Red isn’t waiting for the outcome of the big MNF showdown between the fast-fading Patriots and the sad sack Jets because it doesn’t really matter who wins the Shit Bowl Game of the Week. It was an interesting weekend to say the least and Red celebrated by not watching any games until Sunday night when he happened to flip by the Saints-Buccaneers game to enjoy a few minutes of what may be the last gasp of two all-time NFL greats in Brees and Brady. Brees’ last gasp was of pure oxygen which may get him through the season. In contrast, Brady looked like he was hooked up to the exhaust pipe of a 73 Ford Pinto.

Red’s Top Ten

1. Pittsburgh Stealers. Red has repeatedly written that the Stealers time at the top may be coming to an end. It almost did on Sunday at the hands of the lowly Cowboys led by a 4th string quarterback. Poor play, bad coaching decisions and a general malaise contributed to an underwhelming performance. But when you are the only undefeated team in the league, you get to stay on top.
2. Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs hung on by the lace of a pigskin in beating back a hungry Panthers team. Teddy Bridgewater is looking very much like the player Red expected he would be when drafted with the last pick of the first round. But the Chiefs have the miracle worker in Patrick Mahomes who is surrounded by an awesome amount of talent and a pretty good defense.
3. Buffalo Bills. Josh Allen is getting serious run for league MVP and deservedly so. The Bills dismantled the smoking rubble of the Seahawks defense on Sunday and should now have the attention of everyone in the AFC as a legitimate title contender.
4. Baltimore Ravens. As previously noted, the Ravens lost to the Stealers and Chiefs and beat up the weaklings. That is until Sunday when they beat a decent Colts squad. It doesn’t get easier for a while.
5. Seattle Seahawks. Still probably the class of the NFC despite a horrific defense. That aint saying much as Red figures 4-5 AFC teams could have their way with Seattle. Can Russell Wilson and his crew carry the Seahawks over the line by scoring 35 points a game? Maybe.
6. New Orleans Saints. It makes a bit of statement when you completely carpet bomb a team that a lot of folks are picking to play for the NFC title. The Buccaneers were never in this game. Drew Brees will be sitting on the porch in his dotage still thinking about this one. Tom Brady looked tired and old in getting pummeled by the Saints defense.
7. Tennessee Titans. Beating a good Bears team after an understandable close loss to the Stealers and an inexplicable loss to the Bengals gets the Titans back in Red’s good graces. Still on track to win the AFC South. They face the Colts, Ravens and Colts this month. Check back with Red after that.
8. Green Bay Packers. Still relevant after all these years. Call Red surprised.
9. Miami Dolphins. Call Red astonished. The Dolphins look playoff bound right now despite having changed quarterbacks in mid-stream. Beating the Cardinals was a statement win.
10. Arizona Cardinals. Red’s favorite is fading. See above. The next two games against the Bills and Seahawks will determine their fate.

Hanging Around

The Browns are itching to take spot No. 10 away from the Cardinals.

The Rams are pissed at Red’s lack of respect.

The Colts aren’t dead yet.

The Bears aren’t hibernating yet.

The Raiders, however, are probably living on borrowed time.

The Dregs of the League

1. New Jersey Jets. Even if they beat the Patriots, Red might still have them here.
2. New York Giants. Playing like they were owned by Donald Trump – Almighty Destroyer of professional football leagues!
3. Dallas Cowboys. Not going down without a fight – but going down.
4. Washington FT. Fucking Terrible? Frightfully Turdlike? Fatefully Trumpian? Farting Turtles? You pick.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars. Red almost forgets this team exists.

Mike Pence didn’t have much going for him before Trump picked him out of the crowd. The good citizens of Indiana were fed up with his incompetence. He was likely headed back to being a C-List radio talk show wingnut. But in order to play to the Evangelical base of the Trumpian party, the Reality TV Show Joke of a President decided to select Mike. Give Trump his due. He has an uncanny ability to sense the complete lack of spine and cowardice in a person. He needed Groveling Mike as an unquestioning cheerleader for his ego. Curiously, for a few days, GM had been quiet. But no longer. Among the more than 65 emails that Red has received from Trump and members of the Trump Crime Family, there was this gem from good ol’ Groveling Mike. As usual, Red translates for his readers.

Joe,

Democrats have made it clear they’d rather destroy our Nation (by voting – can you believe the audacity?) than have four more years of our President’s incredible leadership (aka the Fourth Reich).

The stakes (Trump Steaks no longer available) have never been higher (cause if he loses, he’s going to jail), which is why I’m reaching out to you (begging) right now with an urgent request.

We need your help to ensure we have the proper resources (Lord knows Trump aint spending his money on this ratfuckery) to protect the Election (paying lawyers to lie to judges and violate every ethical norm costs more than you would think). The Left wants to undermine this Election (by winning), and we need YOU to FIGHT BACK (instructions on armed insurrection to follow)!

DEFEND the Election and increase your impact by 1000% (and we will provide you with a complimentary Ginsu Knife to commit Hari-Kari to show your loyalty to Trump after he loses).

President Trump and I are counting on you now more than ever (I don’t want to go back to having to listen to and placate right-wing zanies on the radio – I’m telling you it sucks the life right out of you). The American People (setting aside the 75 million who corruptly voted for Biden) want FOUR (or Insert Number of Your Choice Here) MORE YEARS of our President.

Will you step up and FIGHT for your President (money now, guns later)?

Contribute IMMEDIATELY to stand with us and to DEFEND the integrity of our Election (by subverting the will of the voters – also notice how I have provided absolutely nothing but empty rhetoric to support my claim of fraud. I learned this from Limbaugh.).

Thank you,

Mike Pence
Vice President of the United States (Resume Available Upon Request)

“You can’t go lower than him. Don’t even try.”

Jared Kushner on Donald Trump. Possibly the only truthful thing to come out of his mouth in over 4 years.

By 10:30 this morning, Red had received 15 emails from various members of the Trump Crime Family begging for money and spreading false information. The desperation is open, obvious and kind of pathetic. Red has a bit of knowledge about election disputes and one thing is almost always true – the guy or gal that isn’t going to win is the one filing the lawsuits.

So while it was hard to pick out one of the emails from the stack – here goes:

Joe,

THE DEMOCRATS WILL TRY TO STEAL THIS ELECTION (which means I am trying to steal it as I am the King of Projection)!

Just like I predicted from the start, mail-in ballots (totally legal if cast for me) are leading to CHAOS like you’ve never seen (caused by my endless baseless lawsuits and armed nutjobs showing up at counting venues), plain and simple! The Radical Left (the 73 million who voted to boot my ass out of office) is going to do whatever it takes to try and rip a TRUMP-PENCE VICTORY (losing by 4 million votes as we speak) away from you, and that’s why I’m coming to you now (begging as usual).

I need YOUR HELP to ensure we have the resources to protect the results (Lord knows I can’t afford it what with a billion in debt coming due and don’t even ask me about the potential legal bills). We can’t allow the Left-wing MOB (73 million strong) to undermine our Election (only I can undermine the election). I’m asking my fiercest and most loyal defenders, like YOU, to FIGHT BACK (instructions on armed insurrection to follow)!

Step up IMMEDIATELY and increase your impact by 1000% (shipping and handling not included).

I warned the Nation this would happen, Joe. I knew the Democrats wouldn’t be able to accept another CRUSHING defeat (or a kick ass victory), so now they’re trying to mess with the results (by counting the votes – THE HORROR!). It’s madness ( It’s driving me mad anyway – not that it was a long journey)!

I’m relying on your support right now more than I ever have before. Can I count on you to step up and FIGHT BACK (uniforms to be issued shortly but you will have to supply your own weapons and ammo)?

Thank you,

Donald J. Trump
President of the United States

Red doesn’t anticipate accomplishing much today. The least he can do is update his readers on the state of the NFL and the halfway mark (more or less).

Red’s Top Ten

1. Pittsburgh Stealers. Red called for the mild upset last week but the Ravens (and especially Lamar Jackson) underperformed. The Stealers continue to roll and will likely secure a playoff spot in another 3 weeks.
2. Kansas City Chiefs. Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs playing against the Jets defense this week was like having Real Madrid play the last place team in MLS. The Chiefs have a couple of tests against NFC competition (Buccaneers and Saints) still remaining. Red doesn’t think there is an AFC team left on the schedule that can beat them.
3. Seattle Seahawks. They need defensive help. Today is the day to go get JJ Watt for the stretch drive in the brutal NFC West.
4. Baltimore Ravens. They have lost to the Chiefs and the Stealers and beaten up mostly the 95 lb weaklings of the league. The next 4 weeks will tell if the Ravens are real. If they go 3-1 against the Colts, Pats, Titans and Stealers they will be in great shape with a relatively easy schedule after that.
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Eking out a win over the Giants isn’t impressing Red. Let’s see how they do against the Rams, Saints and Chiefs over the next month.
6. Arizona Cardinals. Red believes even if many do not. This is the one team Red wishes he could see in person this year.
7. Buffalo Bills. The Bills have bounced back from two losses in a row to eke out wins over the Jets and Patriots. That has righted the ship for now. They are going to need the bye week after facing the Seahawks and Cardinals.
8. Green Bay Packers. Still relevant after all these years, but losing to the Vikings has Red wondering. The two remaining games against the Bears loom large.
9. Cleveland Browns. They are inconsistent but have a clear path to a 5-3 finish thanks to games against the basement of the AFC South (Texans and Jags) and other dregs of the league.
10. New Orleans Saints. They look ragged and Drew Brees looks tired and old and his stats show it. But somehow they keep winning. If they beat the Bucs Sunday they are in the driver’s seat.

Playoff Contenders

All of the above 10 should make the playoffs barring injury or a shutdown of the season. But the expanded playoffs have kept a lot of other teams in the mix. In the AFC, the Colts and Titans are likely to make it. The Raiders, Dolphins and Broncos still have a shot. In the NFC, the Rams have the clearest path despite being in the brutal West. The Bears are just behind and the Eagles probably get in by default. But in the pathetic excuse for a professional football division that is the NFC East even the Cowboys and Football Team have a shot.

The Little Sisters of the Poor

1. New Jersey Jets. Red gave them last week off, but really?
2. Jacksonville Jaguars. The Gardner Minshew Era appears to be coming to a close. Is anyone surprised?
3. Houston Texans. Red is actually picking the Texans to go 5-4 the rest of the way. Please note that Red is usually wrong about such things.
4. Dallas Cowboys. Red sees at least 5 more losses for the mess from the Metroplex. If you are at all squeamish please avoid watching the game against the Stealers this week.
5. Atlanta Falcons. Underperforming like no other team in the league – well, except maybe for the Cowboys.

The Reality TV Show Joke of a President has had very little success in constructing actual new miles of the “Beautiful Wall” along the US-Mexico border. It turns out that Mexico was never going to pay for it and that neither would the U.S. Congress provide the massive amount of funds needed. Notably, any mention of the “Wall” or the payment for same has been missing from Trump’s recent campaign ranting. A major plank of his 2016 campaign has almost completely and curiously disappeared. Trump’s tried and unfortunately true formula is this: When you have failed at something you repeatedly promised to do simply ignore it or alternatively, as in the case of controlling the COVID-19 pandemic, just lie through your teeth about your non-existent success.

Instead, Trump has now directed his wall-building efforts at fortifying the White House compound and in that regard has ordered the construction of a “non-scalable” fence around the White House, the Ellipse and Lafayette Park. It’s quite an image for the rest of the world to see and absorb. These would not appear to be the actions of a person who intends to leave the White House anytime soon regardless of the results of the election.

If Red could go back in time with the power to alter some events, Republican presidential history for the last 90 years or so would look far different.

1. Red would make Donald Trump an actually successful businessman who didn’t need to run for president to pump up his failing brand. Alternatively, he would have Trump successfully prosecuted for tax fraud, bank fraud, wire fraud and sexual assault of a minor. Somehow that sounds better now.
2. Red would make George W. Bush the Commissioner of Major League Baseball – a job he might actually have done well at.
3. Red would have George H.W. Bush win his attempt to become a U.S. Senator and be satisfied there.
4. Red would make sure that Ronald Reagan won two Academy Awards (one for Best Actor and one for Best Actor in a Supporting Role) so that he would have never left Hollywood for the political realm.
5. Red would make Gerald Ford an NFL Head Coach or at least a defensive coordinator.
6. Red isn’t sure what he could do about Nixon other than have someone bitch slap Eisenhower every time his name came up.
7. Red would have Eisenhower run for President as a Democrat.
8. Red would leave Herbert Hoover alone. He set things up pretty well for Roosevelt.

Is the cream rising to the top or are the dregs settling to the bottom? A bit of both this week as there were some interesting developments.

Red’s Top Ten

1. Pittsburgh Stealers – This team did nothing to deserve a bump down this week in winning what should have not been a squeaker over the Titans. But for a pushed S. Gostkowski last second field goal, the Stealers might have been staring at a downward trend with tough upcoming game against the Ravens. Look for a slight upset with the Ravens showing some mettle.
2. Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs come off the clean execution of the Broncos with a bye week against the Jets. A win puts them at No. 1 next week – maybe.
3. Baltimore Ravens. This make or break week for the Ravens as an elite team. If they dispatch the Stealers as Red expects, then it is a wide open race for the No. 1 seed in the AFC.
4. Green Bay Packers. After the uncharacteristic ass-whomping at the hands of the Buccaneers, the Pack showed that it still has what it takes to dominate. Albeit they were dominating the Texans, but you only play who is on the schedule.
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Many think this is the most well-rounded team in the league and that even Antonio Brown can’t mess it up. Red isn’t so sure.
6. Arizona Cardinals. Another well-rounded team that is playing up to its potential. Not many gave them a chance against the Seahawks. Red has the Cards finishing 6-3 for an 11-5 season and a NFC West title.
7. Seattle Seahawks. A team that desperately needs some defensive help. Are they No. 1 in line for the J J Watt raffle?
8. Tennessee Titans. Red has to knock them down after relatively poor showing against the Stealers until the 4th quarter. Still a very dangerous team.
9. Buffalo Bills. On any given Sunday, the Bills could be the best team in the league. Unfortunately, not every Sunday is given.
10. Cleveland Browns. Another team that could finish 6-3 and make some noise in the playoffs. You heard it here.

The Best of the Rest

The Saints, 49ers, Colts, Rams and Bears all could make the playoffs. Someone has to.

The Bottom Feeders

1. Atlanta Falcons. There are worse teams, but no other teams lose in worse ways. This week’s fiasco featured Todd Gurley failing to fall down until it was too late and giving the Lions just enough rope to hang the Falcons with.
2. Dallas Cowboys. Will the Cowboys win another game? The Falcons and Giants wins were both gifts. Some other team may be generous enough to hand them a win. Red is really looking forward to the NFC East showdown between the Boys and the Eagles on Sunday night. Not!
3. Houston Texans. It’s a close call for the worst NFL team in Texas these days. Red gives it to the Cowboys. The Texans at least look they are trying to win at times.
4. New Jersey Jets. Red gives the Jets a break this week. Enjoy it boys.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars. They would be the biggest disappointment if disappointment was not already their middle name.

Red avoided the actual debate last night as nothing good was likely to come from that. Red just bought a new big screen and did not want to enrage the household by taking a 9-iron to the on screen image of the Reality TV Show Joke of a President who cannot but lie when he speaks. Instead, Red waiting this morning for the punditry to provide its two-cents. Here is a sampling.

For all the muted microphone hype and anticipation, in the end, the two septuagenarians and tonight’s tepid event probably didn’t change a single voters’ mind in a nation where more 40 million have already cast their ballots.

Dominic Patten and Ted Johnson at Deadline

Trump used every opportunity possible — his “super-spreader” rallies, Fox News, social media — to discredit and debase his “extraordinarily unfair,” “no good” and “radical left Democrat” opponent. And he wasn’t referring to Biden. The target of his attacks, moderator Kristen Welker of NBC News, may as well have been wielding Wonder Woman’s protective shield when she finally faced off with her tormentor. The seasoned Washington reporter appeared unscathed by his attacks. A picture of composure and professionalism, she clearly had no intention of being anyone’s scapegoat and Trump got the message.

Lorraine Ali at LA Times.

During the debate Trump did not lay out any kind of real plan to mitigate the worst public health crisis in the United States in a century. If he had done so, he might have won over some undecided voters, but he seems incapable of doing so.

Peter Bergen CNN

Biden’s team could take heart tonight because Trump eventually slipped backward into his more pugilistic, bullying mode that is a turn-off for most of the country. His attacks on the finances of the Biden family were particularly offensive; notably, most mainstream media outlets don’t think the story is worthy of coverage. It was also true, as CNN’s key fact checker Daniel Dale argued, that Trump may have been better behaved but he lied a lot more. That the CNN instant poll found Biden won by a 53-39% margin seemed right on the mark.

David Gergen CNN

As for the actual debate, the candidates largely drew even on style, but that usually signals a win for the guy leading in the polls. Trump was in an impossible situation — go full-on aggressive, and you risk a replay of the first debate. Sit back and behave, and you miss the chance to provoke Biden into a campaign-altering gaffe. Trump finally acted like an adult, but in doing so, failed to change the race in any way.

Christian Schneider USA Today

If one single thing shone through in Thursday’s debate, it was that Donald Trump has absolutely nothing to say. He has no agenda. He has no plan. He has no ideals or hopes or purpose. All he has is the raw pursuit of power – for his own benefit, no one else’s.

Trump failed to put forward even one specific policy he will push in his second term. He offered some vague hand-waving – he (or the US supreme court) will get rid of Obamacare and he’ll replace it with something better, no you haven’t seen his plan, even though he’s had four years to create it, but he’s working on it, it’s almost done, he swears – but gave Americans no vision for a second-term Trump presidency.

Jill Filipovic The Guardian

Biden holds the lead. Trump shouting down the questions was not what he needed to score an upset and make up lost ground in the final debate. Dredging up Rudy Giuliani’s escapades trying to dig dirt on Biden’s family isn’t selling with the public. Trump failed to slow down Biden just days before the election. The president needed a big win, but Biden maintained his ground with that one statement, looking straight into the camera: “You know who he is.”

Art Cullen The Guardian

Red is taking a break from translating the intense presidential gibberish flooding the airwaves right now. Even Red has a breaking point. But fear not, Red is tackling the multi-generational tripe flowing from the campaign to re-elect the Reality TV Show Joke of a President. It’s Junior’s turn in the spotlight!

Red,

Do you want to go to one of my father’s (Please love me Daddy) upcoming Make America Great Again Rallies (aka Superspreader Events)?

He’s going to host one lucky supporter (or unlucky as the case may be) as his VIP GUEST (or super-sucker), and he specifically asked me to reach out to YOU (Yes, that’s right the President ignored the crucial business of trying to control the “China Virus” and the staggering economy to say, “Hey Jr., find out if we can suck some money out of Red’s wallet since we have squandered a billion bucks and are really desperate”).

My father has always said his favorite part of being President is meeting REAL American Patriots, like Joe from Texas (Well, next to scarfing up federal dollars at his hotels and golf courses, getting foreign agents to bribe him by doing the same, abusing the power of his office to try and indict his opponents, blabbing on Fox and Friends, and insulting anyone who tries to check his grab for unlimited power. Believe me after that meeting you is first on the list). He’s excited to host you at an EPIC Rally (estimated COVID cases more than 1000 and at least 25 deaths), so don’t wait to enter to win this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (that’s right you only get one chance to die supporting your president).

100 more Patriots (Trumpians) can enter today before we hit our goal (Daddy won’t love me if we miss. I’m really begging you here). Will you be one of them (please, please, please)?

Remember, if you win, we’ll cover your flight and hotel (but not your medical bills), we’ll give you VIP ACCESS to a rally (after you are stripped and sanitized and covered in Saran Wrap), AND you’ll get to bring a guest of your choice (Is there anyone you’ve been wanting to kill off? Now is your chance). You’ll even get to take a photo (photo shopped of course) with President Trump so you can remember it forever (which may be about a week depending on your overall health).

My father will be reviewing the list of entrants (Kool-Aid drinkers) tomorrow morning – will your name be on his list (or will I have to send a Proud Boy to your home)?

Thank you,

Donald Trump Jr.