You know the drill by now. Trump is tirelessly begging for money from the dupes under the pretense of challenging the election when it is actually going to support the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed. The latest follows:

Red,

Make no mistake (other than electing me in the first place), the Silent Majority will reign (like I intend to rule as Donald the First American Emperor).

The Democrats (traitorous scum) are doing everything they can to STEAL the Election (because if anyone knows about “STEALING” it’s little ol’ me). In order to SAVE AMERICA (and coincidentally save me from going to jail for another 4 years) from their SOCIALIST AGENDA (like not kowtowing to billionaires) we need to keep our Election Defense Fund on track (please ignore the fine print informing you that there is no such thing as an Election Defense Fund).

I’ve asked my team to pull the records of my BEST donors (errr – Suckers)– our most loyal Patriots (easy marks) who I can always count on when I need them the most (and brother do I need you now). I’m disappointed to say that when I asked for your file (just the other day I asked Jared – What is Red from Texas up to?) , they told me you showed up in the BOTTOM 1% of all Trump Supporters (Ivanka has a nice bottom too).

SUPPORTER RECORD
SUPPORTER: Red F. Texas
Donor Since: NOT AVAILABLE
2020 Campaign Cycle Gifts: 0
Lifetime Total: $0

I can’t DEFEND the Election (by filing utterly frivolous lawsuits) from the Radical Left (the voters) without you, Red.

The truth is (I wouldn’t know the truth if it hit me in the face, but I digress), we need to post a HUGE fundraising number today if we’re going to stay on pace to hit our Election Defense Fund Goal (soon to be the Trump Crime Family Legal Defense Fund). We CANNOT fall behind or we risk giving up the Election (that I lost handily), and ultimately the Nation (to be invaded and taken over by Botswana).

If YOU took action and gave your FIRST contribution of $10 TODAY (Note that I’m supposedly a multi-billionaire and I’m begging you for a ten spot), we’d be well on our way to CRUSHING (the meat grinders are ready) our goal (keeping me out of jail) AND SAVING AMERICA from Joe Biden and Kamala Harris (aka Lenin and Trotsky).

Please give your FIRST contribution of $10 or more by 11:59 PM TONIGHT (always put in an artificial deadline to make it look important) to the Official Election Defense Fund (my personal slush fund) and to help me SAVE AMERICA. >>

Giving your FIRST EVER contribution (you cheap ass piece of shit) has never been more crucial than it is right now (the walls are closing in).

50 of the other donors in the bottom 1% have already contributed (a fool, a birth, a minute, etc.). We’re just waiting on you, Red (Jeopardy Theme playing).

Please make your FIRST contribution of ANY AMOUNT TODAY to help me PROTECT (STEAL) THE ELECTION (I’m sweating bullets).

Thank you,

Donald J. Trump
President of the United States (soon to be in exile)

Week 12 certainly was an exciting week of football. There was some Turkey Day magic on the field. Who wasn’t on the edge of their couch cushion awaiting the outcome of a game to determine the cellar occupant of the pathetic excuse for a professional football division that is the NFC East? Who wasn’t hanging on every play to find out whether the Texans could hit that glorious 4-7 mark? Who wasn’t excited to fall asleep in the recliner with a belly full of pecan pie watching the Ravens and Stealers duke it out – What? There was no Thursday night game because the Ravens simply cannot get their COVID act together? And the game will be played on Wednesday afternoon? Well color Red surprised. On to the big time.

Red’s Top Ten

1. Kansas City Chiefs 10-1. For a while it looked like Norm Van Brocklin’s (aka The Dutchman) single game passing record of 554 yards was going to fall. But the Dutchman lives! When they are on – the Chiefs are unstoppable and they showed it in shredding the hitherto vaunted Tampa Bay defense.
2. Pittsburgh Stealers 10-0. As Red writes the Stealers are undefeated. Red is assuming a win against an undermanned Ravens squad. Red knocks the Stealers down a peg just because he can.
3. New Orleans Saints. 9-2. Saints have a legitimate shot at 13-3 with or without Drew Brees. Sunday’s utter destruction of the crippled Broncos was just the precursor. The only real test left for the Saints comes before Christmas against the Chiefs. Red might watch that one.
4. Buffalo Bills 8-3. They can’t quite shake the pesky Dolphins but will get a chance in Week 17. The Bills must have been watching Chiefs’ game film in pepping up their offense.
5. Green Bay Packers 8-3. The leading offense in the NFC. If it doesn’t come down to fireworks between the Packers and Saints in the NFC Championship game call Red disappointed.
6. Tennessee Titans 8-3. The Titans’ scoring blitz at the end of the 1st half against the Colts may be a harbinger of how the rest of the season plays out. Teams stay with the Titans for a while and then Derrick Henry and A. J. Brown take over and it is lights out. Still with tough matchups against the Browns and Packers, the Titans may not have the AFC South wrapped up when they visit the Texans in Week 17. Fortunately for the Titans they will be playing the Texans.
7. Cleveland Browns 8-3. Speaking of the Browns. Red is looking forward to Browns-Titans next week. Clarity will follow.
8. Seattle Seahawks 8-3. Russell Wilson is going to have to will this team over the finish line.
9. Miami Dolphins 7-4. They have earned this spot despite confusion at quarterback spot. They never should have benched The Beard for a rookie.
10. Los Angeles Rams 7-4. The biggest surprise of the season would be the Rams winning the NFC West.

Best of the Rest

Arizona Cardinals 6-5. Cards suffered a crushing blow to their playoff hopes in losing to the Pats despite Cam Newton passing for less than 100 yards and chucking up two INTs. Oh wait a minute, right now they are still in the playoffs because so much of the NFC is a turd-filled toilet bowl.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 7-5. Slip sliding away. The Chiefs took names on Sunday. Can’t run on the Bucs defense? Okay, we’ll just pass for a quarter mile.

Indianapolis Colts 7-4. Not yet dead but the life support machines are close by.

Baltimore Ravens 6-5. The mighty have fallen right out of the playoffs right now. Beating the Stealers will be a tall order given the missing pieces.

Update on the nail-biting NFC East

New York Giants 4-7. Keeping Red’s dream of a 6-10 making the playoffs alive. They will be lucky to go 2-3 against the Seahawks, Cardinals, Browns, Ravens and Cowboys (well maybe not the Cowboys).

Washington FT 4-7. Also keeping Red’s dream alive. But unfortunately have a legitimate shot at a 3-2 finish with Stealers, Niners, Panthers, Seahawks and Eagles on the schedule. Come on Niners!

Philadelphia Eagles 3-7-1. With Packers, Saints and Cardinals coming up, it looks like Red’s pick for the NFC East Crown is probably toast. But the Eagles can still contribute by beating the FTs in Week 17.

Dallas Cowboys 3-8. They could be the spoiler with the easiest schedule remaining. If they beat the Ravens next week, Red will be worried.

The Sorry Slumdwellers (excluding the NFC East)

1. New Jersey Jets 0- forever. Red is calling 0-16 right now.
2. Jacksonville Jaguars 1-10. London Calling?
3. Cincinnati Bengals 2-9. Losing Burrow hurt but it didn’t really matter.
4. San Diego Chargers 3-8. Maybe the best 3-8 team in NFL history.
5. Detroit Lions 4-7. Firing your head coach gets you automatic entry into the bottom five.

It’s Thanksgiving Week so let’s just get to it.

The Top Ten

1. Pittsburgh Stealers – They just refuse to be dislodged. Still on top despite Red’s repeated predictions of imminent losses.
2. Kansas City Chiefs – Not as consistent as they should be but they dispatched the Raiders with an impressive 4th quarter comeback.
3. New Orleans Saints – Can you say Taysom Hill? Can you say it louder? Payton’s scheme is nothing short of brilliant.
4. Buffalo Bills – Continuing to climb. A very dangerous team come playoff time with Josh Allen at the helm.
5. Seattle Seahawks – Back in charge after big win against the Cardinals. Defense must improve to avoid nosedive or first round exit from playoffs.
6. Green Bay Packers – Cheeseheads unite. You have a good team and voted for the winner.
7. LA Rams – Call Red surprised but here they are.
8. Tennessee Titans – An impressive win over the Ravens. Red is probably ranking the Titans too low right now.
9. Arizona Cardinals – Tough loss to Seahawks but this team will bounce back.
10. Cleveland Browns – Oh why the hell not?

Best of the Rest

Indianapolis Colts have a playoff path. As do the Miami Dolphins. Baltimore Ravens are looking dodgy with their pathetic passing game. Tampa Bay Buccaneers are fading but probably playoff bound. Las Vegas Raiders are hanging in. Chicago Bears????

A Shit Bowl Every Week

1. New Jersey Jets. Needs no explanation.
2. Jacksonville Jaguars. Still sucking and lost
3. Cincinnati Bengals. Tough break in losing Burrow
4. Dallas Cowboys. Showing signs of life with Red Rifle back.
5. Houston Texans. That was the offense Red expected.

Red is a bit tired of having to translate the raving gibberish of the dying throes of the Reality TV Show Joke of a Presidential Administration. So this may be the last time Red does this for a while. Oh, who is Red kidding? This is just to much fun to go after such low-hanging fruit.

“Wait and let the process play out, the legal process. These results are still being contested in court. The media has now called it for Joe Biden. They want everyone to shut up, and they say if you dare disagree with their call, that you’re somehow undermining democracy. Well, that’s not actually how our Constitution works.”

Sen. Rafael E. Cruz (TP – Texas)

Cruz is a capable attorney. Cruz knows the election is over. Cruz knows that you need evidence in a courtroom. Cruz knows that any evidence of irregularity or even outright fraud will not be enough to change the outcome. Cruz knows that Trump is lying about a rigged, fraudulent election. Cruz knows that Trump is – as he put it – a “pathological liar’ and “utterly amoral.” Cruz knows that the “media” has the expertise to determine when an election is out of reach for the loser. Cruz knows that attacking the “media” earns him points with members of the Trumpian Party (“TP” f/k/a the Tea Party). Cruz knows that Trump is trying to raise money to retire his campaign debt under the guise of these bogus or futile legal challenges to the election. Cruz knows that Trump is playing the suckers to squeeze more money out of them. Cruz knows that the lawyers leading Trump’s effort are in over their heads and fighting a losing battle. Cruz knows that Giuliani is nuts. Cruz should know that refusing to allow an orderly transition presents a risk to the health and safety of our country and our military. Cruz may suspect that Trump has more nefarious schemes in his pocket.

Of course “Lying Ted” mentions none of that because he is utterly spineless and will never contradict Trump for fear of losing even a fraction of the base.

The field is rounding the turn but not yet headed for the home stretch and some things are becoming rather clear. There are perhaps more teams with what Red views as a legitimate shot at Conference title games than Red would have expected a few weeks ago. But the cream is still on top and most of the jockeying (to continue Red’s racing analogy) is among the second tier who might put together a stretch drive for good playoff positioning. Let’s get to it again with the caveat that Red is not waiting for the MNF result as he has a busy week ahead.

Red’s Top Ten

1. Pittsburgh Stealers (9-0). There is no reason to shake things up at the top after Stealers dismantled the Bengals on Sunday. Red does question how long the Stealers can keep it going with a bare semblance of a rushing attack.
2. Kansas City Chiefs (8-1). Red wants to put them on top. That day is likely coming soon. But there are no complete pushovers left on the schedule. Sunday the Chiefs have a chance to even the score against the Raiders. Red predicts a blowout win.
3. New Orleans Saints (7-2). This might be short-lived depending on Drew Brees’ condition. But the Saints probably have the easiest remaining schedule of any of the prime contenders. Other than a strong test against the Chiefs, the Saints should be heavily favored in every other game.
4. Buffalo Bills (7-3). Despite a tough loss to the ascendant Cardinals, Josh Allen will be the regular season MVP. Two costly interceptions yesterday allowed the Cards to stay in the game long enough to pull out a squeaker.
5. Green Bay Packers (7-2). Red isn’t sure how the Packers are doing it, but they are doing it. Eking out a win over the Jaguars is not a good sign.
6. Arizona Cardinals (6-3). Now official atop the glorious NFC West, the Cards get a chance to secure the lead on Thursday against the Seahawks – the rare game that Red is actually looking forward to.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3). They are going to have a tough road to catch the Saints who currently hold all the tiebreakers in the NFC South. Red thinks the Rams just might beat them next Monday.
8. Indianapolis Colts (6-3). Despite having handily handled the tanking Titans on Sunday, Red still predicts a dogfight between the Colts and Titans for the AFC South Crown. The best 9-7 is probably going to win it.
9. Baltimore Ravens (6-3). Red wants to believe, but the Ravens are a mere loss away from dropping out of his top ten. The Ravens’ offense right now looks like BIll O’Brien is in charge. They have talent – use it!
10. Tennessee Titans (6-3). This team has a very limited window of opportunity to right the ship. The Titans and Ravens play on Sunday – whichever team loses is in danger of missing the playoffs.

The Best of the Rest

The Miami Dolphins have won 5 games in a row. And yes you read that correctly. The Chicago Bears desperately need a win tonight to maintain relevancy. The Seattle Seahawks are reeling as the MVP slips from R. Wilson’s grasp. The LA Rams will be back in the mix with a win over the Buccaneers next week. The LV Raiders and Cleveland Browns are hanging in there for a Wildcard spot.

The Bottom Feeders

1. Houston Texans (2-7). No team has done less with more. Red had predicted a decent finish for the Texans but now it’s hard to see more than one more win on the schedule unless there is a dramatic turnaround in Houston.
2. Dallas Cowboys (2-7). Now sucking more than ever. Their two wins were miracles. Miracles are all used up for the season.
3. Washington FT (2-7). Following the lead of Trump, the FT’s are now refusing to admit that they have lost any games.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-8). They should be ranked lower, but Red gets tired of piling on.
5. New Jersey Jets (0-9). See Jacksonville Jaguars.

It is patently clear by all accounts that Trump’s post-defeat fundraising efforts have almost nothing to do with challenging actual election results. It appears that the vast majority of the money is going to retire Trump’s likely massive campaign debt or to fund the RNC or a future Trump campaign (Red suggests he run for Governor of New York so that he can pardon himself). If Trump really wanted to fight the election results he should be able to fund that himself from his billions and not have to go begging. Unless of course he isn’t really the multi-billionaire he touts himself to be. Anyhow, here’s one of the many latest sob stories from the campaign of the greatest con man to ever walk our great country.

Red,

This Election is not over (It aint over ’til the Fat President sings).

Georgia is headed for a recount, where we are confident we will find ballots (best guess 3 dozen) improperly harvested (fucking farmers), and where President Trump will ultimately prevail (in losing again).

We can’t allow the Democrats (Commies) to try to STEAL this Election from the American People (only Trump is allowed to pull off that kind of heist). There are numerous examples of fraud coming to light (and we will be glad to share them with you just as soon as this is all over) that will be critical to an upcoming recount (insignificantly critical that is).

There were instances of dead people voting (Herman Cain for example), forged signatures (written in crayon), missing signatures (invisible ink), mass unsolicited ballots filled out by others (diehard socialist pinko scum), and possible illegally cast ballots being counted (actually any vote for Biden was illegal as he was born in captivity in a Polish zoo).

This is absolute madness (well, nothing compared to what goes on in the West Wing but we digress), and YOU are the only one who can stop them (Just like Trump was the only one who could fix our country’s problems and look how well that turned out).

The President is FIGHTING BACK (when not wolfing down a Big Mac or watching OANN) to defend the integrity of our Election (by subverting the will of the voters), but he can’t do it without you (because when this is over he is gonna be broke). He needs you to STEP UP and contribute to our Official Georgia Recount Fund (put your money where Trump’s mouth is).

This is the most critical moment in our Nation’s history (Bunker Hill, Saratoga, Gettysburg, Pearl Harbor, Midway, D-Day, the Battle of the Bulge, Inchon, Tet Offensive, 911 all pale in comparison to what happens if our glorious leader has to go back to playing golf full time). Will you FIGHT to protect our Republic (so that Trump can destroy it in a second term)?

The future of America is under attack (your wife and children will be sold into slavery of course, but what’s worse is they will take away your guns) and it’s up to YOU to preserve it. Will you join President Trump and DEFEND the integrity of our Election (instructions on armed insurrection to follow)?

Thank you,

Team Trump 2020 (and beyond)

P.S. Don’t bother to read the fine print telling you where your money is actually going.

Red isn’t waiting for the outcome of the big MNF showdown between the fast-fading Patriots and the sad sack Jets because it doesn’t really matter who wins the Shit Bowl Game of the Week. It was an interesting weekend to say the least and Red celebrated by not watching any games until Sunday night when he happened to flip by the Saints-Buccaneers game to enjoy a few minutes of what may be the last gasp of two all-time NFL greats in Brees and Brady. Brees’ last gasp was of pure oxygen which may get him through the season. In contrast, Brady looked like he was hooked up to the exhaust pipe of a 73 Ford Pinto.

Red’s Top Ten

1. Pittsburgh Stealers. Red has repeatedly written that the Stealers time at the top may be coming to an end. It almost did on Sunday at the hands of the lowly Cowboys led by a 4th string quarterback. Poor play, bad coaching decisions and a general malaise contributed to an underwhelming performance. But when you are the only undefeated team in the league, you get to stay on top.
2. Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs hung on by the lace of a pigskin in beating back a hungry Panthers team. Teddy Bridgewater is looking very much like the player Red expected he would be when drafted with the last pick of the first round. But the Chiefs have the miracle worker in Patrick Mahomes who is surrounded by an awesome amount of talent and a pretty good defense.
3. Buffalo Bills. Josh Allen is getting serious run for league MVP and deservedly so. The Bills dismantled the smoking rubble of the Seahawks defense on Sunday and should now have the attention of everyone in the AFC as a legitimate title contender.
4. Baltimore Ravens. As previously noted, the Ravens lost to the Stealers and Chiefs and beat up the weaklings. That is until Sunday when they beat a decent Colts squad. It doesn’t get easier for a while.
5. Seattle Seahawks. Still probably the class of the NFC despite a horrific defense. That aint saying much as Red figures 4-5 AFC teams could have their way with Seattle. Can Russell Wilson and his crew carry the Seahawks over the line by scoring 35 points a game? Maybe.
6. New Orleans Saints. It makes a bit of statement when you completely carpet bomb a team that a lot of folks are picking to play for the NFC title. The Buccaneers were never in this game. Drew Brees will be sitting on the porch in his dotage still thinking about this one. Tom Brady looked tired and old in getting pummeled by the Saints defense.
7. Tennessee Titans. Beating a good Bears team after an understandable close loss to the Stealers and an inexplicable loss to the Bengals gets the Titans back in Red’s good graces. Still on track to win the AFC South. They face the Colts, Ravens and Colts this month. Check back with Red after that.
8. Green Bay Packers. Still relevant after all these years. Call Red surprised.
9. Miami Dolphins. Call Red astonished. The Dolphins look playoff bound right now despite having changed quarterbacks in mid-stream. Beating the Cardinals was a statement win.
10. Arizona Cardinals. Red’s favorite is fading. See above. The next two games against the Bills and Seahawks will determine their fate.

Hanging Around

The Browns are itching to take spot No. 10 away from the Cardinals.

The Rams are pissed at Red’s lack of respect.

The Colts aren’t dead yet.

The Bears aren’t hibernating yet.

The Raiders, however, are probably living on borrowed time.

The Dregs of the League

1. New Jersey Jets. Even if they beat the Patriots, Red might still have them here.
2. New York Giants. Playing like they were owned by Donald Trump – Almighty Destroyer of professional football leagues!
3. Dallas Cowboys. Not going down without a fight – but going down.
4. Washington FT. Fucking Terrible? Frightfully Turdlike? Fatefully Trumpian? Farting Turtles? You pick.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars. Red almost forgets this team exists.

Mike Pence didn’t have much going for him before Trump picked him out of the crowd. The good citizens of Indiana were fed up with his incompetence. He was likely headed back to being a C-List radio talk show wingnut. But in order to play to the Evangelical base of the Trumpian party, the Reality TV Show Joke of a President decided to select Mike. Give Trump his due. He has an uncanny ability to sense the complete lack of spine and cowardice in a person. He needed Groveling Mike as an unquestioning cheerleader for his ego. Curiously, for a few days, GM had been quiet. But no longer. Among the more than 65 emails that Red has received from Trump and members of the Trump Crime Family, there was this gem from good ol’ Groveling Mike. As usual, Red translates for his readers.

Joe,

Democrats have made it clear they’d rather destroy our Nation (by voting – can you believe the audacity?) than have four more years of our President’s incredible leadership (aka the Fourth Reich).

The stakes (Trump Steaks no longer available) have never been higher (cause if he loses, he’s going to jail), which is why I’m reaching out to you (begging) right now with an urgent request.

We need your help to ensure we have the proper resources (Lord knows Trump aint spending his money on this ratfuckery) to protect the Election (paying lawyers to lie to judges and violate every ethical norm costs more than you would think). The Left wants to undermine this Election (by winning), and we need YOU to FIGHT BACK (instructions on armed insurrection to follow)!

DEFEND the Election and increase your impact by 1000% (and we will provide you with a complimentary Ginsu Knife to commit Hari-Kari to show your loyalty to Trump after he loses).

President Trump and I are counting on you now more than ever (I don’t want to go back to having to listen to and placate right-wing zanies on the radio – I’m telling you it sucks the life right out of you). The American People (setting aside the 75 million who corruptly voted for Biden) want FOUR (or Insert Number of Your Choice Here) MORE YEARS of our President.

Will you step up and FIGHT for your President (money now, guns later)?

Contribute IMMEDIATELY to stand with us and to DEFEND the integrity of our Election (by subverting the will of the voters – also notice how I have provided absolutely nothing but empty rhetoric to support my claim of fraud. I learned this from Limbaugh.).

Thank you,

Mike Pence
Vice President of the United States (Resume Available Upon Request)

“You can’t go lower than him. Don’t even try.”

Jared Kushner on Donald Trump. Possibly the only truthful thing to come out of his mouth in over 4 years.