the Cowboys or the Texans?

  1.  Kansas City Chiefs –  Red has one hard and fast rule, a team cannot lose the No.1 spot when it doesn’t play.
  2. Minnesota Vikings – Corollary to Rule No. 1. A team cannot lose the No.2 spot when it doesn’t play and the team in the No. 1 spots stays put.
  3. Detroit Lions – The Lions delivered the Cowboys an ass whupping for the ages on Jerry’s 82nd birthday.  Clicking on all cylinders and using trick plays to embarrass the opponent.
  4. Baltimore Ravens –  Four straight wins equals 4th place.
  5. Houston Texans – Beating the Patriots is like kissing your aunt – make that your great aunt.  There actually are some fine looking aunts out there.
  6. Buffalo Bills – Smarter than the average team.
  7. Washington Commanders – Still don’t like the name. Hard to argue with the results so far this year.
  8. Chicago Bears – Caleb Williams went to London riding on pony. Stuck a big loss on the Jags and called it Macaroni.
  9. Atlanta Falcons – Made medium work of the once again hapless Panthers.
  10. Green Bay Packers – The astute reader will note that the NFC North has placed 4 teams in Red’s top ten this week.   Do you see that astute reader? Astute reader? Astute Reader? Bueller? Anyone?
  11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Bucs led 17-0, then trailed 27-17, then ripped of 34 straight to gobsmack the reeling Saints in New Orleans.
  12. Pittsburgh Stealers  – Next up for a good old fashioned thrashing by the Stealers – both New York teams have western PA on their itenerary.  
  13. Los Angeles Chargers – The best 3 win team is about all Red can say right now.
  14. Indianapolis Colts – The second best 3 win team is about all Red can say right now.
  15. Philadelphia Eagles– The third best win team is about all Red can say right now.  Are you sensing a pattern?
  16. San Francisco 49ers –  3 win team, blah, blah, blah. . .
  17. Seattle Seahawks – Could not beat the crippled 49ers. Losing to the Giants makes more sense now.
  18. Denver Broncos –  Red is really tired of trying to rank 3 win teams at this juncture of the season.
  19. Dallas Cowboys –  Without a doubt the worst 3 win team in the NFL.  The Cowboys are only a couple of plays away from being 1-5.  It’s hard to see more than another 3-4 wins for the Cowboys right now.
  20. Cincinnati Bengals – Well, someone had to be the best 2-win team.  A likely season saver in an ugly win over the Giants on Sunday.
  21. New York Giants – Speaking of the Giants. . .
  22. New York Jets –  Teams that play together (at least in the same stadium) should be ranked together.
  23. Miami Dolphins – Talk about a team that needed a week off.
  24. Arizona Cardinals – Beat the 49ers one week, get stomped by the Packers the next.  Welcome to the NFL.
  25. New Orleans Saints –  Red thinks he heard the death rattler on Sunday.  It takes real bad play to give up 34 points in a row.
  26. Las Vegas Raiders – Red has it on good authority that there were more people in the sports book at the Wynn than in the stands on Sunday.
  27. Tennessee Titans – Oh where to begin in ranking the dregs of the league.  Why in Nashville you say.
  28. Cleveland Browns – Would that every team could play the Browns each week. 
  29. New England Patriots – Texans finally win in Foxborough. Get used to it.
  30. Los Angeles Rams – Red reserves the right to rerank shitty teams even when they don’t play.
  31. Carolina Panthers – Sad!
  32. Jacksonville Jaguars – Never has a team expected so much and delivered so little. Well almost never.